How I have made my son the perfect Investment Banker

Let me begin by saying that when my son was born it was the fourth happiest day of my life. I immediately decided he would become a banker.

The Early Phase:

At age 3, I began by teaching my son basic arithmetic and beginning normal 1st grade coursework. Naturally, I was homeschooling him because banking was the end goal. By the time he was 12 He had completed the equivalent of 12 years of schooling and was showing mastery in Calculus and College level writing. However, when I became privy to the rampant Asian stereotyping and discrimination on Wall Street, I immediately renamed him Duke Wakefield and resolved to immerse him into traditionally WASP activities.

The Cultural Phase:

I began to discover that Banking was more than just numbers and words; it was camaraderie. It was at this stage that I undertook my first five-year plan: the cultural conditioning of my son. I sent him to golf classes, polo classes, and croquette classes. I even hired an etiquette coach to teach him the ways of high society. To my amazement I realized bankers tended to bond in some soldier-like manner during their stint. Therefore I began to train my son in a more and more unorthodox fashion.

I hired a PUA (pick-up-artist) to teach my son how to behave at bars, clubs and around women in general with the goal of sleeping with them. I discovered that the male who could sleep with the most women, and provide the most women to his co-workers would be the most revered. By this time my son was 16 and I needed to polish him further. I began to drink with him, sparingly at first, but more frequently as time went on. I taught him to pace himself, to enjoy every kind of liquor, high quality or low and sent him to multiple whiskey, beer and wine appreciation courses to develop his “soft” skills. I had dance teachers come in to teach him the finest of ballet and the lowest of “club grind dancing.” I hired the finest consultants to teach him about the inner workings of office politics and how to manipulate people to his advantage. He was taught by ex-associates how to become an associate, by ex-VPs how to become a VP and service clients and by ex-MDs how to move even further beyond. I trained him to function on 4 hours of sleep and still have a strict diet. In order to assure that, that wouldn’t affect his growth I gave him HGH.

In a sentence, I essentially told him that he must fake having fun, be interesting and engage in the office politics in order to rise through the ranks.

The Quantitative Phase:

After his 2400 and acceptance to Harvard (which was, incidentally, the third happiest day of my life) I knew I needed to do something to differentiate him from the pack. I knew however that the peasants in banking would not identify with such an individual and had him re-take the SAT and instructed him to aim for a 2200, which he got. I immediately signed him up for multiple financial modeling and advanced finance workshops and hired the most exclusive tutors to teach him bachelors and eventually masters level finance. While he studied I passed his resume from colleague to colleague, friend to friend and professional review agency to professional review agency. I then applied on his behalf to over 200 positions and secured an Investment Banking Internship for his freshman year summer, the second happiest day of my life. His manager would later tell him that he was “the finest intern we have ever gotten, and that includes all the Harvard MBA associates.”

The rest, as they say, is history…

P.S. As you can imagine, the day he got his full-time offer was the happiest day of my life.