Banks rated by marriageability

baylormale's picture
Rank: Orangutan | 261

I thought this article was fantastic. To make these types of statements wouldn't someone have to have a very large sample size? Like sleeping with every banker at every firm?

We've called in the services of Ivana Takitall, author of the best-selling 'Bankers, Bonuses & Big Divorce Settlements', who has agreed to rate 12 top financial markets firms in terms of how likely they are to provide single females with their perfect partner.
First off, though, some general advice from Ivana. 'A single female needs to be very careful when dating someone successful in the financial markets. Often, traders or bankers can be on the look-out for trophy wives, and regard dating, or indeed marriage, as a transaction. There can clearly be significant downsides involved here, although a big financial settlement will cushion the blow. But never sign a pre-nup', she cautions.

'You also need to look out for the predators out there, who will simply see you as a 'bed-down' challenge. Give in before they are hooked, and you will never see them again', Ivana continues, 'And be careful about the bankers who are charming, exceedingly good looking and appear too good to be true - they are probably gay'.

Here are Ivana's thoughts on the top firms

Bank of America Merrill Lynch

Keep to the guys who are based in the main financial centers, as the others can be a little rough around the edges. If you are looking for a life-long commitment, then these guys are generally not your best bet. The Merrill set, in particular, have been known to stray. Relationships can be very intense, yet of relatively short duration. These guys often have low boredom thresholds.

Barclays Capital

These guys are pretty smart, and are usually quite happy to splash their cash, bearing in mind uncle Bob Diamond is always happy to dish out big bonuses each year-end. Be a little careful, however, especially with the bankers who came over from Lehman - some of those guys had a lot of their net worth invested in that firm, and aren't now as well off as you might expect.


Those Citi boys are really quite a decent lot. Your mother would like them. They are generally respectful and are into commitment. You'll know where you stand. The only downside, however, is that they can be boringly conventional.


If going out with a 'jack-the-lad' type appeals to you, then you should probably go hunting at Commerzbank. These guys might not earn the most money, but generally they have great sense of humours and enjoy a good night out. The downside is that your Commerzbank man might well prefer to be at Upton Park or Stamford Bridge, rather than at home having a romantic evening in with you.

Credit Suisse

Family men. Dull, but worthy. If it's a secure home and quiet family life you want, go fishing in the Credit Suisse pool. But it may be more exciting watching paint dry.

Deutsche Bank

Cool, polished, and debonair. Deutsche Bank man has the look (and feel) of James Bond about him - except the guys from Essex. In fact, you are probably better off searching out an Italian or US soulmate from the German bank (the place is full of them). It might take you a little longer to reel them in, but it will be worth it. And Italian bankers from Deutsche make the best lovers.

Goldman Sachs

What can you say about Gold man ? If you can bag him, you are in a no lose situation, although he is generally cautious, and wary of ladies who might see him as a meal ticket (which he is). And remember, those canny Goldman types always hedge their risks, so they probably have stashes of cash secreted away, and you'll never find out how much they are truly worth (and neither will your lawyer!).

Jefferies & Co

The firm might be a relatively small one, but these guys aren't small in any way. Generally tall and imposing, they are casual yet sophisticated. Many have huge packages (they do well at bonus time too). Intelligent and high-minded, the only downside is that they can be a little intimidating for a girl on the make.


Imagine a firm full of little Jamie Dimons. Exquisite. OK, so there are a few Tesco Tonys (and Willy Wal-Marts) scattered around the firm, but JPMorgan men are the guys that will generally sweep you off your feet. If you are playing for keeps, look no further than Jamie's finest - each built in his image, and comes with a money-back guarantee!

Morgan Stanley

If you find a Morgan Stanley banker who is rich, free and single, you'll need to snap him up quickly. Girls put their names down early for these White Shoe boys. But be careful - you will have to pass the 'Mummy' test on both counts - you'll need to come from good stock to gain the approval of the family, and be made of stern stuff yourself, as babies are likely to come off the production line in quick succession following marriage.

Societe Generale

A glint in the eye, a warm French smile. Oodles of charm and fantastic sex. But your SocGen dream man will probably turn out to be happily married too.


Surprisingly adventurous and open-minded, UBS soulmates are generally good fun to be with. You'll need to be selective, however, as they are a mixed bunch. Keep away from the ones who might be into leather and latex though (unless that's really your thing).

United States - Northeast

Comments (17)

Jul 26, 2010

deja vu

Jul 26, 2010

Wow, thats fucking repulsive.

Jul 26, 2010

And they complain about men objectifying women.
And yes somehow, that's the best quality I could find. Also repulsive.

Jul 26, 2010


I'm not a selfish prick after all. I just have a "low boredom threshold".

Jul 26, 2010

this woman spent a full 10 seconds on wikipedia to research each of these

Jul 26, 2010

strikes anger and discord into the heart of every male (and lesbian) banker

Jul 26, 2010

Gold-digging hoes

Jul 26, 2010

I wish LSO were still around so he could to respond to this article (specifically, the description about Jefferies)!

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J. Paul Getty

Jul 26, 2010

wow disgusting

Jul 26, 2010

No wonder we all demand prenup.

Jul 26, 2010

@hobobanker - ivana is exceptionally bad, we must remember some women are actually bearable and not golddiggers

Jul 26, 2010

I'm aware of that. The problem is you don't know which are and which aren't.

Jul 26, 2010

usually it's not that hard to tell - if they make you buy shit excessively, checkmark for golddigger

Jul 26, 2010

"Investment Banker To Exotic Dancer"

Anyone see that on the sidebar? I wish I had the patience to read the whole thing. It's like a fucking book...

Jul 26, 2010

Does anyone else notice that her name is Ivana Takitall (I want to take it all)? This is probably not her real name...

Jul 27, 2010

Does anyone else notice that her name is Ivana Takitall (I want to take it all)? This is probably not her real name...

We're in fast company here, guys. lol

Jul 26, 2010