Computer Science is Hell

You botched it. After 10000 hours of memorizing SAT math questions, you got rejected from every school with a modicum of prestige because everyone and their grandma are trying to do compsci. You end up going to South Nebraska State, a college your racist extended family has never heard of. You decide to major in computer science because let's face it, you don't have the social skills for front office or work ethic for medicine/law. Even though you've made some questionable decisions (like trying to ask out that cute senior in your Calc 2 class) you think made the right choice(?)

After 4 years of getting 0 play and watching Brad and Thad roofie half the sororities and running a train on them every night from the basement window of your decrepit comp sci building, grinding through leetcode bullshit, and 2 FAANG internships, you've got recruiters headhunting you like you're a blonde sitting alone at a dive bar. Some San Fransico startup focused on making a Tinder but for dogs offers you 45k because the market is oversaturated, and someplace called Shitadel rejects you because you literally know nothing about finance or economics, only how to leetcode. You ask Tinder but for dogs if they can up the ante a little, and they say they'll give you 47k and 15 bps in stock vesting over 4 years. You sign. 

It's hell. After a few years of writing javascript for 16 hours a day and unable to quit due to your noncompete, Tinder but for dogs goes public and your shares are now worth a cool 16k. You cash out, and decide to build your own startup focused on selling the data of old people who try to use dating websites. 

You want more money, so you go to the VC firm next door from your SF studio you share with 7 roommates, and you prepare to give them your pitch. You clear your breath -- "Hello! I'm a CS grad from Stanf--" One of the principals interrupts you like you're a shitty district attorney and they're the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse case. 

"Fuck outta here, Stanford kids are absolute shit. Tell your friends who went to a real school without watered down content for the athletes who got a 1010 on the SAT or grade inflation to come."

You convince your wife's boyfriend (An economics/finance grad from Yale) to act as a middleman, asking them for money with his superior degree and background (He was at GS TMT)

You ask him to ask for 5MM in funding because it's a nice round number. 

You decide to walk into Columbia Business School to network more for your brand new company (you couldn't get into a real MBA because all the actual successful people in product management filled the "tech" quota spots). It's filled with people like Brad who used to do something called investment banking. They brag about their pay -- you do the mental math (that interview grind prepared you well) and gasp as you realize these poor fuckers were making 20 bucks an hour. That's like, half the minimum wage in the Bay Area. Then you realize that in fact, they were not working 120 hours and being paid what analysts made 10 years ago, so you recalculate and find out they make a FAANG senior engineer's salary in two months.

You work on your company, and after a few long years, you get bought out by some of the Brads, Thads and Chads you knew from CBS. They do something called Private Equity now. They tell you it's so much better than what they used to do, and how it's the new banking, but like, prestigious. You smile and nod as their boss hands you a check for 1.5 times what you got to start the company. 

Your wife also left you for one of the Brads, Thads and Chads when they came to your house to sign the buyout. Because they were good looking, athletic (Brad played D1 football at ASU, Thad played lacrosse at Dartmouth, Chad was on the Yale rowing team) and wasn't pale as fuck from spending 16 hours a day leetcoding.

Life is absolute shit and you regret your career decisions.

Comments (2)

  • Intern in Consulting
Dec 31, 2021 - 4:41am

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