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Comments (129)

Feb 21, 2018 - 1:09pm

"pls show client resurgence in industry"
"get creative this isn't a science"
"wtf ER put a sell rating on our client"
"get that guy back from vacation"
"make better"

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

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Mar 1, 2018 - 10:41pm

Mentor is a former MD at 2 tier bank, BIG 4 by assets... he says shit like this all the time

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker
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Feb 28, 2018 - 12:31pm

From 10 minutes ago, without having explained the context of this assignment at all:

"I WAS THINKING MAINLY x. IF THERE ARE y'S, MAYBE WE PUT THOSE IN TOO? THINK ABOUT IT AND COME BACK TO ME. I WANT THIS TO BE USERFRIENDLY"

Others

"I find it hard to believe..."

After confirming that I have closed the loop on a huge headache that I managed to shield him from entirely:

"Cool"

Array

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Feb 28, 2018 - 12:52pm

I've seen this MD paradox posted around the internet: "Don't spend all night on this champ, but I need this on my desk first thing in the morning"

Carl Van Loon Van Loon & Associates
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Mar 5, 2018 - 6:10pm

TRIGGERED.

"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing"
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Feb 28, 2018 - 1:09pm

"Please change this slide" to fucking what?
"Guys our slides need more pop I am thinking our presentations should look more mckinsey'esque"
" plz find (vague description of file) for me" * MD refused access to the team server because he didn't feel he should be looking for a file

Feb 28, 2018 - 1:22pm

"your raise will be effective when you are"

"Son, life is hard. But it's harder if you're stupid." - my dad
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Feb 28, 2018 - 1:38pm

"She's built like brick shithouse, but the face could stop a freight train."

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself."
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Mar 2, 2018 - 12:14pm

It was used to describe a Cocktail Waitress. It implies that she has an amazing body but an ugly face. We all had to ask because we had not idea wtf he said.

Apparently...
A brick Shit-house - implies that the utility is over-engineered.
Face that could stop a freight train - Self explanatory

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself."
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Mar 2, 2018 - 1:12pm

"Her face could make a freight train take a dirt road"

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Mar 3, 2018 - 9:01pm

Lots of cricket references....
1. "Play a straight bat"
2. "It's a bit of a sticky wicket"
3. "Let's bowl them an outside ball and see if they bat it back"
4. "They need to step up to the crease"

Standard IBD ones...
1. "Run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes"
2. "There's a smell of burning bridges here but I think they were already on fire"
3. "You can't put shit back in the donkey"
4. "We're going over for a fireside chat"
5. "We're in receive mode here"
6. "We need to sharpen the pencil"
7. "This is proper cavalier investment banking"
8. "Let's draw a line in the sand"
9. "Here's a starter for 10"
10. "We need to be inside the tent"

And some more amusing ones...
1. "You know what they say about divorce. Doubles the cost and halves the balance sheet"
2. "There's a lot of women who can get people to give them money but it doesn't make them good at equity sales"
3. "Apparently the Dubai version of [well known real estate agent] is looking to float. What are they selling? A 2 bed tent with space for camel parking?"

Bonus one from me to the CEO at the Christmas party after a few too many:
1. "Can I have $150 budget to go out drinking afterwards?"

Mar 1, 2018 - 10:42pm

"ok ok k... cradle the pitch to me and rock it back and forth until it like doesn't cry and smell like poop"

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker
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Mar 2, 2018 - 12:22pm

"There is no try, there is only do" (this one earned him a nickname, no prizes for guessing what)
"We need to be in bed with our clients"
"Exercise relationship capital"

All of these are from the same MD, so he clearly has some practice.

Mar 12, 2018 - 5:21pm

"Daddy big bucks"
"Quit sucking and blowing and get back to the model"
"Big action"
"Let's barf these ideas out into a deck"
"He's sweating like a whore in church"
"Muckity muck"
"We're the 800 pound gorilla - make sure they know"
"We did pretty much everything for them except drop our skirts and say insert here"
"Just because you have someone bent over doesn't mean you need to stick something sharp up their ass"
"Get him on the blower"

May 8, 2018 - 4:16pm

"Too many words, this literally needs to be a children's book"

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May 8, 2018 - 7:18pm

MD's being MD's (Originally Posted: 06/03/2007)

The type of E-mail you strive to receive from an MD:

Please print 4 sets of the attached documents in color(staple each doc and black clip each set).

Also, please print 3 set in color of the Friday night draft( staple each doc and black clip each set).

I expect to be in the office by 4:30pm today.

Thanks.

My Sunday = Owned

May 8, 2018 - 7:24pm

This is actually the most demoralising post I've ever read on this site. Am I really going to become someone who's sundays get "owned" by printing 2 files? And will the most important thing in my life really be to ensure that my MD's track changes colors match? Oh my....... =(

May 8, 2018 - 7:27pm

Owned is trying to go home for Easter weekend, realizing a week in advance it's not going to happen and cancelling your trip. Then your parents agree to come visit you for the weekend, which is great because the weekend is starting to look like it might not be that bad. Then on Friday at 4PM your group head shits all over your book (even though your VP, Director, MD and an MD in a product group all signed off on it), leaving you there until 2AM every night that weekend while your parents and significant other sit around all weekend waiting for you to show up to dinner.

7 color copies is not owned, sorry.

May 8, 2018 - 7:31pm

You should be grateful for having the opportunity to print your MD's books. Be sure to thank him for this valuable experience once you flipped through the pages in all copies to make sure the printing was done properly in each of them.

May 8, 2018 - 7:37pm

I go to Northeastern University - 5 year school where we study for 6 months and work in the field for 6 months. Don't take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. www.neu.edu

and yes we do have programs at IB at bulge bracket banks. Id rather not name my bank, except that its a bulge bracket. im going to leave it at that, up to you to believe it or not.

Production refused to deal with it.

End of story..i was just trying to make a point, not have my working sunday be scrutinized to death. thanks for the interest anyways...

May 8, 2018 - 7:42pm

thank you for solving all of my problems...clearly i posted the email to let everyone know what a "tough guy" iam!!!

as far as being nice to production, my relationship with production is great..they just refuse to deal with other people's documents when the "track changes" feature is used multiple times (especially since its gone to the client and come back multiple times)..

im glad you fully analyzed the situation and were completely aware of my office dynamics before posting...much appreciated!

Sep 21, 2018 - 11:17am

"You can choose your own flavor of ice cream."

Quant (ˈkwänt) n: An expert, someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

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Mar 4, 2018 - 12:42pm

"these numbers don't look right. Have associate x revise them"

literally agreed with the numbers 36 hours before hand when i submitted v1 of the deck.

associate proceeds reply to same email chain 15 minutes later. "made a few changes. take a look"

MD likes the numbers now. Associate walks over and laughs about how he just forwarded the same deck on but changed the font to make it look different. no numbers were changed.

This is high finance.

Mar 4, 2018 - 9:42pm

MD's on the older side when referring to a good time for you and them to meet to go over some work related matters, documents, etc. Particularly during a crazy period when everyone is super busy.

"I'll be free around 4pm today. Swing by my office and that will be a good time for us to hook up."

Sure bro.

We're not lawyers. We're investment bankers. We didn't go to Harvard. We Went to Wharton!
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Mar 7, 2018 - 9:21am

"Let's make this look sexy"
"It's going to be a beauty contest this pitch"
"It's all about doing the big swinging dick show"

Array

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Mar 7, 2018 - 2:03pm

"Have that report to me by EOB today".
Calls your desk at 4:05pm "Are you finished yet? I want to get home at a descent hour"
Not yet, almost done.
"What's taking so long all the data is already there"

You think I can be the MVP without practicing? -Allen Iverson
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Jan 4, 2020 - 3:49pm

"I'm getting drunk right now you can handle it."

"Wife just bitched at me so we are going to Paris for two weeks. Don't call me so I can salvage my yearly blowjob."

"Don't put this on the card. This is a well known strip club."

Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum
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