MD never sleeps (growing suspicious)

So I've had this hunch for a while and wanted to get others thoughts. Before you think I'm crazy and sleep deprived just look at the evidence I am about to bestow upon you all.

Over the past year I've been growing suspicious that my MD is a vampire... There are several reasons that have begun to bring me to this conclusion, which I have included, below:

(i) I have never seen him sleep and his email correspondence does not leave gaps in which one could conclude that he sleeps (e.g. emails all day with no major gaps in correspondence
(ii) I've noticed a direct correlation that the more well rested the junior bankers are the more his skin has a slightly grey-ish tone to it (e.g. could he be sustaining his immortality on our suffering? Just proposing the question here...)
(iii) I have never seen him walk past a mirror nor do we have any in the office, which seems odd no?
(iv) He was a major banker (think head of IB at elite boutique) and had over 30 yrs of experience and MBA but looks as if he is late 30s. Yet no look of any cosmetic procedures having been completed. Couple with the fact that there are never doctor appointments this portends to an almost ageless effect of the stressful nature of the job which seems dubious at best.
(v) He will consistently wear sunglasses outside even if it is not sunny. Anecdotally, he seems to heavily prefer the indoors.

Now I have no evidence for this, but I believe he could have a blood boy...

In light of these finds, I have bought garlic pills to begin taking, but I'm not sure if I should also keep some in my desk to avoid Friday evening fire drills...

Thoughts?

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Comments (27)

Mar 3, 2018

Report your suspicions to HR. They should be alerted.

    • 6
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Mar 3, 2018

I'm concerned about potential retaliation... I'll report back on if the garlic is an effective deterrent. I'm also thinking about bringing a cross to my desk as well, unsure if a metal one will suffice so I'm checking online for wooden variations...

    • 6
Mar 3, 2018

What ethnicity is he?

    • 1
Mar 3, 2018

I'm uncertain, though he could possibly be of jewish origin.

    • 4
Mar 14, 2018

Probably Romanian

Mar 3, 2018

The evidence is incontrovertible.

Mar 3, 2018

You're a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book. You're a vampire, Michael! My own MD, a goddamn shit-sucking vampire! You wait 'til Mom finds out, buddy!

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Best Response
Mar 3, 2018

it's called cocaine you moron

    • 105
    • 3
Mar 9, 2018

He'd look older, not younger

    • 1
Mar 15, 2018

You just made my day.

    • 1
Mar 5, 2018

Just remember you're safe in your cube as long as you don't invite him in. Would also recommend having your smartwater blessed by a priest, and sharpening a few "extra pencils" just in case. Godspeed @babyygotwacc

    • 11
Mar 5, 2018

Ask him to bite you. You're already his thrall anyway, and 80+ hour weeks won't seem so bad when you're immortal.

    • 13
Mar 5, 2018

What, and take away his one guaranteed release from servitude?

    • 1
Mar 5, 2018

So this happened

    • 10
Mar 5, 2018

Vampires are from royal family, that's why they can bring deals, your boss being the head is self-explanatory. Respect the minority

Mar 5, 2018
babyygotwacc:

So I've had this hunch for a while and wanted to get others thoughts. Before you think I'm crazy and sleep deprived just look at the evidence I am about to bestow upon you all.

Over the past year I've been growing suspicious that my MD is a vampire... There are several reasons that have begun to bring me to this conclusion, which I have included, below:

(i) I have never seen him sleep and his email correspondence does not leave gaps in which one could conclude that he sleeps (e.g. emails all day with no major gaps in correspondence
(ii) I've noticed a direct correlation that the more well rested the junior bankers are the more his skin has a slightly grey-ish tone to it (e.g. could he be sustaining his immortality on our suffering? Just proposing the question here...)
(iii) I have never seen him walk past a mirror nor do we have any in the office, which seems odd no?
(iv) He was a major banker (think head of IB at elite boutique) and had over 30 yrs of experience and MBA but looks as if he is late 30s. Yet no look of any cosmetic procedures having been completed. Couple with the fact that there are never doctor appointments this portends to an almost ageless effect of the stressful nature of the job which seems dubious at best.
(v) He will consistently wear sunglasses outside even if it is not sunny. Anecdotally, he seems to heavily prefer the indoors.

Now I have no evidence for this, but I believe he could have a blood boy...

In light of these finds, I have bought garlic pills to begin taking, but I'm not sure if I should also keep some in my desk to avoid Friday evening fire drills...

Thoughts?

Call Wesley Snipes.

    • 7
Mar 5, 2018

Based solely on this post and your handle, your talents are wasted in banking -- go get the WSJ to sponsor you as a columnist a la Matt Levine

    • 2
Mar 6, 2018

Dude, you're going to start taking garlic pills, and risk your bonus?!

Mar 8, 2018

Just love this thread. Basically sums up my office mood.

Mar 9, 2018

Try killing a bat and leaving it on his desk. If he freaks out, he is definitely a vampire.

    • 4
Mar 10, 2018

They should make a True Blood series about this. HBO would love it.

Mar 9, 2018

(iii) I have never seen him walk past a mirror nor do we have any in the office, which seems odd no?

Have you followed him to the bathroom?

Mar 10, 2018

What took you so long? The D in MD obviously stands for Dracula.

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."

    • 1
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Mar 10, 2018

omg is he is a real vampire ?? :0 :0

Mar 12, 2018

Your MD is a Vampire? Short the VIX.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 4
Mar 14, 2018

Carl Van Loon
Van Loon & Associates

Mar 15, 2018