GS Personal statement

Hey guys!

would anyone care to review my personal statement for Goldman Sachs? I would endlessly appreciate it!
Please tell me anything you can think off to make it better! So here it goes:

"My name is XXX and I am a Bocconi MSc Finance graduate. I learnt about Goldman Sachs through professor XXX, country coordinator for XXX, and my friend XXX (Securities Analyst, London). I am applying for an M&A analyst position with Goldman Sachs because I want to be under the influence of disrupters to learn from and become more like them. In the past, I have demonstrated a readiness to go the extra-mile for

• My team. In DCM, having no prior VBA experience, I studied the topic and built a VBA-based tool that pulled data from Bloomberg and organized it in a presentable format in Excel to be copy-pasted into PowerPoint. This tool saved the team approx. 5 hours of work before any pitch and prevented wrong numbers from getting into pitchbooks presented to clients, which had happened just during my first week on that job.
• Clients. In DCM as well as DD, I worked on pitchbooks that were used in roadshows and brought in new clients. Seeing how inefficient [Big 4 name]’s tool was for updating DD reports in PowerPoint after new numbers came in, I drafted a new tool that would speed up the process by 1-2 days and forwarded it to [Big 4 name]’s global IT. Not only was it greatly appreciated by everyone on my team – it actually benefitted every employee at [Big 4 name] worldwide.
• My projects. As a PE intern, I supported the deal team in creating various reporting documents to the investment committee and investors and built multi-scenario buy-out models that were then actually used for submitting non-binding offers. I developed my own scenarios based on data I found on the company and market.

I am confident that these skills, experiences and attitudes will let me thrive at Goldman Sachs and look forward to hearing from you."

What do you guys think?