LinkedIn Alumni Networking Inmail Format?

So how do I make this short and sweet with the highest probability of getting the recipient's attention and interest? I went to a very low tier undergraduate, however there are a few alumni at the big banks.

I was thinking:

Hi Mr X,

I recently graduated X university and noticed your profile here on LinkedIn. Would it be possible to talk briefly? I need some advice on how to make myself more attractive as a candidate in such a competitive environment as X. I have great ambition, and I am willing to do literally anything that is necessary to get my foot in the door. Let me know when you would have time to speak either on the phone or in person.

Thanks in advance.

 
Best Response
newyork:

So how do I make this short and sweet with the highest probability of getting the recipient's attention and interest? I went to a very low tier undergraduate, however there are a few alumni at the big banks.

I was thinking:

Hi Mr X,

I recently graduated X university and noticed your profile here on LinkedIn. Would it be possible to talk briefly? I need some advice on how to make myself more attractive as a candidate in such a competitive environment as X. I have great ambition, and I am willing to do literally anything that is necessary to get my foot in the door. Let me know when you would have time to speak either on the phone or in person.

Thanks in advance.

Make it shorter.

Who are you & what do you want. Quick, personable & not so desperate.

 

I completely disagree with @"matayo". I think it is worth it. I have gotten numerous interviews and replies for alumni. Recently, I reached out to two guys cold (not alumni) about jobs in PE and got interviews at one and reply at another. I ended up not taking the PE role but I did get the interview.

But a $10 inmail thing is definitely not worth it.

 

It is not two data points. As, I said I have gotten numerous replies from alumni. I just used two data points as an example. But if even one of these data points help you to get the job or even an interview then it is worth it according to me.

@OP: Linkedin premium account I am not gonna say is worth it or not. It depends. If it does not make a difference on your monthly expenses then I am going to say it could help. If it is too much then definitely not. Also an important thing to remember is that if you do it monthly then you cancel it at anytime.

All in all, I think LinkedIn is a great tool.

 

Linked in has told me that two people I sent inmail have checked out my profile. Would it be too forward to send them another inmail saying I noticed you were browsing my profile, I am more that happy to send my cv etc..

 

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