How does one become the most pretentious banker ever?

I'm on a journey and I need advise on how to become the most pretentious banker possible. I'm probably going to sport everything Goldman Sachs logo/label, even down to my flash drive and sticky notes, but I need to work that out. t I'm already developing good one-liners for all types of situations like:

When someone does something I don't like:

"That was so Piper Jaffrayish of you..."
or
"That was soo non-target of you..."

I will also include many American Psycho quotes in my everyday languaging.

"Cheer-up [insert last name], no shiatsu this morning?"

Other than that I would appreciate some good advice from your daily MD banker observations, they will help me greatly in my endeavor.

Comments (25)

Jan 5, 2010

HAHA! This is great. Hermes underwear is my suggestion.

Jan 5, 2010
Jan 5, 2010

You need to go above and beyond cheap catch phrases and clothing. If you want to be an icon for pretentious bankers everywhere, you must send out an email to your entire firm demanding that people from non-targets be segregated from those that went to targets at the firm. This means separate restrooms, separate coffee machines, water coolers, even Christmas parties etc

Jan 5, 2010
<span class=keyword_link><a href=//www.wallstreetoasis.com/company/sac-capital rel=nofollow>SAC</a></span>:

You need to go above and beyond cheap catch phrases and clothing. If you want to be an icon for pretentious bankers everywhere, you must send out an email to your entire firm demanding that people from non-targets be segregated from those that went to targets at the firm. This means separate restrooms, separate coffee machines, water coolers, even Christmas parties etc

separate but equal...

Jan 5, 2010

All of the above plus:
- Contrast collar (see White collar thread recently)
- Cuff links
- Hermes...everything
Tie
Belt (with large buckle)
Socks
Cologne
- Red sports car which you mention at least five times a day
- Rolex/Patek watch (while other watches might be as good or better, they're not nearly pretentious enough for you)
- Suspenders - with dollar signs
- Ferragamo or Gucci loafers

Jan 5, 2010

Oliver Peoples glasses

Jan 5, 2010

Do not forget the quintessential tanning bed at your place, do mention it everytime you talk.

Jan 5, 2010

Act like the European Royalty guy in "Born Rich"

Jan 18, 2010

I would suggest getting a video camera and taping yourself while plowing some hookers.

Jan 20, 2010

American Psycho Quotes? Really? How tacky...

Jan 20, 2010

Dude, literally half this board is some type of derivation of American Psycho.

Jan 20, 2010
AnthonyD1982:

Dude, literally half this board is some type of derivation of American Psycho.

too true

Jan 20, 2010
AnthonyD1982:

Dude, literally half this board is some type of derivation of American Psycho.

It pains me how many people still think quoting American Psycho and Wall Street is witty and original. I'd be content to ban every user with any of "Patrick" "Bateman" "Gordon" "Gekko" in their names, or anyone making an anecdote about the colour of their business card.

Jan 23, 2010
turukturuk:

American Psycho Quotes? Really? How tacky...

What part of quote don't you get?

FAIL

Jan 20, 2010

Dude just become a guido.

KICKIN ASS AND TAKING NAMES

Jan 20, 2010
BudFox24:

Dude just become a guido.

you heard the man

Jan 20, 2010
Jan 21, 2010

The first thing you need to do is get a suit that is made out of something rare. I would suggest baby pandas.

Second, get a pair of shoes that are made out of people. Nothing says rich, pretentious banker like a pair of poor people on your feet.

Third, you're gonna need a diamond monocle and top hat.

Finally, work banking into every sentence that comes out of your mouth. For example, instead of saying "yes," you can say "You can BANK on it...BTW, I'm a rich banker."

This list is a good start, but it's far from comprehensive.

    • 1
Jan 21, 2010

Banks for the tips good sir, one shiatsu massage for you.

Hmmm, the endangered species clothing is a nice angle but I think baby seal fur is much softer and more durable. Perhaps the baby panda fur will be suitable for my cravat. Yes, I am also in the process of procuring a catamaran to sail into international waters so I can legally flay poor people for my shoes and gloves.

As for the top hat, I'm actually going to have to go with a trilby made out of california condor as it fits my face shape better. I'm also thinking of accessorizing with an solid ivory pimp cane with a large blood diamond crusted on top. Of course everyone will know much everything is worth because I will leave the price tag on and because I'll have the Harvard logo imprinted on every piece of my wear.

Also, I will tell everyone that I wipe my ass with BoA business cards.

=========================================
We are excited to formally extend to you an offer to join Bank of Ameria

Jan 21, 2010

Once you have some Analysts or Summers below you, yell at them loudly each morning and throw hot coffee on them once a week because they put in too much cream.

Also, remember to make vague references about your mistress while standing next to your wife at the Christmas Party.

Mar 20, 2017
Comment
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Mar 20, 2017