Anyone with experience dating girls from poor backgrounds?
I come from a normal upper middle class family (parents are doctor and PhD scientist), and will graduate soon with a 120k Corp dev job secured on the west coast. I have been dating a girl for 3 years who is from a very poor background. She’s a fantastic person, but I really see a few obstacles that could stop us from dating longer than this.
The main issue is that she comes from a very poor background, and has a huge family, all of whom are just as poor or even more poor, and basically do nothing with their lives except drink, do drugs, and sometimes work minimum wage jobs. I fee like I will have to support all these people in the near future.
Also, she herself does not seem to have any ambition to improve herself or get a better job. She currently makes about 30-35k a year (just graduated), and gets offended whenever I/ my family mention that I can try to help out her career.
Has anyone dated/married a girl from a poor background, and how has it worked out for you?
The issue isn’t that she’s from a poor background, it’s that she seems like a leech
Agree with the other commenter. The issue is not her background, it’s her personality. My GF is from a low income immigrant background but hustled her way through college while working a full time job. She landed a good role in corporate America and refuses to rely on me for anything.
So if anything, I benefit from dating someone with that background. It has taught me some lessons about how easy most of us had it.
What type of job does she work? Is it one those jobs where it pays like shit but she has a passion for it? If so, maybe she isn’t leeching, but rather is doing what she wants. It isn’t your responsibility to support her family, if she doesn’t understand that, or makes it a problem, then she isn’t the one.
She works a job in the medical field. However, it’s one that requires extra schooling/certifications to be promoted, and she does not seem at all interested in extra schooling.
I don’t know you or this girl, so I can’t form a full opinion on your situation. She kind of sounds like the type that wants to be “taken care of” I don’t mean that disrespectfully, but when you get married she’ll just become a housewife. Also be careful when it comes to her family, I know somebody who married into a poor family, like the one you described and it wasn’t a good situation to say the least.
One of the most important decisions in your life is who you marry. If she lifts you up and makes you a better person, she’s a keeper. If she pulls you down, move on.
Since this girl is not intrinsically motivated, chances are she will never be. Family background has nothing to do with it, the US was built by poor hungry driven immigrants who wanted a better life for themselves and their children. You also can’t teach her to be intrinsically motivated, she either has it or doesn’t.
As harsh as it sounds, I advise you to move on. A career is a long time and a well lived life is even longer. You want someone who will make you a better person. The more you pour into your career aspirations the further you two will grow apart. You’ll be working late, she’ll be complaining why. You’ll be pushing to advance yourself, she won’t understand.
Find someone that completes you, not someone that subtracts from you.
Best of luck.
Jumping on top of this- I second that the poor background has nothing to do with this. My wife grew up very poor, I saw where she spent her younger years between Mexico and areas I’d never park my car in Southern California. She’s a six figure earner by herself, very driven but family is still a priority, and she brings me a lot of balance that I need. She’s very successful, even if I disappeared from Earth tomorrow she could hold her own (provided she gets over me vanishing lol). Poor background or wealthy background- it’s just about the individual.
The poor background does not really matter all that much unless it translates into characteristics that do not appeal to you. You are not going to marry her family. I think you have to judge the person and not the family. The lack of motivation to take exams and advance in her career would bother me, as it would likely mean she does not value education and improvement. I would not be able to marry someone who does not value education. With that said, some guys might prefer to marry a woman who will stay at home with the kids.
When you marry someone you also marry their family (unless they’ve intentionally distanced themselves for some reason and aren’t in the picture)
It depends on your culture. If you are Indian or Asian, that is probably true. It is hit or miss with other cultures. A good part of it depends on geography. If the family lives a far distance from you, you are not likely to see them all that much. However, if they live in the same community, you will see them much more frequently. I live about 1to1.5 hours from each set of in-laws. They are close enough to visit but not close enough where they could just stop by.
I never knew "upper middle class" was doctor money and PhD scientist money... I guess it depends where you live. If one of your parents is a doctor making $300K+ and the PhD is making $100K+ in the mid west or similar type CoL.... $400K+ annual HH income is definitely upper class lol. Anyways..
Everyone from the upper class describes themselves as upper middle class
I would have to agree with the other commenters here. I am sure she has lovely personal qualities and might be fun to date rn, but what you described sounds like a recipe for disaster. The bit about having to take care of her family especially...it sounds like they all expect someone else to push themselves while they continue to make poor life decisions. It's not like they are working 18 hours days trying to put their kids through med school so they can lead a better life- this seems like a generational attitude issue. I don't know her and maybe she can break the cycle but the fact that she was raised and surrounded by people like that is a huge red flag.
You deserve someone who is going to enhance your life and be willing to put in the work when life gets tough. It is also pretty immature imo. I don't think most people in finance enjoy grinding as hard as they do, but we do it for stability/future job prospects/provide for our children/etc. It takes a very specific kind of personality to be okay with knowingly being a burden on someone, and that is not the type of personality you want in a life partner.
I dated a girl who was from a poor, white trash family. She was book smart, but it was a complete disaster. She was jealous and weird and insecure and her family was so gross it was impossible. Now I am dating a girl from a rich NY/NJ/CT town who is not the brightest at all, but it’s just a way way better fit. Her family is normal and we have a lot of the same interests and she isn’t all weird about things.
Lmao you’re dating a rich bimbo.
Shit you caught me lol. SB’d
It's the internet, you can just say you hate poor people if you want
You sound like a sheltered stuck up immature brat. 120k on the west coast is pennies so get off your high horse comparing yourself to this girl and her family.
Why so triggered my man? It’s not even about salary, it’s more about mindset.
Relationship isn’t going anywhere if you’re already looking down at your partner and their family. It’s going to lead to arguments and a mess down the line.
lol $120k at 21 isn't bad at all, and is definitely rich compared to $30k, a quarter of the salary.
The comments here are the perfect example of why people hate Wall Street.
Normal people would not be calling this girl a leech. She is fresh out of college (already making more many than her family members), and has turned down offers of nepotism. Are those things leeches do?
Or maybe she's a leech because she doesn't want to spend her life in an endless corporate grind to make more and more money? Maybe she has passions outside of the office and works to live, not vice versa? News flash: that's the vast majority of people everywhere. Are most people leeches?
Why do you think you're going to end up supporting her family? Have they already asked you for money? Has your girlfriend hinted that she would like financial help? Is her family shameless enough to ask AND is she entitled enough to expect you to help if they do?
If the answer to all of those last three questions "no," she is not the problem and neither is her family.
What does that leave?
His family is offering to help her out with her career and literally change the trajectory of her life. If her decision to turn that down is really coming from a place of self-love and having a strong sense of self to know what she wants out of life then she wouldn't be offended when turning it down. Being offended means that she is insecure by his family offering that.
There is no context on how the offer was made so there is a possibility that something was said that rubbed her the wrong way. But frankly it just seems like their values are different. 3 years is a long time so if this is an issue this is something to talk about.
And yes, the family you marry into is huge. You can't choose the family you are born into but you can choose the family you marry into.
OP kind of sounds like he looks down on normal people. Would recommend a gold digger instead and let a nice girl find someone who doesn’t see her as a charity case, IMO.
You need to chill out. I know what angle you’re coming from but offering to “help” people out with their careers when they’re not even asking is pretty stuck up. You two probably aren’t fit for each other and you also probably aren’t fit for anyone but another career oriented copy of yourself.
You need to chill out. I know what angle you’re coming from but offering to “help” people out with their careers when they’re not even asking is pretty stuck up. You two probably aren’t fit for each other and you also probably aren’t fit for anyone but another career oriented copy of yourself.
Lol....asking a bunch of 18-year-olds on this forum for long-term relationship advice is such a great idea!
I can provide the other side of this, maybe it’ll help. I’m seeing a girl who goes to a fantastic school and does VC and quantum. She may out earn me at some point and I would take that over your situation every day of the week. We both have similar socioeconomic backgrounds and I don’t think it would work if we didn’t. Best of luck regardless, and don’t have kids lol.
In high school, I dated a girl that came from a very middle of the road family. Buuuuut she was extremely hot - prom queen, and had ass that could feed whole countries. Part of the reason we broke up was how obsessed with money I was - commenting when I saw a nice car or house, how much I love watches, etc. She’s become a bit less idyllic now (and I’ve become less materialistic / blunt about my wealth pursuits) and it definitely seems like she’s dating with money as a factor now - go figure.
My girlfriend now has a trust fund which she has no desire to touch which came from her multimillionaire grandfather. This will probably go directly to her kids, whether we’re still together or not. I was shocked when I first visited her family because her house was so normal: not in a gated community, on a maybe 1 acre lot, etc. She’s a nurse and definitely doesn’t get paid pennies, but it is absolutely a career choice based on her passion, not money. All that to say is, though she has lived a majorly middle class lifestyle with some very upper class aspects sprinkled in, I’ll never have to worry about her being with me for my money.
All this to say: only date chicks with trust funds or who are in your earning ball park.
Tread lightly. That said, not everything in life must be converted into dollar terms. As long as she works, can sustain herself (so not being a leech), and is being useful to the society, I don't see how that is wrong.
E.g. 1: my fiancee works in a tech role at a start-up. She makes okayish salary. She's not super gung ho about becoming a CEO/director, but is content with middle class lifestyle. Wants to attend grad school/PhD in the future, and I support this decision, although technically this means I'll be the main bread winner for the family.
E.g. 2: I know someone who works in Big Law, and his wife works at NGO/gov orgs (think UN). He makes at least 5x what she does, and they're still happily married.
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