Hinge Reluctance

I'm trying to determine my thoughts on my aversion to online dating. I'm a low-to-mid 20s dude who has never had a girlfriend. Surely I'm not handsome enough that women are throwing themselves at me left and right, but I attribute a good bit of my singleness to my own volition. I've never put much effort into finding or pursuing a girl, out of both fear of rejection and simply because I've never found that path to be particularly desirable (it's unclear the weightings of each reason). That is, my life is pretty neat without the ups and downs of a significant other, in that I have a good job and aspirations, close friends and family, and unique and time consuming hobbies (I never feel lonely or bored).

That being said, I do hop on hinge maybe 1-2 times a year just to remind myself that I could get a girl if I wanted to. I get a number of matches of women I find attractive, but that's where it stops. I never message them back. And a couple weeks later, my profile is gone and I resume my normal life.

That brings me to right now- I have a number of legit attractive women sitting in my hinge message inbox with the ball sitting in my court and I'm not sure what I should do. Certainly, I wouldn't expect all of them to blossom into relationships, but it's a start. I'm not sure if I don't respond because maybe I'm afraid they won't reply, or if I simply haven't much desire to talk to them in the first place.

Anyone have any ideas on how to sort this out in my mind? Pizz?

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Comments (27)

  • Associate 2 in PE - LBOs
Nov 16, 2021 - 2:57pm

Sounds like you are insecure in your ability to actually close (whether that be hook up or date) with these girls so you are choosing to avoid pursuing altogether to avoid rejection. Life is full of rejection and dating is mostly a numbers game at the end of the day, so you should go on a handful of dates if you're interested - just don't have any expectations at the outset. 

Dec 1, 2021 - 12:58pm

This.  I just go on dates to new bars I want to try.  My focus is quite frankly on the bar rather than the girls. I mean if something goes well great, maybe something will happen, but at the end of the day I just get an experience for myself.  

  • Analyst 3+ in RE - Comm
Nov 16, 2021 - 3:05pm

I've used the apps a bunch and have done well, and I've determined that they are generally a waste of time for me at this point in my life. I know people have met great S/O's on the apps but the reality is any hot chick who has options / worth dating won't be on the apps. Think about the hot girls in your circle from college / high school...how many of them have ever been on a Hinge date?

I used them when I lived in an area where I knew nobody / right out of college to get in as much dating as I could and for that it was good. But I'm also a mid 20's guy and looking for a relationship and I think the apps just aren't it. Meet girls through friends, at bars, the gym. Girls don't want to meet guys on the apps. Sure you can get some matches and probably bang a 6 from the apps but ehh I'm over all that. Go shoot your shot in person and I think you'll have better results 

  • Intern in IB-M&A
Nov 17, 2021 - 12:10am

Super dumb question but how tf do you shoot your shot on a random girl in person without being a creep? Like don't these girls just wanna do their thing without being hit on?

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  • Analyst 3+ in RE - Comm
Nov 17, 2021 - 6:51am

Super dumb question but how tf do you shoot your shot on a random girl in person without being a creep? Like don't these girls just wanna do their thing without being hit on?

You have to talk to them and gauge if they are interested. Don't just interrupt some random girl at the gym and ask her for her number. But if you see her regularly, maybe strike up a conversation and see if she's engaged. Same at bars - go talk to chicks and you'll be able to tell if they are remotely interested. You don't have to "hit on" someone every time you open your mouth to talk to the opposite sex. Have you talked to a woman before bro? 

Nov 17, 2021 - 6:47am

Afraid they won't reply? I don't mean this in a bad way, but honestly you sound a bit insecure. Unless you are a giga-chad with 10/10 looks, realistically you are going to flame out a lot online - a lot of girls won't match with you, and of those only some will reply, and of those some will lose interest after a few messages. If you're not prepared for that then maybe you're not ready for online dating.

The thing I'd ask though about rejection is - so what? I mean in pure statistical terms, online dating/apps are really a woman's game - even moderately attractive girls are deluged with attention from guys. So even if you're a decent-looking guy, she might not reply as someone better has messaged her instead. But so what? Doesn't mean you're a "loser" or you failed (unless you genuinely think you're Brad Pitt in terms of looks).

Also bear in mind that on apps almost no-one reads the profile stuff, it's all so generic (I like travelling/having fun etc). So the only thing a girl has to base it on is looks - you might be a really nice/funny/charming guy and that 10/10 looks guy could be super-boring, but she's not comparing you in real life so won't have a chance to make that comparison. That's why personally for me I do much better chatting to girls in bars than online (decent looking guy but I'm no stud/chad). But online is great for the convenience.

So in summary - I would just say go for it, what have you got to lose? Imagine if the situation was reversed and you were inundated with messages from super-hot models - you might get a message from a 7/10 "girl next door" type and not reply. Does that mean she's some ugly waste of space that will never find a man? Of course not. Same applies to guys when messaging women (given how much attention girls get online).

Good luck OP - message them and have fun! Worse case you've wasted a few minutes of your life lol, hardly a big deal 

Nov 17, 2021 - 11:05am

I don't think any of us can help you out unless you figure out what you want first. Your post is all over the place and you need to first decide if:

1. I want to date women now even though I don't have a ton of experience with them

2. I am happy with my life and don't feel the need to pursue a woman yet (or ever) unless she literally falls into my lap

If it's option 1 - I don't really see what the problem is. You're getting matches, so just fucking message them if you want to? I hate to break it to you dude, but unless you're top-tier looks, most of these matches will fizzle out really quickly for no reason or won't respond at all anyway. Hell, even if you get to the date stage, you could still get flaked on or the girl decides she doesn't want a second date even when you thought things were going well.

Most of this shit is just trial and error plus luck. If there were a surefire way to get dates/sex, incel/red pill culture wouldn't exist because every guy would follow that advice to the letter. If you want to date now, just put yourself out there and accept there will be LOTS of failure, but that's not a knock on you. If you're getting some matches on the apps, it means you're probably at least decent looks-wise. There's unfortunately a large number of guys who aren't hideous but get basically nothing because they're very average-looking and the apps are heavily skewed in a woman's favor.

If it's option 2 - frankly, again I don't see what the problem is? Keep doing you and stop worrying about what other people may think about you for not being tied down perhaps? Relationships are nice sometimes, but they can also be a lot of work/headache too. Don't let dudes fool you into thinking their GF is an angel and it's all roses and sunshine when she's around.

Most Helpful
Nov 17, 2021 - 1:20pm

Buddy, as a late bloomer myself I know exactly how it feels. But the thing is, you need dating experience and you need it fast. You do NOT want to enter adulthood at 30+ with no to little experience on having a relationship. With your income (you post here afterall) you will be ripe for the fucking picking from any divorcee with claws in a 50 mile radius 

You have to go into this accepting that you dont know how to talk with, interact with, escalate, close, date, etc. women - and that's ok. Go into this BEING PREPARED to fail. You will:

- fall for a girl faster than they fall for you (especially given your lack of history)

- get ghosted

- say stuff you cringe at

- have your heart ripped out from you

- plan stupid dates that she may or may not appreciate

- have awkward sexual encounters

-etc. etc.

But know that this is just you getting caught up to speed. It will suck but if you go into each interaction knowing that you may embarrass yourself AND be willing to learn from it, and improve, then you can become a casanova VERY quick. The best part about dating apps is the volume, that previously would have been unavailable. The good news is you have girls reaching out on Hinge , that means something. That means you have looks. The rest that you dont have (aka what do I do next) can be learned. But you have to be willing to take it on the chin, and you have to be willing to do so now. There are some thing that can be forgiven at 20-25 (aka never having a real relationship) that wont be at 30+

Happy to provide more advice if needed. Was in your shoes once. 

Nov 17, 2021 - 3:44pm

Hinge sucks. Go on Tinder.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Nov 17, 2021 - 6:19pm

Pay someone from India to respond and message your matches. Outsourcing will save you time. 

Kidding aside, just message a few and go in with low expectations so you wont get your heart or ego broken. 

  • Associate 1 in RE - Comm
Nov 17, 2021 - 6:41pm

I used to make a pledge manage my account. He did a fantastic job to boot.

Nov 18, 2021 - 7:33am

if there ever was a course to teach male rationalisation, you'd be the instructor

you are just a giant pussy, you don't "have minimal desire to talk to them in the first place" or "I just don't want to, but if I wanted I really could bro" or otherwise all the hot babes you could fuck sitting in you hinge inbox won't prompt you writing huge ass paragraphs on Internet forums. 

stop being a pussy and grow some balls

Nov 18, 2021 - 9:44am

Learning not to rationalize your bad decisions is one of the biggest steps an individual can make in their personal development. I'd argue most men/people dont make it at all. Average person loves to be coddled and also not feel the weight of their decisions. What they dont realize is this strips them of agency.

Good post

Nov 18, 2021 - 10:29am

The way your post reads, it sounds like you've never even bothered hooking up. Are you a virgin? Because that could be your problem right there. You're just scared of the unknown. I hope I'm reading your post wrong and you hook up, just don't seriously date, because early twenties is prime sex time.

As to the apps, it's just a reflection of life. Very few girls have that unicorn combo of hot, wealthy family or good job, kind, loyal and are single right when you are.

Most have some serious flaw or shortcoming, just as if you walked into a bar. I think apps should be used to supplement your dating avenues, not just the only avenue.

They worked out great for me. I worked in finance so didn't have lots of free time. I'm good at making guy friends but most girls initially find me arrogant or aloof and I also felt awkward randomly approaching women, so meeting at bars only worked the few times a bold girl asked me to dance. But the apps served up girls left and right. It helped I am normal height, skinny and good looking, but even my shirt and tubby friends had luck.

You also meet girls online you never would have crossed paths with on real life. I got to go on dates with part time models, a billionaire's daughter and a Swedish exchange student. I never would have run into these girls in real life, so apps are really cool that way.

And who cares how you meet your wife as long as you meet her. Like someone said, it's a numbers game and you can't get hit by the luck truck if you're not constantly walking in the street.

Nov 18, 2021 - 6:44pm

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