no sense of belonging anywhere
Will try to keep this vague for anonymity, though might not be successful.
I'm in my 20s and have scraped together a decently successful/stable life, I've always worked hard and prioritized my career, recently have started thinking seriously about settling down and starting a family, that sort of thing. But over the past few years, for some pretty meaningful personal reasons have been struggling to try and basically hold together any sense of rootedness or identity.
I'm an only child of immigrant parents who divorced when I was very young; my dad moved back to our home country and my mom stayed in the U.S. Let's say that the relationship between these two countries today is not great, and fairly important geopolitically. The different paths they led split my entire life clean down the middle. Every year I spent a significant amount of time with each parent in each country. As a result, I've always felt pressure to develop in completely opposite directions culturally: language-, values-, and personality-wise. The older I get, the more that I feel these differences are literally polar opposites on many significant fronts.
The geopolitical relationship between the U.S. and the country-which-will-not-be-named came to a boiling point a few years ago and this triggered all sorts of intense emotional outbursts and screaming arguments between myself and each of my parents, for not completely reneging on the other parent and choosing one side only. As a result my relationship with both parents, and both sides of my family, has crumbled in serious ways so that I am now the black sheep ungrateful traitor of my entire family.
It's really hard to not have this weigh on me at work for a number of reasons, probably the most important of which is that I don't feel that I fit in anywhere because I guess I'm just a selfish, detested traitor to all. In IB people always say culture matters and you have to find a group you belong to, but what happened with my own parents just weighs on me like a ton of bricks, every day. The worst part is I can't talk to friends about this because it's like talking to someone who only understands 50% of you, and the rest is completely alien to them. On top of that I've realized both sides view my situation as a privilege, when it more often feels more like a curse, or a really sharp double edged sword dangling right above my head.
I realize this is a fairly specific situation but I'm just burned out and I feel like the weight of competing expectations is going to split me in two pieces. Would be great to just hear if anyone else has struggled to fit in / dealt with pressure like this. Thanks.
Hey man. Not the same situation but I can relate a little. Left home when I was 10 for school and am now in country number 5, hopefully my last one. It’s always been a struggle, don’t feel a connection to where my family is from and felt like an outsider wherever I’ve lived. I love my heritage but I’ve also never really lived it.
it took me a long time to see it, but the beauty is you get to choose to be your own person. Where you come from doesn’t define you, neither does where your family is from. You get to pick what values and principles are meaningful to you and carry those on.
it took me and the partner talking about having a family that got me thinking. What do I teach my kids, what values do I want to instill, that sort of thing. I don’t have an answer but honestly, I don’t feel lost anymore. My circle are either people who share this experience or appreciate it.
Not much to add except to say this advice is great. As someone with a similar background what helped me was exactly this focus on the life I wanted to build rather than looking backwards about everything that may or may not fit. As they say envy is the thief of joy so it helped when I spent less time thinking about what I didn't have relative to others in terms of roots etc.
Similarly the only other thing I would add is that it will always be a feature of you. As a finance person I was geared towards "solving" something that isn't really "solvable." Instead, I found it better to manage it bit by bit like some others have suggested in this thread. This helped me realize at times "ok I've spent enough time on a problem that is not easy to solve, let me go spend some time on problems with direct near term positive NPV for my life. "After some time, it has become far less of a dominant theme in my life but that is not to say it does not come up from time to time.
Thanks very much for the support. I know you're right--I definitely have gotten a lot of privileges from being able to experience both cultures, I can't deny that. I agree, the beauty is you get to have more options than a lot of other people do if you work hard at it. I'm glad to hear you were able to get over that part of your life--gives me motivation to get through this too. It helps a lot to just hear about other people going through a similar thing. Thanks a lot dude.
Hey. Similar to guy above, not in the same situation but can also relate a little. Left home at 15 for boarding school (in the same city my parents lived in... yeah, long story). Have moved around a lot also (although my experience here I would certainly classify as "privilege" rather than a negative cause of "No Sense of Belonging Anywhere").
The one area that I feel like I can relate to you is I have a tough relationship with my parents which I think started with being sent to boarding school (although if you knew me IRL, I'd honestly tell you it was the greatest thing that happened to me). My parents and I are not close. I am not an only child. Like many parents, mine have little idea what I actually do. However, I would label them as "gold diggers" and status seekers - all they know about my job is that I make bank. We don't have a great relationship. I don't have great affinity for any siblings either, whose values and behaviors match my parents pretty closely. For better or worse, the distance I had from my family (from an early age) I think has made me a better person.
My parents "think" they love me. They will confess that they do. But when you look at their behaviour, it is pretty toxic. Obvious things that I could point to that have very significant $ values. It's gotten to the point where I've had to distance myself. I have a family now, and I need to look after my kid.
I don't know if you've ever watch the Netflix special with Neal Brennan called 3 mics. I know everyone's situation is different and relationships with parents can be complicated. It's comforting to know that everyone struggles in their own way. I've effectively had to "emancipate" myself - which is a stupid thing to say at my age as I have a kid myself now. My relationship with my parents is not as bad as his (I wasn't abused). There were a few things he said that resonated with me. I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year (we finally had a large falling out - this could be the last one).
My situation seems like a joke relative to yours, but the one thing I would suggest you consider: cut them out. It's certainly a last resort move, but something to consider. I've done it and (I genuinely hesistate to say this), but it's been the best time of my life. To quote Neal: "No one wants to think their parents don't love them", but if that is the honest truth of where you are, find true love where you can. For me this is my wife, my kid and my friends. My friends are not fairweather and share no blood with me, only the experiences we created together, but honestly I truely love them and we have looked out for each other in good times in bad.
I wish you the best.
Thanks for writing out all this and the thoughtful reply. Your story really helps a lot. I've thought about cutting them out and trying to just build up my own life and am pretty much in that situation now, but I think the biggest struggle for me is ironically the set of cultural values from my dad's side that says "listen to your parents and respect and esteem them above everything else." But in the U.S. people recognize that guess what, your parents are human too, some parents are way worse than others and if you just obey them unquestioningly that often leads to all sorts of toxic issues.
That's awesome you've managed to build their own life and find security/support on your own terms. Kudos to you, really respect that you were able to understand your family and yourself well enough to manage all of that on your own. Honestly, "emancipating" yourself is extremely hard, at least it's been for me. Your family is supposed to be your safe haven, trying to distance yourself from that without guilt and having the courage to try and rebuild that safe haven out in the rest of the world isn't something most people should have to do.
My parents aren't terrible people, just really flawed. I want to maintain a relationship with them but the whole mystery is how to balance communications so that they learn to respect your boundaries and you as a person. Kind of similar to managing relationships at the office -- long heavy sigh here.
I'm checking out the Netflix show tonight. Good to get out of my head a little bit. Thanks man.
Not in the same exact boat but I can relate and empathize. Look, talk to a therapist or write more to get your thoughts out and articulate your resolutions. Life isn’t fair and the fact is some people are born misfits that don’t “belong” or “fit in”. If you don’t have the same support system as more privileged people you can cry about it a bit but then keep it moving. Be a good husband/wife, build a better life for your children, enjoy beautiful things and be grateful for the blessings you do have. Stay motivated to improve your lot and as years pass you’ll look around a see things have gotten better. A happy and content life isn’t easy and for most of us it requires hard work. Best of luck
Thank you. I know, I have to actually do the work now of putting my life together. Up till now I've tried every way to try and pull my family together but it's been nothing but a huge mess. Actually have to now start building other parts of my life too. Writing this helped a lot. I've tried therapists in the past but always felt it a little awkward (plus a RIDICULOUS amount of $$...). But I know what you mean. Just need to start now, one step at a time. Thanks man.
Therapists are a waste. Try meditation. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, brother. I have trouble feeling like I belong anywhere. Hope everything works out.
Meditation can be a hit or miss.
strongly disagree. Therapists are trained to help. Not all are equal though, might have to shop around for one that you can work with. Needless to say, this thread is a high value thread. Can definitely relate as a child of immigrants. No idea what to do with this sense of not belonging though. I guess I just try to use it as my edge and go with the flow.
In my experience, venting helps a lot to clear your mind about the situation at hand. You're right in saying that therapists are an expensive option. In my experience, they've helped to ask questions to think about my vices in a way that allows me to properly assess how to confront my feelings and move forward. I think asking friends, journaling, or even listening to music can do a similar job.
For context, I come from a single parent, immigrant family of lower socio-economic status, and I can relate to the pressure of expectations they have on you and how debilitating it can be. I think realizing that I wasn't alone helped a lot to make decisions and find purpose outside of home.
Take pride in your strength - despite your background and despite the difficulty in your career, you've made it as a 3rd year associate in investment banking. But also take time to look for who you are beyond your career and beyond the issues with your family. You mentioned your goals are to "settle down and start a family" - what else?
Ultimately, keep your head up and take things day-by-day. Many people love you and are proud of you - you got this!
Thanks--just having people listen even on this form helps a lot. Sounds like you grew up in a tough situation and turned out great. Hope I can do the same as you. Up until now I've planned so much around my parents and put in so much blood sweat and tears to save the relationship but starting today I'm going to try to more plan my life focused on the family I'm hoping to build for myself.
That sounds great and I wish you the best of luck on your journey! Feel free to shoot a PM if you ever need to vent.
Hey, I feel you buddy. Try not to let the politics and other negative things get in your life. I believe you are doing well financially after working in IB for a few years. I would say starting a family at the place you enjoy being at would be a great new start. It seems like your family is very toxic. You gotta leave all the toxicity behind to start a new chapter. That’s what all America is about - leave whatever bs from your home country behind and make a living here.
Thank you. I'm just going to say this, just to put this down in writing if it means anything at all, but I'm going to find a way to give back to this country, and what it gave to me. Including this job in IB. I don't really know how yet but I'm going to work on it. Just need to put this out there.
Thanks.
you don't have to fit in. just be yourself.
if you don't care about baseball, football, college basketball, just tell people you don't care. even if you lose your job cause you don't fit in, you will bounce back to a different job and won't be making less than $150-200k. people who managed to get into IB are very valued on the job market, and you don't have to fit in or whatever - there still will be a lot of companies interested.
in terms of family, you are an adult, why do you care to fit in your family. it's time to build your own family now. if some cousin in Bangladesh feels jealous about you making bank in NYC, it's their problem, not yours.
I lived in 6 different countries and yes, sometimes you don't feel you belong but sometimes you find people who share your experience and with whom you can have a genuine friendship.
good post.
So, I have lived in eight countries and other areas, have also moved/left each country multiple times and went back.
Generally speaking, I agree it is difficult to "fit in" in every place you go to. Time, culture, language, "the way things are done", dating, family relationships (and their opinions how your life should be or how you should behave) all come together in those situations.
Also, moving is always stressful even in one country, let alone in multiple.
The best way forward is to find your "main country", which is the place where you have the least issues personally, and make it your home base. It is helpful to carry out certain steps to make this country your emotional home also - examples:
- Go to a home/furniture store (like IKEA), and buy the most affordable item you really like that doesn't require a huge commitment or consideration, but you may not need. Make it a physical item that you have an emotional connection with and not a generic product or consumable item like trash bin liners or batteries. Ideas are a nice rug, a picture frame, a certain light fixture, something for your desk - a product you touch or look at or use at least once a day.
- Become a regular in a gym, bar, church, sports club, interest group or hobby group. Can be cars and coffee, the church service, a cafe, a bar. A place where people recognize you by name and say "hey mate, good to see you again, how are things"
- Try making as many new friends as possible through existing connections, your network, job, hobbies, sports, etc and become a reliable, good friend to them.
- Go into expat groups in your city (meet up is a good app for that) and join their conversations about this topic. Other people feel very similar to you and it helps talking about it.
One group that might identify with you are children of interracial, interfaith or intercultural marriages. There are huge opportunities here to discuss how they feel and I think it may have overlaps with your situation. Also, 1st generation immigration kids might have a similar thought process on some areas of life. Another group might be children of military, public service or UN families - they moved all the time and typically struggle in some areas like all of us.
A few years back a friend introduced me to a girl who was deaf. I don't speak ASL and thought, hey.. what in the world do I have in common with her?
She turned out to be one of my better friends now because we really do connect on aspects in life, values, and views - language here is not a barrier to a friendship, but a connecting element to what we have experienced in life.
another source
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid
f yeah 3rd culture kids unite!!!
Hey man, I'm actually in pretty much the same boat as you - one parent in each country (US and another geopolitically opposite country), both with differed beliefs, and just a tough time for me to find a sense of belonging because I grew up in the international school environment outside the US for quite a bit and would be in the US for summers, came back for uni here but took quite some time to fit in, now recently graduated and heading into new role, etc.
I've spent sleepless nights thinking about how this would work going forward in life but it's not quite the easy question to answer as you might know well yourself. I guess it is kind of easier that I have a sibling to talk about this from time to time. If you ever want to talk about it, and feel comfortable sharing - privately dm me. Theres not a lot of us in similar situations as far as I know but you're not alone.
I see two main issues from your post.
1. Sense of belonging: as a first gen immigrant, your sense of belonging was never on a solid footing. You will be caught between conflicting cultures, with your parents trying to anchor you in your native culture while outside home you are in a society with a melting point culture. This is pretty common in immigrant families. But, in your case, your parents being at war made this warped experience worse. With that said, ask yourself what exactly is sense of belonging? Is it being with your race? Customs? Religion? Depending on this answer, you may want to consider relocating back to the country where your dad is located. If, however, you are more progressive and can build a sense of identity independent of your ethnicity/ etc., then life in the American melting pot will work out just fine.
2. Parents: stop trying to be the glue/ referee. You don't need their baggage to drag you down any farther. You have been through enough trauma, and should focus on your life - career, leisure, spouse, kids, giving back to the community, etc.
I thought this was a really great essay on the need for roots. Hopefully it might help you. https://paulkingsnorth.substack.com/p/the-great-unsettling
I read this back when I Was in college. Great book, Simone Weil was a genius and it's remarkable that she wrote all of this when she was still so young.
This was very interesting. Reminded me of the book "Tribe" by Sebastian Junger. I feel that the US did have more of a cultural identity, which got deconstructed along the way esp with the Vietnam and Middle Eastern wars, and some of the critiques are valid but at the same time, when all there is to a US identity is just a line on the map for conducting business, I'm not sure how healthy this is for a functioning society. If your only connection to the US as a place is for it to be a means to an end to make as much wealth as possible...maybe that's why we've got the idiots running the show that we've got right now?
That’s a great point. Personally I think it goes a bit deeper than that. These issues seem to be most prevalent in the Anglican world but also the industrialized world. It doesn’t seem to be US specific. The EU and Canada have even worse leaders than us.
I sorta get where you're coming from. My parents are from Asia, yet I was born and raised in the United States in a pretty racist part of the country. Growing up, I was never truly American because of my skin, but whenever I visited my family in Asia, I could never fit in with them because I was too American. I was the only person in my family who didn't fit. I'm the youngest of my siblings, and they were all born in that country, so they all fitted in, but I never did. Really sucks, since I don't fit in family wise at all.
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