Funniest things MDs say

List some of the funniest phrases your MDs have used

Ex:
"spin your wheels"
"bat this around internally"

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Comments (118)

Feb 21, 2018

This one is always funny: pencils down.

Feb 21, 2018

Plz handle k thks
Need to iterate on this
Don't go overboard
We are dangerously close - invariably we weren't

    • 6
Best Response
Feb 21, 2018

let's hit the alligator closest to the canoe

    • 53
    • 1
May 8, 2018

Canadian...or Floridan?

    • 1
Feb 21, 2018

"pls show client resurgence in industry"
"get creative this isn't a science"
"wtf ER put a sell rating on our client"
"get that guy back from vacation"
"make better"

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 33
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Feb 21, 2018

lmao, love all of these. Especially 1 & 3.

    • 2
Feb 28, 2018

"get that guy back from vacation" is an underrated one.

    • 3
Feb 21, 2018

'let's massage these numbers' is my all time favorite

    • 13
Mar 1, 2018

Mentor is a former MD at 2 tier bank, BIG 4 by assets... he says shit like this all the time

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

"We've gotta handle the longest pole in the tent"

    • 2
Mar 2, 2018

This sounds straight out of a cheap porn movie

    • 3
Feb 28, 2018

"Erm.. why is the deck at v81... can we plz reset to v1"

    • 5
Mar 1, 2018

They know why its at 81...

    • 7
Mar 2, 2018

It haunts them at night (or you know, in the office)

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018
Feb 28, 2018

"Right, so..."
"It's just MATH"

    • 2
Feb 28, 2018

"Put this on my tickler for next week."

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

From 10 minutes ago, without having explained the context of this assignment at all:

"I WAS THINKING MAINLY [X]. IF THERE ARE [Y]'S, MAYBE WE PUT THOSE IN TOO? THINK ABOUT IT AND COME BACK TO ME. I WANT THIS TO BE USERFRIENDLY"

Others

"I find it hard to believe..."

After confirming that I have closed the loop on a huge headache that I managed to shield him from entirely:

"Cool"

Feb 28, 2018

tx

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

I've seen this MD paradox posted around the internet: "Don't spend all night on this champ, but I need this on my desk first thing in the morning"

Carl Van Loon
Van Loon & Associates

    • 4
Mar 1, 2018

This is too real. "I don't want you staying late but..." at 11pm at night.

    • 3
Mar 5, 2018

TRIGGERED.

"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing"

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

"Please change this slide" to fucking what?
"Guys our slides need more pop I am thinking our presentations should look more mckinsey'esque"
" plz find (vague description of file) for me" * MD refused access to the team server because he didn't feel he should be looking for a file

    • 8
Mar 2, 2018
iloveburritos:

"Guys our slides need more pop I am thinking our presentations should look more mckinsey'esque"

This sounds like sheer horror. Imagine how long it takes to change a deck from pragmatic to McKinsey

    • 2
    • 1
Mar 2, 2018
iloveburritos:

" plz find (vague description of file) for me" * MD refused access to the team server because he didn't feel he should be looking for a file

Or when they do have access but seem to never know

    • 2
Feb 28, 2018

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

    • 3
    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

"Please add this guy to our list."

The guy is already on the list. Always.

    • 15
Mar 2, 2018

What kind of list?

    • 2
Mar 2, 2018

Coverage/contact lists.

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

"your raise will be effective when you are"

    • 28
Feb 28, 2018

"She's built like brick shithouse, but the face could stop a freight train."

    • 2
Mar 2, 2018

On what occasion would the MD say this?

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

It was used to describe a Cocktail Waitress. It implies that she has an amazing body but an ugly face. We all had to ask because we had not idea wtf he said.

Apparently...
A brick Shit-house - implies that the utility is over-engineered.
Face that could stop a freight train - Self explanatory

    • 3
Mar 4, 2018

A brick shit house implies that the utility is over-engineered?

ummm its common British slang for a muscular/big person

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Br...

Mar 4, 2018
muGunn:

A brick shit house implies that the utility is over-engineered?

ummm its common British slang for a muscular/big person

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Br...

Great!

    • 2
Mar 2, 2018

"Her face could make a freight train take a dirt road"

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Feb 28, 2018

"I need a pot to shit in but there's piss all over the seat"

    • 4
Feb 28, 2018

A brick in the washing machine.

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

this is the only analogy/simile I don't understand on this thread. Care to explain?

    • 1
Feb 28, 2018

Don't completely know what this means, but I would assume that it's an analogy for a problem or a hurdle that needs to be taken care of. If there was a brick in the washing machine, it would be a problem and you would want to take it out, right?

    • 2
Feb 28, 2018

.

    • 1
Mar 1, 2018

When shit hits the storm. Throw a brick in a washing machine and watch it blow up.

    • 2
Mar 2, 2018

youtube brick in washing machine, all will become clear.

    • 3
Mar 2, 2018

Thank you haha someone gets it.

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

"They're moving slower than a herd of turtles in a dust storm"

Array
    • 4
Mar 3, 2018

Lots of cricket references....
1. "Play a straight bat"
2. "It's a bit of a sticky wicket"
3. "Let's bowl them an outside ball and see if they bat it back"
4. "They need to step up to the crease"

Standard IBD ones...
1. "Run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes"
2. "There's a smell of burning bridges here but I think they were already on fire"
3. "You can't put shit back in the donkey"
4. "We're going over for a fireside chat"
5. "We're in receive mode here"
6. "We need to sharpen the pencil"
7. "This is proper cavalier investment banking"
8. "Let's draw a line in the sand"
9. "Here's a starter for 10"
10. "We need to be inside the tent"

And some more amusing ones...
1. "You know what they say about divorce. Doubles the cost and halves the balance sheet"
2. "There's a lot of women who can get people to give them money but it doesn't make them good at equity sales"
3. "Apparently the Dubai version of [well known real estate agent] is looking to float. What are they selling? A 2 bed tent with space for camel parking?"

Bonus one from me to the CEO at the Christmas party after a few too many:
1. "Can I have $150 budget to go out drinking afterwards?"

    • 14
Mar 2, 2018

Haha these are great. Having only recently gotten into cricket, what exactly does it mean to "bat it back"?

    • 1
May 8, 2018
Asatar:

Lots of cricket references....
1. "Play a straight bat"
2. "It's a bit of a sticky wicket"
3. "Let's bowl them an outside ball and see if they bat it back"
4. "They need to step up to the crease"

Clearly an Australian

    • 1
Mar 1, 2018

Those logos look fuzzy

    • 12
Mar 1, 2018

awesome

    • 1
Mar 1, 2018

"Let's crawl inside of this and explore"

    • 2
Mar 1, 2018

"[asking for an update on any given menial task in all caps 3 times in 5 minutes]"

    • 1
Mar 1, 2018

"ok ok k... cradle the pitch to me and rock it back and forth until it like doesn't cry and smell like poop"

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

"Lets straighten the spaghetti on this slide"

Still don't know what my MD was trying to say...

    • 7
Mar 2, 2018

Where do MDs get these phrases from? If I were an MD many years down the line, I feel like I would never say this sort of stuff (even though it's kind of funny).

Maybe the MDs heard it from their MDs.

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

They learned it during their MD summer internship

    • 27
Mar 4, 2018

+1 This was very neat.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

"There is no try, there is only do" (this one earned him a nickname, no prizes for guessing what)
"We need to be in bed with our clients"
"Exercise relationship capital"

All of these are from the same MD, so he clearly has some practice.

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

make some fun out of pain, isnt that romantic

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

Had my MD tell our client to "Stop finger-fucking the model and make a decision"

    • 17
Mar 3, 2018

Loudly on cell while walking through the floor: 'I'm tired of this fucking mental masturbation, quick fucking around with the scenario analysis and plant a yard stick in the dirt'.

    • 3
Mar 2, 2018

"I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill here, but [insert obscene request]"

    • 2
Mar 12, 2018

"Daddy big bucks"
"Quit sucking and blowing and get back to the model"
"Big action"
"Let's barf these ideas out into a deck"
"He's sweating like a whore in church"
"Muckity muck"
"We're the 800 pound gorilla - make sure they know"
"We did pretty much everything for them except drop our skirts and say insert here"
"Just because you have someone bent over doesn't mean you need to stick something sharp up their ass"
"Get him on the blower"

    • 5
Mar 2, 2018

Dan DiMicco, today on Squawk box

"Larry Kudlow doesn't know shit".

Thanks Dan.

    • 1
Mar 12, 2018

love the shitanalystssay feed thanks for pointing it out.

    • 1
Mar 12, 2018

gold.

these two plus gselevator and wheninfinance might be the most entertaining feeds

    • 1
Mar 12, 2018

i'm new to WSO and had never heard of wheninfinance! so thanks for that.

    • 1
Mar 12, 2018

Hahaha

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

"They're going throw up all over this shit"
"Noodle in this and get back to me"
"She (CEO)'s gonna get her panties in a wad when she sees this"
"You want some macro-ni and cheese with that excel model?"

    • 2
May 8, 2018

"Too many words, this literally needs to be a children's book"

    • 1
Mar 2, 2018

thx.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

Your Sunday got owned by a task that takes 10 minutes tops to do?

    • 1
May 8, 2018

well given that ive been printing since about 5pm this evening to get my md's "track changes" colors to match...yes

'twas supposed to be an early night :-(

    • 1
May 8, 2018

are you an intern?

    • 1
May 8, 2018

not sure "black clipping" is a verb...

also - do you worry at all that you might be replaced by a Bizhub?

    • 1
May 8, 2018

you had to print 7 books and your sunday is owned?

    • 1
May 8, 2018

This is actually the most demoralising post I've ever read on this site. Am I really going to become someone who's sundays get "owned" by printing 2 files? And will the most important thing in my life really be to ensure that my MD's track changes colors match? Oh my....... =(

    • 1
May 8, 2018

must be an intern at piper if he's owned by this.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

why are you doing your own PnB anyways ?

    • 1
May 8, 2018

Owned is trying to go home for Easter weekend, realizing a week in advance it's not going to happen and cancelling your trip. Then your parents agree to come visit you for the weekend, which is great because the weekend is starting to look like it might not be that bad. Then on Friday at 4PM your group head shits all over your book (even though your VP, Director, MD and an MD in a product group all signed off on it), leaving you there until 2AM every night that weekend while your parents and significant other sit around all weekend waiting for you to show up to dinner.

7 color copies is not owned, sorry.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

look man...this wasn't supposed to be a "oneupsmanship" match..i was just pointing out that sometimes really mundane tasks come up that any regular person should be able to do..especially an MD...

plus, yes I had the same situation for easter weekend, I had to work on easter weekend, except I actually had real work to do...either ways im going to leave it at that, and just say that im sure you've had it much harder than i have

as for the other questions: yes im an intern (at the tail end of a 6 month internship) at a Bulge Bracket bank. Doing own PnB because MD refuses to type, etc.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

look intern you dont count yet as anything so stop complaining (wow, I totally sound like VP material)

    • 1
May 8, 2018

Printing books is sweet. Possibly the least intelligent thing that I do in a given week.

    • 1
Sep 21, 2018

Always a nice break from your "thought-leading" slide attempts getting shit on

    • 1
May 8, 2018

You should be grateful for having the opportunity to print your MD's books. Be sure to thank him for this valuable experience once you flipped through the pages in all copies to make sure the printing was done properly in each of them.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

The key is to find some other sucker to do your shitwork for you...oh wait, you're an intern...

    • 1
May 8, 2018

ratul...at least director material

all others who commented on "im an intern" - thanks so much, much appreciated

    • 1
May 8, 2018

-

    • 1
May 8, 2018

What division are you in? If you are "at the tail end of a 6 month internship) at a Bulge Bracket bank" I don't think you can be in ib, because I don't know any bb banks that offer intern programs outside of the summer or winternships.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

you know what I love. It's that slowly and slowly this kid is getting completely owned.

    • 1
May 8, 2018

I go to Northeastern University - 5 year school where we study for 6 months and work in the field for 6 months. Don't take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. www.neu.edu

and yes we do have programs at IB at bulge bracket banks. Id rather not name my bank, except that its a bulge bracket. im going to leave it at that, up to you to believe it or not.

Production refused to deal with it.

End of story..i was just trying to make a point, not have my working sunday be scrutinized to death. thanks for the interest anyways...

    • 1
May 8, 2018

Northeastern? You just owned yourself. And don't worry, people will be able to figure out what bank you're working at -- you must be the only NE grad who got a job at on Wall Street as an analyst.

May 8, 2018
leftover_salmon:

Northeastern? You just owned yourself. And don't worry, people will be able to figure out what bank you're working at -- you must be the only NE grad who got a job at on Wall Street as an analyst.

Thank You Mr. "Gods Gift to Earth"

    • 1
May 8, 2018

even if he is an intern, that is just sad

    • 1
May 8, 2018

-

    • 1
May 8, 2018

thank you for solving all of my problems...clearly i posted the email to let everyone know what a "tough guy" iam!!!

as far as being nice to production, my relationship with production is great..they just refuse to deal with other people's documents when the "track changes" feature is used multiple times (especially since its gone to the client and come back multiple times)..

im glad you fully analyzed the situation and were completely aware of my office dynamics before posting...much appreciated!

    • 1
May 8, 2018

-

    • 1
May 8, 2018

This thread has been locked at the request of the original poster.

Mar 3, 2018

"can you imagine what it's like fucking HER?" - sr MD to me about another MD

    • 2
Sep 21, 2018

"You can choose your own flavor of ice cream."

Mar 4, 2018

Averages are like bikinis. They seem to show you everything and get you excited, but they hide the essential parts.

    • 4
Sep 21, 2018

"Lets not boil the ocean here"

    • 1
Mar 4, 2018
crazylegs123:

Averages are like bikinis. They seem to show you everything and get you excited, but they hide the essential parts.

This one is great. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to maintain interest, but long enough to cover the subject"

    • 2
Mar 4, 2018

"these numbers don't look right. Have associate x revise them"

literally agreed with the numbers 36 hours before hand when i submitted v1 of the deck.

associate proceeds reply to same email chain 15 minutes later. "made a few changes. take a look"

MD likes the numbers now. Associate walks over and laughs about how he just forwarded the same deck on but changed the font to make it look different. no numbers were changed.

This is high finance.

    • 19
Sep 23, 2018

"wtf ER put a sell rating on our client" -my favourite

    • 1
Mar 12, 2018

This is fucking gold is what it is!

    • 1
Mar 4, 2018

MD's on the older side when referring to a good time for you and them to meet to go over some work related matters, documents, etc. Particularly during a crazy period when everyone is super busy.

"I'll be free around 4pm today. Swing by my office and that will be a good time for us to hook up."

Sure bro.

    • 1
Mar 4, 2018

HAHAHAHA

    • 1
Mar 5, 2018

Kick the tires

Mar 6, 2018

This is a copy paste from a few minutes ago:

"Can u print this report plse"

    • 1
Mar 7, 2018
    • 1
Mar 7, 2018
Mar 7, 2018

You think I can be the MVP without practicing? -Allen Iverson

    • 2
Mar 11, 2018
Mar 11, 2018
Mar 12, 2018
    • 1