How to flag potentially inappropriate behavior to partner

We are hyper focused on diversity at my firm but one of our partners is very old school and to firm events (pre pandemic and we recently had an outdoor firm get together) he keeps bringing a rotating set of 18-22 year old, generally tall, generally blonde, females that he claims he met off various dating apps (tbd if sugar babies or not). It upsets the female associates/VPs who see it as demeaning that the seniors at the firm are bringing college girls under suspect circumstances to firm events. Should we ban non S/O guests? Any thoughts on how to address this?

 

thanks 

Comments (22)

 
  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Feb 23, 2021 - 4:56pm

I think the associates and VPs should get over it as long as your partner and his guest aren't being explicitly sexist, demeaning or inappropriate. I do find it weird that you'd be able to bring a non s/o to a firm event (like a random friend), but if everyone else is allowed to do it, so should he. And people should mind their own business when it comes to others' love lives. 

 
  • Intern in RE - Comm
Feb 23, 2021 - 6:21pm

The associates and VPs are jealous he doesn't ask them out. Women can be like that sometimes.

 
Feb 23, 2021 - 6:40pm

This is odd. Should women in 2021 not be trusted to make their own decisions regarding who they want to date? Imagine if male associates were disapproving of the dates female associates were bringing in? What if he was gay, and bringing in males of that age, would they then accept this because they trust men more, no matter their preference? And ultimately, what happens between two consenting adults is no ones business. I'd recommend you tell them to leave it alone and take a moment of silence to appreciate how lucky they are. That in a year full of misery, and suffering the world over, the thing that bothers them is that a partner at their firm is scoring college aged pieces of ass. At 22, you can own a gun, vote, drink, pay taxes, and go die in a war. You can presumably date an older dude and get paid for it (I know plenty of sugar babies that make a great living). This is not directed at OP, but I honestly think some people will not be happy until we're all homogenous blobs of flesh that have no originality or edge, to prevent offending anyone.

 
Feb 24, 2021 - 1:29pm

The above is good perspective. but I think the question is what we should do vs whether or not you think people are overreacting 

 

So what do you guys actually suggest we do? Do we tell the female associates/vps than they're basically overreacting? Maybe we say ok we'll address it and just mention to the partner there have been some comments?

 

 

 
Feb 24, 2021 - 6:30pm

I think some people are being overly hostile to your post and it's a bit unhelpful, although I agree with their points. You're allowed to ask questions and have opinions, even if some think its stupid. So I hope that doesn't discourage you in the future. The fact that you asked for the perspective of others puts you ahead of most. Regarding this situation, there's nothing to do. If it comes up again, let the people discussing it know it's none of their business. If you REALLY want to have fun with it, start pressing them on WHY it bothers them. It'll be a great learning opportunity and making busy bodies sweat is also fun. Drop some words like toxic femininity to really see their brains do back flips. For yourself, I highly recommend that you learn to let things like this go, and ask yourself why the fuck did you care in the first place?

Asia is the growth area for the next decade. Africa will be in 15 years. These continents do not give a flying f*ck about bullshit like this. Learn as much as you can from your male colleagues to succeed in an industry optimized for profits and unlearn whatever behaviours make women more prone to act like this. The counter parties sitting across from you for the remainder of your career will be much harsher.

 
Feb 24, 2021 - 1:50pm

How do you prove someone is not a S/O? lol If these are parties where you're able to bring in +1, then you can't say anything to him.

Only thing you can do is ban all outside parties from attending these get togethers. 

Array
 
Most Helpful
Feb 24, 2021 - 2:14pm

xiaochengopalbatista

We are hyper focused on diversity at my firm but one of our partners is very old school and to firm events (pre pandemic and we recently had an outdoor firm get together) he keeps bringing a rotating set of 18-22 year old, generally tall, generally blonde, females that he claims he met off various dating apps (tbd if sugar babies or not). It upsets the female associates/VPs who see it as demeaning that the seniors at the firm are bringing college girls under suspect circumstances to firm events. Should we ban non S/O guests? Any thoughts on how to address this?

 

thanks 

You and all the women at your fund who have an issue with this are gaggle of catty losers who need to get a life. You wouldn't bat an eye if one of the women in the group kept bringing around tall young beautiful blonde men to firm events, would you now? And I guarantee you if that were the case, the men in the office would if anything respect it and see it as a point of mutual discussion rather than get "triggered" by it.

You have no right to dictate who one of the partners dates if they are of legal consenting age, which by your own admission they are. Maybe the man went through a private divorce and is having a mid-life crisis. Maybe he's just rich as fuck and likes having trophy girlfriends who he spoils or brings to parties. Maybe they're his young mistresses and his wife is a cuckqueen. You don't know, and why does this matter AT ALL?

This is why so many men in finance would rather not work with women at all, because of petty dynamics like this popping up with the people you're having to work with for hours and hours on end. You've literally spelled out the main reason why this industry gets the rap of being anti-women. No one wants to put up with the over-emotional judgemental bullshit, whether its coming from someone with dick or without is irrelevant. It just so happens the dynamic is VASTLY more common amongst women in a professional setting.

I sincerely hope you all sign and submit a complaint, and that this partner promptly fires all of you. I can't imagine what an insufferable work environment y'all create if you're literally coming to an industry forum to try and find out how to get the man in trouble with HR over his choice in women. Seriously, fuck gender diversity if this is what it's enabling.

 
  • Associate 2 in PE - LBOs
Feb 24, 2021 - 4:56pm

I consider myself a liberal and a feminist and I'm honestly behind this post. 

Finance is a results-focused industry, not an employee-focused one. That means long hours, mental and emotional abuse/pressure, and overlooking character flaws in colleagues in pursuit of performance. Often I find that women struggle more to come to terms and accept these industry-wise issues. Maybe this is a result of finance being a masculine industry? Maybe this is what is called "toxic masculinity"? Whatever it is, it's not biased against women. Of course I wish I didn't have to work long hours, be under constant pressure, and often work with jackasses. However, that's just the way of it. And no-one is ever going to change this because it turns out this "masculine" industry is optimized for profits.

And speaking of bias, IMO women for the past decade have had substantially easier routes than men into banking and especially PE. I'm not making a comment on its morality; just saying that this is fact. But finance is still a male-dominated field... and I'm not sure there's anything honestly wrong with that. When I grew older, my divorced mom went back to work and worked at a client-facing engineering firm with ~200 employees where she was one of three females and the only one in her office. I asked her how the gender imbalance affected her and she said it didn't matter at all. Maybe its because she's from a different generation and grew up in a 3rd world country where people had to struggle with actual problems like getting clean water, food, and electricity; not spite or jealousy.

 
Feb 24, 2021 - 4:26pm

Does this post stem from the fact that the partner is doing anything wrong or is it because you're not an 18-22 year old, tall, blonde, hot female, you're a literal corporate slave and it makes you feel insecure about yourself and your life decisions? 
 

The partner has the right to be with anyone over the age of consent, guy or girl, young or old, hot or ugly, and fuck anyone who wants to infringe on his freedom to do so. Put your head down and focus on your work, monkey. 

 
  • Associate 3 in PE - LBOs
Feb 24, 2021 - 4:43pm

Unless there's overt inappropriate / unprofessional behavior, the correct response is to tell anyone at the firm that's complaining about another's choice of guest to chill the fuck out.
 

Lots of people meet SOs on dating apps, lots of people have age gaps, and lots of people spend money on romantic partners. As long as both are consenting adults who are acting appropriately for a work event, it's no different from anyone else bringing a date to the party

 
Feb 25, 2021 - 8:26pm

 

"Let me get this straight. You think that your boss - one of the wealthiest, most influential men in the firm- who literally owns the floor you walk on, should be banned from bringing smoke shows to company events because it pisses off some 3s ... and your plan is to tell this person that? Good luck."

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