Craziest bathroom story at investment bank
What’s the craziest or funniest thing that you’ve witnessed in the bathroom at your bank?
Whether it’s a conversation you overheard, an interaction with a senior team member, or something outright non-kosher and out of this world, let the stories roll in the comments below.
Bump
This was nearly 10 years ago but there was a mystery guy who would put coffee mugs in the toilet and then do his business in them. Building mgmt had to go door to door to hold interviews with people cause this went on for like 6 months and clients were noticing. Never found out who it was.
Wish it was me
This one time I went into the washroom....and used it as intended. F**k, that was crazy.
Every time I've been in an investment bank's office...they've had strangely dirty/gross bathrooms. I don't know what it is, but 100% worse than some production facilities I've run/toured lol
It's because those bathrooms are almost entirely used by a group of dudes in their 20s. Basically the same thing as a bathroom in a fraternity house. So it's going to smell like a homeless guy farted piss regardless.
Not to mention the high chance of most of the junior bankers having multiple coffees per day + ripping gross seamless meals on a regular basis with poor sleep / exercise schedules, ends up as a deadly combo
I was taking a piss and MD walked in and we had small talk for solid 3 min w our fckin dicks in our hands smh
Never leave first. Assert dominance and mark your territory. Bonus points for maintaining eye contact the entire time.
Wrong. The correct way to assert dominance is to walk away but leave your dick hanging out of your pants.
Not at an investment bank, but one time I was taking such a long dump that the lights turned off automatically in the bathroom. Before I could finish up and trigger the motion sensor again, someone else walked in and went straight to the corner stall (out of 5). About 15 seconds went by and then he started crying. I could hear sniffling and muttering of frustration. I was about to make some noise just to let him know someone else was in there but he randomly yelled "ASS!" out of frustration in the middle of crying. I was trying to think of who it was but we shared the floor with another firm so it could have been someone I didn't know. He kept saying stuff like he was mad at himself. He didn't actually even go pee or poop because he left the stall and slammed the door on the way to the sink.The weirdest part, while he was at the sink he sounded like he was hyping himself up. "C'mon you can do this!" kind of language. I think he slapped the shit out of his own face but he could have clapped his hands to hype himself up or something similar. Before leaving he muttered "Come on you little bitch! slap" "I'll suck a god damn dick if I have to! slapslap" "A dick? I'll suck a fuckin BBC!"
Oh my god I love this. Can just imagining some white guy slapping himself trying to hype up.
I like slapping black girls to hype up
This is the content we came here for
I am crying laughing reading this. Thank you.
An HR person used the term "wank" and "load" in writing?! What IB is this lol
>Jenna from HR (paraphrased)
Not too crazy of a story but worked at an EB before MBA and the CEO would occasionally take client calls while in the middle of using the urinal. Happened multiple times while I was at a urinal by him. Always wondered what our CEO thought the client thought that sound was.
I interned at an EB. While having drinks one night some associates/VP’s were reminiscing about a retired MD. Apparently he used to take client calls/host entire conference calls with deal teams/clients/acquirers/lawyers while taking massive (audible) shits. Apparently no one on the calls would ever question it. Just this one guy pooping while answering questions, negotiating etc
Everyone laughs when I tell you to assert your dominance, but it actually works
Ok I got a couple:
1) Had to use the crapper like never before and sprinted over to one of the restrooms on the floor. All stalls were taken except for the furthest one. I went over to it and kicked the door open. On the toilet was just human excrement everywhere. Yes, not in the toilet but on the toilet. I'll leave this there
2) I was on a client floor after a meeting and had to use the restroom so I used a client bathroom which was a single lockable bathroom and ripped some juul. So I guess I juuled too much because I opened the bathroom door and a conference room next to it filled with clients saw some smoke billow out and looked jaw-dropped. Suffice to say I hightailed it out with my head down and left before anyone could id me lol
Worked on a trading floor at a french bank. The trading floor bathrooms were disgusting. Piss was everywhere on the floor, toilets left unflushed with shit and toilet paper left in them. There used to be a guy whose full-time job was to mop the floor in the bathroom in the morning and at lunch.
Because of how disgusting bathrooms were, I used to go to the bathroom on the executive floor to take a shit (the last stall had its own sink). One day, I did not lock the door tightly and someone walked into my stall and we locked eyes as my face was making the expression you make when pushing poop out of the system.
I was taking a piss at the urinal and my MD walked in awkwardly and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and gave him a face like "WTF" and he seemed angered by that and handed me a stack of CIM comments mid-stream. He then left without say a word. Didn't even use the bathroom and my desk was ten feet away from his office.
Can't believe I didn't remember this before. 4 years ago I had Taco Bell for lunch and immediately proceeded to the toilet - I was basically giving birth and trapped in there for 30 min. My boss at the time came into the washroom to check on me and put his eye up against the crack between the door frame and said "WE ARE BUSY" and then left. Freaked me out.
what did he expect you to do? get up and start working?
Walked in to see one of my MDs completely in his underwear changing to go to a baseball game. didn't even bother to use a stall
Intern got drunk at work happy hour - went and heaved in the bathroom, just an absolute mess
Came here looking for a blumpkin story
No cocaine? My how Wall Street has fallen
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