Critique my cold email

I am cold emailing random bankers in Investment Banking with this email.
I would appreciate any feedback on it.

Subject line: [firm name] informational chat

Dear xxx,
My name is xxx and I came across your Linkeidn profile.
I completed my [degree+subject ] from the [university name] in September.
Since then I have gained x months experience in Industry.
Most recently I have completed a x week investment banking internship at [firm name].
I am currently exploring further internships and full time opportunities in investment banking and I am looking to learn more about [firm name].
I appreciate how busy you must be but I was wondering if you were available for a quick coffee chat on day at Time?
I would be most grateful to learn more about your experience at [firm name] and any advice you may have. I am more than available to meet at any time and date more suitable for you.
Kind regards
xxx

 
Best Response

Too long and wordy. Try this:

"Hello Bob the Goldman Sachs Banker,

My name is Mikewagner, and I graduated with a degree in economics from Harvard in September. I am interested in learning more about investment banking and Goldman Sachs in particular. Would you have some time this week for a quick call? I have attached my resume for context. Thanks.

Best,

Mikewagner"

 

No. You're speaking with another human being, not a god. This might be a different story if you're in London, but in the US, people tend to be pretty informal in business situations.

EDIT: Sorry, forgot to respond to your last point about meeting in person. Yes, that is better, but this is your first contact with this banker, so offering a phone call is more appropriate. Think about it this way: if you were to go on a date with a chick, you'd text her a few times before meeting in-person, right?

 
<span itemprop=name>techjobsyankee</span>:

Wow. Strong email template, but does the raw confidence of being a harvard grad help in pulling of the succinctness or is there even more of a case for succinctness if you aren't from a top target?

Doesn't matter. I went to a non-target and had good luck with this template. The thing is, bankers don't have all day to read some email novel you send them. Moreover, succinctness is a strength in IB, so you showing that before you even meet the banker is good.

 

This has always worked for when I was trying to contact individuals within the industry, or across my company. People don't want to hangout with robots, and there's no reason to hide the purpose of your email when it's apparent to both of you.

 

As a lawyer trying to break into IB, I usually send the email below to bankers with a JD degree. I try to create some sort of rapport before asking for help. It can be anything, e.g., you and the banker studied the same major, interned at the same company, or the banker similarly made a career switch through grad school. My email is relatively casual, but that's just how my colleagues write to each other and clients.

Hi First Name,

Hope all is well [and congratulations on your promotion to/appointment as VP/MD/Vice Chairman]. I am a [] attorney looking to switch to investment banking [] advisory. I saw on your bio/LinkedIn that you also studied/practiced law prior to your career in IB, I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to make myself more competitive for a [] position at []. Do you have time for coffee or a phone call in the next two weeks? Please let me know.

Thank you, [Your First Name]

 

What's the goal of this emails? Ask the person for a favor to send your application email to the decider to avoid the HR department and get an interview?

Sorry, I am not from USA, it's a little bit unusual in my country.

 

Hey folks - long-time lurker here, but quick question. I just finished my MBA program (not an IB internship) and am doing some cold emails myself. I'm reaching-out to alums from my program but some of them are Managing Directors - no one lower at that firm.

Is it a bad call to cold email an MD?

Thanks

 

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