Excuse the rant, sometimes you have to air it out, and this place has made me who I am today, and I'm sure many individuals feel the same way I think.
I sacrificed everything to break in
I don't know where I went wrong, two years ago, when I had nothing and had no future working late nights in a dead end job with only a few classes at a community college.; I imagined if I was successful that I would be happy. Finance was/is what interested me the most after a lot of exploring and what I excelled the most at, so logically I pursued it, aiming to reach the highest peak. Coming from an extreme non-traditional background, I sacrificed everything to break in. I barely slept studying; I alienated everyone that I thought were bad influences, I gave up everything that I enjoyed that distracted me from academia and breaking in banking, I spent every second thinking how to polish myself in every aspect to achieve what everyone told me that wasn't too possible.
Top BB offer but I feel more broken than ever
In the end, I thought once I reached my goals that I would be happy, that I wouldn't stress out anymore about anything again, that I would enjoy competing and developing myself like I had grown accustomed to. I thought everything would be good for once, and now yet everything feels the opposite. I have achieved everything that I wanted to accomplish to this point in terms of internships. I managed to finally accept an offer at a top BB for next summer, and yet I felt nothing. I have more money than I have ever had in my bank account, more people trying to talk to me asking for advice, more people proud of me, but yet I feel more broken than ever.
Will it always be this lonely?
As I come in early and leave late nights at my current internship, I find myself not challenged by the work, I find myself repeating tasks that are too easy, I find myself exceeding with ease, I knew banking work wasn't hard, but I didn't expect it to be to this extreme. I'm filled with loneliness even though people surround me; I feel no joy in any of my work even when performed past expectations, I feel nothing. I'm so desperate for any affection that my emotions are easily controlled by any girl who I start talking to in a manner past small talk. I just wanted to be happy and feel something for once, and yet I cant.
I'm scared that life will remain to be like this for me. I have grown so tired of fighting, but I pushed thinking that once I reached the peak, that the sadness will go away, but yet it remains. I'm just so tired and want to sleep forever, the only thing keeping me going is those promises that I made to the ones that I love, that I would change our hellish lives into a paradise. I can't give up, but it gets worse daily, I just want someone to tell me that I will be alright. I just want to feel something besides this emptiness.