Dealing with SO's past?

Not trying to turn this site into a reddit forum, but would appreciate any thoughtful comments on this.

Over the past month I've been hanging out with a girl that I started talking with several months back (I was in a different city at the time). We vibe well and hit it off the bat. She's a senior in college and I'm a couple years older than her.

However I've had a hard time dealing with her hoe-y past, things that happened when she was in middle/high school. I also just found out that she solicited nudes for $ back in Feb (she doesn't know i found out)... She claims that the change happened a few years ago, but when I found out about the nudes exchange that crushed me. What self respecting person does that?

Part of my issue is that I have this picture perfect image of what I "think" I'd like in a partner. She checks many of the boxes, hot, values align (most important imo), and driven. But I initially had a hard time getting over the things she's done. Part of me thinks that people rarely change, and go back to their previous habits when circumstances are different..

In short, I've made her feel bad about it over the past couple weeks, along with making her feel bad about her family (shitty of me, I know. But her mom hasn't been the best towards her, and her dad is a bum. Unhappy marriage).

Edit: Forgot to mention that I've been meditating on it, and I think it's just on me to exhibit forgiveness. I really do think she's great and believe we'd be great partners in the future.

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Comments (163)

  • Associate 1 in ER
Jul 18, 2021 - 5:20pm

lol so the saying goes. Do all girls go through a hoe phase? Maybe it's better all that shit already happened and she learned from it. 

Some would argue that ex-hoes make the best housewives in some cases, they get that shit out of their system and realize it's not for them then move on. Obviously it'd be better if it never happened in the first place but..

Controversial
Jul 18, 2021 - 5:40pm

lDo all girls go through a hoe phase? Maybe it's better all that shit already happened and she learned from it. 

Some would argue that ex-hoes make the best housewives in some cases, they get that shit out of their system and realize it's not for them then move on. Obviously it'd be better if it never happened in the first place but..

a girl can't bond with someone the same way once she's had 50 different dicks inside her.. if you marry her, she will cheat on you and blow it all up. if she was a hoe in middle / high school, that's a huuuuuuuuge red flag. I would never marry a girl with a body count above 5, preferably 0-2. That's really rare and real unicorn stuff in the US, some foreign chicks are better. American women are downright whores nowadays, use it to your advantage (easy casual sex hehe) but don't marry a whore. Is that a double standard? Hell yeah it is. Would feminists say that's misogynistic? Hell yeah they would. But I don't fucking compromise and neither should you.
 

Every other girl is just a pump and dump baby. Skeet skeet skeet.

Jul 18, 2021 - 6:59pm

The only person you're fooling is yourself if you think there's a magical moment where a hoe switches from sleeping and banging around to complete exclusivity for the next 30-40 years. You say she's already lied to you about what happened earlier this year. That tells you all you need to go. The lying and cheating will continue, plain and simple. Let's be honest the reason you're struggling with this is that she's hot, but you've got to stop playing with fire or else you're going to be burned one day beyond repair. 

Array

  • 3
Jul 19, 2021 - 8:34am

Dude if she's gone above >5 by early-20s you should be a little careful. If she's already in the double-digit range by this point, you got to get out (for LT relationships, short term stuff doesn't matter have fun). I know it's not super easy to find per se, but I do know of a number of high quality girls who have only been with a handful of guys, good values & temperament, good personalities, etc. So it's not like trying to find a unicorn, but is a bit more uncommon. More common among Asian women (broadly speaking)

She's not going to suddenly turn into the dream girl who always stays faithful. Whether it's now or in 10 years, probability she will stray is high. How did you find out about here hoe past by the way? And also about the nudes?

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Jul 18, 2021 - 5:16pm

Chicks have baggage. Some have more baggage than others. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jul 18, 2021 - 5:20pm

Nice of you to show up here lol. For the serious gfs you've had (how long ago was that?), did any of that baggage bother you at all?

Yeah the baggage is red flags. I'm currently seeing a girl with lots of baggage and told her they are red flags and she agrees with me. The important thing is how the girl deals with the baggage. Some chicks can handle their issues and past, others can't. Stay away from the girls who can't handle their past and current issues as they are a ticking time bomb.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 1
  • Associate 1 in IB - Restr
Jul 19, 2021 - 10:42am

Only a month?  Get out.  Girl w/ a fucked up home life who's been steadily getting fucked since middle school is likely to be an absolute train wreck, which she'll gradually reveal the longer you keep her around.    

Funniest
Jul 18, 2021 - 5:59pm

Really, truly, no offense to you at all, this may not be your particular case, and I'm sorry for saying this, but 95% of ER guys I've met are beta males who probably have cuckold fetishs. I can see it in their beady little equity research eyes. They should set price targets for how much they're going to lose in their divorce.

Jul 18, 2021 - 5:56pm

Associate 1 in ER

She claims that the change happened a few years ago, but when I found out about the nudes exchange that crushed me. What self respecting person does that?

Good question....do you think that she has drug problem that you might not know about? 

  • Associate 1 in ER
Jul 18, 2021 - 6:29pm

Thank you VP (not sure if you actually are lol). Yea that's a question I havent asked her cause I dont wanna know the answer and it'd just bug me more. I will report back to this thread in a few weeks i think.

Main thing for me is, it's so hard to find women these days with values that align with mine (politics, family life etc). 

Jul 18, 2021 - 7:05pm

If you're worried that complete information is going to bother you more, that tells a lot really. You know her personality is questionable but she's very hot so it's hard to let go. My advice - cut it early before you're fully seduced and have reached the point of no return. Also this is good practice for later on in life. Assuming you stay in high finance you can bet attractive hoes will be chasing you post-marriage too, so this is good practice to resist the temptation of lust.

Array

  • 1
Jul 18, 2021 - 7:11pm

Lol, please do not seek relationship advice here. This sub is toxic in many ways, but it becomes even more so when you discuss women and relationships. Most of the people here view themselves as better than the rest of society and the comments here show it. Baggage can be fine. Baggage cannot be fine. Are you insecure and can't grow past it? How is she today? This is so nuanced... you gotta figure it out yourself, bud. I can't stand the large majority of people in finance, the last thing I would do is take advice from anyone here.

edit: separately, try to avoid attacking peoples' home life & background... I have done this too and it is not how you want to start a relationship. It is largely out of control of people, which may raise another question / red flag... you either accept the shit and work through it or you don't. Most people are the circumstances of their family and they can't break that. Also, the hottest chicks with cool personalities typically don't have the Christian prude backgrounds people want. Gotta be cool with some of that shit. 

Jul 18, 2021 - 7:24pm

Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. If modern women get to be concerned about a man's financial future-you as the investor in the relationship-have every right to care about a women's sexual history. Highly promiscuous women usually tend to be a bit unstable and have a harder time of forming a pair bond attraction. Another important detail is that this chick has family issues so this will probably manifest itself into the current relationship- if it hasn't it will. 

Do yourself a favor and do more vetting; know your value. I've seen so many men get absolutely emotionally destroyed from these women bro.

Jul 18, 2021 - 7:46pm

This is one of my biggest fears. Falling in love with a woman with a hoe-y past. Because odds are she will go back to it. Really hard to expect a woman that has slept with 40 guys over 4 years to somehow stay loyal to one guy for many many decades into the future. Shame really. 

Jul 19, 2021 - 8:44am

Honestly similar for me, biggest fear is falling for a women who's inclined to cheat later. Could be 5 years, could be a decade later. But that's why you've just got to be more selective initially. How do you tend to find out if the body count is really high? Lot of girls lie about it

I think some other red flags are daddy or mommy issues / heavy partying / poor self esteem / travels alone to other countries / close friend group is promiscuous. Obviously you can't run someone down a checklist but none of this stuff requires any extra work on your part, just simple observations -- when they start stacking up that's when you gotta have the self awareness to pull out

  • Analyst 3+ in IB - Gen
Jul 18, 2021 - 7:47pm

don't have the study with me, but there's a study somewhere out there that shows a strong inverse correlation between a woman's promiscuity and her socioeconomic status.. Says alot right there.

Jul 18, 2021 - 7:54pm

Eh I'd have to see the link first to believe it. I think it's going to be really difficult to measure sorority girls sleeping with frat bros in college or weekly one night stands in Manhattan. My initial guess is the study is going to look at girls in promiscuous careers to draw conclusions. If that's the case your stated conclusion seems reasonable, but obviously its accuracy is questionable.

Array

Jul 19, 2021 - 6:04pm

Source on this?

I'd expect the wealthiest women to be somewhere in the middle

Gets married to mediocre guy out right after HS and never leaves hometown -> low socioeconomic status

Sleeps with a ton of guys, not good at relationships possibly becomes a single mom -> low socioeconomic status

Jul 18, 2021 - 8:38pm

Just don't expect anything from her.

As soon as you said you may be in love with her, and that you think she could be a great partner, you lost.

You're expecting a girl (probably a nice, fun girl too) that sold her nudes just a few months ago is suddenly going to be saved by you. That she's suddenly 'changed and matured'.

Don't be a fool. Don't be naive. Enjoy your time with her, but never, EVER, stop expecting that 2 years in you'll find out she's sending nudes to one of her ex's or some random on FB.

Let her prove herself to you, and don't take her that seriously. If you feel like you can get a better girl, then do so, but if not, just enjoy this girl. But don't expect anything.

Jul 18, 2021 - 9:55pm

Bro, she was sending nudes on FB messenger for $$ in February.

What the hell man? HUGE red flag. And she didn't tell you about it? And you're still considering a future with her?

These type of girls can emotionally destroy you. Just imagine how many group chats have her nudes floating around. You'll progressively find out more and more shit that pisses you off. You'll take it out on her, she'll feel like shit and resent you. Then the fighting starts. The late night arguing. Every time she goes out late at night with some girlfriends you'll feel anxious because deep down you don't trust her.

Do both her and yourself a favour and next it now. If you can hold your composure and not be a wimp about it, tell her you want to be casual and aren't looking for something serious. Then just keep hooking up with her. Beware, if you do this, she'll turn into the perfect GF material trying to convince you it's worth it. I personally think option #2 is too dangerous if you're being this delusional about a girl with this many red flags.

Just ask yourself this: Do you really want to date a girl whose nudes an A1 can solicit for the cost of maybe 2 nights worth of seamless orders?

If you really really like her: Give me her insta, and I'll PM you the nudes I get. At least then you'll know what her price is. Never paid for nudes but goddamn I've seen so many nice, wholesome dudes eaten up by shit like this.

Jul 19, 2021 - 2:14am

Agree that Option 2 is downright idiotic. We already know that OP is weak and having a difficult time resisting the hot slut as is. The chic isn't a fool here. If OP tries to keep it "casual" she'll play on his emotions and before long they'll be dating again except this time there won't be any way to make it casual again. OP either has to cut her out entirely and block her or he's going  to be overcome.

Array

Jul 18, 2021 - 11:08pm

Here is the thing.

You are posting here for validation of your inner voice.  Your inner voice is telling you something is off and you are afraid of what that means and are conflicted about your feelings for this person.  Take a step back and breathe.

Would it be different if she was married before?  Abortion?  Jailed?  Transvestite?  Democrat?  Professional mime?  Only you can set the limits of what you find unacceptable and what defines your happiness with someone.  Everyone is different.  Everyone has a different moral compass.

If you are asking a bunch of anonymous people on a message board, you ALREADY know the answer.

Namaste.

D.O.U.G.

  • 5
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Jul 19, 2021 - 12:50am

I've been seeing escorts for 2 years and let me tell you one thing: once a woman becomes a whore, she is always a whore UNLESS she needed money terribly when she started for a VERY-SPECIFIC reason --- real life example being her dad/mom was sick and needed a lot of $ or her husband gambled like hell and lost $10000 million dollars and somehow she couldn't get a divorce --- otherwise AVOID ALL those women.

One more thing, even if that women needed money BADLY, she NEEDS to WANT to get rid of this identity and this lucrative "job". 

Your girlfriend apparently is not a hooker, but the gist remains the same. 

It's not the time for fight, it's the time for FLIGHT.

Jul 19, 2021 - 12:59am

Honestly gonna play the other side and say that I would give no fucks about a "hoe-y" history. I am not particularly known for my morals and am not really one to judge. But that's just me, and I seem to be quite the minority on this one. As long as she ain't doin it when she's with me, then I truly don't care. You're your own person, and since you posted here looking for some level of validation for what you're feeling, then just walk away. It's fine for you to do that. It is your decision, and sometimes what's best for you may hurt someone else, but that's just the way the world works.

Dayman?
  • 1
Jul 19, 2021 - 6:03am

dump her ass you have been together for 1 month and you are talking like its your fiancé what the fuck

I'm from Europe 

  • 3
  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Jul 19, 2021 - 8:08am

People mature with time. Maybe you are 100% confident in every action you made in the past, but most people recognize their past had some mistakes that they made that they needed to learn from. If the girl lacked proper parental guidance she might have not known any better and learned from past mistakes making her the great girl she is today. Just as an example, I think many men treat women poorly when they are younger because they are pretty egotistical, as must younger individuals are, and eventually they mature and treat women better over time. I don't think it's fair to state things like a persons past 100% defines their future because it refuses to acknowledge growth or lessons learned along the way. If she acknowledges past actions as mistakes that she has learned from, it's pretty silly to judge a person for that. 
 

That said, there could be past actions that indicate a value problem. One red flag that you didn't mention, but that I think is a pretty strong indicator of a larger issue is cheating. If someone cheats once, there's a chance they are just a more dishonest partner that is more likely to sneak behind their partners back/ not have respect for relationship boundaries. That said, judging someone for their past partners is pretty silly. She might have needed to find out the type of guys she liked or she might have had her wild phase and now straightened out.

Also, Y'all clowns in the comments are acting like you all wouldn't have promiscuous pasts if you could. Grow up virgins. 

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Jul 19, 2021 - 11:48am

No, more accurately my GF is kind enough to forgive me for past mistakes that I learned from. Being a player is cool until you have a daughter and realize you are protecting her from guys like yourself.

Jul 19, 2021 - 4:02pm

Nah bruh. Why would I pay full price for somethin when other dudes got it for free!? Plus, who cares if a dude has had a "promiscuous" past. If I slept with a hundred girls thats indicative that I'm a high value guy OR ELSE WHY WOULD A HUNDRED CHICKS WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME. With girls that's completely different: You get sex simply for existing . There's no blank slate here: you cant put women in the same playing field as men both literally and figuratively. OP should just drop this girl, chase bags, and spin plates. Don't settle.

Jul 19, 2021 - 9:28am

thebrofessor.                               

I don't judge, but I'd eliminate her from the list of prospects, plenty of fish in the sea bro, but that's just me

Aren't you still subconsciously judging her?

Array

Jul 19, 2021 - 10:44am

I mean judge in the religious sense, not as a synonym for "having a less-than-ideal opinion of someone." I'm a mere mortal so I cannot judge the worth or value of other mortals and their sins/lack of sins because I am also a sinner. the old "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" is operative here and I don't think there's a hierarchy of sins, so yes I mean what I said literally. I may believe she's a ho, but I don't judge her for it, and just because you can forgive someone doesn't mean you have to associate with them, so exactly that: no judgment, but also no more dates with me

  • Associate 1 in ER
Jul 19, 2021 - 9:43am

Honored the legendary Brofessor stopped by my thread. Thing is, are there really that many fish in the sea out there?? Taking cuts for political views, not an idiot, family values, religious, personality really slims down the pool. Dramatically. I believe you're married (forgive me if I'm wrong), but dating today absolutely blows for someone not just trying to hook up and finding quality people. The biggest thing I believe is being able to work through issues together and also enjoy each others company. We shall see

Jul 19, 2021 - 10:41am

based on how many women have told me how few good guys are out there, yes. if you are a catch, your pool of options is large, and I mean being a catch beyond genetic gifts

if a chick had a sketchy past because of some issues, that's one thing, and I could get past hard drug use as well as crazy ex boyfriends, the idea of nudes of my wife floating around though is a bridge too far

just my opinion, don't take it as gospel

Jul 19, 2021 - 2:54pm

I live in a very liberal city and can confidently say from personal experience that there are quite a number of girls that blow your potential GF out of the water in terms of character. Politics is definitely the trickiest filter, but since you've seem to have already passed that hurdle with your current GF you can definitely find virgins, family values, religious, etc. if you try. Only the crazy AOC types will blow you off for voting red- most of the moderate liberal girls will make an "exception" if they like you.

Array

Jul 19, 2021 - 10:18am

Hypothetically based on the little info you have shared, if you were my brother asking me something about this, I would say do what makes you happy / you think is best and I would try to be there for you to help with whatever comes your way. If she was my sister and found herself in this kind of situation, I would hopefully try to understand why she did what she did. I'm not a female, so I can't possibly fully understand the reasons behind her actions, but maybe I could try to help. Not sure what makes the most sense for you in this situation in particular, just trying to share some hopefully helpful comments. 
 

good luck man

also good luck to all the other people posting on this thread, sounds like you got a pretty active support group here fairly quickly

Jul 19, 2021 - 11:06am

If you're this uncomfortable with it now, you're not going to become more comfortable with it later once you get to know her more and...ahem... all the things she did. I won't call her a hoe and I won't tell you not to see her or call you a beta-simp for doing so. Do what you want, it is your life after all. HOWEVER, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't date her, causal sure, but nothing serious LT. People saying that her sleeping with more than 5 guys by her early twenties is too much, I don't think it is. Even 20 guys aren't really that bad. The weed is okay too tbh. What would bother me the most is her daddy issues (not stable lol), her being a "hoe" in middle school. I mean can you imagine a 13-year-old hoe... it's disgusting. Lastly, it would be the nudes. Selling pictures of herself says a lot. That's just me though, you do you. 

Final thought, if you've been seeing her for a month, why do you call her your SO? I guess it's not big a deal, but you haven't been together long enough for her to be very significant lmao. 

Jul 19, 2021 - 11:22am

# of sexual partners matters quite a lot. Quite a few studies on this, women who have fewer partners tend to be more satisfied in a marriage / less likely to divorce / more likely to be faithful. Here's one below for instance in a study from University of Utah's Institute of Family Studies. And aside from data, psychologically it makes sense too. A girl who's sampled 20-30 dishes is likelier to crave those dishes vs. only trying a few. Also those who are that promiscuous tend to lack family values more often than not. Lot of ways this can go wrong

To be clear here, if you're casually seeing a girl doesn't matter how many partners she's had. But if you're looking to marry a girl at some point, it is important to factor stuff like this in. Who you marry may be the single most important decision you make & potentially the longest lasting 

Statistically, can a women be loyal after marriage if they have had too many sexual partners prior to marriage? Has there been any empirical research? - Quora

Jul 19, 2021 - 11:33am

I understand, but it would heavily depend on the woman. If she had a lot of fun in college but 'matured' afterward then I think it's okay. If she's the type to go out a lot to clubs, is somewhat unstable (daddy issues), and gives off that slutty vibe then I agree it's best to avoid. I wouldn't rule a girl just because she's had a lot of sex, if it was like 50 guys by 24 then yeah that's a bit much but if she checked all the boxes and I was sure she was a decent person I don't think I'd be super bothered. On the other hand, if you're in love with somebody it can be hard to properly judge a person, like the OP of this post.

Jul 19, 2021 - 11:45am

Not simping. All I said was that 20 isn't that much, as long as everything else about her was good, I wouldn't be bothered by 20. The time between each guy would matter but over the course of 5+ years, it's not horrible. If she checks all the boxes and isn't a legit slut, I don't think it should be a deal-breaker.

  • Associate 2 in IB-M&A
Jul 19, 2021 - 11:35am

Come on bro, we know how it's gonna turn out. You're gonna ignore everything here, make yourself believe she changed all cuz she sucks your D on the reg now (oh, and you definitely have the biggest and girthiest one of the dozens she's had in all her holes. She's totally not lying), and you'll wind up 38, divorced, and barely able to see your two kids. You'll then wonder, like an idiot, "how could this happen to ME!?"

  • Analyst 2 in CorpFin
Jul 19, 2021 - 12:44pm

I mean I think it truly depends on how bad her past really was, and if it is going to drive your retroactive thinking crazy or not.

I have a few older friends who are married (late 20s, early 30s), and many have told me their wives were "wild" in high school (probably around 4-10 body count or so, but some had 2-3 boyfriends so idk if that makes it better). They found their to-be wife in college, they settled down and as far as I can tell they live great lives and are happy together (some have kids).

Personally, a woman who has a body count of 5 or so in the span of a year but has cooled off and began to respect herself wouldn't bother me. I'm not sure I could handle the nudes situation, but a woman who learned essentially to respect herself, didn't mess with any other men her unless she was in a serious relationship, I think that can say a lot about her character, maturity and development.

Again, I'm not completely sure of the situation as I don't know the woman, but I think many would actually agree with my points as opposed to being ruthless and jumping to conclusions. 

  • Intern in IB-M&A
Jul 19, 2021 - 1:02pm

OP's next thread is gonna be like "Wife cheated on me and took the D 26 times by other dudes since our marriage, she also divorced and took half my shit, please comfort me". And I'll be there to call him a cuck

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Jul 19, 2021 - 1:13pm

If your best friend dated someone like this, what would you advise them? You would say get out asap.

Your gut is trying to save you from thinking with your little head vs. your big head.

  • Associate 2 in PE - LBOs
Jul 19, 2021 - 2:05pm

Only one way to find out. I'll do you a favour, send me her FB and Venmo details and we'll see

Jul 19, 2021 - 2:19pm

The average nyc lady probably goes on 30 plus dates in a year if she is single. Let's assume a modest conversion ratio and that's 5 body counts. Over ten years that 50. My point is I don't think numbers matter especially when everyone else is going on dates and having a good time. But the nude pics situation is messed up for real. 

  • Investment Analyst in Research - FI
Jul 19, 2021 - 2:43pm

February does not equal "history".

Nothing good will come of it bro. The red flags could not be more clear for you to see.

Jul 19, 2021 - 7:40pm

Wtf

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • Associate 2 in Consulting
Jul 19, 2021 - 4:36pm

Her past is completely irrelevant here.

I'm not saying it's not important in general, but in this situation, it's irrelevant because there's something much more important: she lied to you. She said she'd changed years ago, but you found out she sold nudes recently.

She's already proven she'll lie to you when you two aren't invested (1 month in etc). Do you think she'll improve her honesty when you're one year down the line and she's got more to lose?

Leave. Now.

Jul 19, 2021 - 5:35pm

The fact that Skeet Skeet is concurrently holding Most Helpful, Funniest, and Most Controversial comments tell you all you need to know about this thread - it is fire 🔥 🔥 

Array
Jul 19, 2021 - 5:42pm

path less traveled

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