Dress Like A Man: The Anti-Douchesuit

Fear The Bulge
Rank: King Kong | banana points 1,828

I have had a lot of interns ask me where I get my clothes. This isn't surprising, since I look great all the time. I tell them, "I don't get all my clothes in one place, idiot." And then I tell them some version of the following:

If you're a male in his early 20s who wants to look good right out of the gate at his first real job, you probably need help, since the vast majority of young men either don't give a fuck or think that dressing the same way they did at fraternity semi-formals is appropriate. From now on, sorry to say, you've got to save that shit for the golf course.

You need a white button-down, and not just any white button down you find at a church bazaar. It needs to fit you. Not like this:

Like this:

Get 10 of these and wear them in a constant rotation. To keep the pits fresh, use baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and salt.

Wear a white v-neck underneath. I recommend Alternative Apparel, but whatever you do, just don't get Hanes. There will come a time when you spill something on your shirt and need to remove it immediately to begin spot treatment. You don't want to be caught in a ratty rag that your grandfather or a homeless person would wear.

There will be those who disagree, and of course they're wrong, but I think a trim fit suit is the best way to go. For people like me who have rippling biceps and jacked thighs, there are tailors, but the overall purpose of the suit's cut will be the same: to look like you belong in this century. You have a phone that fits on the inside of your coat; you don't need Gordon Gekko pants.

I wear this most of the time:

Along that same logic, don't wear a hat. Just don't do it. Internet memes have ruined every type of full brim hat there is. You'll look like a douche. If you're running out of hair, shave your head and grow a beard.

Shoes: one pair black, one pair brown. No weird leathers. Wingtip oxfords and you'll be fine. Resist the temptation to wear a penny loafer. Never wear sandals. If you think I mean just in the office, I don't think you will benefit from this post. Never wear sandals in life.

You socks should be a Polo argyle, with the understanding that people shouldn't notice them. If they do, your pants are too short.

I understand that not everyone is an Adonis who can wear clothes effortlessly. If you're a plumper older man, that can work to your advantage in a way it never could for a broad. Wear a suit that fits you and carry yourself with brash privilege.

If you're a plumper man and you're still in your 20s, however, you can (and should) lose weight easily. Stop drinking beer, join a gym, and suppress all the memories of your childhood that cause you to binge on Kit-Kats in a Xanax-induced somnambulent stupor. That should do it.

Oh, and you aren't a child anymore, so get a Rolex.

Comments (53)

Best Response
Oct 17, 2016

I had no idea you were black.

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Oct 17, 2016

Why do you think you need to "fear" the bulge? BBC confirmed.

    • 3
Oct 17, 2016

that's such a Mr. Porter model

Move like lions do.

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Oct 19, 2016
hawketrackler:

I had no idea you were black.

that's just how he identifies

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Oct 17, 2016

Cuffed pants and no pleats? Something seems off...

Also, your sock game is weak.

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Oct 17, 2016

This seems to be pretty inconsistent with what your normal character would say.

//Signed//
MLang

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Oct 17, 2016

For more casual days (weekends not at the office) I suggest going to Kohls.

I have these $10 V Neck type shirts which are super comfortable and cheap. I have one in each color.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

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Oct 22, 2016

lol I can imagine the people throwing MS at you all insecure like "omg he only spends $10 on shirts......"

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Oct 24, 2016

I prefer comfort, minimalism and style over just throwing money at things personally. A $10 shirt does the same thing as a $100 shirt when I'm walking around downtown at the dog park.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

Oct 17, 2016

Rolex? Clearly not up to date on your watch snobbery.

...

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Oct 17, 2016

agree, i expected better here

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My story | My Linkedin

    • 1
Oct 17, 2016

Rolex's are fine, just you have to ditch the metal bracelet and get yourself a high quality leather strap.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

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Oct 17, 2016

I know it isn't a huge deal at that price point, but if you are someone who lives an a hot area and you sweat or you rest your wrist on the counter, you will blow through straps like nothing. Shit aint cheap.

...

Oct 22, 2016
BreakingRich:

Rolex? Clearly not up to date on your watch snobbery.

Depends on the Rolex

I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing.

See my Blog & AMA

Oct 17, 2016

I bet you bench 95 lbs

I think- therefore I fuck

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Oct 17, 2016

White undershirt? The only place for white undershirts is paired with boxers on meth-addled rednecks. Heather grey is the gold standard of the undershirt world.

P.S. If you never wear sandals then what the hell do you wear when on a tropical vacation?

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Oct 17, 2016

drivers and white linen shirts

Move like lions do.

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Oct 17, 2016

Shoe game weak.

Oct 17, 2016

Most of this can be remedied if you quit buying off the rack. A good tailor will walk you through all of this. I know some of you are on a budget, look at Suit Supply, Indochino, Black Lapel, Thick as Thieves, etc...they are all generally comparable made to measure for around $500-$1000. Step up to a better brand when you get through that first or second year.

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Oct 17, 2016

+PM

Oct 17, 2016

This guy is a poor man's @GSElevator. I'd pick a hublot over rolex.

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Oct 17, 2016

Hublot? Maybe if you want to play ball or rap. Otherwise, get yourself an AP RO, Lange & Sohn Grand, or a PP Perpetual Calendar. Anything else is for proles.

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Oct 18, 2016
BillBelichick37:

I'd pick a hublot over rolex.

lol Hublot, a great way to show off your peonage and the lack of taste that comes with it.

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Oct 18, 2016
BillBelichick37:

This guy is a poor man's @GSElevator. I'd pick a hublot over rolex.

Hahaha you beat me to it. Hublot is such a poseur brand.

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Oct 17, 2016

Well we can put you in the boring person category. Also you need more that 2 pairs of shoes, period. At minimum one per work day.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

Oct 17, 2016

you wear monk straps like that suit photo? what kind of peasant are you

Oct 17, 2016

Not seeing any double cuffs / cufflinks....? Automatically singles you out as a kid in their first polyester suit.

Oct 17, 2016

Congrats...

For the many repeated and unfulfilled death threats I've received on this site, your post just might be successful in causing my demise.

It really makes me want to kill myself.

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Oct 17, 2016

Yep just add cyanide when you take OP's advice on the baking soda, salt, and hydrogen peroxide on your arm pits. Seriously, who does that? I use deodorant because it isn't 1920 anymore.

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Oct 18, 2016

Shoe game seems limited. Only wing-tipped oxfords?

Personally, I think you should avoid wearing brogued shoes to the office (edit: if you work at a bank, fund, or any other place with a more formal/conservative dress code), given that it may be a tad informal in case you have a surprise meeting with heavy-hitters..

Get yourself a pair of:

Cap-toe oxfords in brown and black

Long-wing/Wingtip oxfords, with no broguing, in brown and black:

And of course, a nice pair of double monks, in brown and black. Cap toed-double monks (as in the picture) work very well for the office. Wholecut ones are great too:

Guide to what I mean with toe-styles:
http://104.131.48.255/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/d...
Brown shoes would look great with the outfits the OP posted. Choco brown/Dark Tan double monks or cap toe oxfords would be perfect for that navy suit.

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

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Oct 17, 2016

Brogues are too informal?

Sees OP is in VC, nods in amusement

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

Oct 18, 2016

Eh, used to be cover Equities at a fund with a buttoned down culture. Moved to a VC with a similar dress code.

Also I work in Asia (and not an early stage VC), we're not all soylent-drinking, college-hating, brogue-wearing Bay-Area dwellers.

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

Oct 18, 2016

Full-brogues can be iffy, especially wing-tips. Semi-brogues are fine.

Acceptable:

Not acceptable:

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw

Oct 18, 2016

Agree with this one. I would say half-brogues with a cap toe may be a safe bet for the office

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

Oct 21, 2016

Are these not basically identical? Only difference I see is the one line of holes at the bottom of the laces, besides the color shade of the shoe.. Obviously the top ones look better

Oct 18, 2016
DeepValue:

Dafuq are those pilgrim shoes you posted? Everything above that is solid...

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Oct 18, 2016

http://www.spigola.jp/#/bespoke
I see people on this board aren't into Double Monks

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

Oct 18, 2016
DeepValue:

jp/#/bespoke" rel="nofollow">[embed]http://www.spigola.jp/#/bespoke

I see people on this board aren't into Double Monks

Not sure about what's kosher in Asia, but double monks in the US means you are trying too hard.

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Oct 19, 2016

If you think that, you don't know shit and need to try harder.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays

Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne

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Oct 21, 2016

Ok, pilgrim

Oct 21, 2016

May be the case. In Asia, a lot of people wear black suits, and I meet with guys from different countries around the region all the time.

"Be the Disruptor, not the Disrupted" - Clayton Christensen

Oct 18, 2016

Koji Suzuki makes amazing shoes but most bankers get Allen Edmonds or Alden shoes and limit themselves to the most conservative styles. I wish people at my office stepped up their shoe game...

Oct 19, 2016

bro go back to woodford and creatine + shake weight benders with tinder streetwalkers, no serious posts.

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Oct 21, 2016

That's not a button-down. It's called a ... Shirt.

Oct 21, 2016

Sock Game: Weak
Suit Game: Average
Shoe Game: Average
Watch Game: Weak
Tie Game: Unknown

This is a good general guide on how to not look retarded and just go about your day being ordinary.

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Oct 22, 2016

You should make a thread on business fashion, would love to read it (not being sarcastic).

Oct 24, 2016

haha thanks. I'll keep that in mind - maybe I start a thread one of these days.

Oct 21, 2016

delete - double post

Oct 21, 2016

Rolex is definitely a safe choice if you're willing to plunk down / invest in a watch you can wear and keep forever. But please... no two tone watches. Eww.

Oct 22, 2016

Omg shut up all of you

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Oct 22, 2016

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