How many close friends do you have? What stage in your life did you meet them? How did you meet them? I am specifically referring to true friends and not acquaintances.
Malta's friends:
5 total (in chronological order)
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In class/ Elementary school
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In class/ High School
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In sports/ High School
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Wall Street Oasis/ College
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In a hallway/ College
I haven't been able to make any friends in work. Sure, we talk and occasionally drink after work but I would not consider them friends and don't fully trust any of them. I measure friendships in terms of trust. Those five people I trust with my life and I hope they feel the same about me. Relationships are life.
Unfortunately none at the moment and not since high school. I've had plenty of buddies (none of those currently either), but it's all ephemeral. The cost is just too high and the quality I've encountered not high enough to justify it. I trust my wife and my mom. That's it. There are a few older guys I speak with about shit now and again. They're not friends though. They're actually all clients now that I think of it. So I guess I have good relationships with my clients. I've made efforts to be good with people because it's useful. Studying things like motivational interviewing and paying a lot of attention to social dynamics. Consequently, I'm a "good listener" or some shit and people start speaking to me like I'm a counselor pretty quickly. A 65-year-old man running multiple companies will call me to shit talk his sister for an hour or commiserate about how this or that broker is an idiot, toss in some casual conversation about home audio I can't afford, then send me on my way. I've cultivated quite a few relationships like that for some reason, but no real friendships. I know people worthy of friendship are out there. I read books written by them, hear them on podcasts, etc. I just haven't had the good fortune of making their acquaintances. They would need to bring significant value to the table.
are you a sociopath?
Did you read any books to become good at reading social dynamics or was it just experience?
Cialdini, Motivational Interviewing, a lot of negotiations books (Chris Voss is seen as the best typically), overall decision-making books like Thinking Fast & Slow, Time Trap, Like Switch, etc. Gavin De Becker, John Gray, being bipolar helps tremendously at times and you can gain insights into that state of mind by reading Kay Redfield Jamison... just reading about different people, especially first-hand writing. For instance, Better by Atul Gawande. I have very little interest in medicine, but I do have an interest in understanding how doctors think and I do have an interest in pursuing excellence. Look into habit - Charles Duhigg is pretty good. The more you read, the more insight into others' minds you get.
Being interested in a lot of different shit helps. I'll read shit written by rappers and producers, military people, scientists, entrepreneurs, anyone doing shit I find interesting - James Carse one day and Dawkins the next. Either reinforcing your own beliefs or changing them. Both are good outcomes. Oliver Sacks is great for human insight and if you're interested in mental illness. Eric Kandel too.
Oh and yes, a lot of exposure therapy as well. Working sales through high school and college helped a lot. I got that idea from my sister who took waitressing jobs through college to learn to get people to like her and then started making a killing in pharma sales right out of school. When I was single, I was forced to be charming and shit too. And when I was starting my business, I had to win a lot of people's favor. I've sort of slept on a lot of those skills lately to be honest. I've almost swung the other way and now enjoy making social situations uncomfortable with the ridiculous, mildly-autistic shit I say. But if I ever need to find another wife or start a new business, I still got all that in the back pocket.
manic depressive?
they swapped it to bipolar like a decade back officially, but yeah
I'll be your friend Goldie ILY :)
No friends, only enemies.
Anyone standing in my way to an IB job is an enemy. That means every single person applying to every single Wall Street internship, or who currently works on the Street, is my enemy.
But what happens when the enemy of my enemy is my friend?
Pretty simple: you just end up getting POUNDED
Best friend - met when we were 2. Neighbors our entire childhoods. Great times.
HS - 1 friend that I’m dogs with but good lord we could not be more different lmao. I wasn’t very social in hs.
College - 15. Fraternity brothers that I’m closest with and we all lived together for 5+ semesters either in house or apartment/senior house neighbors. Huge perk of a state school lol. Living with 3-4 of them post grad too.
Work - not FT yet, from prior internships there’s 2 guys I’m close with and talk (or shit talk their college football team) regularly.
I get anxious (bad FOMO) if I’m not hanging out with people or doing something.
Every one of those guys will cut your throat in your sleep for a hunk of bread if shit hits the fan.
This man is afraid to be with his own thoughts. What's goin' on up there, friend? You ever poke around or just drown it out for two decades?
Maybe I used FOMO wrong. I’m not afraid of my own thoughts, more of a “damn I don’t wanna stay in and miss out on a great night out” type of deal. Have never poked around or needed to, considering doing it every few months once I start FT as it’s more convenient to do that than take a weekend away in the mountains from my location.
Honestly, sitting in absolute silence by yourself is one of the best things ever. I don't really meditate in the traditional sense. I can't get it to ever shut off, there's always something else to get done. But just being aware of your own thoughts is important.
People should practice sitting alone without a phone, TV, or any external stimulation and just think.
Lots of acquaintances, maybe 1-2 friends who live in different continents that I get to see once every year or two. If you need a companion by a dog, everything else is just a fucking distraction.
My high school friend group (~10) has stayed very close through college, and sadly enough we became even closer when we lost one of our own (who was probably the one I was closest with) in a freak accident several months ago. Was fortunate enough to make some really great friends in college too. I was worried that I would lose touch with the ones in other cities because I suck at keeping in contact, but they have never failed to stay in touch with me and seeing them is the thing I look forward to most. The total group of true friends is probably like 20 ish, and then there are just a bunch of people I can bro around with and just like count on to chill, but our relationship is not like at the "true friend" level. Still grateful for those guys as well.
Best friends -
Younger Brother - his birth
Middle School - school/sports
Grad School - school
Then there's a Tier 1b that would be best friends if they didn't live on different continents. Harder to keep up relationships that way.
Elementary School - school/sports (Currently in Asia)
Middle School - school/sports (Military, so bounces around a lot)
College - school/fraternity (Currently in Africa)
Then there are a ton of tier 2 friends - old fraternity brothers, people I've met through work that I hang out with outside of work, other classmates from highschool/college/grad school that I don't talk to often but I like a lot, etc. People you'd invite to your wedding but wouldn't be in your wedding party, essentially.
Then there are the "couple friends" you acquire during long term relationships - aka your significant others' friends' significant others. Some are super cool. Some suck. But I see them a decent amount from double dates. Significant others' friends count here too - usually they're cooler than their boyfriends/husbands to be honest.
Finally, corny as it is, my significant other is a legitimate friend. It's different, sure, but she makes the list.
I got a small circle I'm not with different crews - Lil Wayne
Wayne would never say some gay ass shit like that. That was drake.
5 "close" friends, 3 I trust completely. Trust the other 2 just not the guys I'd go to in a major bind.
Many other friends from college and grad school. In my current city there are only a few here and I see them pretty often, but I still talk to the 3 closest guys almost daily.
Probably 10-20 really close friends. I would lose my mind if i ever have to pick out groomsmen. All of them I have known since elementary-highschool, all from the same town (currently mid-late 20s). Its really wierd I don't know how how I got so lucky. They are all super nice, smart, funny people. Some of them are bmx/car kids, some are ex fratty/lax kids kids, some didn't go to college, some are ski bums in Utah, some do the corporate thing in nyc. It's truley a blessing.
Had another thought on this. Friends bring you their problems and baggage. For me, it's really overwhelming. I have enough of my own. Whenever I've started to get moderately friendly with someone and they start telling me about their problems and their life and this and that, I - maybe consciously, maybe subconsciously - shut them out and throw away the key. I already gotta deal with my own shit, my wife's shit, my mom's shit, my grandparents' shit, my brothers' shit, all these tenants' shit, my clients' shit, then some more of my own shit - and this is all important shit that needs to be dealt with attentively.
And then you meet someone and they seem cool enough. You crack a few jokes. OK cool. I'm good with jokes. And then before you know it, this motherfucker is texting you about their romantic, health, and financial problems. My personality is very problem-solving oriented and I try to view problems from a lot of different angles. I'm good at solving them, but it takes a lot of energy. And I fully commit to anything I get involved in. So, for instance, my cousin (who is barely family) comes to me and is basically saying he wants help getting in shape and finding a better job and shit. I spend a full day with him hanging out, we talk a lot, we revise his resume, we do a little workout, talk about how to invest his money, all that shit. And what does he do? Not shit. He's back to playing FIFA the next day. The fuck did I just waste my time for?
I do not need to hear a single thing about a stranger's problems. I do not have the capacity nor the desire to deal with it. I don't talk about my plethora of problems to anyone. I just deal with the shit. I can't tolerate people who spill their shit into the exterior.
Even if it's not a problem. You start talking about your upbringing and your relationship with your dad and shit? Like, now I gotta keep track of this motherfucker's story? What do I get out of that? This dude should go write in a journal and stop bothering people.
Well said. This is too true these days. I have had a similar experience with friends/family/acquaintances.
+1 SB
I relate to this a lot, albeit less jaded (maybe more naive, who knows?). I still try to help people when I can. I am very problem solving oriented. I try to understand the cause of problems and then offer up options, each with their pros and cons.
I have had many similar experiences- devoting a whole day to someone and they just don't want to help themselves. I don't get it. People complain about weight problems- go do cardio, cut out a lot of carbs and junk food, put the fork down, put the alcohol away. Not complicated. People complain about work all the time. Okay, go get a better job (after 1 year of it, which is stupid of society imo) or start your own thing. Stop spending so much and give yourself freedom. I've been questioning life and shit here mostly because I don't get it. I feel like I'm missing something to the equation. I digress.
I have been happy to help people who took it and did something with it. I've helped several friends get pretty cool jobs. I've helped a couple people I know shed some serious weight. I like helping people. I'm younger than you so maybe I just haven't been burned as many times as you. Maybe different outlooks on life. No clue. Interesting to hear your take though.
Rest comes and goes.
Dang you have a prestige complex even with your friends???
Tier a, Tier b?
bruhhh lol
So you are equally close to all the people in your life ? Of course there is a ranking, not sure it has anything to do with prestige, more with trust. Stop trolling
My best friends are all people I've started companies with. There's nothing like throwing your life savings into a half baked idea and going at it. You end up spending 10 to 15 hours a day together and none of your other relationships come close to being as good. I also enjoy spending time with the executives and founders at some of our companies. Went to Vegas for a trade show a few months ago and we all brought our SOs and had a blast together.
I have friends that I still visit/hang out with when I'm in their city and I like hanging out with them but I don't really consider them close friends. Some are investors, fellow entrepreneurs, people in finance that I think are smart, etc... I text these people once in a while and have fun talking to them. The real problem though is that we are all pretty busy or live in different cities so we don't get a chance to meet up much but it's a blast when we do.
Some of my initial cofounders who ended up being more lifestyle entrepreneurs after we made some money together I have difficulty hanging out with. Just kind of boring I guess? I find it incredibly hard to be interested in spending time with people that aren't pushing the envelope.
Also I'm very close with my family and prefer to spend my free time with my family/gf when I do have free time.
I have older friends from high school etc I'll see once in a while...like every few years but I can't really relate to most of them and it's kind of boring hanging out with them because they are pretty bland.
Out of the hundreds of friends I have, I only have 4 (four) close friends. I met them all at college. Yes, I have lost good friends along the way but it made a better person and I reflect on the mistakes I made.
Do you count anyone you've locked eyes with in a 30 yard range as your friend?
No lol, but you meet one person and they introduce you to their social circle. Eventually, I'm just like "wow, that's a lot of people I know".
Much fewer than i thought i had three years ago graduating.. Can count of two hands:
Middle School -- group of 4 dudes. We did everything together and basically made fun of eachother our whole lives. They all live back in our mid-west hometown. Still my close friends, but i only see em few times a year.
Fraternity brothers -- thought i was close friends with 8-10 of my pledge brothers. They all still live in my current metro area, but we only talk or get together every couple months, mostly with the intent of getting drunk/meeting girls. It's sad realizing all the guys i chose to spend the best years of my life with were mostly ephemeral relationships.
Older brothers -- one's in residency now so we talk less; the other remains my best friend in the world, lives in the other major metro city--we text everyday. On days when I think I have nobody, I remind myself that I have him.
No close girlfriends -- still haven't figured out how to remain friends with girls after being romantic. The ones i was friends with from college live in other places and lost touch.
Just throwing this out there, I truly believe pursuing the CFA caused me to become more of a recluse and lose many fringe friendships from college. Wonder if I'll ever get em back or if it's even worth trying..
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