Article - Nightclubs are hell. What's cool or fun about a thumping, sweaty dungeon full of posing idiots?
Found this on the Guardian today. Struck a few chords. Link: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/aug/…
I went to a fashionable London nightclub on Saturday. Not the sort of sentence I get to write very often, because I enjoy nightclubs less than I enjoy eating wool. But a glamorous friend of mine was there to "do a PA", and she'd invited me and some curious friends along because we wanted to see precisely what "doing a PA" consists of. Turns out doing a public appearance largely entails sitting around drinking free champagne and generally just "being there".
Obviously, at 36, I was more than a decade older than almost everyone else, and subsequently may as well have been smeared head to toe with pus. People regarded me with a combination of pity and disgust. To complete the circuit, I spent the night wearing the expression of a man waking up to Christmas in a prison cell."I'm too old to enjoy this," I thought. And then remembered I've always felt this way about clubs. And I mean all clubs - from the cheesiest downmarket sickbucket to the coolest cutting-edge hark-at-us poncehole. I hated them when I was 19 and I hate them today. I just don't have to pretend any more.
I'm convinced no one actually likes clubs. It's a conspiracy. We've been told they're cool and fun; that only "saddoes" dislike them. And no one in our pathetic little pre-apocalyptic timebubble wants to be labelled "sad" - it's like being officially declared worthless by the state. So we muster a grin and go out on the town in our millions.
Clubs are despicable. Cramped, overpriced furnaces with sticky walls and the latest idiot theme tunes thumping through the humid air so loud you can't hold a conversation, just bellow inanities at megaphone-level. And since the smoking ban, the masking aroma of cigarette smoke has been replaced by the overbearing stench of crotch sweat and hair wax.
Clubs are such insufferable dungeons of misery, the inmates have to take mood-altering substances to make their ordeal seem halfway tolerable. This leads them to believe they "enjoy" clubbing. They don't. No one does. They just enjoy drugs.
Drugs render location meaningless. Neck enough ketamine and you could have the best night of your life squatting in a shed rolling corks across the floor. And no one's going to search you on the way in. Why bother with clubs?
"Because you might get a shag," is the usual response. Really? If that's the only way you can find a partner - preening and jigging about like a desperate animal - you shouldn't be attempting to breed in the first place. What's your next trick? Inventing fire? People like you are going to spin civilisation into reverse. You're a moron, and so is that haircut you're trying to impress. Any offspring you eventually blast out should be drowned in a pan before they can do any harm. Or open any more nightclubs.
Even if you somehow avoid reproducing, isn't it a lot of hard work for very little reward? Seven hours hopping about in a hellish, reverberating bunker in exchange for sharing 64 febrile, panting pelvic thrusts with someone who'll snore and dribble into your pillow till 11 o'clock in the morning, before waking up beside you with their hair in a mess, blinking like a dizzy cat and smelling vaguely like a ham baguette? Really, why bother? Why not just stay at home punching yourself in the face? Invite a few friends round and make a night of it. It'll be more fun than a club.
Anyway, back to Saturday night, and apart from the age gap, two other things stuck me. Firstly, everyone had clearly spent far too long perfecting their appearance. I used to feel intimidated by people like this; now I see them as walking insecurity beacons, slaves to the perceived judgment of others, trapped within a self- perpetuating circle of crushing status anxiety. I'd still secretly like to be them, of course, but at least these days I can temporarily erect a veneer of defensive, sneering superiority. I've progressed that far.
The second thing that struck me was frightening. They were all photographing themselves. In fact, that's all they seemed to be doing. Standing around in expensive clothes, snapping away with phones and cameras. One pose after another, as though they needed to prove their own existence, right there, in the moment. Crucially, this seemed to be the reason they were there in the first place. There was very little dancing. Just pouting and flashbulbs.
Surely this is a new development. Clubs have always been vapid and awful and boring and blah - but I can't remember clubbers documenting their every moment before. Not to this demented extent. It's not enough to pretend you're having fun in the club any more - you've got to pretend you're having fun in your Flickr gallery, and your friends' Flickr galleries. An unending exhibition in which a million terrified, try-too-hard imbeciles attempt to out-cool each other.
Mind you, since in about 20 years' time these same people will be standing waist-deep in skeletons, in an arid post-nuclear wasteland, clubbing each other to death in a fight for the last remaining glass of water, perhaps they're wise to enjoy these carefree moments while they last. Even if they're only pretending.
This guy cares more about being witty than looking at hotties.
Most people are the opposite.
fashionable nightclubs in london sound absolutely terrible.
Sound and are.
bitches
Clubs in mainland Europe are a lot of fun. The nightlife in the US blows by comparison.
The fact is, we live in an escapist society, and clubs are one of the ways people cope. Never was a fan. It's disgusting and it costs way too much money, but you can't tell people that, because it'll shatter the illusion that they're having fun.
I'd rather be at a metal concert.
Yet another industry which thrives on the hypothetical notion of fast, free fucking while usurping exorbitant amounts for this opportunity.
Just legalize pimpin' for all the players and see clubs disappear faster than the recording industry post i pod.
God yes. I hate the club scene. I always make an excuse when one of my friends wants to go to one.
Its like frat parties for the 20-something crowd. Loud, poor lighting, sloppy drunks. Never really got "grinding" or whatever you call what happens on the dance floor. I'll take a quiet bar any day, maybe with a game on in the background at a reasonable volume.
Hating is for ugly people.
i hate having to talk to people at nightclubs. my voice is pretty low pitched so nobody can hear me the first time i say something, unless i peer very close to that person's ear and shout. overpriced drinks suck as well.
to make the best of it, i make sure i'm a few drinks in before i get there and ready to dance with a few random hotties.
Every setting as such sucks if you don't dance.
I don't agree with all the author's points, but he is correct that our society's preoccupation with documenting all social encounters for public display on facebook is retarded.
I have a friend who carries a camera everywhere. Even when we're out like for lunch or something and starts documenting her lunch. Its fucking stupid but she's a nice girl otherwise.
I hate going to dive bars were everyone is just sitting around drinking in booths or at tables. I can see why some people like it, especially guys with girlfreinds, but its boring for me. If the goal is to just chill and drink then why bother leaving the pregame get together at a buddies apartment.
I personally want to really cut lose after working all week and get hammered drunk and dance with people i dont know and will probably never see again. It is the easiest way to pick up random chicks and is a great time getting drunk with friends and grinding to a Kesha techno remix even if you dont take a girl home.
Dive bars are fine for happy hours and weeknights, but on the weekends i want to rage and clubs are a much better environment to get after it.
The article was funny, but I disagree with the author. Touche to what Nebular said. If going to a club for you just consists of merely sitting at a table with your loser friends and watching people, then obviously your definition of "clubbing" sucks. But for those of us who enjoy dancing and picking up (or attempting to pick up) easy drunk girls, clubbing can definitely be a good time.
I didn't read the article but nothing beats getting buzzed and grinding with a hot slut. That plus sloppy dance floor makeouts and the fact I might get laid make the club scene awesome. But it's not even about getting laid it's about having fun and escaping at the club.
Bad logic: "The price is too expensive for me" -> "The price is wrong".
It amazes me how many people, especially people in finance, think this way.
Deleted
I have to say that it is all about the A$$ grind fast paced groping fest. Of course unless my GF is around then its just a time to chill.
Boring. Harmful to the body and to the mind. Seldom visit nightclubs and only drink a bit - sit back - try to relax a bit in the noise when do.
I t depends on the people of course. For me, reading is interesting,and for you club is interesting. No argue for that.
Night clubs are awful unless you're getting a table and/or you REALLY like dancing. Otherwise, bars and lounges where you can actually talk to people are the way to go.
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