Crazy stories that happened to you in the finance industry?

Prospect in IB-M&A

What are the crazy stories (good or bad) that have happened to you while working in the finance or any industry?

Comments (42)

Funniest
Feb 18, 2020

as an intern, i once clogged a toilet and it overflowed. a lot. had to use reams of toilet paper to mop up the spill and prevent it from spreading out under the cubicle door (floor-to-ceiling door, thank the gods). couldn't manage to unblock the toilet with the brush and slowly began to panic about how i was going to dispose of the sodden toilet paper strewn across the floor without getting caught. no chance in hell i was going to be known as the toilet-clogging-intern.

the bathroom had a constant stream of people going in and out, so the bin by the sinks was out of the question, and the cubicle didn't have a bin of its own. i couldn't just jam the sheets behind the basin for fear of someone walking in immediately after me and noticing the soggy mountain. there was only one solution. i unblocked the toilet by hand and started shoving and flushing the toilet paper down the bowl as fast as i could. my arm was wet up to the elbow. had to wait at least 20 minutes for there to be a lull in activity for me to slink out and scrub the entirety of my forearm several times.

had a hard time concentrating for the rest of the afternoon after that.

true story.

Thank you for your interest in the 2020 Investment Banking Full-time Analyst Programme (London) at JPMorgan Chase. After a thorough review of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to move forward with your candidacy at this time.

    • 42
Feb 18, 2020

So you were a monkey stuck in the shit ... sound like a lot of MS here

https://media3.giphy.com/media/3ohs7PM4f1yFNaPB9m/giphy.gif

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Feb 19, 2020

This is why you failed to get that coveted return offer and the 6'3 former linebacker from Amherst with a perfect hairline did. He takes solid shits. Every time. Immaculately conceived lincoln-logs with the perfect width to length ratio. In fact, they come out so clean when he goes to wipe there is not even a remnant. While you are arm deep in shit his entire forearm is inside your mother.

    • 25
Feb 19, 2020

well, as long as he's polite to her i guess that's fine

Thank you for your interest in the 2020 Investment Banking Full-time Analyst Programme (London) at JPMorgan Chase. After a thorough review of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to move forward with your candidacy at this time.

    • 2
Feb 20, 2020

That is some funny shit

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  • Analyst 2 in RE - Comm
Feb 18, 2020

Walked into the floor bathroom to take a dump. Was hearing some weird noises from the guy next to me but didn't think much of it as I thought he was forcing out a giant log and we all make those moans.

Then I started to hear muffled voices and noises, like it was coming out of some cheap Apple headphones. Again, didn't think much of it since I thought he was watching YouTube or something.

Almost 30 seconds go by and now I am hearing moans from the guy himself, his feet are now pointed towards the toilet like he was taking a piss. His heels are now elevated like he's pumping out some calf raises and he's making full out moans.

At this point, I think he believes he is alone in the bathroom and I'm starting to get creeped out, but I can't leave because my ass is in prairie-dog mode. I hear his belt jingling, see he's now on his tip-toes, and can tell toilet paper is rubbing against something else.

This is when I realize what he's doing. He's full blown masterbating in the office bathroom. Watching porn on his phone with some headphones to not give it away, but boy was it obvious looking back on it now. I didn't even finish my dump, had to pinch it and gtfo. I don't even think I washed my hands, just had to leave at that exact moment. I was not about to be in the same bathroom when this freak finished, nor did I want him to even see my shoes to possibly question me later in the day.

Thing is, I saw his shoes and was able to tell who he was later in the day. He was a SVP who brought in a lot of deals and made the firm a lot of money. Been there for 8ish years. Never told the story to anyone except my girlfriend. And from that moment on, I avoided that SVP like the plague, out of fear he saw my shoes that fateful day and out of disgust that he had no shame doing what he did.

This was three years ago at a very large CRE firm and the SVP is still there. And from what I heard, guy takes at minimum 10-12 bathroom breaks a day.

    • 25
Feb 18, 2020
Analyst 2 in RE - Comm:

This was three years ago at a very large CRE firm and the SVP is still there. And from what I heard, guy takes at minimum 10-12 bathroom breaks a day.

Doesn't sound like rookie numbers to me...

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 9
Feb 18, 2020

https://media.giphy.com/media/624P6yxUw2HwT9Sxs6/giphy.gif

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 6
Feb 19, 2020

Mark Hana would be proud. Plus sounds to me like he was doing what he needed to do to get sh*t done. He still crushed it at the office and is still there? Guess mgmt is ok he takes the occasional trip to Palmdale.

Feb 19, 2020

That's the key to his success probably. Keeps him calm.

Finance Data Science

Feb 19, 2020

Would you still shake his hand next time he closes a big deal?

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Feb 20, 2020

I caught a guy doing that my freshmen year in High School. Heard the tissue flapping hard as hell and then when i walked in he would stop, and then start back up again. Had a class with him a year or two later. Could never take him serious after that.

Feb 20, 2020

Next time, assert your dominance by knocking on the door, and breaking up his flow.
"Hey buddy, how's it going in there? Need a hand?"
""Who's your favorite Little Rascal? Alfalfa... or is it Spanky?"
"Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?"
"Cleanup on aisle 3."
"Housekeeping. You want towel?"

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  • Analyst 1 in RE - Comm
Feb 18, 2020

Not directly related to work, but happened at work. From our break room/kitchen we are able to see the top of our parking garage about two blocks away. One night I was standing in looking out the window while one of my coworkers was making coffee behind me.

As I'm absent minded looking around I notice someone on top of the garage struggling to get into their car. Took me a second to realize that they weren't struggling to get into the car but actually trying to break into it. I guess they thought no one would be in the offices around this late at night and there wouldn't be anyone to see them. As a note, the lower, covered floors have more cameras than the top floor, which just has two.

After processing what was going on I called over my coworker to check it out and ask if we should do anything. The guy walks up next to me as the door to the car pops open, takes one look at what's going on, practically drops his coffee, yells "fuck" and books it out of the room.

From my vantage point I can see the guy go through the car in about a minute. As he takes off I can see my coworker full sprinting down the sidewalk towards the building. By the time he got up to his car the thief was long gone. Thankfully all the guy got was a few bucks from the center console and a bracelet my coworker's girlfriend left in a cup holder.

Overall it was some 10/10 entertainment and made what would have been a dull night slightly better.

    • 8
Feb 19, 2020

First week at my job a investment company we were doing business with was trading massive positions t bills and he wasn't suppose to be . He got caught by someone at our office, the FBI got involved and that firm is now going bankrupt. It was in the news

Most Helpful
Feb 19, 2020

Probably the most wild was my first job in the 2007-09 era where the firm basically went belly up (e.g. Lehman, Bear, ML) and was acquired.

You see a side of people you wouldn't expect in those times. Most notably was one MD in our group. He was a solid performer (at least in yearly revenue terms), but not top bucket and basically had 1 major account that steady state did 1-2 deals each a year and 1 mega deal every like 2 years. Pretty standardized process and churned a lot in fees, but it was all he really had. The kicker was the CFO of the account loved him and would get him access to the board. So basically this MD's book was purely based on one--albeit strong--relationship. He didn't grow the account at all or the business. Just waited to be called.

Anyways, when our firm was going under, he was one of the first to go. Our floor was completely open so you could always see everything going on. Come to the 'big day', head of our group and HR made an error in judgement telling him the 'news' on the floor we all worked on. Of course we couldn't hear the conversation, but afterwards heard him slam the door and yell 'I'll just take xyz account with me!' The head of our group was smart to stay silent as he knew the MD's statement was complete non-sense. HR, however... let's just say they didn't get the memo... HR responded something along the lines of 'that violates the non-compete'. MD snapped back 'what are you going do? You'll be out of a job next'. Made a pretty big scene before being escorted out (as is pretty standard in banks). HR tried to save face to everyone on the floor, but I think you all know how that probably turned out.

Cut to a few years later and heard the MD started got into the market of wholesaling electronics. Could be a rumor, but I like to think its true.

    • 4
Feb 19, 2020

.

    • 1
Feb 19, 2020

Not my story, but was one from fellow associates in my class. He was on a roadshow with our MD, and the MD had the associate update the pitchbook while on the road. MD then threw the old pitchbooks down the hotel garbage chute. As MD+associate were about to head to the airport, MD decides that leaving the old pitchbooks in the hotel garbage was insufficiently secure, so he had the associate get out, and ask the hotel for access to the dumpster room, so that he could get the books and then shred them. Associate had to climb into the smelly, soggy dumpster while still in his suit pants, and fish the books from out of the stinky mess, food waste and all, then shred them and race to airport to catch the flight.

    • 7
Feb 19, 2020

Our trading desk was using some expensive Aeron-like thing, but I could never get them to sit right, and neither could anyone else. Killer on the back. One of my co-workers had a bad back, and we suggested he get one of those big gym balls to sit on to help him build core strength and get better posture, instead of a chair. He brought in a hippity hop. We had a good time taking photos of him riding that inflatable horse at the desk.

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  • Analyst 3+ in HF - Other
Feb 19, 2020

I watched someone headbutt a coworker last week over a disagreement. Does that count?

Feb 20, 2020

Lol, they still have a job?

  • Analyst 3+ in HF - Other
Feb 20, 2020

Yes, everyone is still here.

Feb 19, 2020

I once worked in an open office, where the desks were tiny and people from different department across the company were cramped together. It was like a grocery store -- everyone was always in someone's way, it was always noisy, and there was usually a mess somewhere.

People would have team meetings in the open, take personal phone calls, talk about their relationships, and no one really batted an eye until one fateful day. I was at my desk when I heard two of my coworkers, a quiet techie and a bossy, prestige-oriented girl going at it over some code the techie wrote.

Bossy Girl was critiquing Techie's code, even though she had zero coding experience. Techie was defending himself and Bossy Girl kept telling him that he "wasn't a team player" and that everyone on the team hates him (she wasn't wrong; he was a really nice kid, but the MD randomly decided to hate his guts and went on to isolate Techie throughout his stay at the company). This got our usually chatty office to quiet down, and from there, Bossy Girl and Techie got louder and louder, and the limits to their insults got broader and broader. NOTHING was off the table; they were screaming at each other about completely unrelated things at this point (I do believe "this is why you're single" and similar phrases were uttered by both parties) and getting rather personal when the MD walked in and promptly yanked them out of there and into a conference room. We're all still silent in the open office.

From there, it became the Salem Witch Trials. Techie and Bossy Girl's coworkers were brought in and out of the room throughout the day as "character witnesses" to rag on Techie; it was absolutely insane. Their entire department shut down for the next few days to resolve the drama.

    • 3
Feb 19, 2020

As a techie, I would have quit on the spot

  • Incoming Analyst in IB - Gen
Feb 20, 2020

This (female) MD during my internship doesn't have a laundry machine at home, thus dry-cleans all of her clothes.

One day she asks me if I can pick up her laundry at the dry-cleaner on the same block at the office. As an intern you can't really say no to such a request so here I (male) am on my way to pick up her laundry expecting one blazer or something. And oh well you guessed the rest - she also dry-cleans her underwear...

Feb 20, 2020

How hard did you sniff them?

    • 3
Feb 20, 2020

Well not much to sniff, they were clean LOL

    • 4
Feb 20, 2020

kill it with fire

Feb 20, 2020

I once created the world's largest privately held financial mass media company, became the mayor of NYC, and then managed to destroy my own reputation in my first Democratic debate. Beat that

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Feb 23, 2020

That Tim Duncan endorsement should get you back on track. I will always support the legion of former Spurs

I'm a fun guy. Obviously I love the game of basketball. I mean there's more questions you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself. I'm not just gonna give you a whole spill... I mean, I don't even know where you're sitting at

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Feb 20, 2020

I always carry a thong is my small purse( because I often have dates after work and I don't like wearing them during the day). I never leave my purse on the floor so I'm pretty sure many people noticed it when I mistakenly left it open.

    • 1
Feb 20, 2020

...aaand we've identified the next rapid-promote to MD. Good way to signal your alpha female status, and let the boys know you're going commando

    • 1
Feb 20, 2020

I once ashed my cigarette in a cake in front of the client's being presented the cake.

Feb 24, 2020

*This is actually a true fucken story - guy is baller

Feb 24, 2020

First, take into account this was still when you could smoke cigarettes inside corporate spaces and most people's desks had ashtrays.

I sat in the first seat/row of our group's area as I was the admin, the more senior people sat behind me: associate, analysts, VP and then President. Everyone in my group smoked in the office except for me and one female associate. There was a designated smoking area next to our cafeteria and most staffers out of respect for non-smoking co-workers would go to the smoking area more often than not.

One day the female associate makes a scene about the female analyst smoking. Analyst says "I only smoke at my desk when you're at lunch." Associate says "Doesn't matter, I can still smell it."

More words go back and forth. I can feel the tension rising but I don't want to turn around to watch the fireworks. However, after a minute or two of increasingly raised voice, I do hear a loud thunk near me and then out of nowhere my boss gets involved.

He calls out their names and ushers both staffers to a conference room.

The aftermath: the associate gets fired and I find out that the loud thunk was her grabbing and winging the analyst's ashtray some 10 to 15 feet into our group's shared trash bin and narrowly missed hitting my head in the process.

    • 5
Feb 24, 2020

First, take into account this was still when you could smoke cigarettes inside corporate spaces and most people's desks had ashtrays.

I sat in the first seat/row of our group's area as I was the admin, the more senior people sat behind me: associate, analysts, VP and then President. Everyone in my group smoked in the office except for me and one female associate. There was a designated smoking area next to our cafeteria and most staffers out of respect for non-smoking co-workers would go to the smoking area more often than not.

One day the female associate makes a scene about the female analyst smoking. Analyst says "I only smoke at my desk when you're at lunch." Associate says "Doesn't matter, I can still smell it."

More words go back and forth. I can feel the tension rising but I don't want to turn around to watch the fireworks. However, after a minute or two of increasingly raised voice, I do hear a loud thunk near me and then out of nowhere my boss gets involved.

He calls out their names and ushers both staffers to a conference room.

The aftermath: the associate gets fired and I find out that the loud thunk was her grabbing and winging the analyst's ashtray some 10 to 15 feet into our group's shared trash bin and narrowly missed hitting my head in the process.

    • 2
Feb 24, 2020

This was back at University. I lived in a dorm where there was a shared fridge. I bought some chicken breasts and then proceeded to cook them in the oven. It was a community fridge and kitchen. I forgot all about them and the entire kitchen filled with smoke. I opened the door and the fire alarms went off. The fire department immediately arrived and after they took care of the overcooked chicken, I proceeded to ask to the firefighters what happened. Also back in college, I had an ounce of weed in my dorm room, college police knock on my door, I shut the door. I had the rest of the weed and open the door with with 2 grams of pot. The cops make me flush it down the toilet. I still had the rest though haha.

"It's okay, I'll see you on the other side"

    • 3
Feb 24, 2020

When I first started my analyst job we had a fantasy football draft with roughly 10 co-workers. The draft was pretty routine, it was held at our bank location, we ordered in Mexican food, everyone had a few drinks, and it took a couple hours to complete. Our CEO was in our league and during the draft had tasked my supervisor and another fellow analyst with cleaning up/shutting off all of the lights after everyone left. After the draft, one of my co-workers had left to head home, and realized roughly 5 minutes later that he had forgotten his cell phone back at the branch. When he got back into the bank, the draft room had turned into a scene from "Debbie Does Dallas" and caught the two bumping uglies.. the male supervisor was fired and the female analyst got to keep her job...

Mar 6, 2020
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  • Prospect in Other
Mar 7, 2020