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Career Resources
It's a joke that they think I'm qualified.
A moth stops into a podiatrists office, and the doctor asks the moth what he can do for him:
“Well frankly doc, I’m pretty sure that my wife’s been cheating on me and I feel like I don’t have it in me to live anymore. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately and it’s starting to affect my work and my relationship with my children. What makes it even worse is that I just got laid off from my job and the bills are really starting to pile up.”
The doctor says, “Wow man I’m really sorry to hear that, this sounds like you’re in a really bad position, but I have to ask: why exactly did you come to me?”
To which the moth responds: ”The light was on”
Damn I laughed too hard at this
Norm McDonald is a comedic genius. Him telling that joke for a good 5 mins on one of the late night talk shows was just gold.
Norm is amazing and Norm's moth joke is so good. Props to Conan for just letting him tell it the whole time. Conan is great at that unlike others (looking at you, Fake Giggles Fallon)
**"At night, sometimes I wake up and I turn to some old lady, in my bed, on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.
My other child, my son Gregaro, I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes I see the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger, then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lay there on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all.
Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging onto my web with an everlasting fire beneath me."**
Whoever used my copy of microsoft office i will find you, mark my word :(. God its very cringe
So bad it’s (mildly) funny
nah it's so shit , i got to find a better joke asap
So Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer and and his lawyer says, "I'm sorry Mickey you can't divorce Minnie on the grounds that she is incredibly silly." Mickey replies "I didn't say she's incredibly silly, I said she's fucking Goofy"
This one really takes the cake.
I used this on Friday and I believe they absolutely loved it - so much that I saw a VP return to their common area and re-tell it. Thanks for sharing!
great to know I could help!
A girl I asked out told me “Why don’t you come over instead, no one will be home”
She was right. When I got there, not even she was home.
An hour later I called and told her “thanks for all the furniture”
"Your bank's TOP ranking the the league tables for deals between $63m - $65m"
My grief counsellor died last week, but luckily he was so good that I didn't even give a shit.
I got you, fam.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
This. Solid. Gold. Laughing for 1 hour now.
What did the deaf, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
C'mon bro
...... Hell Capital is going to poach you fam
I would never work for Tobin & Co.
I think my friend Jeff is gay.........
. . . . . . . .
But I don’t know.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
. I’m so bad with names.
Three guys die and are in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks Guy #1 how many times he cheated on his wife.
Guy #1 says "10 times". Pete says "that's not good but you're forgiven. Welcome to heaven, and since heaven is so big I'm going to give you a bike to get around."
Peter asks Guy #2 the same question and he says he only cheated on his wife once, early in the relationship and they worked it out and stayed together for 30 years. Peter says "that's good, welcome to heaven and here's a Toyota to drive around in."
Peter asks Guy #3 and he says he remained faithful to his wife over 60 years of marriage, never even looked at another woma. Peter says "wow that's great, welcome to heaven and you get a limo and a driver to take you anywhere you want to go."
A few months lalater Guy #1 and Guy #2 are hanging out and they see Guy #3's limo. They stop by to say hello and Guy #3 is sitting outside his limo on a bench, crying. They ask what's wrong and he says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
I love how there is literally a similar version to this where I come from, and we don't even speak English ahahaha.
"I've had pre-marital sex."
"What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
On a plane...
Stewardess: Hello sir would you like some headphones?
Passenger: Yes, and how did you know my name was phones!
Best joke: Tell the interviewer you respect and admire them.
Tell them they're the only place you want to work, you couldn't even fathom interviewing elsewhere without vomiting, and that you would accept the job on the spot with tears in your eyes.
Not a joke but
If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent it sounds like spice girls in a Scottish accent.
Once ye start, ye canny stop
For Christmas my wife hinted that she wanted something shiny that also goes from 0-250 in under 3 seconds. She filed for divorce after she found out I bought her a digital scale.
Stolen form Conan but...I asked my german girlfriend to rate me on a scale of 1-10 on how good I am at anal sex and she told me nein nein nein. I guess I'm pretty good
Here's a touchy one but I find it funny.
2 friends are just having fun cracking jokes. Guy 1: Makes a Holocaust joke... Guy 2: "Hey dude. You're a good friend and all, but that's kinda offensive man. My grandfather died at Auschwitz you know." Guy 1: "Oh. I'm so sorry man. I had no idea. I didn't mean to be insensitive... (Pauses) If you don't mind me telling, how did he die?" Guy 2: "He fell off the watch tower"
DISCLAIMER: I have many Jewish and German friends.
My go-to interview or general office joke because it’s long enough to kill some time and somewhat relevant to the job:
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are sharing a plane back from a conference when suddenly it falls from the sky and crashes on a deserted island. The three are the only survivors and there isn’t much to salvage from the wreckage of the aircraft - but, they happen to find some cans of food in one of the suitcases.
Amazed, they turn to each other and agree if they can open the cans, at least they won’t starve.
The chemist says: “Let’s start a fire. If we place the can inside the flames, the gases inside will heat and expand. It will then explode and we will all be able to eat.”
“Are you crazy?” says the physicist. “You’ll be cooking it for way too long, all the food inside will burn - we’ll have nothing to eat! We should go find a big rock. With the right speed and angle, we’ll hit the can,and it’ll bust right open!”
The economist starts laughing at his colleagues. “Guys, guys, both of you are wrong! The solution is simple: just ASSUME we have a can opener”
Buh dum tsss
Interviewer: "Well I majored in economics, is there anything else you think we do?"
Awkward silence ensues...
LOL
pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Cause she had no arms!
-How did Aristotle die?
-an excess of moderation
i slept with your wife last night. That's the joke.
Priest says to the Rabbi "Hey you want to got screw those kids?" The Rabbi shrugs and responds "Out of what?"
What do you call a Bee that entered the US? A USB.
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