From Non-Target to Threesome

Friday night.

I'm at the club, grinding on two fine NYU specimens, one is my date and the other told us her name was Chloé. I peer over my shoulder and cringe at the desperate frat boys, raising vodka for the sober women, oblivious to the fact that chicken-legs and chubbies don't go hand-in-hand. I wondered if desperation had an expiration date, they were crowding my dance floor.

I asked for my date's phone number on the subway earlier that day. Tall, thin, tanned, and half-Asian. She informed me she was from Hong-Kong, and is graduating from NYU next spring with a degree in dance. But it wasn't Lucy Liu who captured my attention that night, it was the blonde who we met 5 minutes ago, she could easily be on the cover of Victoria's Secret and maybe even under the cover of my sheets.

The masses start to show and the dance floor gets humid. A fat chick grabs my ass and my date starts a confrontation. I whisper in Chloé's ear that i'd love to leave with her, and inform her we should exit before the exodus, after all it was getting pretty late. We navigate through the masses, dodging awkward fobs, fat Amy dancing on the bar table, Snoop Dog lighting a joint in the corner, and a hurricane of low-tier finance bro's dressed like Gotti's crew.

About half an hour later we find ourselves on a random street in Chelsea, we had spent the time chatting about her entire life and I thought it was time I brought my due-diligence to a close. I halt a cab and give him the directions to my apartment, meanwhile Chloé is busy fondling my dice. I manage to contain her excitement till we step inside my bedroom, I promptly excuse myself for a whiz.

I'm yawning over the toilet seat and having a hard time unloading from the ICBM that has taken center stage, i begin taking proper controlled bursts just as I was thought by my dad the ex-marine. My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket, it's a text from Lucy Liu.. a guilty feeling rushes into my chest.

"Lrts go hpme baby" sent 40 minutes ago
"Wait wtf.. whevre are you guys!?!" sent 15 minutes ago

My sympathy fell off a cliff and I exited messenger, opened up Venmo and paid her for the entrance fees. I added a 20% tip for being a great wing woman and tossed my cellphone into the bathtub.

As I walk toward my bed, I could see Chloé had already made herself comfortable. I let out a chuckle and recited the saying from the movie Slum Dog Millionaire "God is good Jamal.. God is good", and even better I was about to obliterate his masterpiece. As i'm taking off my dress shirt, the broad mutters something I couldn't comprehend. "What?" and she mutters it again, "Whaat?" She leans closer to my ear and asks me to take down my poster of the future president of America. I asked her why, but if I could have seen into the future, I would have been able to save my ear that fell off from an overdose of vitamin feminism and NYU privileged malarkey.

Chloé is now yelling at me and telling me to just do her. But instead I toss her off my bed and make her promise that unless she votes for my candidate, then she's not getting the Don. Her phone vibrates and it's fucking Lucy Liu who unfortunately did not get the memo.

"id be down for a 3some.. can u ask (insert my name) to reply plz"

A grin blows up on Chloé's face as she paints the Asian a picture of how terrible a human being I am because I won't remove a poster from my wall. I've had enough and I head towards my drawer, pull out my woodford reserve, and splash some Creapure to add density to the drink and myself. What ensues was fucking beautiful and less an hour later I had my first threesome. A couple months earlier, I was incredibly sad accepting my diploma with this fact, but it's better late than never.. right?

WSO Elite Modeling Package

  • 6 courses to mastery: Excel, Financial Statement, LBO, M&A, Valuation and DCF
  • Elite instructors from top BB investment banks and private equity megafunds
  • Includes Company DB + Video Library Access (1 year)

Comments (23)

Jul 26, 2018 - 12:58pm

haha will do

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Learn More

300+ video lessons across 6 modeling courses taught by elite practitioners at the top investment banks and private equity funds -- Excel Modeling -- Financial Statement Modeling -- M&A Modeling -- LBO Modeling -- DCF and Valuation Modeling -- ALL INCLUDED + 2 Huge Bonuses.

Learn more
Jul 19, 2019 - 1:53am

where'd you go

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Aug 5, 2016 - 7:18am

Honest statement: I've never read or heard about "Damn it feels good to be a banker" until now

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

  • 3
Aug 5, 2016 - 1:27pm

I did! Ordered it from Ebay several hours ago, you spiked my curiosity.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

  • 1
Aug 5, 2016 - 10:30am

Interesting, sounds like my story! +1SB

"Well, you know, I was a human being before I became a businessman." -- George Soros
Nov 6, 2017 - 12:16am

Haha agreed

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

  • 1
Jul 5, 2020 - 11:04pm

Aut iusto vel in sit dolorum qui ducimus culpa. Qui aperiam nisi doloribus quas qui consectetur.

Ducimus laboriosam ratione veritatis neque non tempora ut. Hic odit magnam tempora qui animi hic laboriosam.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

  • Prospect in IB - Cov
Jul 5, 2020 - 11:04pm

Doloremque excepturi sed iure tempore corrupti iste. Id consequatur dolorem aut. Rerum cupiditate alias est quaerat quisquam. Vel beatae mollitia aut error consequuntur deleniti repellat.

Id consequatur earum minus hic est. Officia rerum dolores aliquid atque expedita.

Omnis odit voluptatem neque. Modi et omnis fuga qui iure amet. Eveniet eum velit est est optio voluptatem quidem.

Start Discussion

Total Avg Compensation

September 2021 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (10) $853
  • Vice President (38) $367
  • Associates (218) $232
  • 2nd Year Analyst (132) $153
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (30) $147
  • Intern/Summer Associate (102) $144
  • 1st Year Analyst (483) $135
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (375) $82