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Am having similar discussions with a significant other. The ultimatum seems like a reach for power/control in the relationship. Some part of me, based solely on the info you mentioned, makes me think that it is partly coming from you getting the job you wanted whereas his was rescinded. I would let things cool off and try to have a discussion. If he’s not budging on the ultimatum, I would focus on the career imo. You know this as well as anyone but long distance blows and in all likelihood if you took the job without him coming the relationship would likely end regardless

 

I understand how he feels betrayed by my not telling him from the start. When he first considered relocating, I begged him to consider local opportunities, which he hasn’t had much luck with. Now that I’m the one relocating, he’s more demanding about me searching locally and insists I’m not trying hard enough. Ideally, I’d like both work, but it just seems he’s not as supportive of me as I was with him. I appreciate the input - Hope it works out for you.

 

I would leave him to be honest. Is he going to give ultimatums every time you have opposing views?

You’re relationship is already in trouble so even if you reject the job opportunity and stay with him you’ll have a bit of resentment towards him for making you choose.

Cut your losses and go, life is too short to be living on someone else’s terms, especially when they wouldn’t do the same for you.

disclaimer I’m a guy, so this could be terrible advice.

 

I'm a woman; it's good advice.

OP, you did well to take the interview, prep, and accept the job (which I think you've already done?). You could have mentioned where it was earlier, but it's never set in stone until you get the written offer and you two were already having issues. I think we all know the foundation for this relationship wasn't as strong as it could be.

Good luck in the job and whatever you two end up doing for the relationship. Just don't stay with someone because it's familiar, safe, or because you've already invested time with them. Those aren't good enough reasons.

 

My two cents is that you should prioritize your career.

From the tone of your post, it is clear that is how you are leaning and are just looking for reaffirmation here.

He initially agreed to do it for 2-3 years so there is no reason to back out other than out of resentment/selfishness. Relationships are supposed to be accretive to your personal/professional life. Please don’t let it get on the way of your success.

On a personal note, my mom was in a similar spot many years ago and chose the relationship. It ended up working out (hence my existence) but she’s always had that “what if?” question, since she gave up on some professional aspirations in the process.

 

Agree with the general sentiment above that it's probably best to choose your career. 10 days ago my SO and I broke up for similar issues and while it sucks right now I'm starting to focus on the benefits that I'll appreciate in the future. 1) You can relocate without feeling tied down to another city or having to re-recruit. While your goal may be to leave in 2-3 years a lot can change during that time and having the optionality is important. 2) I know it sounds cliche but odds are you will find someone new who you genuinely enjoy being around, and who won't be the type to offer toxic ultimatums that impact your career and life. 

Life is long and works in mysterious ways. I say take the job and see how everything else plays out. 

 

Leave him - start fresh in the city you like - crush it at the job. Have fun - you’re free.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee
 

I’m not sure I understand what his issue is (jealousy?)... he has no job tying him to current geography, and it’s a city you both were open to. He was obviously willing to relocate for career prospects, so it’s not like his current location is set in stone
 

Ultimatums are an incredibly unhealthy way to handle disagreements. If he’s willing to leave over this, you should let him go. Clearly you were more committed to the relationship than he was

 

Listen to Future "Chase a check, never chase a bitch(dick)". In all seriousness I understand his POV, dude wants a relationship and doesn't wanna do LDR and he doesn't really see how important this job is for your career. Honestly, if he's the one he'll support your move or at the very least and try to make LDR work. You guys aren't married so I don't really think it makes sense for you to give up such a big opportunity.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
 

Just to offer a different perspective.

You mentioned you were initially upset with him when he was considering relocating for his job, and in a later reply you mentioned that you "begged him to consider local opportunities".  Without having any intimate knowledge of the situation, it sounds like you were keen on him staying put.  Then, shortly thereafter, you begin interviewing for a job in another location and don't tell him until relatively late in the process.  Respectfully, it appears to me that you put your boyfriend in an emotionally tough spot when he thought he had a job lined up, and now he's putting you in a similar spot.  I think when you add to the fact that it sounds like he was very open throughout his process, but you weren't so much with yours (at least not initially), is it crazy to assume hes upset about the situation, even to the point where he feels like he's being manipulated/lied to?  I agree the ultimatum is not a solution, and not defending that at all - IMO, he's completely wrong for putting that forward.  However, despite what most of us like to put forward, guys are emotional and I know I'd feel hurt/upset/angry if my SO asked me to make the same sacrifice she just was upset with me for considering, especially if there was a time she was hiding it from me.

I can appreciate the people above who are echoing the sentiment of career over SO and that its not good for one partner to try and control the other - I fully agree with both.  Again, respectfully though, your situation isn't as cut and dry.  It sounds to me like your boyfriend is hurt by the situation and is reacting as he is because he feels as though hes been kept in the dark and now you're going to get your way after he didn't get his (I fully understand that you had no part in his offer being rescinded, but I'd imagine hes experiencing a ton of emotions right now, that definitely being one of them). 

If you guys love each other and want to make this work, you can find a way beyond whats already been put forward.  I'd imagine it starts with you both being honest about your feelings and where you were wrong and ends with how you'll make this work, if thats something you still both want.

Regardless, wish you both the best and hope it works out.  At the end of the day, I'm in university, so wtf do I know anyways.

EDIT: Added second last paragraph.

 

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