Comments (105)

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Gen
Jun 30, 2020
Intern in IB-M&A:

Be an incompetetent diversity candidate and still manage to get hired because of it.

Be obnoxious and keep correcting your peers' incompetence at spelling

    • 5
Jun 30, 2020

Should put a period at the end of sentences

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jun 30, 2020

everyone really hates diversity candidates on this site wow.
If I didn't know better I would swear that every white male in the industry was competent but we all know that's FAR from true.....

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Most Helpful
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jun 30, 2020

I'm just sick of coming from a poor backround and having to claw my way to where I am just to see objectively worse candidates get into better schools/jobs.
(Most of the examples I have seen don't actually involve myself at all, just to halt the "you're just salty that you're not as smart as black people and women"
Mostly just comparisons between my friends at uni

Ex: when a "hardo" white guy who is actually a very personable person had to settle for a lower tier BB but a comparatively dumb black girl got an early offer from a top bank when she was one of the least qualified people from my school going into IB. Match this with verified users on this site saying that diversity candidates have gotten offers in interviews with NO technicals at all and that HR is pushing quotas onto hiring to make sure that they look diverse enough, sometimes even overriding the decisions of bankers.

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  • VP in RE - Comm
Jul 1, 2020

hiring POC is gonna be so hot right now

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Controversial
  • Intern in IB - Ind
Jul 2, 2020

As a woman going into banking - I do not find this offensive at all. I've seen how with just as much interview prep, cold emails, and hustle I got my offer at a BB a couple months back while my boyfriend was stuck with no replies and sometimes flat out rejections. They don't even take the time to interview you anymore if you are a white male and aren't HYP/Wharton/Daddy's at Goldman no matter how hard life was for you.

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Jul 2, 2020

I find it hard to believe you are so sick of seeing (your words), " a dumb black girl" getting the IB spots at top BB's, bc we all know how full of "dumb black girls" top BB's are... I mean realistically, Can you even find 1 "DBG" in 10 top BB IB departments??

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  • Associate 2 in HF - Other
Jul 3, 2020

I think you hit the nail on the head right here....life isn't fucking fair. It's what you do within the social constructs of how life is set up in the era you live it in that counts. unless you're going to dedicate your life to trying to break the affirmative action/diversity movement, then just play your hardest with the understanding that you got a shit lot being born into a poor white family vs. poor black family vs. rich white family. yeah right now maybe it sucks but 50 and 100 years ago you'd be ecstatic being born into a poor white fam. Life isn't fair. people get ahead through means out of their control and a shit ton of luck and randomness. it's just how it is. takes a lot of rejections and sometimes luck to make you realize hard work only puts you in the game. it doesn't guarantee success. just work with what you got and be proud of your accomplishments. I'm not advocating for participation trophies or anything but if you do your best, that's all anyone can ask of you.

    • 8
Jul 4, 2020

As a diversity candidate who has gone through regular and diversity interviews, diversity interviews are ridiculously easy.

    • 3
Jul 4, 2020

Need some salsa for that ginormous chip on your shoulder

Edit: A typical analyst class at a BB is what, 100 kids? Maybe 5-10 of whom got in as diversity hires? Let's be honest, you were a marginal candidate to begin with if you feel threatened by those odds.

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  • Intern in IB - Gen
  •  Jul 4, 2020

If the thought that your spot in IB was taken by a Black girl is what is keeping you up at night, then I can tell you now that you can redirect your hate elsewhere. Out of an analyst class of more than 100 students, I have yet heard or seen more than 5 Black women get hired at a time.

I am tired of people making it seem like POC (non-Asian) in IB make up more than 50% of the class and that is why they did not make it.

    • 2
Jul 6, 2020

You know what also sucks. Being a "hardo" POC but having everyone think that you got in just because of a diversity programs.

Jun 30, 2020

Correct the other interns loudly during TTS seminars

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  • Prospect in IB - Ind
Jun 30, 2020

delete

    • 1
  • Prospect in IB - Ind
Jun 30, 2020

delete

    • 1
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jun 30, 2020

I just think you're some waspy fuck that created some beautiful imagery of vintage fuhnance

Jun 30, 2020

Consistently brag about who your dad is.

Array

    • 12
Jul 1, 2020

unrated comment

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  • COO in Other
Jul 1, 2020

this guy at my old firm we called him Jaime Lannister because he was always saying "my father this my father that"

Jul 3, 2020

Crucially need to refer to as Father, not dad

    • 1
Jun 30, 2020

Piss in your first MDs office while they're currently there.

    • 4
Jul 1, 2020

also an unrated comment

Array

Jun 30, 2020

Make them swallow their mouses.

Keep using yours.

Jun 30, 2020

Stay till 3am every night doing nothing, then make sure to tell everyone the next morning.

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Jul 1, 2020

Richard.4 > Richard.3

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    • 1
Jul 1, 2020

vsad

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Jun 30, 2020

wear a top hat with a morning suit
top hat

    • 12
Jun 30, 2020

show your balls. see the movie "Waiting" for inspiration.

also, don't lead with the goat. brain is a good beginner.

Jul 1, 2020

The goat, the bat wing, the brain. Just remember to kick them in the ass after and call them gay, otherwise it loses all meaning. And when you have a bit of down time, play with it and come up with new examples.

    • 2
Jun 30, 2020

Wear leather trousers and when it's your turn to introduce yourself jump up screaming "I am the god of hellfire" then bite the head off a live bat. You will have the choice of groups and be staffed on any deal you want. This also works if you wish to discourage people from sitting next to you on public transport.

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Jun 30, 2020

quote the Wolf of Wall St. and pretend like it's an unheard of movie that only true film lovers have seen.

ex: "Steeeevvveeee Maaaaadennn. haha get it guys? oh wait you probably haven't see this little film, called ths Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah it's a real tribute to cinema. kinda indie."

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  • Analyst 1 in Other
Jul 1, 2020

oh my god I had another intern last summer who actually did this

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  • Prospect in IB - Gen
Jun 30, 2020

Fuck the MD's daughter.

Somebody I know actually did that.

Edit: Well since this was upvoted, I guess I have to tell the whole story now. This happened back when my older sibling was in the recruiting process. The guy got the return offer (not sure what he's up to now) and the MD made the C Suite. Not sure about what happened with his daughter, although I think they dated for a while.

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  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

100% he goes to apollo in the future

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  • Associate 2 in IB - Ind
Jul 2, 2020

And then he gets to fuck the whole team

    • 7
Jul 4, 2020
Prospect in IB - Gen:

Fuck the MD's daughter.

Somebody I know actually did that.

Edit: Well since this was upvoted, I guess I have to tell the whole story now. This happened back when my older sibling was in the recruiting process. The guy got the return offer (not sure what he's up to now) and the MD made the C Suite. Not sure about what happened with his daughter, although I think they dated for a while.

and do it with the zoom camera on

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Jun 30, 2020

claim to be JP Morgan's great great great great (not so great-this guy sucked) great great grandson.

Jun 30, 2020

Best way to assert yourself as the alpha in your analyst class? Wrong answers only.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 1
Jul 1, 2020

cc your dad's friend who's MD and hired you on every email you send

Array

    • 10
Jul 1, 2020

Hit on every female in the office. Including the MDs. Be over-the-top inappropriate whenever possible.

    • 5
Jul 1, 2020

a good go-to is joey tribbiani's "how you doin" said with reckless abandon. say it to other women in front of women you just said it to

Jul 1, 2020

every time an analyst tries to out-maneuver you, send them a bunch of shit. literally.

https://poopsenders.com/
next time someone else does something, send them some shit.

eventually, everyone will get so tired of being shit on that they'll keep their mouths shut.

other ideas

  1. do curls on team zoom calls (assuming you have nice arms)
  2. get a hummer while you're on a zoom call (not explicit, just want to see hair and up down movement)
  3. when on a zoom call, have various scantily clad females cleaning behind you, preparing your coffee, bringing you snacks, and feeding you said snacks.
  4. anytime you're thinking, put your hand on your chin and be sure this hand has a nice watch on it. bonus points if it's different every day
  5. "accidentally" stand up during a zoom call and expose your six pack "sorry guys, just had to adjust, been sitting a while. oh, did my abs show? I had no idea they were so perfectly sculpted and hairless, anyway, about that CIM"
  6. tell other analysts to pls fix
  7. conveniently forget the coffee/food order of the one guy trying to one up you. no derek, they didn't have your kombucha ketocino bullshit thing. have black coffee like a man
Jul 1, 2020

7 really got to me, thanks you made my day a bit better

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  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

HUMAN shit, Lloyd. Right now

    • 6
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Take a 1h long shit in the morning. Don't flush, let the aroma brew, and have another analyst flush it down for you

    • 3
Jul 1, 2020

call everyone "chief" across the firm

    • 16
Jul 1, 2020

chief for everyone above you, boss for everyone below

Array

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Bonus points for bud

    • 1
  • Intern in IB - Gen
Jul 1, 2020

Be the mf who spends the entire training lectures doing the excel models then flexing on your fellow interns during the allotted time when you're supposed to work together

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Jul 1, 2020

Lie about everything to everyone

  • Partner in IA
Jul 1, 2020

Send everyone your amateur porn video....

    • 2
Jul 1, 2020

partner.....

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Jul 1, 2020

Keep your sound on in the training zoom calls

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Jul 1, 2020

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Funniest
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Change your Email signature to Senior Summer Analyst and forward shitty work to other interns

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Sleep with the MD that is frustrated with her life and now greying

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Complain about something that everyone else is having fun with

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  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

EXTREMELY meta +1

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Jul 1, 2020

Brag about how cool your college life is/was. People are keen to know how a late-night call is like when you and your boy Dave decided to cram for Accounting 201 the night before the exam.

  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 2, 2020

ALL GAS NO BRAKES BABYYY

  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Jul 1, 2020

Refuse to wear pants on Zoom calls.

Conveniently "forget" to turn off your camera

HELLO BUTTCHEEKS when you go grab a kitchen snack as your VP rambles on

Party tiem

Jul 2, 2020
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Jul 3, 2020

That is the funniest thing ever.

Jul 1, 2020

.

    • 2
Jul 2, 2020

Damn dude maybe you shoulda tried some

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Jul 2, 2020

use excel without a mouse

    • 2
Jul 2, 2020

I think the best analysts are those who constantly go to managing directors and offer to help as often as possible, thus constantly raising the expectation for the entire analyst class until the "life" part of "work-life balance" is rendered entirely nonexistent.

Jul 2, 2020

Be a "know it all" and talk a lot instead of listening.

Oh, wait - this takes the cake - have people see you on your phone all the time. This is a BIGGIE

Jul 2, 2020

Won't that show that you are distracted and get your shit done?

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

    • 1
  • Prospect in Other
Jul 2, 2020

ask senior bankers "who do you know here" when they get on conference calls

    • 1
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 3, 2020

Name 5 VPs at this bank.

    • 1
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 2, 2020

Instead of bringing a nice beer to the virtual happy hour, pull out a handle of cheap vodka (+1 if its plastic, +2 if its vitali) and take pulls periodically

    • 2
Jul 3, 2020

Walk up to the desk of a more senior analyst or associate while they're eating and ask them some dumbass question. While they're answering, continuously take bites of their food or sip their drink. If they say "what the fuck", just say you were checking for quality. Repeat everyday for the duration of your internship and you get promoted to VP straight out of undergrad, true story.

Array

Jul 4, 2020

Thanks for sharing such a info

Jul 4, 2020
Comment
Jul 5, 2020
Jul 6, 2020