Depressed and not wanting to go on

I was burntout towards the end of the year and quit; however, I was not suicidal. This is extremely serious, you really need to stop doing this to yourself. Quit this fucking job or take a sabbatical, it is not worth contemplating your life for a job title. Stay safe and seek help homie. That is not a weakness, on the contrary, it demonstrates fortitude.

You're going through a bad patch -- don't seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We get so wrapped up in our jobs, it doesn't define us -- just tell your bosses you need to take some time off, and just relax and reflect on what you really want to do and what's important to you. When you're not at work all the time, you'll realize that it doesn't have to be part of your life. And yes, definitely talk to a therapist. There is no shame in talking to somebody to express yourself and seek solutions, millions of successful people do it every day. 

Your job is not worth your life. Full stop. Look on your employer's HR website - there should be a 24 hour hotline you can call to speak with a therapist/psychiatrist through your insurance. It will get you help ASAP and it's there for things like this. Although this may be difficult, you need to confide in your staffer. I had to do it when I was going through a rough patch but it made me feel 100x better and helped me get back on track workwise. You're not the first person to have these problems and that's what your staffer is there for -- hang in there and we're all rooting for you. 

You said, "I don't want to lose my job", and no matter what you're currently going through, I appreciate that part of you that wants to stay on track. You will be okay.

Here is a formula to help yourself feel better and recover:

1. If you are hypoaroused with apathy, depression, etc. (like when you find it hard to wake up in the morning), you have to build some energy and upregulate. To do that, start with something easy such as yoga or stretching, and then move on to something more active to raise your heart rate such as dancing, or jogging... If you don't want to go out or you don't have time to go out, you can do some pushups/star jumps/stomach crunches at home.

2. Now if you find yourself hyperaroused during the day, ie. extremely stressed or anxious, again engage in some cardiovascular exercise to expend those stress hormones.

3. After you've awakened (#1) or relaxed (#2) your body with some cardiovascular exercise, then sit in a chair, take a couple of deep breaths and focus on neutral stimuli such as the contact points between your body and the chair. Your mind will start wandering, that's okay. Bring it back to those contact points. Feel how you are supported by the chair and the ground without you having to do anything. Feel your body really sinking in the chair. This will start sending signals to your autonomic nervous system that you are safe.

4. You can also shuttle your attention between contact points and physical sensations in your body. Scan your body. Look for tension, tingling sensations, pain, cold or warm areas, any sensations really. 

5. Name your feelings. Be specific. What are you feeling in the moment? Frustrated, fearful, insecure, anxious, angry? Name it and then forgive yourself for feeling whatever you're feeling. Say, "it's okay to feel anger, it's okay to feel fear, it's okay to feel x. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You can sit with me for as long as you wish". Allow yourself to feel ANY feeling. This technique is super effective for allowing yourself to process the feeling and wash it away super fast. This is a bazooka thing really. No kidding. But do it genuinely. You can't fool your unconscious. It's 1000x more clever than your conscious mind! :) Imagine you're talking to a friend. You'd feel compassion for whatever feeling they're experiencing, right? Do the same for yourself.

6. Another powerful technique that can help your brain interrupt the pattern... is the VU exercise: Take an easy full breath and on the exhalation make the sound “vuuuu”. Focus on the vibration in your belly. Vuuuuuuu…. Vibrating down there in the belly. Take another breath and repeat. And then just rest. Notice the sensations, the feelings, the thoughts, the images. This is also a cool trick because there is a feedback loop that goes from your guts back to the brain—and this is how you can send signals of safety to your brain.

7. Btw, I'm glad that you cry yourself to sleep every night. The more you cry, the better. Crying is another great way to discharge negative emotions and that internal pent-up energy.

I hope all this helps. If you want to chat, PM me. I'm sending you my support. Angelos.

Thank you for opening up on this forum. Take a break. Sometimes it's all in our head, I am sure you will be fine even if you lose the job. There are opportunities around the corner. Speak to your parents or a loved one. You will feel better! I personally felt better expressing my feelings with 4-5 people just call and speak. You will feel a big burden lifted from your chest. 

Hey man! I hope you are feeling better.

At one point in my life I was on a similar spot: the only thing that stopped me was the guilt I would feel for making my father go through all the pain of losing a son. All I can say is that if anything is pushing you to that extreme, its time to leave. It sucks to do it, but it sucks even more perennially being in a dark place. From my experience, I stuck around too long and now I regret it immensely. When you cope with those feelings for years it mentally destroys you, and I have yet to feel alive again. It is taking me A LOT to be able to get me back on track, and I really wished I had quit as soon as I started feeling suicidal