Interested In Dating Advice - 9/2021

Hi WSO

longtime poster here, but choosing to stay anon so I don't get easily identified. 

about me: graduated from college in May, 2021. Analyst at NY BB

I am about 3 months into dating a wonderful girl. She's really caring, we share similar values, and she is smart (Senior at Columbia). She has a great face, and we have really bonded over 20ish dates.

The issue lies in the fact that she used to be much skinnier. Again, a beautiful face. But she herself told me that she has put on 40ish pounds since the beginning of the pandemic. And although she is definitely attractive, she is somehwat heavyset. 

In the nicest, most respectful way possible, how should I discuss her weight, if at all? Every other aspect of the relationship is going swimmingly, but I would consider myself to be more attractive than her (based on past partners). I like her quite a bit, but I am hesitant to date someone long-term who struggles with her weight like this

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Comments (32)

Funniest
Sep 19, 2021 - 8:23pm

Tell her it's hot when she works out. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

  • 13
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 21, 2021 - 6:10pm

People seem to take this reply as a joke, but this is actually the best action OP could take if he wants to stay with his GF. Basic female psychology. 

Sep 20, 2021 - 11:41am

Yep. If this is a problem at 22 when most people can literally booze 4 days a week and have a diet of nachos, pizza, and train for an occasional 5k while still maintaining a reasonable weight then the wheels will absolutely fall off by late 20s to 30s. I've seen this too many times for both men and women to not tell OP to heed this warning. You are a successful young dude, don't compromise on this.

Either she has a 180 lifestyle change and falls in love with fitness/eating well (possible but HAS to be something she wants herself), and can lose weight and stay fir OR - which is more likely - get used to years of trying crash diets with her, rolling your eyes when she wants to order pizza on a tuesday night while you are trying to eat well, telling her she doesn't look fat, etc.

Being fit and healthy isnt hard. It just requires you to care. If someone doesnt, then you cant change that. If you want to try and fix this OP and really like her then find an upcoming event (mud run, half marathon, something challenging) and ask her to do it for you and train for it. If she's in and thinks it's fun then go for it. If not then just cut this shit off 

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Most Helpful
Sep 19, 2021 - 11:18pm

So I do have to say that I personally went through something very similar my senior year. It was a combo of enjoying my senior year a little to much, being in pain from working out to much the junior year and being stressed out about graduation and life. I gained 50 pounds from junior to senior year.  Once I got in to the job I actually was able to get into a regular work out routine and have relost 35 pounds ( and gained 15 pounds in muscle).  

With you only 3 months in I personally would not bring up the conversation around weight but would rather ask questions about past working out,  stressors,  things like this.  this will probably give you a better idea of what is going on.  If it sounds like its not what you want then you can make an exit plan.  And also asking these kind of questions will help you build a stronger base if you choose to continue the relationship.  

Sep 21, 2021 - 1:56pm

PeRmAnEnTiNtErN

So I do have to say that I personally went through something very similar my senior year. It was a combo of enjoying my senior year a little to much, being in pain from working out to much the junior year and being stressed out about graduation and life. I gained 50 pounds from junior to senior year.  Once I got in to the job I actually was able to get into a regular work out routine and have relost 35 pounds ( and gained 15 pounds in muscle).  

With you only 3 months in I personally would not bring up the conversation around weight but would rather ask questions about past working out,  stressors,  things like this.  this will probably give you a better idea of what is going on.  If it sounds like its not what you want then you can make an exit plan.  And also asking these kind of questions will help you build a stronger base if you choose to continue the relationship.  

I think this is an oversimplification. I graduated high school at around 210lbs and incredibly fit. I was both a collegiate and professional cyclist and love being outdoors, skiing, hiking, etc. Due to injuries (particularly lower back and ankle issues) and to a degree the demands of IB, I ended up gaining a bunch of weight around the time I turned 30 ultimately getting up to around 250lbs. I'm now closer to my mid-40s and weigh less than I did at HS graduation because I started cutting calories and eating healthier. Even people who enjoy/prioritize fitness and working out can go through a bad stretch. I was never not active, but I could go as hard due to my back issues. I have no idea what is going on with your SO, but there could be underlying issues. When my back flares up I can barely walk let alone work out strenuously. 

  • 3
Sep 21, 2021 - 2:04pm

Even people who enjoy/prioritize fitness and working out can go through a bad stretch. 

Yeah I ran a ultra marathon between junior and senior year.  Had to get some work done to repair my foot and didn't let off the gas pedal for partying.  Thats how I gained 50 pounds in a year.  probably the most I have ever and will ever trash my body.  

Sep 20, 2021 - 11:36am

Tours over kid, cut the cord before months become years and you are even more attached. 

Either people care about their fitness and have it as a passion or they dont. A LOT of women can be naturally thin despite garbage diet, no fitness outside of a weekly run, and boozing multiple days a week while in college and early 20s. That shit ends soon though. ESPECIALLY once they get into a relationship.

The people who stay fit and age well make it a priority because they enjoy it. There are women (and men) in their 40s and 50s who look great because they would rather do a yoga class or bike ride on saturday morning than a booze fueled brunch. When getting into a relationship look for people like this, and if you aren't like this yourself become one. Find people with good habits (whether financial, socially, or with health) who live them every day as those are the ones that last. Gaining 40 pounds in a year is inexcusable unless she just birthed you a pair of twins. 

It's not superficial, selfish, or wrong to cut a short relationship off because you have different key values. Health/lifestyle is a key value. 

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 20, 2021 - 6:34pm

We do share key values (politics, religion), but I think physical health is not exactly a value? But rather a lifestyle. I could be wrong. It's kinda tough because otherwise she really is a phenomenal woman, that I'm sure will go places due to her internships/schooling at Columbia

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Sep 21, 2021 - 12:34am

Completely agree with MonkeyNoise. Physical health is absolutely a value. Sure it's a lifestyle, but if you're overweight (especially by 40+ lbs) then you clearly don't value your health, lack discipline, etc. Also, how you treat your physical health tends to spill over into most other aspects of your life.

Know that it's likely not going to change and if you feel this way now, it's only going to get worse.

Sep 21, 2021 - 9:43am

Physical health is a value just like finances are a key value. If you value saving/investing but someone else who doesn't make money just wants to spend yours - that would be an issue.

If you aren't somewhat aligned on health it WILL create an issue one day. Someone will have to bend. When it's a weeknight and she wants to do a happy hour vs you hitting the gym. Or when you are hungry at home and you want to make a kale salad and she wants to order pizza. Or planning a weekend you want to go hiking or running and she doesn't. etc. You dont have to be 100% on the same page as people have their own hobbies but health permeates into so many things that it will cause problems.

And lastly I will say the decisions you make in your 20s have a ripple effect into your 30s and beyond. You can get away with a garbage lifestyle 18-25 a bit, but after that there becomes a massive difference in people that are intentional with their health vs those that arent. Very similar to compound interest in a way

Sep 20, 2021 - 5:47pm

Personally if I was to find someone as wonderful as you're saying she is, I wouldn't care if they were a little overweight (I am a girl). I am obv not going to judge or tell you to not care about this. What i can say is that I am sure she knows that she's overweight and probably already feels insecure about it. It's very hurtful to have people that you trust point out your insecurities and use them as reasons to not be with you. I really don't think you should tell her. That said, I am a fitness rat lol and I work very hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle (have faced weight fluctuation issues in the past). If you'd like, invite her to work out with you or send her your favorite healthy recipes/ list of good salad places. Things like that. I really like having people around me who help me become healthier. But in a positive way. Body shaming's never helped anyone. 

Lastly, if this is an absolute deal breaker for you, just leave now. This girl deserves more and you should also be with someone that you're genuinely attracted to 

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 20, 2021 - 6:32pm

Okay thank you for the advice. Just curious though, what if it was your boyfriend in this situation who put on 40-50 pounds. How would you communicate it to him? Would it really not be a turn-off?

  • Intern in IB - Gen
Sep 21, 2021 - 1:21am

Personally if I was to find someone as wonderful as you're saying she is, I wouldn't care if they were a little overweight (I am a girl).

Umm so idk how brainwashed by mainstream media and big food you are, but 40+ lbs is not "a little overweight". That's pretty fat and will definitely lead to health issues down the road.

It's very hurtful to have people that you trust point out your insecurities and use them as reasons to not be with you. I really don't think you should tell her. 

Very much disagree. If you can't count on your partner to point out things like your weight that you've let slip, then who can you trust? I don't think you should harp on things they can't control, but massive weight gain is no different than having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol or drugs. Of course it should be done in private. 

I really like having people around me who help me become healthier. But in a positive way. Body shaming's never helped anyone. 

This is interesting and I understand it. Well actually I don't but I would try and be nice about it. Personally, I'd much rather someone flat out say that I've turned into a fat f*ck and body shame me until I start making an effort to change it. Then once I'm working out/eating right, of course encouragement is good. I guess that's probably just a personality trait from playing competitive sports. Personally, I do think that way more people need to be body shamed though. Once they're making an effort to change, then be encouraging. But no one should be content at 40lbs overweight.

To OP- if you're set on trying to make it work with this girl, I would go about it as a health/lifestyle change. I guess it's hard since you don't live together but maybe send her articles/ facts about health stuff all the time. For example, you could tell her about the negative effects of seed oils (cause inflammation in the body, truly awful for you actually and lead to diseases down the line). Also, you could tell her to cut processed sugars/ high fructose corn syrup. Say her skin will look better and it'll save her money on skin products. It'll also help her energy levels. Basically if she cuts seed oils/ sugars, she'll be forced to eat healthy foods and drop a bunch of weight just by doing that. 

Also, dont want to turn this into a covid thread but isn't there a stat that like 70% of hospitalized people from covid are obese? I mean you could just say you're concerned for her health and want to be able to grow old together.

Sep 21, 2021 - 7:43pm

Disagree. Body shaming doesn't help girls. It helps men a ton. I don't want to sound like some red pill/MGTOW zealot but guys always razz on each other if you get fat or out of shape. It helps, because that's just how men push each other, through crude blunt talk.

Sep 21, 2021 - 11:09am

You can get someone to change their lifestyle to become more active now, but that won't necessarily stick unless it's something they personally enjoy doing. Also, it's not uncommon for people to change their lifestyle as they age due to things happening in their life. The question becomes, do you need a partner who participates in the hobbies and interests that you have, or would you be content with doing your own thing?

In the long run, the lifestyle and interests of the person you're with will influence yours. If you're very passionate about sports and other activities, being with someone similar means you guys will most likely inspire each other to stay active. My ex-boyfriend and I always inspired each other to do many activities (martial arts, peak bagging, kayaking, etc.) all the time. It was cool because we both enjoyed exploring new activities. We didn't do activities to stay fit. It was just for fun. A lot of things happened in my life and I'm now mostly active for my mental and physical health. As someone who used to be really active in the past, I'm naturally inclined to turn to activities to cope with stress and other life problems. It's nice to have someone who's the same way. I like to have someone who can go on spontaneous adventures with or go on a whole day hike with for fun or when I need to decompress. It'd suck if my partner gravitates towards self-destructive activities and substances.

Generally speaking, if you find a very high quality person who inspires you and can challenge you intellectually, you should consider yourself very lucky even if they have physical appearance flaws. 

Sep 21, 2021 - 7:50pm

Honestly you're in a pretty bad pickle my friend. I want to say don't be a douche nozzle and tell this girl she's fat because that's just mean and you can't do that with women. But at the same time I wouldn't want to be with a girl that eats like garbage and never exercises because it's a total inverse of my lifestyle. I'd say start slow and bring it up gently by hinting it to her that you two should workout together and actually workout. I remember when I first started working out and was so lost and it was so easy to quit because I had no idea what I was doing, it's infinitely easier when someone shows you what to do. With that being said though, she's gonna have to want it herself. If she doesn't, then I'm sorry bro it's best to just move on, because this is definitely something that you two have to agree on because it's a lifestyle thing.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Gen
Sep 21, 2021 - 9:11pm

Wanted to drop a female perspective because some of these "relationship" posts are getting out of hand lol. What do you mean "heavyset" like 140 and you want her to be 110 again? Also, does she currently work out and eat well but can't seem to lose all the weight - because that is not unusual for women. 

If she is borderline obese / exhibits poor health choices, then you can spin this into a health conversation. But if your concern is "being more attractive than her", then please take a hard look at your priorities in a good relationship. Realistically speaking weight struggleis something most people go through at different stages, especially women. So if you find a perfectly skinny/'fit' girl right now, what is the guarantee that she won't ever put on weight... 

If you are not attracted to her because of her weight then it's fair to let her go. Because she deserves someone who wants to be with her no matter how much she weighs. 

Lastly, this post is a damn joke right?

Oct 12, 2021 - 11:34am

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  • Analyst 3+ in RE - Comm
Oct 12, 2021 - 11:51am

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