Cover letter review - Second opinion?

jacksparrow992's picture
Rank: Monkey | 32

Recently posted a cover letter here and it got reviewed, one of the members kindly re-wrote the whole thing made it look better. so i changed it ever slightly and am presenting it here for you guys to review it for a second opinion. Guidance on improvement will be much appreciated.

Dear Recruiter,

I am an undergraduate at [target university] studying [engineering] and would like to apply for the Fixed Income Sales & Trading summer internship program at [Company]. I became very interested in the position after speaking to [employee] a [position within company] who spoke highly of your results-driven culture and the recent transformation in your Fixed Income portfolio, which has motivated me to join your firm.

I am primarily interested in trading, which I believe is a better fit given my preference for working in competitive and high-pressure environments. I learned to deliver results in these very environments while working as an Analyst at [company], where I also honed my analytical and quantitative skills. For example, one of the projects I undertook was an analysis of complex financial data in order to forecast [country's] domestic Oil and Gas demand, the results of which helped increase oil production by 10%.

I have been an avid follower of the currency markets, and am deeply interested in macro news and geopolitical events. Hence, I believe the FX desk will be a particularly good fit for me within the FICC space. I am also open to rotating on other macro product desks, such as Rates, Emerging Markets, and Commodities. In addition, I believe my quantitative background in Engineering will be useful in an options or derivative product.

While I am primarily interested in trading, I believe I have the necessary skills to succeed in other roles as well. For instance, I regularly advised clients on a wide variety of products as a Sales Associate for [retailer], efforts which contributed to a 20% increase in sales. In this evolving regulatory environment where the industry is shifting to more client-focused activity, I believe that my ability to quickly digest product knowledge as well as my interpersonal sales skills will also enable me to provide differentiated service to clients, and thus contribute to [company] in different roles according to the firm's needs.

Thank you for your kind consideration and I look forward to an opportunity for an interview with you soon.
Yours Faithfully [name]

Comments (6)

Sep 29, 2013

That looks good to me.
I probably didn't even pay that much attention to cover letter when I applied for GS.

BREAK CATCH-22
Fan of Yuzuru Hanyu

Sep 29, 2013

Looks solid. Good work.

Sep 30, 2013

1. I don't think "Fixed Income" should be caps
2. make sure you comma properly -- "after speaking to [employee][b],[/b] a [position]"
3. "motivated me to join your firm" -- some interviewers would find this too cocky versus "motivated me to apply"
4. "in order to forecast" -- make "with the objective of forecasting". Also not sure if you really mean you boosted oil production by 10%, kind of makes it sound like you strong-armed OPEC, which is kind of an amusing thought.
5. strike "hence" -- "with this in mind"...
6. lowercase "Engineering" & make "engineering background"
7. not sure if it is good to play up the retail role here. It's open ended enough for me to think anything from stock broker to Target employee.

Overall good, good luck

Sep 30, 2013

Wellington, can I PM you my resume? Will you have a second to take look at it? Just being too lazy to wipe out name/school/company stuff.
I am a senior.

BREAK CATCH-22
Fan of Yuzuru Hanyu

Oct 1, 2013
WhyYUNAistaken:

Wellington, can I PM you my resume? Will you have a second to take look at it? Just being too lazy to wipe out name/school/company stuff.

I am a senior.

sure

Oct 3, 2013
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