I am a idiotic pussy
Last year I found out about WSO. WSO has taught me various things and opened my eyes about the possibilities in finance, or any career for that matter. I would like to share my story and ask for advice.
Please bear with me as I will try to make this elaborate, yet concisive.
I am 23 year old northern European dude (turning 24 in 4 months). I preformed well in pre-highschool education due to curiousity and the eagerness to learn combined with solid learning ability, scoring top 1% nation wide for pre-highschool education.
Enrolled highschool. Eagerness dropped as a result of god knows what and a bad enviroment due to unambitious, uneager and lazy high school class/friends. Out of my roughly 5000 hours of class during high school education I skipped 1000 by just not showing up. During highschool I took the easy courses, no science (despite being actually interested in it). Despite this entire lack of motvation I graduated on time with a 3.2 GPA. Allowing me to go to uni.
Most of my time spent in highschool was wasted. However I did have a small business on eBay where I bought and sold various products. I did this for three years and somehow manage to stil have $120 000 savings as a result of this activity as well as living frugrual. I still live at home for example.
After highschool I still did not know what I wanted. I contemplated doing the science courses and go study physics or medicine. As I wasnt sure about it I decided to travel a few months and figure shit out. After 3 months I still hadnt figured anything out, I wasted it by partying and again being lazy. Due to some pressure of people around me I enrolled into an Economics program in a top 50 university in Europe after wasting one year. Again I was unmotivated. I didnt see the point of going to uni, since I already had ''a lot'' of saving'' (of course it isnt in the large scheme of life) and due to the fact that I felt I wasnt actually learning new things in an economics degree. Looking back I was so arrogant and so naive about life, sigh.
Every year I contemplated enrolling into a different program (physics or medicine, or even getting a pilot degree for commercial flying). Of course since I am a pussy I never actually switched. And given that I am a pussy I Always desire things that I wont actually do. For three years my uni experience was awful. I went to class. Went back home. Wasted time watching series. Study a few days before the exam. I couldnt be ''bothered'' to socialize with people who wanted to set for an mediocre job. Looking back at this its just so fucking retarded and arrogant. I hate myself feel thinking like such a douchbag, in hindsight I was probably just disliking myself. To proof my point: my classmates now have studied at Cambridge, LSE, Imperial College etc. and some work for ambassies, and large banks and looking back they are really nice people.
One big part I believe of my lack of motivation in life and school was that my efforts werent actually building towards something. I was just in a limbo, grinding uni without any idea of the essence of it was.
At the end of my final year (3rd year) I had a 3.0GPA. It wasnt until then that I discovered WSO and was introduced to the fact that GRADES MATTER and that I am actually a total retarded arrogant dick who felt entitled despite not having earned ANY entitlement at all. Being highly insecure, paranoid and lacking any form of guidance outside of WSO I decided to enroll an extra year to proof that I can learn. In this extra year I scored 4.0 in each course and a 4.0 for my final dissertation as well. Next to that I participated in an exchange program to Fudan University in China where I had the chance to meet nice, smart and motivated people. I also went to a psychologist and had various meetings and tests done.
So I managed to repare some of the damageand made some good steps. However, still more reparations are needed. I still feel highly insecure about my life, having no real clue what to do and fearing that I will never reach the full potential I had before starting high school. The latter might not be much of a problem, werent it for the fact that I am highly ambitious, want 100% of my life, I am regretful and insecure.
Important note: I HAVE A TOTAL LACK OF FORESIGHT
In my personal life my actions have led to a situation which I was depsperately trying to avoid: ending up mediocre. For instance most of the opportunities available to me right now are just like that.
To be honest I justs dont know what steps I should take from now on. I feel like I am 3 years behind people my age in terms of figuring this shit out.
Sorry for this vague post.
I dont even know why I post this. It feels like a relieve doing so, and I do hope to learn from your advice.
One particular question is: how do you deal with not having a perfect starting point and make things with the things you do have. I am highly obsessed about perfection and sometime I even theorize being unhappy with a 3.9 from Harvard as it isnt ''perfect perfect'' and as a result shut down. To be honest this I feel like is very evident in my life so far. For example 6 motnhs ago I was so obsessed about getting the perfect IBD internship (despire having 0.00000000000000000000000000000001% probability in landing one) and only looked at GS and SOMEHOW looked down on other banks. This is just such ridiculous behavior which I just dont understand why I think like that.
TLDR:
I am a pussy who despite having a college degree and some money still lives at home
I totally understand where you're coming from since I was in a similar situation, but you have to understand that you can't change the past and that you can only go forward making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes.
I am also regretful, insecure and afraid that I won't be able to do something with my life, I also wish that I graduated from some prestigious University with the perfect internships on my resume but that simply wouldn't have been possible.
And even though you didn't get your bachelor's from a prestigious University, you can still get a graduate degree from there.
I know I am mentally very weak, as I am writing this a bit teary but I really appreciate your reply.
You mentioned you were in a similar situation. How are you currently doing?
I will pursuing a master's degree in Economics this Fall, at a pretty well ranked university in the UK hoping I will be able to use the University's resources in getting an internship.
I'm not expecting much but it's better than staying where I currently am, which is saying a lot. You can check out this thread that I created a long time ago since it gives some details about my profile. http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/my-masters-program-offer-has-been…
You have to quit kidding yourself. You're actually still falling under the same trap you've been in the whole time. You THINK you want 100%, but you still haven't ever executed 100%. If you wanted 100% you would have gone out and gotten more. People who want 100% would never refer to themselves as a "pussy". Stop being a beta dude and learn to be type A or fake it until you make it. Your "perfectionism" is out of desperation and entitlement rather than out of action and results. It's time to be truthful with yourself, and to alter your mental state.
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you to be honest. But it feels very conflicting in my mind. I have a desire to have 100%. I spend a lot thinking about it and reading WSO, forum, and talking with people about it. This makes me think I spend a lot of time on it, however I do not spend time practicing GMAT for MSc program or actually going to interviews for ''less prestigious'' firms in order to eventually grow towards 100%. I feel like I want it all now, and by doing less than all know I actually feel like I am not 100%. However, getting 100% without taking those steps will also be an impossibility.
That being said. How would you advice me to change my mental state? I have already been to a psychologist numerous of times, but that hasn't seem to help.
Start microdosing. Joke. Your problem is, as you understand, that you only wish but don't take ANY steps toward it. I see this around me everyday. People only brag where they sent their resumes and where they have interviews and how everything is going so great and how they know and met this and that banker. While I tend to be very humble. Not beta humble but confidence humble. Today, the loudest people are still the loudest and nowhere closer to anything. I think the problem is that they send these applications so that could tell others they have sent applications here and there. Without actually providing any thought content, so they get dismissed.
I think what it comes down to very often is how you feel others feel about you. People really need to start living for themselves and stop comparing yourself to others. Get a nice haircut, get some nice robes, look into the mirror in the morning, all clean and groomed, and love yourself. Stop wishful thinking and take actions, there really is no way out other than start acting up. Always think about what you say. Get used to the fact that when you say/promise something to yourself or other, you deliver.
This 100% BS is some defense mechanism of yours. "I think I need 100% but that is not possible if I don't become active, so my mind is broken" - this is not even a real problem. You will never get close to 100% if you are being held back by such nonsense. Get over it, seriously. All the best.
As for your determination and character, I will reserve my judgement.
The whole "feeling behind your peers" as far as career progression/development is definitely something I can relate to. I switched over after getting a degree in Biology when I was granted a deferment from medical school AFTER graduation. Broke in to finance and eventually caught up, but definitely spent a lot of time trying to "get to par" with people who were my age. for a long time, it was something that I cared a lot about and was motivated solely by. I am 26 now and would consider myself on par, or ahead of people my age. The important thing to remember is that nothing is going to happen overnight. As with anything, execution is the most important part, and is something you have to do day in and out. And if not executing to the best of your abilities doesn't bother you, then you probably aren't doing anything important to you.
That or you just don't care.
"Make it do what it need to be do" big homie.
Also, you a healthy amount of over-confidence will do you some good.
Being unemployed sucks indeed. It takes grit to get passed the slump and distress of the time passing. You will fall of the wagon at times, but make sure you get back on. Keep applying to places. You will succeed, eventually. May your success come sooner than later-the clock never stops ticking. Behold the great feeling of success and accomplishment when despite all odds you win.
You have 120k! Use it to gain access to resources that will improve your employ-ability whether it be soft skills, or finance/accounting skills. Try checking those IB video sets, or a college course!
Keep your head up, sign up for interviews, maybe a good MBA program. Do the CFA Program. And keep trying... Always try. You will succeed eventually.
Hello, don't you dare feel sorry for yourself!!! You are young; and everyone feels the same way when they are your age. You shouldn't feel you have to compete with the others. Find what you really want to do and do it; no matter what it is. You have time; some people never find what they want. However, try something and if you fail so what. At least then you know what you don't want. First, get rid of your self-pity problem or you will end up like me 54 years old, single, no children or family; and I somehow lost $30,000. and now I don't know how I will pay my rent. The rent here is $950 a month. Most of the rents here are now $1500 to $4000 per month. I don't have a job. I have no teeth, cause the dentist screwed up my dentures and I am in danger now of losing my home which was where my family lived since 1977. I told you I had a problem.
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