How Can I Prove that I'm the Biggest Hardo at my Non-Target?

CertifiedHardo's picture
Rank: Baboon | 144

I already have 3 patagucci vests (1 monogrammed, 2 vanilla) with my 1987 thinkpad coming in the mail, my JUUL is custom engraved with "SHORT VIX", and I have "Incoming Interviewer for Goldman Sachs Risk Management Division in New Jersey" on my LinkedIn Premium profile. What else can I do prove my dominance at my local college and leverage my superiority to network into a BB?

Comments (44)

May 4, 2019

Bro sick set up, but you're definitely going to need some sleds. They'll make you look like a true hardo at super days. They will also increase your hardo level by 300 basis points.

    • 9
May 4, 2019

i came here to shit on people but this thread is funny. all lyall fucks can have plantains

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/

    • 4
May 17, 2019
GoldenCinderblock:

i came here to shit on people but this thread is funny. all lyall fucks can have plantains

SB haha

forreal though - good start to the thread ... I expected less

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jun 1, 2019

ahah you're funny

Funniest
May 5, 2019

literally only refer to numbers in basis points.

    • 71
Learn More

Side-by-side comparison of top modeling training courses + exclusive discount through WSO here.

May 5, 2019

Literally lol'd. + 1 SB for the bips

May 5, 2019

literally

May 6, 2019

+100 SB bps

May 8, 2019

"The company is trading at a 300 basis point revenue multiple to arrive at a 30 billion basis point value, in USD"

    • 8
May 10, 2019

How do I know somebody like that from my school who wound up in consumer credit risk lmao

May 5, 2019

Work experience on LinkedIn: Options Trader @ Robinhood.
-beat S&P 500 YTD returns by 50 fold in one trade

    • 15
May 5, 2019

HAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHA

May 6, 2019

Inspired by something I've seen on LinkedIn: Investment Banking Summer Analyst Candidate @ Goldman Sachs for 2020.

    • 4
May 10, 2019

Typical due dilligence includes reading reddit threads and stocktwits

May 6, 2019

1) When a professor says something that you disagree with, begin your rebuttal with "well according to the industry professionals at wallstreetoasis.com...."

2) cc your classmates when you send networking emails so they know the type of BSDs you associate with

3) refer to your food budget as a seamless allowance

4) decorate your dorm room with posters if IB league tables

5) force yourself to become LGBT for the sole reason of gaining access to BB diversity initiatives

I'm a fun guy. Obviously I love the game of basketball. I mean there's more questions you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself

    • 17
Most Helpful
May 6, 2019
  • Ferragamo or Gucci loafers, plus a tacky fake Hermes H-buckle belt.
  • Always wear a suit
  • FB profile pic of Gordon Gekko or Jordan Belfort
  • Contrast collar shirt w/french cuffs
  • Bright socks. Extra points for matching suspenders (if you don't want to splurge on the H-buckle belt)
  • A metric ton of cologne
  • Fake gold Rollie
  • And of course, a medium length slicked back haircut.
    • 8
May 7, 2019

Better make those monk straps if you're going for risk.

    • 3
May 7, 2019

You gotta put your Summer 2020 gig on your LinkedIn, I shit you not the other day I saw:

"Incoming 2020 Investment Banking Summer Analyst at [EB]"

You know, so people don't confuse it for your internship this summer.

May 8, 2019

Dude I've seen sophomore accounting majors put their internship in big 4 audit for NEXT SUMMER on their linkedin

May 7, 2019

I shouldn't have to mention doing all your classwork on an HP-12C (gold, not platinum, and of course RPN only). Carry it around wherever you go and make a point to use it in everyday conversation, such as calculating your professor's mortgage payment against his publicly available salary and suggest he refinance. Value add.

    • 7
May 10, 2019
Synergy_or_Syzygy:

I shouldn't have to mention doing all your classwork on an HP-12C (gold, not platinum, and of course RPN only). Carry it around wherever you go and make a point to use it in everyday conversation, such as calculating your professor's mortgage payment against his publicly available salary and suggest he refinance. Value add.

This thread cured my hangover thank you all

    • 1
May 8, 2019

No email replies with words over 3 letters:
- pls
- fix
- thx

I hit the ball as hard as I can. If I can find it, I hit it again - John Daly

May 9, 2019

no eml rpl w/wds >3 ltr

    • 3
May 8, 2019

4.0/4.0 and Valedictorian

Not joking.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 2
May 8, 2019
  1. Never ever wash your hands after using the seamless urinal device. People want to feel the real you.
  2. About 1 min into any conversation, pause and stare at the other person shoes before shortly proceeding with the conversation. People love that kind of attention.
  3. It is essential to maintain a semi hard on whenever you are speaking to decision makers, this will make them like you more.
  4. It's considered impolite to not mention your new yoga experience with the whole office and how it can empower them.
  5. If your perfume/cologne does not linger for about an hour since you left the elevator, you need to be a bit more generous with the spraying.
  6. The cleaning staff partially took their jobs to hear your life advice, so don't be afraid to give it to them like the scum they are.
    • 11
May 9, 2019

if you don't have the golden JUUL, chuck your current one and make the switch. automatic 500 basis point increase.

    • 1
May 9, 2019
CertifiedHardo:

I have "Incoming Interviewer for Goldman Sachs Risk Management Division in New Jersey" on my LinkedIn Premium profile.

spit out my peanut butter. Thank you lmao

May 10, 2019

Instead of pissing in toilets, walk into a bathroom thats crowded with many of your peers and pee in one of those Dyson Airblade hand dryer things. The air should blow your urine on everyone.

    • 7
May 10, 2019

Drive a 2006 BMW Z4

May 10, 2019

I'd probably try getting a tat of Martin Shkreli's smug face right on your left cheek.

    • 1
May 10, 2019

Just talk about some interesting financial news that happened last week

May 10, 2019

Buy yourself a counterfeit Patek Philippe Nautilus and make sure it's always visible. The plebeians at your non-target won't be able to spot a fake.

May 10, 2019

Second this, can't tell how many times I spot kids wearing fake watches and still get complimented.

Cash and cash equivalents: $138,311
Financial instruments and other inventory positions owned: $448,166

May 11, 2019

Say you're "basically like the Wolf of Wall Street".

"Work ethic, work ethic" - Vince Vaughn
Jun 2, 2019

Is it worth to see this film?

May 12, 2019

Buy a vintage HP 12-C bond calculator and learn just enough about how to calculate yields and prices the old school way so that you look sufficiently imperious. It's helpful if you walk around and say things like "never buy a bond with a negative yield to the call."

    • 2
May 15, 2019

Make sure to be an incoming CFA level 1 candiadate

May 15, 2019

Explain you went top down models and bottles with AJ at Cain.

May 15, 2019

Walk around with a brief case.

May 16, 2019
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May 16, 2019
May 17, 2019
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