Handling the Breakup - Never been good with these things

We'll this girl I have been dating for a while finally called it quits yesterday on our relationship. Out of the blue she just texted me and pretty much said it is over. Still stings and honestly just want to vent a few feelings.

  1. I get that as a banker I am a busy individual, but I truly did make time for this relationship. I would try and have daily calls and focus on trying to spend at least one night a week together. granted sometimes these were very sleep deprived interactions, but 80-90% of the time I would give all my attention (and if I couldn't I would tell her that I had a longer week than usual to giver a heads up if I was going to be tired). IDK if this is the source of the problem, but I am sure it doesn't help.

  2. She choose to not have a conversation with me about how she was feeling. She felt that I was just using her for sex and rather than ask what we were, she just decided to break up. This hurt the most because I seem to struggle with sharing my emotions a lot of the time. So unless prompted it doesn't come naturally to me. This has been the source of my last few breakups and it just stinks that I can't ever seem to find the balance to get this factor of dating right. I really did think we were just taking it slow.

  3. It really does frustrate me because it keeps happening. I am just a normal dude trying to do some good things in the world and find a relationship. I generally feel that I am a good guy and I feel like I keep getting passed on. To paint the picture, I workout/in good shape, I'm not short (over 6ft), I actually have a couple hobbies outside of work, and when given the opportunity I like to volunteer for an arts program. I feel like sometimes I can be a little dense in the head, but most of the time I can hold pretty good conversation with anyone. It feels like I am doing a lot of things correctly and still miss the mark in the dating realm.

Some words of wisdom, or any thoughts would be appreciated.

WSO Elite Modeling Package

  • 6 courses to mastery: Excel, Financial Statement, LBO, M&A, Valuation and DCF
  • Elite instructors from top BB investment banks and private equity megafunds
  • Includes Company DB + Video Library Access (1 year)

Comments (80)

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 1:01pm

It seems like this is always the solution.  I just don't know what I want to do next.  

Learn More

300+ video lessons across 6 modeling courses taught by elite practitioners at the top investment banks and private equity funds -- Excel Modeling -- Financial Statement Modeling -- M&A Modeling -- LBO Modeling -- DCF and Valuation Modeling -- ALL INCLUDED + 2 Huge Bonuses.

Learn more
Jul 6, 2021 - 1:09pm

It's for the best if she couldn't share how she was feeling and goes straight to breaking up...you wan't someone you can have tough conversations with and attempt to work things out instead of throwing the life boat over the side (assuming everything she said was true..)

Sucks to hear and sucks even more to live it .. but was meant to be will be. 

  • Research Associate in ER
Jul 6, 2021 - 1:31pm

Sorry to hear this and hope you're doing alright. This isn't a mystery though since she gave you a valid reason: she felt you were using her for sex. From what you've written it sounds like that wasn't how you felt, but how you came off. If you struggle with expressing your feelings for people (through words, gestures, etc.), maybe give therapy a try. Emotional intelligence is such an important life skill that is so often overlooked.

I could be off base since I only know what you've written, but also I believe everyone can benefit from working on their EI.

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 1:42pm

Yes,  I see your point.  and I will admit that a romantic EI and and public/group can be very different.  I mean why do we see so many MD's that go through divorces, but can work a room or run a meeting really well.  

Jul 8, 2021 - 2:15am

This rings true given he said that she told him she felt like he was using her for sex. People are bound to feel this way if you appear to have little time for them.

Some suggestions: if you have trouble expressing yourself in person or verbally try going old school and writing a love letter or a poem and sending flowers during the week. If you are a financier, likely you are good at writing so play to your strengths. This will be unusual and show an interest that is deeper than just meeting for sex. Apart from that I am not sure what you can do given your schedule. It's important to keep doing what you were doing as far as explaining your schedule so she knows you are serious. Eventually you should find the person that understands this. But all relationships take work. It might be that you need to date someone either equally busy who can therefore understand, try a long distance relationship, or find someone who is happy to take things slowly and is fine with seeing each other once a week to once a fortnight or whatever is manageable.

Last bit of advice, which may or may not be applicable, is if you don't want her to think you only want sex do not have sex every time you see each other or at least do not make the first move for sex every time. Make sure you mix in some romantic dates out and about and don't just meet at each others' apartments.

Jul 6, 2021 - 2:38pm

We are supporting you. Don't overthink it, these type of things can happen. Despite being a banker, which meant that you had constant pressure on your shoulders and worked a lot, still tried to maintain relationship. Hope things after this break-up will result not in bad but in good outcomes for both of you. For me, the obscure was that why did she not talk you about some problems in your relationship and instead, just declared break-up. It would be much more better if you both could logically talk about what type of things in the relationship wasn't satisfactory for her. Also, I wonder whether you noticed the changes in her overall mood over last weeks. Probably she have thought about breaking-up at least 3 days before declaring it which means you could feel what is happening or she just found smth/reflected about relationship + emotions to declare break-up. In any case, it is good of you to share your feelings here because you may be overly-emotional after the break-up which means you can act impulsively. Sharing your feelings frees you up from the impulsive thoughts, so your decision-making will be much more better.

However, she had a reason. Maybe your intentions weren't like that, however she may see it like that. As previous comment states, caring and loving from heart is not enough, you need to show it and make a person next to you see it explicitly. Intention is very important in relationship, and perceived lack of it results in the not good outcomes.

In conclusion, I hope everthing will be good for both of you.

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 2:57pm

Thats why I vent here rather than to my brother or parents.  Even though they are there for me, I feel like they just don't understand the IB world sometimes.  Thank you for the helpful words.  

Jul 6, 2021 - 4:11pm

Eh to be honest, any girl or guy for that matter who just cuts off a relationship seemingly out of the blue isnt someone who would be worth your time down the line anyway. Either she wasnt into it and just wanted to cut it off as quickly and cleanly as possible OR she wasnt even a decent communicator and had some issues with the relationship, never relayed those issues to you and expected you to fix them, and used it as those issues as a cop out to break up. Best advice I can give is just to move on, realize that you didnt really lose anything worth losing here (which you didnt) and just get back out there. As people have said above, take on some new or old hobbies and dive into those. This is two fold since 1. its something you enjoy and can help you move on and forward and 2. best relationships come from people with similar interests, this is a way to meet some new people. Last thing would be to learn from the past relationships if this keeps happening, there is always something you can improve on and learn from down the line, this is especially true with bankers and others with demanding schedules. 

  • 5
  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 5:46pm

Yeah we had a lot of similar interest which is why I thought we connected well.  But,  oh well.  Yeah I guess its just going to probably happen more in IB than not.

  • VP in RE - Comm
Jul 6, 2021 - 5:03pm

I know it sucks. My best advice is to delete her number and to stop following her on social media. Break off all contact and any temptation of reaching out or checking up on her. It may sound extreme but it makes getting over her much easier. Be happy it happened, learn from any mistakes, and always know there are plenty of other people out there. 

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 5:40pm

Yeah I need to do that.  She was being all wishy washy and I just need to not entertain an idea of her coming back. If you don't want me today what makes you want me tomorrow.  

Jul 6, 2021 - 5:46pm

Honestly, I'd try and reach out to her with how you're feeling.  If she thought you were using her for sex and you're this hurt, there was probably a big misunderstanding.  

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 5:57pm

We did text about it a bit and some of the facts she had were wrong.  Like for example she thought I hadn't told my family about her and I had in fact.  but I couldn't even get her to call or sit down for a coffee.  

Jul 6, 2021 - 9:20pm

Sorry bro, hate to see it. Got any close friends around that you can just go and be yourself around? I mean like real true friends, not acquaintances. Grab them and do some fun stuff. Whether that be drinking, clubbing, hiking, hitting the gym, boating, sports, whatever. I'm honestly gonna push back on the whole idea of finding a hobby to help move on. I really never felt like it actually works. If anyone has example pls share lol. Having been there before, you're not gonna move on as quickly if you're alone, even if you immerse yourself in a new interest or whatever. You're just not. Like you'll be thinking about her just as much is you're cooking or whatever else people do vs if you were just flopped in bed doing nothing. Friends are the best medicine. Soon you will get into a routine with them and be back on the scene better than ever. Probably doesn't work for everyone but works for me. If you dont have good friends nearby, pls disregard, or at least if you have to find a hobby, find one that specifically involves other people from pretty much day one.

Also lowkey wanna slide me that orange chicken recipe? Looking for something reminiscent of take-out chinese food to add to my healthy meal regimen and I couldn't really figure out the right combo to make it slap.

Dayman?
  • 5
Most Helpful
  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 6, 2021 - 11:15pm

Also lowkey wanna slide me that orange chicken recipe? Looking for something reminiscent of take-out chinese food to add to my healthy meal regimen and I couldn't really figure out the right combo to make it slap.

Damn you really read the whole damn thread.  I appreciate that.  

The Orange chicken recipe: Follows something like this. *Disclaimer I find it hard to bread chicken and keep it "healthly" so I forgo the breading, but baked breading can help cut down on calories and keep a healthier profile .  

- about 2 fresh naval oranges and zest 

- 1 of the following oranges based on type of flavoring preference 

- - Seville oranges for all around good orange taste 

- -  Tangrines for sweeter taste 

- two tablespoons of sweet rice cooking seasoning -  This replaces sugar in a normal recipe can cut up to about 40%-60% of sugar down based on how sweet you want your sauce

- Mince Garlic and ginger 

-about 3 table spoons of soy suace I go low sodium soy sauce but that is because I get enough salt from other places in my diet feel free to use full strength/non-low sodium

- a splash or rice wine vinegar and  sesame oil.  

- some red pepper flakes

I really don't measure anymore I just mix and match till  the taste is right.  

Jul 6, 2021 - 11:47pm

Daaaamn bro u the goat!! I'll try it out. I really only ever knew how to make various pasta dishes because of my parents, so trying to cook healthy for myself has been a struggle. Been making these super lean beef crunchwraps I saw on TikTok. Kinda bomb and easy for meal prep. But besides that and salads, gotta spice up the lunch/dinner routine. Don't really wanna do pastas because of the carbs and time commitment to making the sauce and potentially handrolling if I choose to make my own.

Also best of luck, hope what I and others said helps and hope you feel better about the situation soon. 

Dayman?
  • 2
Jul 8, 2021 - 2:15pm

+SB 

Sounds good

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jul 7, 2021 - 1:56am

I dunno if it's cause I'm reading it so late at night but that was the most chill af thread I ever read. Bros helping bros, some recipe/fitness talk, good vibes. Good read.
OP - Just like your IB career, keep a long term view regarding this breakup. In 20 years your love life is going to be dramatically different and this girl is gonna be the last worry on your mind. 
Go through the emotions and feel the sting, but don't let it get so deep that it's affecting how you feel about life and who you are. Recognize this as a real bummer, but keep it in perspective and don't let it be more important than it is. 

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 7, 2021 - 4:30pm

Yeah everything is long term.  But there are short term swings that can hurt.  I generally won't change my path for many people, and this one wasn't one to change the path for at this point in time.  

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Cov
Jul 7, 2021 - 9:00pm

I'm going to generalize but I feel a lot of guys would benefit so much if they just had one or two people whom you could go to to talk about how you feel. The fact that this is a pattern for you means that you're probably not great at communicating emotions and (once again generalizing) guys I've dated mostly struggle to communicate cause they don't really know what they're feeling. 

I've been the girl in a very similar situation (I'm definitely projecting my experience onto yours so it's very possible that it doesn't apply at all) but there was a time where he was generally confused as to what he wanted, and that's when I got the vibe that he just wasn't really into it. By the time he figured it out, I had moved on, and initiated the breakup. 

I think women have a whole network of girlfriends we turn to who grill us on "what does he mean to you", "where do you see this going" and those questions are in our heads so much earlier than for guys. its like a missed high-five. Idk man I'm rambling but imo it would definitely help to just initiate this sort of conversation with a couple of close friends. 

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 8, 2021 - 10:36am

This advice is really helpful.  I think the that probably is the problem is especially doing IB is that its hard to sit down with people and then when you do they don't necessarily want to talk deep because you are all just trying to even catchup.  I will say if she started a conversation about "what are we?" I probably would have continued to date her AKA I enjoyed dating her and could have seen us being together in the long term.  Just out of curiosity did you ever have that conversation with him because I was more disappointed that this girl didn't even have to have that conversation with me.  

Jul 21, 2021 - 2:49am

I was in your position a year ago. Partner dated me for benefits and never truly loved me even though I did. Literally stole my money, stole my credit card, tried having sex with my friends, cheated on me with multiple people behind my back, threatened to harm me when I found out, and just squeezed me dry however he could.

Only thing that helped me move on was time and focusing on improving myself and my life. Heard that he became a jobless nobody loser who does nothing with his life except destroy his own body with alcohol and drugs. And frankly speaking I don't even care whether he lives or die now because that's how over the whole thing I am.

What I learnt is that dating is not worth it unless you love the person to the end of the earth and you're sure the other person also has equally strong mutual feeling for you. Otherwise it is just a waste of time and one is better off spending it being happily alone. Less heartache less headache less bullshit that way.

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 21, 2021 - 12:18pm

Yeah,  See I would like to have a family and an actual relationship, but that seems hard nowadays.  

Jul 21, 2021 - 2:36pm

I have absolutely zero idea how to find dates who are actually even half serious so I just mentally tapped out of the whole dating game all together. To the point now that I genuinely have no interest in anyone. Rather focus on my education and career so that I can eventually build a life I would be proud of. Getting attached to someone at such a deep emotional level scares me as one would be opening up themselves to a great amount of possible risk and pain. I'd rather keep my heart to safe with myself.

Jul 21, 2021 - 6:30pm

Ea cumque provident consectetur aut distinctio sed laudantium expedita. Sed voluptatem vero vitae autem. Voluptatem eius unde quia quaerat et necessitatibus vel. Reiciendis aut omnis vitae voluptates.

Aut commodi explicabo sint ratione. Enim eligendi quia et pariatur.

Voluptatem laudantium nihil odio enim corporis. Sapiente ut rerum at nihil. Mollitia dolorum sit delectus expedita necessitatibus. Occaecati ut et non asperiores enim.

  • Analyst 2 in IB - Cov
Jul 21, 2021 - 8:38pm

Vitae est impedit culpa. Quia accusantium cupiditate voluptas atque qui sed quia. Eum quaerat doloribus cumque quis ad ullam et id. Autem numquam rerum consectetur excepturi.

Quia eos veritatis molestiae voluptatum laudantium possimus amet. Aperiam et omnis dolorum totam dicta. Fuga corporis voluptatum perspiciatis totam quia consectetur. Reiciendis officia aut sunt odio.

Jul 21, 2021 - 8:53pm

Ut similique eveniet accusantium. Eos dicta aperiam consequatur corporis dicta et aut sit. Autem impedit cumque nobis eligendi hic eius. Reprehenderit dolorum est voluptatibus neque libero omnis. Fuga est et omnis quia et veniam rerum.

Quasi enim nam corrupti saepe voluptas voluptatem. Perferendis eum et eos itaque ratione. Praesentium et aut atque ducimus modi animi.

Autem nostrum fugiat pariatur ea itaque et non neque. Velit omnis similique quaerat qui nemo quis voluptatum delectus. Blanditiis quia nobis earum nostrum expedita ea.

Start Discussion

Total Avg Compensation

September 2021 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (10) $853
  • Vice President (39) $363
  • Associates (220) $232
  • 2nd Year Analyst (135) $154
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (30) $147
  • Intern/Summer Associate (103) $143
  • 1st Year Analyst (489) $135
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (378) $82