Five Thoughts on Wall Street Bathroom Breaks

When you work 80-hour weeks regularly and the staples of your diet are $25 Seamlessweb pasta dishes and burger combos, inevitably, nature is going to call – on your office line. For the majority of analysts on Wall Street, working at an investment bank is your first time in a professional office environment.

To the uninitiated, the bathrooms at investment banks might be imagined as marble palaces, freshly stocked with the finest supplies for bankers' quiet time atop gold-plated commodes. To those in the know – well, you know it's not so. Five observations regarding your favorite place to catch up on Words with Friends while at the office:

1. Middle Urinal Guy

In most parts of the civilized world, we are taught at a young age to 1) not have sex with your relatives, and 2) not use the middle urinal if the side urinals are available. However, there are some who choose to brashly ignore this hallowed rule and will post up in urinal #2 of a three-rack, effectively rendering the entire row unusable to those of us with any sort of moral compass. Chances are, you've run into Middle Urinal Guy before, and have had no choice but to head for the stalls. At which point, you have to face…

2. The Presence of Unexpected Presents

Human beings' capacity for destruction never ceases to amaze me. This is true for the toilets as well. With a floor full of overworked, overfed folks running on 9 cups of Starbucks a day, a little acute IBS is understandable. But all too often, you open a stall door, ready for some quiet iPhone time, and you're greeted with a grisly scene. Like a puked-in sink at a frat party… except it isn't puke.

3. Mister Chatty

Middle Urinal Guy is doing his thing and the stalls are full of either depressed 1st year analysts taking catnaps or MDs banging out emails on Blackberry. You sidle up next to a fellow banker at the urinal rack, you give the customary grunt-slash-nod, unzip, and do what any normal human being does – stare at the wall. At least 90% of people understand and follow the code – even clueless Middle Urinal Guy. However, there is a subset of the population that was taught neither to avoid the middle urinal nor to stare at the wall as if it were the latest Swimsuit Issue. Mister Chatty turns his head, and decides now is the time to strike up a conversation.

So! How is everything going with you lately? What are you working on?

Awkward. Why would you do this?? We're here with our dongs out, peeing an unhealthy shade of coffee-stained yellow, and you want to talk shop? Good god.

You force a wry grin and mumble some incoherent response, trying to hurry up and get out of there to end this godforsaken conversation. Which leads to…

4. The Splashback

You're in a damn hurry and you're not focused on aim (because someone, for some insane reason, is unnecessarily trying to make smalltalk) – and you hit the wrong part of the concave porcelain. Ruh roh. Your fresh-pressed grey slacks are now polka dotted on the thighs. You've just been victimized by the splashback. Aside from the fact that for the next 10 hours or so, you'll have to walk around knowing you basically pissed yourself and didn't change clothes, you now have to deal with the possibility of everyone else knowing it too. The only possible solution is to dab down a bit with paper towels, and either 1) cover up with a well-placed folder in hand, or 2) go for broke and make it look like a sink splash issue. Zip up and hit the sinks.

5. Look Ma, No Hands

The sinks. Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni, so there is water all over the counter. Paper towels litter the floor. Despite the fact that it (like the rest of the bathroom) looks like it belongs behind a gas station, the sinks are probably the most civilized part of the whole bathroom. This is the one place where it's acceptable to have a quick chat, where you can tie up your tie after showing up at 11 am, where you come to clean your hands. Or so one would think.

In the age of free running water and abundant antibacterial handsoap, you would think everyone takes five seconds to wash their hands of the billions of germs collected from filthy keyboards, door handles, and, oh yeah – peeing and/or pooping. But no – there's always someone to shatter the peace, someone who zips up and zooms out of the bathroom, brusquely waving hello before quickly exiting, with nary a drop of water or soap to cleanse the hands. Yuck. Think about that the next time you enter a crowded post-lunch meeting and begin gladhanding everyone.



In my experience, when it comes to using the bathroom, investment bankers truly are monkeys. Have you seen any of the above bizarre bathroom habits during your time on Wall Street? Are you reading this from the john right now?


Aaron Burr is a retired investment banking analyst and currently works as an associate at a private equity fund. He practices good bathroom etiquette – let him know if you do as well in comments section or at [email protected]gmail.com

Mod Note (Andy): Throw Back Thursday, Originally posted on August, 2012

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Comments (241)

Aug 15, 2012 - 7:02pm
HarvardOrBust:
One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

ha i bet that happens more than we'd like to know

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Aug 14, 2014 - 11:10am

HarvardOrBust:

One time heard my MD talking on a conference call while he was taking a shit. That was awkward.

One of our Managing Partners comes into the bathroom all the time on the phone while he takes a shit, pretty funny. Also never washes his hands....

One guy was playing music loudly while taking a shit and I in the other stall asked him if he was taking requests, so I asked him to play some lil John. He gladly obliged.

Also, the most face time I've gotten with the CEO and also the president is when I'm peeing in a urinal, every time they come up next to me and start talking shop when I start to pee I don't quite understand but I'm not piss shy so it doesn't really bother me, its just kind of weird.

Seriously though, please wash your hands. When people get sick at the office they tend to come in anyways, and its not like I'm going to take some time off if I get sick, being so I try to avoid it.

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Nov 2, 2017 - 10:51pm

lol i did just this last week for an internal call.

I needed to take a dump badly and left work early that day for a doctors appointment - I rode my bicycle in that day.

I had a 4:30pm call and was cycling back home.. 4:29 and I get the call while 10 mins away from my house.

I ask the partner to call back in 10 mins as I'm still commuting.

I get back and head straight to the outhouse - my house mate was also back home so I didn't want her hearing a private work chat while taking a dump.

I unleash the demon, the partner calls and i'm sitting there...

After 20 mins of shit sweats and alternating between mute and open-line on my phone I tell her "there's someone at my door", giving me time to wipe.

Aug 15, 2012 - 6:53pm
Aaron Burr:
4. The Splashback

hate that.. love it when bars/restaurants put ice in the urinal for a soft landing. more places should do this

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Aug 15, 2012 - 7:00pm

Love this post... perfect explanation of bathroom life. I, however, fall under the camp that rarely, if ever, washes their hands after a routine #1. I take pride in my belief that my manhood is the cleanest part of my body, and after doing my thing at the urinal, if I was going to wash anything it would probably be my junk, given how dirty my hands usually are! Of course, a scrub-down is mandatory after a tough battle in the stalls, and I always wash my hands if other people are in the bathroom for fear of being seen as disgusting, but if it's just me in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss, I'll walk right past the sink without a care in the world.

P.S. I'd love a follow up detailing the awkward encounters with your PM in the bathroom.

I hate victims who respect their executioners
  • 2
Aug 15, 2012 - 9:20pm
BlackHat:
Love this post... perfect explanation of bathroom life. I, however, fall under the camp that rarely, if ever, washes their hands after a routine #1. I take pride in my belief that my manhood is the cleanest part of my body, and after doing my thing at the urinal, if I was going to wash anything it would probably be my junk, given how dirty my hands usually are! Of course, a scrub-down is mandatory after a tough battle in the stalls, and I always wash my hands if other people are in the bathroom for fear of being seen as disgusting, but if it's just me in the bathroom and I'm taking a piss, I'll walk right past the sink without a care in the world.

P.S. I'd love a follow up detailing the awkward encounters with your PM in the bathroom.

Same. I'm so used to it at home though that I totally forget to wash even if people are around; my woman always ends up yelling at me.

"If it's so dirty, then why do you suck on it?"

EDIT: Worst thing about public restrooms - when you HAVE to touch the door handle to leave.

Nov 6, 2014 - 1:22pm

I completely agree, i don't see the reason why people get grossed out over not washing your hands after taking a piss, if you have to then your package is obviously dirty, which is just disgusting. If my junk is clean then why should my hands be any different? Just my opinion.

VPA
Aug 20, 2014 - 2:02am

General Disarray:

middle urinal guy is so fucking annoying. I'm about 100% sure that they do it on purpose too.

Absolutely, it's a major power move. You get to watch some person subordinate themselves by choosing which side is less offensive and furthest from the offender. The best are the guys that pansy out and just go to the stall...probably cases of small penises.

  • 1
Aug 15, 2012 - 7:09pm

Splash back dominates me at least once a day when I wear grey, ridiculous. You forgot about the piss next to you guy. You correctly go to your proper corner stall and someone else comes in and parks it right in the middle with the other stall wide open. I'll never understand why this happens.

The answer to your question is 1) network 2) get involved 3) beef up your resume 4) repeat -happypantsmcgee

WSO is not your personal search function.

Aug 15, 2012 - 7:16pm

I drink like 5 cups of tea ( I didn't say coffee) a day, and whenever I go even a little overboard on lunch, I head straight to the bathroom to crap it all out.

Aug 15, 2012 - 8:37pm
Going Concern:
really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite
Aaron Burr:
Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni

i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced

I think the OP meant just to clean it (the regular way), not lick it up.. I could be wrong though..

Aug 15, 2012 - 9:17pm
Koho:
Going Concern:
really solid post, and not just sayin that to be polite
Aaron Burr:
Nobody ever bothers to Zamboni

i'll be honest, i didnt know what that meant, so naturally i urban dictionary'ed it...naaaassssty...tho given the fraternity-like culture that is customary of the IBD, im a lil surprised that is not enforced

I think the OP meant just to clean it (the regular way), not lick it up.. I could be wrong though..

Pretty sure he's referring to the Zamboni machines used in hockey that drive over the ice and clean/resurfaces the ice. If he's licking up the water around the sink then making sure his and other's hands are clean should be the least of his worries lol.

Aug 16, 2012 - 3:07pm
Ron Paul:
Brouhaha:
I saw a new one today, guy just chilling, taking a dump in the stall with the door half open. Totally oblivious.

or was he just TFTC?

TFM brah, TFM.

-RR
Aug 15, 2012 - 8:17pm
AndyLouis:
and in case this post (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/so-you-want-to-work-in-ib-in-china) had you thinking about working in china..

and I heard people defend this style saying "it's more sanitary" and my rebuttal was "well not if it gets on your shoes!!!"

lol I've seen those in other countries as well. They are called squat toilets and are a lot easier to clean, apparently.

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

Aug 15, 2012 - 8:28pm
Beretta:

But I've always wondered how much it would suck if you lose your balance and fall in...

i lived in china for almost a year and had to use these more than i'd like to remember, though I did have a pretty solid method which worked pretty well. zero falls, increased quad strength and balance, and a major appreciation for the work of Thomas Crapper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper)

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  • 1
Aug 16, 2012 - 1:17pm
AndyLouis:
and in case this post (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/so-you-want-to-work-in-ib-in-china) had you thinking about working in china..

and I heard people defend this style saying "it's more sanitary" and my rebuttal was "well not if it gets on your shoes!!!"

Reminded me of this:

"I thought this is where they made the iPod" - Karl Pilkington

Aug 15, 2012 - 8:11pm

I am so careful with gray pants. I make sure to even bend forward and stand back with extra exagerration when washing hands so that the sink splashback doesent get on them. Because even with sink drops, people will think that you have urinated on yourself, especially chicks who do not understand the functional dynamics of the urinal.

Aug 17, 2012 - 9:26am

If you splash yourself at urinal or sink, wash your hands and then fleck a few extra drops in a non-groin area so it looks like you spilled a drink on yourself or some other type of accident. It's still embarassing but no one thinks you're retarded/gross.

Get busy living
Aug 15, 2012 - 8:14pm

First of all, I LOVE THIS ARTICLE! So funny, yet true!!!
I hate it when when you're going for a shit, but there's a little "surprise" waiting. YUCKKKKKKK!!!

And yes, some of the guys just wash their hands for like 2 secs and walk out, others don't even bother. I of course, DO WASH MY HANDS.

No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me. - Don Draper
Aug 15, 2012 - 8:27pm

The respectfulness of others when you're puking in the urinal or stall next to them is fantastic. Those waterless urinals at BAML are awful.

WSO Vice President, Data@JustinDDuBois
Aug 15, 2012 - 8:39pm

Corporate bathrooms have me terrified of old age. Pissing next to an older guy about to retire and he starts the stream, stops, start stop start stop. Grunting and shit. I always make a point to push my piss stream as hard and fast as possible so as to remind the old fuck, who more likely than not gave me shit for something I did at one point or another, that he may run the office but at least I can run my own dick.

Cheers!

Aug 15, 2012 - 8:54pm

you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

Aug 15, 2012 - 9:36pm
Bondarb:
you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

+1 sb

Also, the whole idea of washing your hands in a corporate bathroom is more of a respect thing than anything else. It has no practical value; it is more of an exercise in futility.

If you do not have an automatic bathroom your exercise looks something like this:

You take a leak, hold your guy with your dirty hands, manually flush by pulling a lever that other guys pulled after pulling on their junk, go to the sink and turn on the faucet touching everyone's junk germs, press on the soap dispenser lever to get dick soap to wash the dick off your hands and then hit the same fucking faucet that you just touched with your dick hands to turn the water off as you proceed to use your hands to open the bathroom door to leave. Not everyone washes their hands to begin with so you are at least coming into contact with (depending on the size of your floor that the bathroom is on) +8 bonus dicks when you touch the door to leave.

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

But the thing that really grinds my gears are guys who let their dick trickle hit the floor. As the day progresses it begins to pool and you have to stand farther and farther away from the urinal so as to not lace your ferragamos with piss. You have to be a fucking seal team six sniper if you want to reach the stall if you're taking a piss at night before you leave the office.

Aug 15, 2012 - 10:19pm
Cookies With Milken:
Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

see what you gotta do is after you've done your routine, wait a min or two for someone else to enter, and in that split second when the door swings open and you have a clear view of the exit, you sidestep the monkey strollin in and dash out...DOORKNOB AVERTED

...otherwise you can just sop up some hand sanitizer when you're on 'the outside'

Aug 19, 2012 - 5:04pm
Cookies With Milken][quote=Bondarb:
you guys missed the worst bathroom situation possible...maybe its because you dont drink enuff. The worst thing is if you have been out all night boozing and you have to puke, but you dont want to go into the regular bathroom because you could run into your boss or other people you know. Let's face it nobody wants their boss to see them on all fours heaving at work. My move is usually to go down to another floor, particularly one where the people dont get in until 9am or later (since this is usually an early morning problem)..however I once puked in a recycling bin in the stairwell because I couldnt quite make it. Anyway the sheer panic of realizing you are about to boot and are a long way from anyplace it is safe is way worse then splashback or the middle stall guy.

+1 sb

Also, the whole idea of washing your hands in a corporate bathroom is more of a respect thing than anything else. It has no practical value; it is more of an exercise in futility.

If you do not have an automatic bathroom your exercise looks something like this:

You take a leak, hold your guy with your dirty hands, manually flush by pulling a lever that other guys pulled after pulling on their junk, go to the sink and turn on the faucet touching everyone's junk germs, press on the soap dispenser lever to get dick soap to wash the dick off your hands and then hit the same fucking faucet that you just touched with your dick hands to turn the water off as you proceed to use your hands to open the bathroom door to leave. Not everyone washes their hands to begin with so you are at least coming into contact with (depending on the size of your floor that the bathroom is on) +8 bonus dicks when you touch the door to leave.

Even if you have automatic flushing, automatic soap sensor, faucet sensor, dryer / paper towel sensor you're still screwed because of that goddamn bathroom door. You can't kick it open either because you might fuck someone up who's trying to enter.

But the thing that really grinds my gears are guys who let their dick trickle hit the floor. As the day progresses it begins to pool and you have to stand farther and farther away from the urinal so as to not lace your ferragamos with piss. You have to be a fucking seal team six sniper if you want to reach the stall if you're taking a piss at night before you leave the office.

]

I use a paper tower to turn the water off, throw away, get another, dry hands, use same paper tower to open door on way out. We have a garbage right by the door.

No bonus dicks.

Aug 15, 2012 - 10:47pm

1) That super dense turd that splashes the toilet water all up on ur ass. At first you don't mind because of the bidet effect.... but then you remember where the water came from.
2) People who do the hover technique and miss and literally leave their deuce on the seat (rare, no doubt- but defintely happens more than it should).
3) I think this one was mentioned already, but the dribble that lands on the floor in front of the seat. It's whatever if you're just taking a leak too, but the second you gotta take a dump, your pants have to sit in it.

Honorable mention: people who leave the sink running when they take a shit so no one can hear them.
Final note- unless you took a dump, the dirtiest thing you can do in the bathroom is wash your hands. If you honestly think your dick is dirtier than the sink handle, than you have bigger problems on your plate

GBS
  • 2
Aug 15, 2012 - 11:28pm

I was taking a piss...and the head of our division who I've never met comes up and middle urinals me (wtf!?) and then proceeds to rip two of the longest farts I've ever heard!!!!

I wanted to die laughing. Was I supposed to turn and look at him and laugh? I just wall stared until he left.

I've never looked at him the same.

  • 1
Aug 16, 2012 - 12:23am

I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

Aug 16, 2012 - 1:43am
Ron Paul:
I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

Yeah man, worst part of taking a shit is when the tip of my junk dips into the water. Hate it when that happens...

Aug 16, 2012 - 8:35am
Ron Paul:
I hate (love) when I'm on the throne and my junk rubs against the inside of the toilet. I wonder how many other dongs have touched that same spot? It's surreal to know I just made hundreds, maybe even thousands of new Dong Brothers.

This is why I always sling it over my shoulder when I'm sitting down

Aug 16, 2012 - 1:05am

my current bathroom only has two stalls and the funniest is when two guys are in there and you can tell they are trying to outlast each other, each of them on iphones. the bathroom feels like a dungeon, very dark. people will leave parts of the wsj in there.

my last bathroom was pretty big and spacious with very nice smelling soap, but the stall doors were always swinging open and sometimes those electric flushers would start repeatedly flushing.

always a thin layer of water on the counter by the sink. it leaves that big wet line across your pants if you happen to lean against it.

Aug 16, 2012 - 1:47am

Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I am permanently behind on PMs, it's not personal.

  • 2
Aug 16, 2012 - 2:19am
APAE:
Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

i like giving my immune system its daily workout.

Aug 16, 2012 - 12:17pm
APAE:
Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I know what bank you work at now haha

Aug 16, 2012 - 11:28pm
wikileaks:
APAE:
Has no one in here figured out the paper-towel-to-door-handle trick? When you're done washing your hands, you take the paper towels, dry your hands, take them with you to the door, open the door with the towels in your hand, and throw them away by the door. All the bathrooms in my bank have baskets by the door for this exact reason. I've seen it in other buildings as well. Is this rare?

I know what bank you work at now haha
I remember from my interviews way back that several banks do this though.

I am permanently behind on PMs, it's not personal.

  • 1
Aug 20, 2012 - 3:02pm

[quote=BlackHat]If I'm in the bathroom by myself I'll Chuck Norris the door and just kick the handle down with my foot. If you've got a twist knob you're probably fucked though.

This thread also reminded me of this for some reason: http://www.tumtiki.com/videos/296453/saturday-night-live-bidet[/quote]

Wouldn't it be easier to use a paper towel to open the door, especially if you're worried about touching anything

Aug 16, 2012 - 3:27pm
blastoise:
do you guys really poop at work?

You do not know what you are missing. It's like Heaven on Earth.

Aug 16, 2012 - 9:19am
Aaron Burr:
2. The Presence of Unexpected Presents

This one is definitely the worst. You'd think that in a corporate environment people would have the common decency to make sure the auto-flush took care of business so they don't leave a destroyed toilet for the next guy. Nope. I've seen some things that are worse than any run-down gas station i've been to.

Aug 16, 2012 - 9:57am

Note that in the (admittedly rare) instances where there are dividers between the urinals, Middle Urinal guy is moot.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
Aug 16, 2012 - 10:58am

Worst experience for me are those old school 20 gallon toilets: your deposit has a large enough freefall that upon impact a geyser of dirty toilet water is projected directly upwards.

As to middle urinal guy: my hs calc teacher would place both hands on the wall above the urinal and lean on them while standing right next to you. Occasionally he would worsen the situation by striking up conversation.

Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol
Aug 16, 2012 - 12:47pm
dwight schrute:
Worst experience for me are those old school 20 gallon toilets: your deposit has a large enough freefall that upon impact a geyser of dirty toilet water is projected directly upwards.

As to middle urinal guy: my hs calc teacher would place both hands on the wall above the urinal and lean on them while standing right next to you. Occasionally he would worsen the situation by striking up conversation.

Throw some pieces of toilet paper in there to reduce the impact of those chocolate bars!

Aug 16, 2012 - 11:26am

Does no one else get annoyed when you're in the last (usually handicap) stall and you hear the door open and lo and behold the person walks past 8 other stalls to the one next to you? I abide by the every other stall method at work.

And to avoid the splash back i dump a hefty amount of toilet paper into the water first. This is also key when you're at someone's house, say a new girlfriend or her parents' house, and you want to avoid leaving skids.

Aug 16, 2012 - 2:04pm

One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

Aug 16, 2012 - 2:19pm
Going Concern:
SirTradesaLot:
One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

HAHAHA. epic.


The best part, it was a client's office. My colleague went to the restroom before the meeting got started. When my colleague came back, he told the guy we were meeting, "I saw something very interesting in there." Client says something like, "was it the toilet paper Fortress guy?". Then, he went on for about ten minutes describing all of the intricacies of the process.
Aug 16, 2012 - 2:11pm
SirTradesaLot:
One guy, who was apparently very focused on absolute privacy, was known to drape toilet paper over the slit in the stall door where the hinge is located.

That's fuckin badass.

I hate victims who respect their executioners
Aug 16, 2012 - 2:25pm

^lol. I took a dump in a stall once where the slit was literally right in front of the toilet. It was wider than normal too. I'd give a pass in a case like that. Regardless, good for that guy. I'd bet money he's a boss.

GBS
Aug 16, 2012 - 2:44pm

Not work related but anyone else clog a toilet at a girlfriends parents house. Depending how well you know them, talk about embarrassment. "Hey Mr._____ do you have a plunger."

Harvey Specter doesn't get cotton mouth.
Aug 16, 2012 - 3:09pm
ScoobyDoobie:
Not work related but anyone else clog a toilet at a girlfriends parents house. Depending how well you know them, talk about embarrassment. "Hey Mr._____ do you have a plunger."

Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber

I hate victims who respect their executioners
Aug 17, 2012 - 9:37am

lolz good post...which is saying something the way this forum is going

You know you've been working too hard when you stop dreaming about bottles of champagne and hordes of naked women, and start dreaming about conditional formatting and circular references.
Aug 18, 2012 - 1:03am

After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Aug 20, 2012 - 5:51pm
Xecit:
After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

I hate victims who respect their executioners
Aug 21, 2012 - 11:38pm
BlackHat:
Xecit:
After skimming through the majority of these comments, I assume the majority of you fortunately have not been in the military. I find these issues to be child's play. I'll miss playing gay chicken... that is about it though.

Don't get me started on gay chicken...

Are you gay or are you a chicken? From you're posts, I'm gonna say you' got some balls, so you gotta be gay.

Aug 20, 2012 - 4:13pm
shadowcover:
Anybody else just hold it until they get home?

Like Shitbreak from American Pie?
Aug 14, 2014 - 12:09pm

we need more posts like this

"My name's Ralph Cox, and I'm from where ever's not gonna get me hit"

Aug 14, 2014 - 12:42pm

The best way to exert dominance is to begin at the left most stall, drop trou, turn 45 degrees to the right (to mire your marble oasis), place hands on hips or in the most muscular pose, begin urinating while gradually walking from urinal to urinal and finishing in the right most sink. This applies regardless of whether or not other people are using the urinals (obviously). Sounds like you guys are doing it wrong and focusing on the wrong issues.

Aug 14, 2014 - 1:55pm

I work in Corporate Real Estate, so the office building is much smaller and has many situations of being alone in the bathrooms. Just wondering, anybody ever catch people fapping while on the can? It seems pretty obvious because they go immediately silent when you come in, and don't hardly make a noise if you sit in the stall next to them, I guess hoping that you won't know they are there. If I have time, and I'm not in a rush, I like to walk towards the door out, swing it open, and act like I'm leaving (easy if you have solid soled shoes). Never fails... five seconds later the porno sounds start up and the jerking begins. I usually give them a few seconds, then laugh loudly and exit. Pretty funny stuff. You think that people might not wait until they could get home to take a dump, but geez! Deal with your urges privately at home!

"Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers
  • 2
Aug 14, 2014 - 2:37pm

The worst is when mid-dump the auto flush decides you're done and sprays your ass like a bidet with toilet juice. Jokes on the next guy because I now cover the auto flush and often forget to remove it when I'm done.

...and what the fuck is wrong with people who put one or both hands against the wall in front of them while pissing? They make it seem like they're passing a goddamn kidney stone.

Sep 11, 2014 - 1:00pm

I thought maybe this only happened to me, sometimes decides that it needs to auto flush 3 or 4 times before I'm done. Absolute worst. Also, had a director who did the two hand against the wall and grunted like he passed a kidney stone every single time...

Aug 14, 2014 - 3:44pm

my two "unique" theories on bathroom usage.

For #1: Since my morning shower, my unit has been cleanly sitting in my pants protected from the outside world, we should really wash our hands BEFORE using the urinal. (motion activated flushing and sink expected here).

For #2: Flushable Wet Wipes. I don't understand how people use dry economy level toilet paper. What are we, cavemen?? Maybe I am showing my age and bodily breakdown due to the 10 years of excessive amounts of alcohol, coffee, lack of sleep and fatty foods, but I don't see how you guys get the job done with single-ply.

GTAA Mistmaker
  • 1
Aug 14, 2014 - 6:13pm

Not from work, but toilet stories from around the globe;
1) these things might be common where your at, BUT there is a bar just down the road from me (London), and there is one 'special' urinal. You aim for the start 'button', a screen above it lights up and the urinal has a sensor overlay so you can play games, with your piss. Really brightens the experience of what is a shithole of a bar.
2) There is nothing, nothing at all, which can beat a Japanese toilet. The fanciest one I had the pleasure of using had adjustments for the heat of the seat, the music it played you, the direction of post action water spurt and heat of said spurt.
3)A bar in Kranjska Gora, Slovenia has soft padded head rests above the urinal for you to drunkenly lean your head on, and, if you turned your head to the right/ left (assuming you don't get the middle) there was a mini screen playing music videos.

Aug 15, 2014 - 6:08am

Love the post! I dont know if this has happened to anyone here, but somehow I managed to sync my bathroom schedule with a really weird VP in my group. Never worked with the guy. But we would always happen to go to the bathroom at the same time. Im sure we both noticed this happening, but we never spoke about it. Fucked up.

Aug 20, 2014 - 9:12pm

LongandShortofit:

Rationalize all you want, if you don't wash your hands you are promoting the spread of infectious disease to yourself and others. Ask any medical professional they will all tell you the same thing. Germs do not work the way I think that some of you think they do.

I agree.

Wash your hands gents. I don't care if you think your dick is clean (it's not but I'm not getting into that), I don't want to essentially touch your dick because you touch a surface after not washing your hands. Neither do many people. Congrats when someone does want to touch and do other things to your cock but most of us don't.

Sep 25, 2014 - 2:07pm

Pretty hilarious, and true.

I'll admit I am both middle urinal guy and mister chatty. I do it on purpose because I enjoy making people uncomfortable. I'd encourage you to give a whirl sometime, its quite satisfying.

Array
  • 1
Nov 8, 2014 - 8:00pm

This one guy takes a volcano shit every time! The shit is all around the inside of the toilet bowl and never in the water. One guy was busting ass in the stall next to mine, so I decided to make fake fart sounds and he followed up with several more farts. Heard a guy heavily breathing on the toilet once, I thought he was gonna pass out from constipation and trying to get that stool out...

Nov 9, 2014 - 1:42pm

the most hitter MD in my old group would never wash his hands after taking a piss. our group was printing money at the time and his P&L was at least 2x the number 2 MD. everybody knew he didn't wash his hands and the other analysts and I always jokingly chalked it up to an opportunity cost calculation for time to wash hands vs. time making it rain. i was always skeptical about hand washing after a piss, but that experience moved me firmly into the camp of not washing (unless someone might see you not wash, of course).

Nov 9, 2014 - 1:41pm

also, this thread is money. we used to always joke about deucing out in my analyst class and we'd just sit on the shitter and have loud conversations. i remember when that one senator was arrested for trying to solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom by tapping his foot under the wall of the stall (reference for younger monkeys: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Craig_scandal). for a few weeks it was a running joke on my floor to tap your foot under the neighboring stall when someone was next to you shitting.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:09pm

Is it acceptable to use the bathroom for a little ~10-15 min break/nap break? (Originally Posted: 08/11/2017)

Does anyone else do this at times? I'm not sure if I will find trouble doing it as I am not certain others do it too?

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:13pm

I definitely pulled this a few times in banking. You clearly need the seat down for maximum comfort, which necessitates pants up to prevent your bare ass on the cold porcelain. Longest I ever slept uninterrupted without tipping over was 2 hours, 4-6am.

- Capt K - "Prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, bait the hook with prestige." - Paul Graham
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:14pm

God damn, that's fkin impressive. Longest I've passed out on a toilet for was about a half hour, but I was plastered

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:17pm

This thread is hilarious. I wish more people would comment about their toilet nap experience and compare upright toilet sleeping records.

You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake, son.
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:19pm

I would take 10 minute power naps on the can during class hours when I was at the US Military Academy.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:20pm

Haha this is great. The most I've gone is about 10-15 minutes, and I was only planning on about a 2 minute power nap.

As for pants up or down, since we tend to glance under the stall doors to see the shoes so we can identify the crapper (we all do it), it would be kinda weird to see someone without their pants down sitting on the crapper. It would be even weirder to come back 45 minutes later and see the same shoes/ pants combo. I think this also depends on size of the bathroom, number of stalls, stall door length, and number of employees in your office.

Sometimes when I get bored in the office I'll also just go on the toilet and fool around on my phone for a few minutes. There is something really relaxing about enjoying some private time while hanging loose and being surrounded by shiny porcelain.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:22pm

More than once have I happened upon a chorus of soft snores coming from the stalls. UBS has a nap-room in the Hong Kong office supposedly --> they should definitely adapt that industry wide. Productivity probably much higher.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:23pm

I kept a pillow and blanket in my cube and just whipped it out right there if I wanted to sleep. I didn't care if anyone saw me. What were they going to say, really?

CompBanker

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:24pm

damn i have no idea how you all survive the sleep deprivation. don't you pretty much want to kill yourself when you get to that point? i can't even function (basic things like walking straight) with less than 5-6 hours. my favorite part of the day is when i go to sleep.

if all this is true major props to all of you. keep the stories coming guys...

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:25pm

45 minutes in a portashitter...

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:26pm

Does sleeping for four hours on your knees, asses up, with your forehead resting on the backend of the down toilet seat count?

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:30pm

i was going to take a 10 min power nap and even set the alarm on my phone, only to be woken up 4 hours later by the cleaning crew banging on the door. My voicemail was also full.

More is good, all is better
  • 1
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:31pm

I am a huge fan of desk napping. Everyone should buy one of those airplane pillows and keep it in the office.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:41pm

One thing I can't stand is when a co-worker comes into the bathroom while I'm pissing at a urinal, goes into a stall, and starts a conversation with me while he's taking a shit. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, especially when they're grunting during the conversation.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:42pm

Nothing pisses me off more than guys that have never heard of the "every other" rule while going to the bathroom.

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:45pm

Yea... anyone ever experienced the foot tap? That's always an awkward experience :-p

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:46pm

We just sleep at the desk... this place is mad and so it is not even seen as unusual. Associates pull 100+ hours regularly... Analysts are here all the time.

From the ghetto....
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:51pm

They think "Yeah, one time I.........."

What do you think......MD's are hatched?

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:52pm

Who else likes to buddy nap with friends in the same stall? It's great during late nights at work and even more fun (and convenient!) when you get sleepy in public places. Like the other day, me and my bro were at Burger King after staying up all night partying, and the whoppers hit us just as the red bull wore off, so we just went into the BK stall and napped for a while. I sat in his lap (b/c he's a little bigger than me) and he leaned back against the wall as i leaned forward on him (facing each other, like a bro-sandwich). Woke up a few hours later feelin super fresh and krispy. Definately do this with your bros if you haven't already.

Nov 3, 2017 - 12:53pm

This made it onto Bloomberg radio yesterday haha

"I'm short your house"
Nov 3, 2017 - 12:55pm

There seems to be a couple ways to attack the OP question..

Pants down boxers up to portray the illusion of actual shittage and keep warm, or pants down boxers down to allow your skin to provide traction on the seat to prevent slippage.

Nov 3, 2017 - 1:01pm

We have a nap room. It is intentionally cold like the arctic, but everyone learned to bring a blanket.
Sometimes, I like it here.

I may not be on the Jedi Council, but I sure am great with the Force.

See my WSO blog posts

Nov 3, 2017 - 1:02pm

Best way to use the bathroom? (Originally Posted: 04/26/2010)

As an analyst, should I get permission from my associate / vp to use the bathroom for a #2? I'm being serious here guys!

I know this might seem like a stupid question to some of you but I'm honestly curious to see what approach you take. Given that you are going to be gone for around 10 minutes (maybe 15 if you have a good magazine) I'm guessing you should probably email your associate to let them know in case they urgently need you.

Thoughts?

Nov 3, 2017 - 1:03pm

Just get up and go and if you're going to take shit mention that you are going to the bathroom. Does this honestly need to be asked? This isn't a security job, you might want to do your business and get back to work. Try and wait a couple months until you are a little more comfortable with the shop before you start reading the economist on the can.

  • 1
Nov 3, 2017 - 1:05pm

Logan,

Yes I would strongly advise you to ask your Associate or VP about taking a #2 break and telling him to make sure you are back in 15 minutes. Here is why:

Last year I went to the bathroom (i had a very big stomach ache from some bad Bok Choi) I'm sitting there in the bathroom for 15 minutes playing with my blackberry, I reach for the toilet paper.. and BAM! NO MORE PAPER WAS LEFT!! Keep in mind this is at a boutique so the bathroom doesn't get much traffic. So I decided to wait for someone , and after waiting 15 minutes for anyone to come in so I can ask for toilet paper I gave up. .

I called my group's telephone #, and my damn MD picked up the phone!! I said this is real awkward but I need some toilet paper in the bathroom. HE WAS MAD....He said is this why you arent at your desk for damn near 30 minutes now?!?! So he comes in... It really smells in the bathroom and I can see my MD choking and gasping for air. He said the next time this happens you can take your fat ass to Jefferies because I wont have some shit for brains working here!

Nov 3, 2017 - 1:07pm

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