Investing Strategies as Dating Styles

Its been a bad couple weeks for markets so i thought i'd draw some dating analogies for different investing strategies in a attempt to get a laugh.

Traditional LBO - Date the hot girl with some daddy issues, treat her right for a bit, she matures and blossoms into wife material. Marry her.

Distressed/Turnaround Investing - Date the fat chick with nice features and bring her to the gym everyday. Seize controlling stake in her diet and control operations, realize healthy returns (PV of future 9/10 chick >>> the 6/10 girl that is currently ignoring your texts)

Long only mutual funds - Date and marry your high school girlfriend, nothing fancy/crazy but stable and potentially fulfilling

Commodities (Gold) - Hoards all the sex dolls in the world in case some disease wipes out the entire female population and people are forced to fuck sex dolls to relieve sexual tension.

Passive Index ETF investing - Waiting around and seeing what the dating market gives you. Might get lucky when your friend introduces you to a cute chick and realize solid returns, or maybe the 6/10 ignoring you decides to return your texts and u decide to lock that one in. In an extreme scenario, the market crashes and u may be forced to buy a sex doll off the commodities guy.

Arbitrage - Exploiting the fact that there are girls living in different geographies throughout the world. Dates one girl while getting nudes from another from across the globe. Unfortunately, this form of arbitrage is not really risk free (gf finds out and dumps your ass)

L/S equity - Talking to many nice girls while occasionally trying to chat up the hot but crazy chick. Risks are generally hedged, but there is a chance the crazy chick turns you into her personal therapist. Might have to consider getting some hedging options (a different phone number) to exit quickly and cut losses.

Global Macro - Moving to different geographies depending on which location has the hottest girls. May be hard to forecast future outlook - coronavirus may keep the girls indoors, giving them a conducive environment to snack and netflix all day, resulting in them getting fat and reducing hotness factor, depressing returns.

Quant - Sit in front of the computer, coding, hoping that your anime girlfriend will somehow come to life and marry you.

FX/Bitcoin day trading - Stay home and jack off to low quality midget porn while downing 7 cans of monster energy per day. Frequently flexes on instagram that his mentor joe has helped him make $3000 in 3 days. Seriously, who the fuck wants to date these tools.

Region

Comments (38)

 
Funniest
  • Intern in IB-M&A
Mar 5, 2020 - 12:03pm

Venture Capital - Give expensive Christmas presents every year to all of your friends' daughters and then when they all turn 18 picking the best one and buying her a 50k engagement ring.

 
  • Engineer in Other
Mar 5, 2020 - 12:58pm

Funds of funds. Excuse me, did you just assume my investing style? I see beyond strats and feel free to seek alpha in whatever way I want. My fund's pronouns are they and them.

  • 10
  • 1
 
Mar 5, 2020 - 1:06pm

High frequency trading for those who build python tools that auto swipe on Tinder

Short only- hope all your female friends get divorced so you can scoop them up

Redevelopment (RE) - mentally break a girl down and rebuild her to be a better use

Fix and flip- your local plastic surgeon loves this one so much he got all 3 previous wives this way

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
  • 4
 
Mar 9, 2020 - 10:14am

In classic fix and flip fashion the bones aren't great though, yields long term asset managment issues (ugly kids) down the road.

Array
 
Mar 5, 2020 - 8:03pm

Nomura MD continued: Then hits up the maid cafe on the way home and buys his way in.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 
Mar 6, 2020 - 1:54am

Activist investing - Befriending your target's family and friends or aggressively inserting yourself into her circles and subsequently lobbying/campaigning intensively such that she is effectively forced to date you due to everyone else pressuring her to do so because you've convinced them that you will make her a better person if you date her.

 
Mar 6, 2020 - 8:58am

Hostile Takeover: ...self explanatory, but its brutal
Tender offer: whip it out in the bar and see who takes it.

  • 12
 
Mar 9, 2020 - 9:08pm

Block trade: approach a group of girls with your squad and a platter of drinks; only leave if everyone gets a match.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 
Mar 6, 2020 - 1:45pm

Hello, Based Department? You might wanna see this...

Array
 
Mar 7, 2020 - 2:33am

Fund-of-funds: Remember Joaquim Phoenix's Joker imagining that he had a smoking hot girlfriend throughout the course of the movie before it was revealed that they never knew each other and there was no return in the relationship in the first place? Yeah. That's you getting ghosted by every upper quintile fund.

 
Mar 7, 2020 - 6:50pm

Middle Market PE: Date a girl from a small town, shower her with fancy clothes and an expensive trainer and introduce her to successful people with the hope she turns into a supermodel.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." - George Bernard Shaw
 
Mar 8, 2020 - 12:24pm

Real Estate - Strike out at every bar downtown and get cucked by a god-tier M&A boi who achieves your wildest dreams. Go home crying and call your ex. Get rejected by her to. Settle for the trucker's daughter and eat potato chips in bed after sex. Apply Rogaine 3 times a day but notice no results.

 
Mar 8, 2020 - 1:29pm

Value-Add Multifamily (Real Estate): 1,000 guys DMing the same Instagram model progressively corny pick-up lines. By the time she finally chooses a mate you feel bad for the poor schmuck because he over-values her so much. He'll buy her minor cosmetic upgrades like new lips and butt shots but she'll keep the same shitty personality. Eventually he'll make his exit and the process repeats.

Industrial (Real Estate): Guy who goes for fat chicks with the rationale "not much to look at, but she gives the best blowjobs." Not sure if he's a genius or an idiot, but he sure gets a lot of blowjobs.

 
Mar 9, 2020 - 2:04pm

Angel investing: Gift a Louis Vuitton purse to twenty potential partners in crime. See who gets interested. Follow on with a few expensive gifts with a limited number of people. If one of them end ups being wife (husband) material, you have to walk away because you have already deployed all your money or just can't sustain the lifestyle. You are lucky if you have not lost all your money and are still single by the end of it.

Family office: marry someone from a very good family. The relationship is a bit boring, but family assets ensure a very comfortable and easy lifestyle. You are constantly looking for a younger / richer / hotter partner and most of your friends know about it. You spend lots of time with potential candidates, but never make up your mind because you are too risk averse to drop the lifestyle for something more fun.

  • 2
 
Mar 9, 2020 - 3:14pm

Late stage pre-IPO tender offer (i.e. SoftBank): date your friend's super hot but absolutely crazy AF girlfriend as the rebound once your friend has decided he's no longer interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with her and admits that he has been looking to exit the relationship for sometime then realize after the fact that you've made a massive mistake but continue to delude yourself with bullish notions of her "being the one" and continue to mistakenly believe that things are going to change

 
Mar 10, 2020 - 6:31pm

Cash under mattress: Necrophilia. Take her away from all her friends in the market who are growing, keep her as yours and only yours forever. Hopefully you don't have bugs and the humidity doesn't increase the decomposition rate.

 
Mar 29, 2020 - 6:26pm

Trend following - Bang the girls everybody else is banging, after approximately 50-60% of the other participants have banged her first.

Physical gold/silver - Chain up a crazy girl in your basement in anticipation of the apocalypse.

Online FX coach webinar-led trading - Take her clothes off and learn that she's actually a dude, after "she" already lifted your wallet.

Long only Investment grade bonds - Missionary in the dark with the lights off twice per year.

 
Mar 29, 2020 - 8:17pm
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