In love with a girl who you are pretty sure is cheating on you....

Long story short, i've been dating a girl casually for about 7 months and we have been, supposedly, "exclusive" for going on 4 now. However, we are going to have to be long distance for a year.

She moved home in May and is there until she starts her new 1yr volunteer commitment that is many states away from me (she's a do gooder and is pursuing volunteer type work until grad school). I'm crazy about her and it's pretty clear she is crazy about me when we are together. However, she hangs out with her hometown ex an awful lot, she has cheated on other BFs with this ex, and has lied to me quite a few times about what she was doing. She's also told me he has been basically begging her to get back together ever since they broke up.

I know she isn't "dating" him on the side or that she would be with him long term. Her and I will spend a week together and she doesn't get phone calls/texts from him. But when she is in her hometown she always sees him and has gotten drunk and "spent the night on his couch" when he holds house parties.

Essentially, I am pretty sure she bangs him when she is around. She's known him as long as she's known any human being and I know they have a legit connection, he's just a huge loser she doesn't see herself with long term, whereas she does with me but can't handle really being "alone" in the weeks between when we see each other.

So my question to all you monkeys is this, am I a pansy for letting this be and staying with her because I think i'm in love with her? I have more chemistry with her than i've ever had in my entire life, both friendship wise and sex wise. Or should I put my foot down and end it? (btw, i've brought my concerns up to her and she tells me it's nothing, but she has lied to me about hanging out with him in the past so I don't really put a lot of stock into it).

 
heister:

Ok, you know the answer to your own question. My question is why do you ignore your answer.

+1 However, in OP's defense, it's pretty tough to be rational in these situations. OP, even though she'd not be cheating on you, the very fact that she's lied to you before (and cheated on BFs) makes it impossible for you to trust her. For your own good, cut her out for some time and let her come back to you when she's more mature, if you still want her by then.

 
heister:

Ok, you know the answer to your own question. My question is why do you ignore your answer.

Thread should have ended here, but the post by WSO himself nailed it

Commercial Real Estate Developer
 

I don't think it's ok. There is just a more holistic approach here. At some level If the time I spend with her is better than the time I spend with anyone else then it could be worth it to put with the in between times simply because I still gain a lot from the relationship. And soon she won't really be in a situation to see him almost ever again. There is also, of course, the thought that since i'm pretty much better in every way than this dude that I can kind of train her out of it. But that's probably misguided.

 

I have been the other guy you are describing (besides the huge loser part, i'm only a regular loser) and I can definitively tell you that they are doing the deed. I had my ex wrapped around my finger all through college and no matter how serious she was with a guy, when she came home we would hook up. Sometimes she'd even take calls from them from my bed, lying the same way you are talking about. I know I'm coming off horribly right now but it is what it is, not really proud of it but I was young and I actually still had a ton of feelings for her at the time. There is absolutely no reason for her to be seeing this guy unless they are still hooking up. The crazy thing is that to THIS DAY I know for a fact that I could do the same with that girl and we haven't spoken in over a year, some people just have that pull on you and there is nothing you can do about it. Break it off, she isn't worth the heartache. You can find someone who feels the same way about you.

This to all my hatin' folks seeing me getting guac right now..
 
Cruncharoo:

I have been the other guy you are describing (besides the huge loser part, i'm only a regular loser) and I can definitively tell you that they are doing the deed. I had my ex wrapped around my finger all through college and no matter how serious she was with a guy, when she came home we would hook up. Sometimes she'd even take calls from them from my bed, lying the same way you are talking about. I know I'm coming off horribly right now but it is what it is, not really proud of it but I was young and I actually still had a ton of feelings for her at the time. There is absolutely no reason for her to be seeing this guy unless they are still hooking up. The crazy thing is that to THIS DAY I know for a fact that I could do the same with that girl and we haven't spoken in over a year, some people just have that pull on you and there is nothing you can do about it. Break it off, she isn't worth the heartache. You can find someone who feels the same way about you.

I've been on the other end too. One of my exs is currently (happily, I think) married but her and I hooked up all through their engagement. Now I haven't seen her in years and i'm sure she's not the cheating type, it just happened to be the pull I specifically have on her. And that's kind of my view of this situation, his pull is likely too much because they grew up together and have all teh same friends. But once she leaves that place behind (which she says she wants to) it wouldn't be an issue anymore.
 

I think the answer has already been stated, but yeah move on man. There is someone out there that's the right one and doesn't have all this other drama, you just haven't met her yet....

datdere, is that a BMS reference?

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but rather carry a big stick; you will go far.
 

If I were in your shoes I would ask her straight up if she has been cheating on you. If she says yes, then you break up with her and find a new girl. If she says no, do some further research (ask some of her friends, etc.) if you find out she is telling you the truth stay with her and make it clear to her that if she continues to lie to you it is over. If you find out she has been cheating obviously break up with her. All comments about love aside, you don't want to be with someone that you can't trust

 
bballchamp:

If I were in your shoes I would ask her straight up if she has been cheating on you. If she says yes, then you break up with her and find a new girl. If she says no, do some further research (ask some of her friends, etc.) if you find out she is telling you the truth stay with her and make it clear to her that if she continues to lie to you it is over. If you find out she has been cheating obviously break up with her. All comments about love aside, you don't want to be with someone that you can't trust

I have, actually, and she says straight up she hasn't touched anyone since we've gone "exclusive". There is really no way to find out FOR SURE because I know no one from her homelife circle. She's from a really rural area and I only know her friends and such from her time in the east coast city I am in.
 
heister:

You are justifying her actions. She has you wrapped around her finger. Please turn in your man card.

This fair, I would say straight up i'm whipped. It happens occasionally. That said, i'm not really justifying her actions because I don't think cheating would be ok, I am however wondering if the answer to the question is less black and white than a lot of people make it out to be. Americans are far more "possessive" about their SOs than people are in a lot of different cultures, so there is some thought to that. If the relationship is still a net positive and I don't think it's a long term issue, there has to be some consideration to that.

I'm just trying to come at the issue from all angles, hence the post on WSO.

 
Best Response

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

1 Lack of trust = screwed

2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome, Patrick

 
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome,
Patrick

haha, i'm not going to be there, but thanks. This made me laugh.
 
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome,
Patrick

This. If you can't trust her the relationship is fucked.

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome,
Patrick

Getting reprimanded/a reality check from the owner of WSO has got to be a slap to the face. Basically what he's trying to say is that you're a pathetic excuse for a man and should go the path of Lance Bass.

 
DaisukiDaYo:
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.
#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed
Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.
Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.
You're Welcome,
Patrick

Getting reprimanded/a reality check from the owner of WSO has got to be a slap to the face. Basically what he's trying to say is that you're a pathetic excuse for a man and should go the path of Lance Bass.

PS - Rare gem of a post.

Anybody who reads this topic and the OP's posts in it should be laughing hysterically. I especially love the "train her out of it" bit.

 
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome,
Patrick

This is basically all the stuff I wanted to say before I decided to be a nice guy and put it in an emotionally comprehensible way for AllDay.

So, AllDay, your question has been answered.

in it 2 win it
 
WallStreetOasis.com:

I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.

#1 Lack of trust = screwed
#2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed

Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.

Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.

You're Welcome,
Patrick

Truth - You need to cut and move on from this. Lingering and trying to delude yourself into thinking that you will be able to make this work is just going to lead to more headache and heartache down the road. If she really respected you and really had the connection you say that you mutually share, she wouldn't continue to hang out with her ex and certainly wouldn't get drunk and "crash on his couch" after parties. Really dude... you know she is hooking up with him. Flip this the other way, try imagining yourself keeping a straight face as you explain to a chick that you are hanging out with one of your exes and getting drunk with her but "don't worry, I only slept on her couch." All she is doing is trying to alleviate a bit of her guilt by quasi coming clean to you. She isn't going to outright tell you she is cheating on you because she doesn't want you to feel like she is hurting you, even though she is. By doing what she is doing, she can subconsciously delude herself into thinking that you are aware of what she is doing and since you haven't done anything in response that she has tacit approval to continue her current behavior. If the roles were reversed she would probably give you an ultimatum and that's the way it should be. You can't have all the comfort and stability of a boyfriend from a distance but then turn around and bang your ex for the excitement. It isn't fair to the other person. You need to break it off...

Also, Patrick, I believe there is an issue with the new button functionality in that the actual "names" of the functions don't show up. If I hover over the button to quote, eventually a hover description in plain text will appear, but not a graphical representation. Just figured I would let you know so that you can flag it but the set up looks awesome and is better than what was there previously!

 

This is a finance website, not a "my girlfriend is banging other guys, how should I feel about that?" website.

“...all truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” - Schopenhauer
 

WSO is looking to merge with eHarmony, but that's insider information so keep it on the DL.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but rather carry a big stick; you will go far.
 

That feeling of anything involving "love" shouldn't be invoked in a sense that makes you feel something negative. If you have any sort of creeping dread or nagging insecurity about an aspect of your girlfriend's life, SHE should notice it and help put you past it. Think about it: if you're in a serious relationship with a girl you want to keep and she's insecure or anxious about something in your life, wouldn't you ease that for her? Assure her things are okay?

That she isn't doing the same for you (and that she's lying!) pretty much cements the fact that she's doing something wrong.

And that feeling - that creeping dread, anxiousness, insecurity about the issue - is probably the beginning of you coming to terms with the inevitable. You may have a great relationship that you enjoy, but you know that that boat is on course to smash into a giant fucking cliff once you clear the fog.

I think that what you have to do is pretty obvious.

in it 2 win it
 
Kassad:

That feeling of anything involving "love" shouldn't be invoked in a sense that makes you feel something negative. If you have any sort of creeping dread or nagging insecurity about an aspect of your girlfriend's life, SHE should notice it and help put you past it. Think about it: if you're in a serious relationship with a girl you want to keep and she's insecure or anxious about something in your life, wouldn't you ease that for her? Assure her things are okay?

That she isn't doing the same for you (and that she's lying!) pretty much cements the fact that she's doing something wrong.

And that feeling - that creeping dread, anxiousness, insecurity about the issue - is probably the beginning of you coming to terms with the inevitable. You may have a great relationship that you enjoy, but you know that that boat is on course to smash into a giant fucking cliff once you clear the fog.

I think that what you have to do is pretty obvious.

I appreciated this response.
 

I think you already know the answer to your question:

"Or should I put my foot down and end it?" - Yes, you need to end the relationship, even though it will be a hell of hard time at first.

Think about it this way, if you're dating this girl seriously, then at some point the thought of marriage has crossed your mind (and it is normal that it has) - could you marry a woman who you cant trust? There is your answer.

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis - when I was dead broke man I couldn't picture this
 
CoochieMane:

I really didn't expect this kind of post from a Certified User.

Where's the backbone/self-awareness?

Having a strong backbone at work and in your personal life is two different things. Work is far easier to navigate than dating.

That said, i'm fairly self aware and know what the issues are, sometimes you just want to see what other people will say too.

 
AllDay_028:
CoochieMane:

I really didn't expect this kind of post from a Certified User.
Where's the backbone/self-awareness?

Having a strong backbone at work and in your personal life is two different things. Work is far easier to navigate than dating.

That said, i'm fairly self aware and know what the issues are, sometimes you just want to see what other people will say too.

All I'm getting from you is that you're trying to change her, how much better you are than the "loser" ex, etc.

We're trying to help you, but I have a good feeling we'll get another topic from you in a few months how to proceed from a broken heart. She'll continue to do the same, you'll keep trying to change her and justify what's going on, and all will be just dandy.

 

These kinds of posts are usually trolls, but if they're posting as a certified user I'm inclined to think this guy is at his whit's end and making a last ditch effort to get outside opinions before pulling the trigger.

@OP: If you're at the point where you're posting relationship questions on an anonymous finance forum, I think it's pretty fair to say that you're a few days away from dumping her.

.....have you just considered having an open relationship? Sit her down and say "listen babe, I know you're going to want to hook up with other people while we're away and I love you, so instead of me getting torn up inside or dumping you, let's be honest and just have an open relationship and I will hook up with other people too" and see what happens.

Other than that, yeah, this relationship is over.

Get busy living
 
UFOinsider:

.....have you just considered having an open relationship? Sit her down and say "listen babe, I know you're going to want to hook up with other people while we're away and I love you, so instead of me getting torn up inside or dumping you, let's be honest and just have an open relationship and I will hook up with other people too" and see what happens.

Other than that, yeah, this relationship is over.

More men should be doing this. She's got two, you take three, she's got three, you ride four.

Winners bring a bigger bag than you do. I have a degree in meritocracy.
 
Financier4Hire:
UFOinsider:

.....have you just considered having an open relationship? Sit her down and say "listen babe, I know you're going to want to hook up with other people while we're away and I love you, so instead of me getting torn up inside or dumping you, let's be honest and just have an open relationship and I will hook up with other people too" and see what happens.
Other than that, yeah, this relationship is over.

More men should be doing this. She's got two, you take three, she's got three, you ride four.

The number of men who have the balls to actually get 2 or 3 girls at the same time has dropped considerably every day. More women cheat than men do now. There was a study done on it.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 

If she was cheating on you with another woman, I would probably let that slide (and figure out a way to benefit as well). But, in this case, you should clearly dump her as everyone has mentioned.

 
AllDay_028:
SirTradesaLot:

If she was cheating on you with another woman, I would probably let that slide (and figure out a way to benefit as well). But, in this case, you should clearly dump her as everyone has mentioned.

She is explicitly open to an MFF threesome. Maybe I should get that and run.

YES!

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but rather carry a big stick; you will go far.
 
AllDay_028:
SirTradesaLot:

If she was cheating on you with another woman, I would probably let that slide (and figure out a way to benefit as well). But, in this case, you should clearly dump her as everyone has mentioned.

She is explicitly open to an MFF threesome. Maybe I should get that and run.

You are obviously a young guy and still figuring things out, so let me give you a piece of sage advice from an older dude that has been around the block before: take all of this "i'm in love" stuff with a grain of salt because your perspective is going to change quite a bit over the next few years. I didn't really understand women or relationships or marriage very well until I reached 30 and had learned from some of my friends' (and my own) mistakes. I guess my advice to you would be to not take this girl so seriously -- spend a few years having fun and shopping around for a girl you like, be aware of the fact that they will be shopping around too, and be okay with that.

 
Whgm45:
Bondarb:

dont break up with her just start fucking other girls also. never dump a girl until she catches you cheating on her thats just obvious.

Best advice on this thread. Exclusivity is a joke in young relationships, you should have 2-3 side girls to keep things fresh.

Except when she keys your car and tells your parents how much drugs you did in college.

 

Have some respect for yourself... she's supposed to be with you yet she's hanging out with her ex AND spend the night on his "couch". You should probably ask what her definition of cheating is... it may only be last base.

You're either trolling us or just need to get your game together. I bet she would flip if you told her you were hanging out with an old flame... and if she doesn't then she just doesn't care.

 
mb666:

Have some respect for yourself... she's supposed to be with you yet she's hanging out with her ex AND spend the night on his "couch". You should probably ask what her definition of cheating is... it may only be last base.

You're either trolling us or just need to get your game together. I bet she would flip if you told her you were hanging out with an old flame... and if she doesn't then she just doesn't care.

I did specifically ask her if she did anything at all, explicitly said including kissing him.

And ya, she got jealous as shit when I hung out with a girl (who I haven't fucked) but who she knows has been trying to fuck me since before my GF and I got together.

 
AllDay_028:
mb666:

Have some respect for yourself... she's supposed to be with you yet she's hanging out with her ex AND spend the night on his "couch". You should probably ask what her definition of cheating is... it may only be last base.
You're either trolling us or just need to get your game together. I bet she would flip if you told her you were hanging out with an old flame... and if she doesn't then she just doesn't care.

I did specifically ask her if she did anything at all, explicitly said including kissing him.

And ya, she got jealous as shit when I hung out with a girl (who I haven't fucked) but who she knows has been trying to fuck me since before my GF and I got together.

So you haven't pulled the trigger with the other girl because? Are you wearing a chastity belt?

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 

Just go rogue behind her back and save all the "special" pics of her you have. I wouldn't dump her, just don't do anything nice for her. Start phasing her out also. No FB pics, etc. Also, try and start getting her friends emails, phone numbers, etc.

I still cannot believe you are ok with being cuckolded. If you ever see this dude grab his balls and twist. Then smash his face into something.

 
<span class=keyword_link><a href=/company/trilantic-north-america>TNA</a></span>:

Just go rogue behind her back and save all the "special" pics of her you have. I wouldn't dump her, just don't do anything nice for her. Start phasing her out also. No FB pics, etc. Also, try and start getting her friends emails, phone numbers, etc.

I still cannot believe you are ok with being cuckolded. If you ever see this dude grab his balls and twist. Then smash his face into something.

Now now buddy, that's a bit harsh. Just point at him and yell as loud as you can. "This dudes gf is cheating on him and he knows it but is too much of a pussy to do anything about it." That way at least people will laugh.

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 

First of all never judge women by their WORDS judge them by their ACTIONS.

OP you cant think straight because your brain chemistry is skewed (out of whack neurotransmitters). Are you having sex with her regularly or is she using you as an emotional tampon?

LDR don't work, period. She will 100% cheat on you if you think she has a voracious sexual appetite. Start dating other girls.There is no such thing as the ONE.

 
AllDay_028:
go.with.the.flow:

Are you having sex with her regularly or is she using you as an emotional tampon?

When we see each other we have sex multiple times a day every day we are together. We also skype/phone sex occasionally.

Whats her skype name?

Follow the shit your fellow monkeys say @shitWSOsays Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid - John Wayne
 
AllDay_028:
go.with.the.flow:

Are you having sex with her regularly or is she using you as an emotional tampon?

When we see each other we have sex multiple times a day every day we are together. We also skype/phone sex occasionally.

Fck we all got trolled, nice job. 9/10 only because you sound way too pathetic and it might be true.

 

That sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Are you dominant with her? Is she submissive? If so, I don't see any reason she would be cheating on you. Anyways my last POA is LDRs dont work and if you communicate to a girl that you need her more than she needs you, she will look for some other guy to dominate her. Good luck man.

 

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Overall Employee Satisfaction

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Harris Williams & Co. 18 99.4%
  • JPMorgan Chase 10 98.8%
  • Lazard Freres 05 98.3%
  • Morgan Stanley 07 97.7%
  • William Blair 03 97.1%

Professional Growth Opportunities

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Lazard Freres 01 99.4%
  • Jefferies & Company 02 98.8%
  • Goldman Sachs 17 98.3%
  • Moelis & Company 07 97.7%
  • JPMorgan Chase 05 97.1%

Total Avg Compensation

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (5) $648
  • Vice President (19) $385
  • Associates (86) $261
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (13) $181
  • Intern/Summer Associate (33) $170
  • 2nd Year Analyst (66) $168
  • 1st Year Analyst (202) $159
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (144) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

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success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”