In love with a girl who you are pretty sure is cheating on you....
Long story short, i've been dating a girl casually for about 7 months and we have been, supposedly, "exclusive" for going on 4 now. However, we are going to have to be long distance for a year.
She moved home in May and is there until she starts her new 1yr volunteer commitment that is many states away from me (she's a do gooder and is pursuing volunteer type work until grad school). I'm crazy about her and it's pretty clear she is crazy about me when we are together. However, she hangs out with her hometown ex an awful lot, she has cheated on other BFs with this ex, and has lied to me quite a few times about what she was doing. She's also told me he has been basically begging her to get back together ever since they broke up.
I know she isn't "dating" him on the side or that she would be with him long term. Her and I will spend a week together and she doesn't get phone calls/texts from him. But when she is in her hometown she always sees him and has gotten drunk and "spent the night on his couch" when he holds house parties.
Essentially, I am pretty sure she bangs him when she is around. She's known him as long as she's known any human being and I know they have a legit connection, he's just a huge loser she doesn't see herself with long term, whereas she does with me but can't handle really being "alone" in the weeks between when we see each other.
So my question to all you monkeys is this, am I a pansy for letting this be and staying with her because I think i'm in love with her? I have more chemistry with her than i've ever had in my entire life, both friendship wise and sex wise. Or should I put my foot down and end it? (btw, i've brought my concerns up to her and she tells me it's nothing, but she has lied to me about hanging out with him in the past so I don't really put a lot of stock into it).
Ok, you know the answer to your own question. My question is why do you ignore your answer.
+1 However, in OP's defense, it's pretty tough to be rational in these situations. OP, even though she'd not be cheating on you, the very fact that she's lied to you before (and cheated on BFs) makes it impossible for you to trust her. For your own good, cut her out for some time and let her come back to you when she's more mature, if you still want her by then.
Thread should have ended here, but the post by WSO himself nailed it
Is this even a serious question? She cheats on you/previous BFs w/ her ex and lies to you, and you think this is okay?
Cardinal rule: don't have a serious relationship w/ a girl who cheats on her ex's, because she'll do the same to you.
FWB-wise...perfect material.
I don't think it's ok. There is just a more holistic approach here. At some level If the time I spend with her is better than the time I spend with anyone else then it could be worth it to put with the in between times simply because I still gain a lot from the relationship. And soon she won't really be in a situation to see him almost ever again. There is also, of course, the thought that since i'm pretty much better in every way than this dude that I can kind of train her out of it. But that's probably misguided.
^that's a good question. (meant to be below heister's comment...)
I have been the other guy you are describing (besides the huge loser part, i'm only a regular loser) and I can definitively tell you that they are doing the deed. I had my ex wrapped around my finger all through college and no matter how serious she was with a guy, when she came home we would hook up. Sometimes she'd even take calls from them from my bed, lying the same way you are talking about. I know I'm coming off horribly right now but it is what it is, not really proud of it but I was young and I actually still had a ton of feelings for her at the time. There is absolutely no reason for her to be seeing this guy unless they are still hooking up. The crazy thing is that to THIS DAY I know for a fact that I could do the same with that girl and we haven't spoken in over a year, some people just have that pull on you and there is nothing you can do about it. Break it off, she isn't worth the heartache. You can find someone who feels the same way about you.
For a moment I thought you were the guy that his "GF" was hooking up with and I was getting ready for an epic conversation on this board.
Meh.
"Essentially, I am pretty sure she bangs him when she is around."
You gotta drop that like a bad habit!
I think the answer has already been stated, but yeah move on man. There is someone out there that's the right one and doesn't have all this other drama, you just haven't met her yet....
datdere, is that a BMS reference?
If I were in your shoes I would ask her straight up if she has been cheating on you. If she says yes, then you break up with her and find a new girl. If she says no, do some further research (ask some of her friends, etc.) if you find out she is telling you the truth stay with her and make it clear to her that if she continues to lie to you it is over. If you find out she has been cheating obviously break up with her. All comments about love aside, you don't want to be with someone that you can't trust
You are justifying her actions. She has you wrapped around her finger. Please turn in your man card.
I'm just trying to come at the issue from all angles, hence the post on WSO.
I think we're all insulting your intelligence by answering this question seriously. I forbid all monkeys to even try to help AllDay rationalize away what he knows he has to do. Pull the trigger dude, yesterday.
1 Lack of trust = screwed
2 She hangs out with an ex = lack of respect for you = screwed
Basically, you're done here but you will likely continue to torture yourself because of this "special connection" you have with her (ok, she's hot, who cares). Where is your self respect? If you know she is hooking up with her ex, why not just tell her you think it's best if you see other people. That way, at least you can start dating more women and have some hope of ever getting out of this death spiral.
Get over it and start dating more. Seriously, if you're at the WSO Conference, let me know and I will smack you in the head.
You're Welcome, Patrick
This. If you can't trust her the relationship is fucked.
Getting reprimanded/a reality check from the owner of WSO has got to be a slap to the face. Basically what he's trying to say is that you're a pathetic excuse for a man and should go the path of Lance Bass.
PS - Rare gem of a post.
Anybody who reads this topic and the OP's posts in it should be laughing hysterically. I especially love the "train her out of it" bit.
This is basically all the stuff I wanted to say before I decided to be a nice guy and put it in an emotionally comprehensible way for AllDay.
So, AllDay, your question has been answered.
Also, Patrick, I believe there is an issue with the new button functionality in that the actual "names" of the functions don't show up. If I hover over the button to quote, eventually a hover description in plain text will appear, but not a graphical representation. Just figured I would let you know so that you can flag it but the set up looks awesome and is better than what was there previously!
This is a finance website, not a "my girlfriend is banging other guys, how should I feel about that?" website.
WSO is looking to merge with eHarmony, but that's insider information so keep it on the DL.
...to be fair, at least he posted it under the right forum topic.
She's definitely bustin it WIDE open for dude. Don't get played for a sucker. You're young, the love isn't as deep and necessary as you think it is yet.
And then post her nudes
That feeling of anything involving "love" shouldn't be invoked in a sense that makes you feel something negative. If you have any sort of creeping dread or nagging insecurity about an aspect of your girlfriend's life, SHE should notice it and help put you past it. Think about it: if you're in a serious relationship with a girl you want to keep and she's insecure or anxious about something in your life, wouldn't you ease that for her? Assure her things are okay?
That she isn't doing the same for you (and that she's lying!) pretty much cements the fact that she's doing something wrong.
And that feeling - that creeping dread, anxiousness, insecurity about the issue - is probably the beginning of you coming to terms with the inevitable. You may have a great relationship that you enjoy, but you know that that boat is on course to smash into a giant fucking cliff once you clear the fog.
I think that what you have to do is pretty obvious.
The relationship is fucked. If you let and accept her cheating on you, you really don't respect and value yourself. If you don't respect and value yourself, neither will a woman. Drop her ass. There's plenty of broads in the sea, you'll have various degrees of compatibility with a lot of them, now go and get yours.
Hold on OP let me reinstall windows7picsviewer.exe, I'm having trouble seeing the pics you posted.
I think you already know the answer to your question:
"Or should I put my foot down and end it?" - Yes, you need to end the relationship, even though it will be a hell of hard time at first.
Think about it this way, if you're dating this girl seriously, then at some point the thought of marriage has crossed your mind (and it is normal that it has) - could you marry a woman who you cant trust? There is your answer.
put on your big boy pants and move on.
Power is any relationship is whoever cares less.
Think about that and let it carry you forward
I really didn't expect this kind of post from a Certified User.
Where's the backbone/self-awareness?
That said, i'm fairly self aware and know what the issues are, sometimes you just want to see what other people will say too.
All I'm getting from you is that you're trying to change her, how much better you are than the "loser" ex, etc.
We're trying to help you, but I have a good feeling we'll get another topic from you in a few months how to proceed from a broken heart. She'll continue to do the same, you'll keep trying to change her and justify what's going on, and all will be just dandy.
These kinds of posts are usually trolls, but if they're posting as a certified user I'm inclined to think this guy is at his whit's end and making a last ditch effort to get outside opinions before pulling the trigger.
@OP: If you're at the point where you're posting relationship questions on an anonymous finance forum, I think it's pretty fair to say that you're a few days away from dumping her.
.....have you just considered having an open relationship? Sit her down and say "listen babe, I know you're going to want to hook up with other people while we're away and I love you, so instead of me getting torn up inside or dumping you, let's be honest and just have an open relationship and I will hook up with other people too" and see what happens.
Other than that, yeah, this relationship is over.
More men should be doing this. She's got two, you take three, she's got three, you ride four.
The number of men who have the balls to actually get 2 or 3 girls at the same time has dropped considerably every day. More women cheat than men do now. There was a study done on it.
Sounds like somebody stumbled across a little voodoo punanny.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/kJRjAHv69NI
TLDR: try for an open relationship if you like but if she's lying to you, you don't have a real relationship.
TERMINATE
Also, LOL Eddie.
man up
This situation sucks, but you know what you gotta do.
If she was cheating on you with another woman, I would probably let that slide (and figure out a way to benefit as well). But, in this case, you should clearly dump her as everyone has mentioned.
YES!
You are obviously a young guy and still figuring things out, so let me give you a piece of sage advice from an older dude that has been around the block before: take all of this "i'm in love" stuff with a grain of salt because your perspective is going to change quite a bit over the next few years. I didn't really understand women or relationships or marriage very well until I reached 30 and had learned from some of my friends' (and my own) mistakes. I guess my advice to you would be to not take this girl so seriously -- spend a few years having fun and shopping around for a girl you like, be aware of the fact that they will be shopping around too, and be okay with that.
Only logical explanation to this madness is that she is amazing in bed..
You sure about that, chief?
How 'bout you tell her to stop cheating on you then.
bro I hav got sum bad newz...
Dude, this is not the forum for this question. Get rid of her and get on with your life. If you want to keep her around, make it FWB only.
dont rule out proposing to her
do as David Tepper would do, pump and dump.
dont break up with her just start fucking other girls also. never dump a girl until she catches you cheating on her thats just obvious.
Best advice on this thread. Exclusivity is a joke in young relationships, you should have 2-3 side girls to keep things fresh.
Except when she keys your car and tells your parents how much drugs you did in college.
Have some respect for yourself... she's supposed to be with you yet she's hanging out with her ex AND spend the night on his "couch". You should probably ask what her definition of cheating is... it may only be last base.
You're either trolling us or just need to get your game together. I bet she would flip if you told her you were hanging out with an old flame... and if she doesn't then she just doesn't care.
And ya, she got jealous as shit when I hung out with a girl (who I haven't fucked) but who she knows has been trying to fuck me since before my GF and I got together.
So you haven't pulled the trigger with the other girl because? Are you wearing a chastity belt?
Just go rogue behind her back and save all the "special" pics of her you have. I wouldn't dump her, just don't do anything nice for her. Start phasing her out also. No FB pics, etc. Also, try and start getting her friends emails, phone numbers, etc.
I still cannot believe you are ok with being cuckolded. If you ever see this dude grab his balls and twist. Then smash his face into something.
Now now buddy, that's a bit harsh. Just point at him and yell as loud as you can. "This dudes gf is cheating on him and he knows it but is too much of a pussy to do anything about it." That way at least people will laugh.
Would you cling to a chick that was a meth head? No? Well you are. Her ex is her meth.
First of all never judge women by their WORDS judge them by their ACTIONS.
OP you cant think straight because your brain chemistry is skewed (out of whack neurotransmitters). Are you having sex with her regularly or is she using you as an emotional tampon?
LDR don't work, period. She will 100% cheat on you if you think she has a voracious sexual appetite. Start dating other girls.There is no such thing as the ONE.
Whats her skype name?
Fck we all got trolled, nice job. 9/10 only because you sound way too pathetic and it might be true.
That sounds like a healthy relationship to me. Are you dominant with her? Is she submissive? If so, I don't see any reason she would be cheating on you. Anyways my last POA is LDRs dont work and if you communicate to a girl that you need her more than she needs you, she will look for some other guy to dominate her. Good luck man.
I say don't even keep her for FWB, let alone as a serious GF. Clearly your emotions have a significant hold on you already (which is not a bad thing per se but horrible in this case). Just let go man
paging swagon 4 advice..
lulzin at all the misc'ers in this thread.
inb4
That feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
Miscers represent.
sooo.... did you dump her yet?
https://www.youtube.com/embed/_uP3v97D1TY
Good luck in your cucking goals of 2013
http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/girlfriend-advice?page=1
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