Interview: Tell me a joke

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What if you were asked for a joke during a superday? Any interesting and clean jokes you can share?

(Please also add some brief explanation. I'm an international student and have some trouble making sense of Western jokes, even if I know the meaning of all the words.)

Comments (77)

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 10:35am

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What’s past is past and can’t be undone. It has led to the circumstances we now face. All we can do is recognize our circumstances for what they are and make the best decisions we can, “given the givens."  - Howard Marks

 
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Sep 7, 2020 - 5:23pm

I had a buddy use this one in an interview:

A Pirate walks in a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender notices something peculiar about the pirate and can't hold in his curiosity.

"Hey buddy", the bartender says. "Why is there a wheel sticking out the front of your pants?"

"Yarr", the pirate replies. "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts".

 
Sep 7, 2020 - 7:40pm

"Whats the difference between beer nuts and a deer's nuts?"

"One will cost over a dollar, the other is just under a buck."

________________________

"Whats the difference between a juicy steak and a meteorite?"

"One is pretty meaty, the other is a little meteor."

________________________

"Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?"

"One is pretty heavy, the other is a little lighter."

Dayman?
 
Sep 7, 2020 - 11:38pm

One other really long one that I like a lot but probably isn't great for interviews, since we're tellin jokes. Heard this one from my dads friend pretty recently, got a laugh outta me:

One afternoon, an old man is sitting on his porch. As he looks out into the road, he sees a younger fellow walking by draging a something in the dirt behind him. The old guys says "Hey sonny, whats that?" and the young man responds "chickenwire." "Why do you have all that chickenwire", the old man asks, to which the younger gent says "I'm going to catch me some chickens!" Now the old man laughs and says "You aint catching no chickens with chicken wire!" But to his surprise, that evening, the young man walked by with a bunch of chickens caught in his heap of chickenwire.

The next afternoon, the young man walks by again dragging something different. "Whatcha got there?" the old guy asks. "Duct tape" says the young man. "Why you got all that duct tape?" the old man asks. The young man responds "Im gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man laughs again, and says "You aint catching no ducks with duct tape!" But sure enough, the young man walks by later with a bunch of ducks wrapped in the duct tape.

On the third afternoon, the old man is sitting on his porch and once again sees the young man dragging something behind him. "What you got there?" he asks, and the young man replies "Pussy willows." The old man says "Wait up son, let me get my hat."

Dayman?
 
Sep 7, 2020 - 8:52pm

Guy walks into a bar with a golden retriever.  Takes a seat when the bartender leans over and says "Buddy, we dont allow dogs in here."

Guy, obviously half in the bag, gurgles, "...but you dont understand, Goldie here is a TALKING dog!"  Bartender says, "Fine. prove it to me!"

"Goldie", the man slurred, "whats on top of this building?"

Goldie responds, "Roof" (must be said in a dog voice)

The bartender looks warily at the man as the man then asks "Goldie, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Goldie responds "Ruth" (again in a dog voice.

Later, the man wakes up in the gutter outside the bar next to Goldie after he has been thrown out.

Goldie looks over at the man and asks, "should i have said Dimaggio?""

Namaste. D.O.U.G.
 
Sep 7, 2020 - 10:04pm

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Then all of a sudden he picks his dog up and starts whirling the dog over his head around and around. The Bartender says "Man what THE HELL you doing?" The blind man says "Oh nothing just looking around."

 
Sep 7, 2020 - 11:39pm

A classic:

Micky in in the middle of a nasty divorce with Minnie...

...and he finds himself in front of the judge.  “I’m sorry, Mickey,” the judge says, “I can’t legally grant you a separation just because you claim that Minnie is mentally insane.”  “I didn’t say she was mentally insane,” Mickey replied. “I said she was fucking Goofy.”

Array
 
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Sep 8, 2020 - 6:12am

Context: Interviewing at DB / HSBC London

Your bonus. 

Array
 
  • Analyst 3+ in PE - Other
Sep 8, 2020 - 8:14am

Your firm is the best IB in [sector you interview]

Array
 
  • Associate 1 in PE - LBOs
Sep 8, 2020 - 9:32am

Have never been asked this, but if I were, this is what I would say: 

"While interviewing for an investment banking position, the candidate was asked to share a joke. Guess what he said?" 

At this point, the interviewer would probably say to the effect of "what?". 

I will respond: "This is a joke". 

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 9:42am

There’s a female golfer, and one day she gets stubs by a bee on the course. So she goes to a doctor and the doctor asks “where did it sting you”, and she replies “between the first and the second hole”. The doctor says “well you must have a wide stance”

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 12:46pm

My fiance fell asleep on the couch last night. As a prank, I decided to write "World's worst mum on her forehead."

When she woke up, I could hear her scream from the bathroom. 

I had no idea miscarriages ruined your sense of humour. 

I don't know... Yeah. Almost definitely yes.
 
  • Associate 2 in IB-M&A
Sep 8, 2020 - 12:51pm

Where do all of the unvaccinated children go play? 

The plague ground. 

Array
 
Sep 8, 2020 - 1:33pm

Anything that's not sexist, religious or racist and they'll pretend to laugh. 

"Full speed ahead, damn the torpedoes." -U.S. Navy General Farragut
 
  • Associate 1 in IB - CB
Sep 8, 2020 - 2:42pm

Why do French people eat one egg?? Because one egg is un oeuf (/enough)

Probably don’t try at BNP or Natixis

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 4:05pm

What if you were asked for a joke during a superday? Any interesting and clean jokes you can share?

(Please also add some brief explanation. I'm an international student and have some trouble making sense of Western jokes, even if I know the meaning of all the words.)

Cheesy dad jokes are a safe bet. I literally have a "clean" joke I can share with you that I actually used myself over a decade ago (back in undergrad) in a summer internship interview. It got me to the next round, but I ultimately ended up interning at a different firm.

Interviewer: "Tell me a joke"

Me: (caught off-guard, pausing to think for a few seconds...)

Me: "I have a confession to make..."

Interviewer: "...Yes?"

Candidate: "I used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean."

Interviewer: "LOL, nice"

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 5:17pm

A penguin is driving his car down the highway when suddenly smoke starts rising from the hood of his vehicle.  The penguin pulls the car into an auto-garage and asks the mechanic to have a look.  The mechanic replies "sure give me 10 minutes and I should be able to tell you what the problem is."  While waiting, the Penguin runs across the street to grab an ice cream cone from a local parlor.    

After 10 minutes has passed, the Penguin returns to the mechanic and asks, "so what seems to be the problem?"  The mechanic looks at the Penguin and says, "Well, I'm sorry to point this out, but it looks like you blew a seal."  The Penguin wipes his lips and replies, "Oh no, that's just Vanilla Ice Cream."

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself."
 
  • Prospect in HF - Other
Sep 9, 2020 - 12:27am

lol. i'm just imagining trying to tell this joke in person... enunciating the "F" and "Sh" really hard like FUH SHHHHHH, the interviewer getting confused, and then you have to write it down on paper to show what you mean

Array
 
Sep 8, 2020 - 6:02pm

Double punch line:

An economist and a hedge fund manager walk into a crowded bar. They both take a seat and simultaneously notice a fresh $100 bill under the table. The hedge fund manager says "look how smart we are, we sat at the table where no one else was willing to sit, and we found value where no one else was looking". The economist says, "non-sense, that isn't a real $100 bill, if it were someone in this crowded bar would have taken it by now". 

The hedge fund manager reaches down and picks up the $100 bill, which turns out to be real, and says "This is great, we will have free drinks tonight"!

A single tear rolls down the economists face as he says "There is no such thing a free drink".....

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 6:06pm

What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hand Eye. "Hand EeyyEEeeE will always love you" <you gotta belt out this part. Play on words of "and I will always love you" and "hand eye" sounding similar

full cheese I know. Likelihood of getting joked afterwards on is 9/10 but success rate of getting a response is 12/10

 
Sep 8, 2020 - 11:07pm

An officer in the French army during the revolutionary war looks at a British officer and asks, “Why the red coats? Don’t they stand out more?” The British officer replies, “So the enemy doesn’t see our blood when we are wounded.” The French officer goes back to camp to get some sleep. The next day, all the French soldiers report to post wearing brown pants.

 
Sep 9, 2020 - 6:14am

I'd be lying if I said I didn't laugh...I doubt the interviewer will though lmao. 

Bibi Apampa (Retirement Queen) will coach you and help you build a peaceful, rich, healthy and achievable Retirement Strategy, Build and Grow Wealth,Become A Serial Entrepreneur and Create Multiple Streams of Income For A Stress Free Retirement

 
Sep 9, 2020 - 6:45am
  • [Only if you're confident with the interviewer] Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump and swim well are already in the US
  • [Only if you're really confident with the interviewer and they've made some dark humor remarks already] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *make a gagging noise*
  • [Only if the interviewer is not Irish] How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Two; one to hold it and one to drink until the room starts spinning
  • [Only if the interviewer is not a woman or blonde] A blind man walks into a bar and says "hey, want to hear a blonde joke?". The bartender replies and says "Just to let you know Sir, I am a blonde woman who served in the Marines for 10 years, the other bartender is a blonde woman who is a black belt in Karate and our bouncer is a blonde bodybuilder". The blind man replies "Never mind, I'd have to explain it 3 times" 
 
  • Analyst 1 in PE - Growth
Sep 9, 2020 - 1:49pm

I would walk out of the room lol. I swear people running these interviews are a joke - there's no appreciation for the hard work and networking some people have to do to even get in the room, and they want to waste their time like that? 

Array

 
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Sep 9, 2020 - 3:32pm

I am a joke.

Array
 
  • NA in RE - Other
Sep 10, 2020 - 2:53pm

I'll say "I'm talking to one"

Array
 
  • Analyst 2 in IB-M&A
Sep 11, 2020 - 12:45am

Serious question– has anyone actually asked this / been asked this during a super day? 

Array
 
Sep 11, 2020 - 1:39am

Why’d the old lady fall into the well? She couldn’t see that well. LOOOOOOL

I got hit in the head by a can of Coke the other day. Good thing it was a SOFT drink! LOOOOOOL

“Ask me if I’m a tree.”
“Are you a tree”
“No.”

 
  • Prospect in IB - Gen
Sep 11, 2020 - 3:53pm

Courtesy of my finance professor:

 

What's the difference between men and bonds?

 

One of them matures.

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