Fiancé broke up - I can’t focus

My fiancé just broke up with me. I'm in a terrible spot right now. I can't think. I feel like trash. I feel like nothing makes sense. I don't know what to do. I just feel so terrible. I don't know what happened.

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Comments (83)

Nov 4, 2020 - 4:59pm

I'm sorry, man. 2020 is a shit year. 

Reach out to your friends, family, etc. Don't try to ride this out alone. 

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Nov 4, 2020 - 5:08pm

I'm going to be honest - I had no idea that was the case. 

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Nov 6, 2020 - 6:14pm

I challenge anyone who threw monkey shit at me to explain to me how resorting to total alcoholism is NOT the correct course of action

Nov 8, 2020 - 5:32pm

I put myself into rehab this summer due to prescription medication dependency and I can assure you that alcoholism is no laughing matter. Most people in rehab are there for alcohol and some of those people are on deaths door. Those coming off alcohol had the worst withdrawal of anyone - worse than me coming off benzos and others off crack etc.  

I know you're joking but alcohol is never the answer 

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Nov 4, 2020 - 5:21pm

I don't know how long you were dating her, but in my personal experience getting w other girls has been great for giving me some perspective and helping me stop thinking "this girl is the only girl I can ever like"

Also, bluntly, if you built those memories and emotional connection w one girl, then there's no reason you can't do it again with another girl. As special as you might think she is, there's tons of girls as good or better out there. They just don't feel as good to you because you have so much emotions with this girl but not with them, but that's just a temporary situation, not a permanent reality

  • VP in IB - Cov
Nov 5, 2020 - 4:29pm

This is great advice in theory but terrible in execution and is how you end up waking up 2 years down the road next to someone who you can't even stand.
 

Take some time for yourself because your subconscious will not allow you to date casually when you just lost someone and need to fill that void ASAP. You could end up latching onto someone who fucking sucks and wasting years of your life when you could've worked through your shit for 6 months and hopped back in with a healthy mindset 

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Nov 5, 2020 - 6:04pm

Valid point. That's not something I've had an issue with, but that's probably true if you've been so serious with someone, presumably for years, to the point that you're engaged. I've never been in that deep, but maybe in this situation 6 months alone is a good call

Nov 4, 2020 - 5:33pm

i met my wife when i was 38....and the years prior when i was dating and fucking like a madman were some of the best years of my life.

start dating and fucking models, kindergarten teachers, nurses, cocktail waitresses, accountants, software developers, etc...there are so many fucking hot women out there who are fun, funny, sweet and sexy...and they are WAITING for you to flirt and fuck their brains out.

seriously, its gonna take a long time to have all the sex coming your way...i'm envious you lucky bastard

just google it...you're welcome
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  • Intern in RE - Comm
Nov 4, 2020 - 5:36pm

Also you're a boomer at this point aren't you? Not that it matters, but not too many old guys on here.

Nov 4, 2020 - 8:38pm

how is this even relevant / why does a 38 year old want to tell a bunch of anonymous college kids on the internet about how much sex he had

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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Nov 4, 2020 - 6:34pm

Deep breaths! Talk it out with friends and try to maintain some focus at work eg not because work is more important but because otherwise you'll remain trapped in this spiral of distress/panic attacks. 

Yourr friends will help you process it. 

At the end of the day, it was not meant to be. If you did sth wrong or haven't changed, well then... All the best! 

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Nov 4, 2020 - 6:46pm

Go marry her/his best friend. That's what I did. 

I did do this but it was a little different. Her best friend and I became close. When the engagement fell through her friend saw the good and the bad of me, and she thought the good was better than the bad. We already knew what we were getting into.

The point is it didn't work and that's fine. What you need to do now is go make friends. Life isnt over. When it happened to me I thought people would judge me but in reality people understood as I owned up to it. Its better to call it off than get a divorce. Its hard it sucks and it messes with your brain. First go tell people - Tell your boss and take a day or two. Go be with family. Once you have had a few days then go make friends! you need to just enjoy life. It took me 6 months but working and making friends are key. Good luck!

  • Intern in RE - Comm
Nov 4, 2020 - 7:01pm

Really? Could you share the story if you don't mind?

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Nov 4, 2020 - 7:08pm

I feel you it sucks. For me she was with another guy. It hit hard I found out from a friend of a friend.

But dude no one cares. I told everyone I was going to marry her I loved her blah blah. Then it came out and I was afraid of going out then I was like "wait no one actually gives a shit".. I do think changing up things so you dont see each other is good but really live your life as normal as possible. You'll get a new job move and no one will know it all depends on how you act and what you say. Pro tip: NEVER EVER EVER BAD MOUTH HER/HIM. Just gotta be real say "Yeah this happened, it hit but I understand she/he had XYC(different goals, different lifestyle what ever it was)"

Nov 5, 2020 - 5:36am

As they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Do you realize how much dick she's getting right now? Literally some dude is on top of her pumping, and she's screaming and she's loving it. The dude is probably hung like a horse and ripped, he's better than you will ever be.

Now get your head around that. 

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm just giving you some tough love, and its just the reality. The sooner you get over her the better. Keep in mid also that women move on a lot faster from relationships. 

Nov 5, 2020 - 10:19am

Honestly, I second MrJack5. I think I had my first real "heart break" my first years of college, and once I started dating a bunch of other girls, I realized she wasn't special. You'll realize most girls are kind of just copies of each other. Start dating around man. Have fun. The probability that she was your soulmate is incredibly slim next to none, so get the fuck out there and explore. The worst thing to do is hang your head around thinking she was "the one" while she's getting her toes curled by different guys every night; and that's not be funny either. This is probably the reality. Girls have the optionality, and there are 10 guys for every one girl lurking like vultures (coworkers, friends etc) even if she's a solid 4 / 10. Become your best self, and talk to girls every little bullshit opportunity you get.

  • Associate 1 in IB - Cov
Nov 6, 2020 - 4:35pm

Given COVID tho do you think girls are going around having that much sex? I recently got dumped as well as that potentially happening is killing me

Nov 5, 2020 - 10:28am

Of the 6 billion human beings alive today...what are he odds you found the "perfect one" for you?

pretty fucking slim

just google it...you're welcome
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Nov 5, 2020 - 11:25am

Largely skimmed the advice above. I can't help you with your emotions - that's what irl friends are for - but I can help with a few tactical pieces of advice:

1) Reach out 3 close friends and 3 close family members (numbers are arbitrary, just something to shoot for). You might not want to talk to anyone right now, but you will appreciate them being by your side even if it's silent companionship. This also gives them the opportunity to support you in ways you don't know you need right now. Call one right now, don't wait. You're reaching out to an internet forum in part because you want companionship and support. Go call people who know you by name, right now.

2) Routine is your friend and your safety net. Imagine this event is like removing one leg from a chair, do not let it remove all the legs or you fall on your face. I know you're thinking "It feels like I've already fallen on my face" and I'm telling you this is one leg, albeit a big one. Systematize what time you wake up, eat, shower, cook meals, hang out with people. This structure is beyond important for your mental and physical stability. 

3) You can't think. Your feelings are tangled. No shame in that, I get it. In line with #2, you need to make sure you keep your chair legs stable. Go see a doctor, tell them you're having difficulties focusing on work, life is stressful. Ask for adderall or an equivalent. They will give it to you 100%. I don't want you to lose your livelihood right now. That's an important chair leg I won't get into. 

4) I might get shit for #3 so I'll shed some light. I dislike stigma. When folks are depressed, the medical goal of an antidepressant is to 1) slow down the bad things, 2) start producing good things (allow people an opportunity to build chair legs and create structure in their life).
There is no shame in antidepressants, or any medication for that matter. They're just tools used for specific projects or goals, similar to a hammer or a wrench - use when needed.

5) This video always makes me smile. Good luck, friend:  https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/dtobrx/just_wanna_be_this_happy_f… 

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If they have a system error, and you do not video record your trading (they actually said this), they will not honour their fuck up. Switching everything away from them. Fuck this company.

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Nov 12, 2020 - 6:37am

This is great advice. 

Background– a man I was... am, in love with disappeared from my life.  Didn't help I am bipolar and already had life experiences which left me with PTSD.  

Re point 1) my friends were there to listen while I cried for hours.  without them I dont know what I would have done.  Im not very lucky with the family department but as they say, friends are the family we choose.   At times I would worry about feeling like a burden on my friends so I would go on anonymous chat sites and chat with strangers.  It filled a void but they werent my friends that loved me and could physically hold me. 

Re point 2) totally.  gives structure and sense of control.  I would add pick up a physical activity and do it every single day.  I have always been a runner and love running so I... ran.  gives you an outlet to let out stress and also releases dopamine and keeps you in shape so win win. 

Re point 3 and 4) agreed.  I was seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for two years.  was put on antidepressants (which worked for concentration too) as well as a mood stabiliser (since im bipolar ii).  at one point I was like this is BS I dont want to be on meds so I stopped.  Bad idea.  I was finishing my master's at the time and had a ton of assignments and tests which I either a. didn't do b. performed very badly on because my mind and brain werent functioning properly.  see a doctor.  be kind to yourself. 

I would add one thing.  Find a sense of purpose or goal and work towards that.  It will keep you focused.  the journey is hard, I know, but you'll get there.  keep at it and sending you all my best wishes.

Nov 5, 2020 - 11:39am

had this happen to 2 close friends, shit sucks. find someone who will listen, buy takeout and a bottle of wine for both of you and just spend some time with them. ideally at their place so there's no physical evidence of "her" around. the cliche time heals is true, but right now what you're feeling is akin to a close family member dying, and it won't go away quickly. the usual advice of distracting yourself with positive things like meditation, exercise, travel, and so on helps, but unless you have a sounding board, what's going on in your head will build up like plaque in your arteries and eventually kill you (maybe not literally, but emotionally), so tackle it head on. if you don't have a sounding board, hire a therapist. there are things you need to get off your chest that online interaction won't solve, you need someone to listen.

and as for those friends? one is whoring himself out around the mediterranean right now, and the other found a hotter, higher earning, and WAY better second fiancee, been happily married a couple of years now. you can rebuild yourself, it will take time, but if you focus on it instead of running from it, you will succeed.

all the best

PS - in keeping with my burner account ethos, psychedelics could be good once you've talked to a therapist, the last thing you want is a 12 hour LSD trip where all you can think about is her. maybe book a trip to colorado with some friends and get some FUNK

just trying to live like Hunter S Thompson

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Nov 9, 2020 - 8:27pm

i went through a situation like OP, did shrooms with a group of people and it was too much. Thought about my ex the whole time and it was a fucking crazy trip, led to an ego death but I wouldn't have it any other way actually. Maybe psychedelics could help me, but it just depends on them right?

Nov 5, 2020 - 2:03pm

I would consider seeing a therapist to help you create a roadmap to recovery from this stage in your life. They will help you discuss aspects of your relationship and what unfolded in the process for you as well.

You'll be a strong person, keep your head up and move forward, friend.

Nov 5, 2020 - 2:34pm

Gf of four years broke up with me while an IB analyst. Felt like I was gonna die and could hardly work.

Dating other girls and having fun helped a lot. Lean on your friends and fam to stay busy during town time. After a few rebounds, that same year, I ended up meeting someone that totally knocked my socks off, was better looking, and made me a better person. Fast forward some years and I'm happily married.

Keep the faith and give yourself time to heal.

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Nov 5, 2020 - 3:33pm

My friend, I'm so sorry to hear about this.

I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" line and I'm guessing that you probably don't or at least can't right now too. That being said, if she's the type to do this without giving you a good reason, it's probably for the best that it happened before you guys got married.

There are now so many more paths open to you but I know that you probably can't see it yet.

Nov 5, 2020 - 3:37pm

Name on the Front

I don't believe that "everything happens for a reason" line

this is true as fuck. sometimes, the world just kicks you in the dick. HOWEVER, I do not believe there is just one special someone for everyone, I believe that if you have your act together and are consistently improving upon yourself and have something to offer, you will find someone who is a match. 

just trying to live like Hunter S Thompson

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Nov 5, 2020 - 7:16pm

I'm sorry to hear that man. I can't imagine what you're going through. One thing I would recommend is start a new habit of meditation. It can really help with the mental aspect of getting through everything and help you tune into your emotions, good or bad, and appreciate them for why they are there. Emotions have a purpose and feeling into that deeply can really change your outlook on things.

Nov 5, 2020 - 10:40pm

Be a good friend to yourself and allow yourself to feel shitty, don't constantly fight it because it is going to make it worse. Fact of the matter is that this happens to nearly everyone and depending on how old you are it will probably happen again. The good thing: everyone moves on and you will too.

This is the low, things will get better from here. Don't freak if you're not banging a new girl every night right now. You would have needed to have that lined up in advance and you don't seem like that kind of guy (which is a good thing). Eventually you will hit your stride and be in a much better place in life. You will understand yourself more, feel more comfortable being alone, having different chicks to bang. All will be well, I promise. 

  • Intern in VC
Nov 6, 2020 - 1:14am

Try to do as many healthy dopamine-releasing activities as possible, to the extent possible: exercise, soak in lots of sunlight, spend some time in nature, etc. And just wait it out - know that time heals all wounds. If you don't mind sharing, what was her rationale?

Nov 6, 2020 - 6:52am

Wasn't my fiancé so it's clearly not comparable but she was the longest relationship I had been in. She decided she wasn't into me anymore while I thought she was the best match I had found up to that point. I was still in university, my finals were 3 months away and I couldn't focus AT ALL. Some days were better, some days were worse. One thing I would always do was working out, that REALLY kept me sane. I did what I could and even though I wasn't really ok and some days I just couldn't study sh*t and basically spent all day on youtube. I did well on the finals, but was still really struggling mentally, I just woke up feeling like doing nothing and as nothing made me happy. When the summer started I decided I was fed up feeling like this and it's when things really improved and I stopped thinking about her:

  • Bought a new motorcycle (if there's any biker here it's a 2009 green ninja 600) and started riding it on the track 
  • Randomly offered girls a ride on my bike and had some fun with a few of them
  • Went out with my friends every day and tried to organize as many activities as I could (went on vacation together, went hiking, etc)
  • Talked to and met as many new people as possible: made a lot of new friends and actually one of them introduced me to a new girl which I ended up liking more than the previous one

For me what made the difference was getting out of my house and doing as many new things as possible, as it somehow allowed me to break those negative repetitive thinking patterns (If everyday you do the same things, I think it's hard for your mind to get a new perspective). Like, seriously I made more progress in one month of going out/doing stuff than I had in the previous 5 months. So overall my advice would be: if you can get a couple days off from work and just go out and do stuff/travel/meet people. 

Nov 6, 2020 - 10:31am

Sorry to hear that bro, but you got this. Like a lot of other people said, reach out to your close friends and fam, that's exactly what they're there for. If you're into religion try that too. Also, keeping a journal got me through some pretty tough times, and when I go back and look at that stuff it's a good reminder that if I could get through those moments, I can get through a lot more.

Power through it, you're tough and you will get through it and come out of it better.

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Nov 6, 2020 - 2:01pm

It's going to be tough and harsh. Same situation happened with me. You have to practice no-contact.
It's harsh because it will mess with her psychy and she will realize what she left. Not guarantee, but you have to try. Good luck :)

Nov 9, 2020 - 10:22am

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