Confused 18 y/o girl needs advice

Anonymous Monkey's picture
Anonymous Monkey

I went to college & made an iPhone app when I was 16 years old. I do beauty pageants for fun & quote Confucius unironically. Do I have your attention now? I hope you're still with me (:

I was mindlessly ambitious in high school- I played JV basketball, took all the APs, & joined all the clubs. I only did this because I felt like no one would love me if I wasn't the prettiest, smartest, most athletic, most successful girl. Of course, also to seem "well-rounded" to elite universities(which doesn't work, I've read, they don't care how good you are at math if you are a star football player or have published three books). This accumulated in an existential crisis at 15 which got so bad my mom forbade me from reading Albert Camus. My dad had a french copy of L'Etranger but I didnt know french, so I went through the rabbit hole all by myself.

I am on WSO because for what it's worth- my older cousin works in high finance and I admired him with all my heart as a little girl. This led me to consider high finance as a career option... I came across this website after some web-browsing. It seems to me like most men in high finance are very smart.

I feel that I would be most compatible with being a stay-at-home wife and mother. It would make me so happy to serve my family. Call it slavery if you want, most employees are slaves to their bosses, except if I have to slave, then I want to slave away for a man who loves me and children who are my own flesh and blood.

The only issue is that society won't respect me unless I aspire to be an ambitious career woman. I've considered to be a preschool teacher, but people look so at me with contempt when they hear that! They want me to say lawyer, doctor, investor, entrepreneur. The shame I feel from my parents and their acquaintances is heartbreaking for me.

I feel like those careers would destroy my soul. Like I'm making a Faustian deal with my innocence, sweetness, kindness, youth, girlishness, childlikeness, and all the qualities that I value most in myself for some money, prestige, fame, power. No, I don't believe I can retain all those lovely qualities after having gone through cutthroat environments such as those.

Please help me. I am purposefully being vague in what specifically I am asking for- I would like to receive any thoughts you have for me.

I am leaving my Big Five/OCEAN personality traits here because they seem to be important in choosing careers:
Openness: 96
Conscientiousness: 98
Extroversion: 33
Agreeableness: 98
Neuroticism: 16

This is not trolling! Please offer me at least some helpful words ... my Instagram is & my twitter is if you really do think I'm trolling. Of course I'll remove the identifying info, but otherwise it's there for you to see.