Its been a bad couple weeks for markets so i thought i'd draw some dating analogies for different investing strategies in a attempt to get a laugh.
Traditional LBO - Date the hot girl with some daddy issues, treat her right for a bit, she matures and blossoms into wife material. Marry her.
Distressed/Turnaround Investing - Date the fat chick with nice features and bring her to the gym everyday. Seize controlling stake in her diet and control operations, realize healthy returns (PV of future 9/10 chick >>> the 6/10 girl that is currently ignoring your texts)
Long only mutual funds - Date and marry your high school girlfriend, nothing fancy/crazy but stable and potentially fulfilling
Commodities (Gold) - Hoards all the sex dolls in the world in case some disease wipes out the entire female population and people are forced to fuck sex dolls to relieve sexual tension.
Passive Index ETF investing - Waiting around and seeing what the dating market gives you. Might get lucky when your friend introduces you to a cute chick and realize solid returns, or maybe the 6/10 ignoring you decides to return your texts and u decide to lock that one in. In an extreme scenario, the market crashes and u may be forced to buy a sex doll off the commodities guy.
Arbitrage - Exploiting the fact that there are girls living in different geographies throughout the world. Dates one girl while getting nudes from another from across the globe. Unfortunately, this form of arbitrage is not really risk free (gf finds out and dumps your ass)
L/S equity - Talking to many nice girls while occasionally trying to chat up the hot but crazy chick. Risks are generally hedged, but there is a chance the crazy chick turns you into her personal therapist. Might have to consider getting some hedging options (a different phone number) to exit quickly and cut losses.
Global Macro - Moving to different geographies depending on which location has the hottest girls. May be hard to forecast future outlook - coronavirus may keep the girls indoors, giving them a conducive environment to snack and netflix all day, resulting in them getting fat and reducing hotness factor, depressing returns.
Quant - Sit in front of the computer, coding, hoping that your anime girlfriend will somehow come to life and marry you.
FX/Bitcoin day trading - Stay home and jack off to low quality midget porn while downing 7 cans of monster energy per day. Frequently flexes on instagram that his mentor joe has helped him make $3000 in 3 days. Seriously, who the fuck wants to date these tools.