Relationships - Good chemistry?

Just curious, and I fully realize that this topic has been glazed over peripherally through the course of some of the threads in this forum. But based on my own recent personal experiences and conversations, I was wondering:

1) In terms of your criteria in a significant other, do you require a high level of substance (intellectually, culturally, social-economically) as well as a requisite for physical attraction, or is chemistry your only requirement? To put it another way, would you date someone who perhaps didn't go to college, and didn't contribute heavily to any deep conversations, so long as you had very good chemistry (however vaguely defined)?

2) Is there a double standard for men and women when it comes to this? Is it easier for a man to date what I just described above than a woman?

 

1) Depends- dating doesn't require a high net proceed of intellectual stimulation. If you are out there looking for more, (a long term relationship) I highly recommend seeing someone you can have a conversation with at the end of the day that consists of more than what shoe sales are going on. Chemistry is very important, but only lasts as long as she is totally into you. Needs to be more for a permanent play.
2) Probably easier for men, sometimes we just don't care if she can speak.....

 
newbie2banking:
I think men gor for looks more than women.

Haha I think that's a pretty well known fact.

If you ask what most men look for in women you'll hear some sort of physical quality being named (or in their minds at least they'll think of them).

Ask women and most will say they want a funny and confident (some of the crazier ones want cocky)

 

Sure, I'm not shy, but I'll keep it fairly vague. Within the past six months broke off a five year relationship, mostly due to the combo of distance and my work demands (college girlfriend). To give you a general idea, she was an incredibly sweet, caring individual that happened to be incredibly physically attractive (print model that appeared in a few national publications) and we had great chemistry but not alot in common. Afterwards I got the idea that I wanted substance over looks, so I dated a girl that had a blossoming professional career and was cute but nowhere near what my ex had been in that department. The list of things we had in common could go on for days. However, I quickly lost interest because in my opinion, there wasn't enough chemistry. Now I've met a girl who's more like the former than the latter, probably more so, and it's really got me wondering if that level of commonality and substance is really a requirement of mine.

Or maybe I'm just incredibly shallow.

 
GameTheory:
Afterwards I got the idea that I wanted substance over looks, so I dated a girl that had a blossoming professional career...

Only YOU can know what YOU want from a girl. and from a relationship. Personally, I'm with the poster that didn't care much for what the girl does as a career (as long as she's not a spoiled daddy's-girl!). But my more intelligent friends prefer a girl that challenges them and makes them think.

Besides the good, you gotta consider the bad... When she argues, is it short-lived and semi-rational, or does she go nuts, stay mad for a while, and bring that s*!$ back up later...

You gotta reflect...

 
Best Response

Hahaha, as long as you're not burning bridges left and right, I don't think it's a big deal. Clearly you've had enough experience to get an idea of what you want (or not?). If you haven't, do that soon. And don't paint yourself into a corner "maybe I like just this or maybe I only like that". If you want a hot sumtin', then whatever, go for that.

At the end of the day it's "chemistry" or better, "how well the two of you get along and enjoy each other's company". Who cares if she went to Harvard or Haverford, or whether she is a doctor or doctor's secretary. At the end of the day it's how well you click together. Maybe ambition, etc. have a part to do with that, but unless she's braindead and has no thoughts of her own (and even then you might find you still dig that, ha), then it's how well you handle someone. After all, you can't be banging her ALL the time. I mean, theoretically anyways.

 

It depends on what you plan on getting out of it. Would I date a girl who was beautiful and I had some chemistry with? Of course. Do I plan on marrying her, maybe or maybe not. Vice versa, if she had a great personality and some chemistry, it would be a maybe or maybe not. Are both you and her looking to just have a little fun, then why not.

Remeber you're young, so you have a lot of time to find out what you really want (also your wants will change as you get older).

This sums things up, except you need to add another axis for 'chemistry:' http://longorshortcapital.com/the-attractiveness-scale.htm

 

A woman's perspective...

A few months ago I resisted a gentleman who I will admit has absolutely been the best lover I've ever had. Reason I could resist and walk away is because at the end of the day the sex may be absolutely amazing but there's no deeper connection. So I lean towards dating someone with depth/substance. Besides the stronger a connnection, the stronger that chemistry builds up. Generally, most anyone can learn to be a better lover and even learn to take better care of themselves to increase their physical attractiveness. But few can compete at the depth/substance level.

 
aadpepsi:
A woman's perspective...

A few months ago I resisted a gentleman who I will admit has absolutely been the best lover I've ever had. Reason I could resist and walk away is because at the end of the day the sex may be absolutely amazing but there's no deeper connection. So I lean towards dating someone with depth/substance. Besides the stronger a connnection, the stronger that chemistry builds up. Generally, most anyone can learn to be a better lover and even learn to take better care of themselves to increase their physical attractiveness. But few can compete at the depth/substance level.

I know what you mean... http://www.someecards.com/upload/breakup/maybe_we_shouldnt_have_skipped…

 
aadpepsi:
A woman's perspective...

A few months ago I resisted a gentleman who I will admit has absolutely been the best lover I've ever had. Reason I could resist and walk away is because at the end of the day the sex may be absolutely amazing but there's no deeper connection. So I lean towards dating someone with depth/substance. Besides the stronger a connnection, the stronger that chemistry builds up. Generally, most anyone can learn to be a better lover and even learn to take better care of themselves to increase their physical attractiveness. But few can compete at the depth/substance level.

So that's why you left me.

 

Hahaha, I love Someecards.com

On a side note - is it wierd or normal that with the exception of high school its generally a very short time frame between first meeting a person and the time you sleep together (average is probably 3 dates)? I've always felt it was on the shorter side but that's just comparing to what I felt was the social norm, which admittedly is not a good benchmark.

Here's the thing: the last thing I want to do is talk about work when I'm done working. I have guy friends I talk to about politics, sports, economics, public policy.

We'll see. I have a date with a banker chick in NYC coming up. Might be an interesting dynamic.

For newbie2banking - I don't put up with the crazy girls. Show one sign of the crazy and you're done. I like them very very laid back.

 

I have no idea what the real "average" is, but sleeping together after 3 dates, in my opinion, is rushing it.

Maybe that's what it is? You are getting sexual before you get a chance to become intimate and that makes things weird? Just throwing some ideas out there.

I'm a total prude in that I believe in waiting for at least 6 months. So there's the disclaimer.

 
Woman:
I have no idea what the real "average" is, but sleeping together after 3 dates, in my opinion, is rushing it.

Maybe that's what it is? You are getting sexual before you get a chance to become intimate and that makes things weird? Just throwing some ideas out there.

I'm a total prude in that I believe in waiting for at least 6 months. So there's the disclaimer.

I'm not arguing that 3 dates is rushing it. In fact, with this new girl it was basically the third time we hung out, 2nd date (technically). 6 months is unreasonably long to me, though. Here's the way I see it - guys know within 10 seconds if they want to sleep with you or not based on your appearance. As long as the girl doesn't blow it by being incredibly annoying or dull, chances are good that by the time the girl is ready to have sex, the guy will be, too. Now, you may wait 6 months to have sex but I'm willing to bet you are a good enough judge of character to know after a few times if a guy is sex-worthy. I just feel like alot of people in their mid 20's decide after a few dates and then go ahead with it, that's all.

To your other point, the cute girl with the blossoming career didn't have the same connection despite everything we had in common. On top of that, I felt like I kept comparing her physically to my ex, as unfair as that was. And while she was much more interesting, I need physical attraction first and foremost. That makes me sound incredibly shallow. Oh well.

 
GameTheory:
I think if you were to ask me to pick between "above average intelligence" and "extremely good natured" all things being equal I would pick the latter.

Come on, you don't want a girl who's hot and smart enough to be a pain in the as$?

Banker girls can be either a great date or make you want to jab your steak knife in your ear. It could be a great date because they have the banker-level of sarcasm, dry humor, cynicism, and elitism that is tough to find in other people. Also... since they don't have much time to date, if you're tolerable, it'll take less than 3 dates. On the other hand, the only thing I hate talking about more than Secx & the City, glitter, or ponies is banking. Just because they think their dads are interested about hearing how great their job is, that other men have the same level of tolerance.

 
GameTheory:
I hear you, GnT. This banker chick is pretty cool, but she's high maintenance. Definitely one of those girls that "fell into" banking and is trying to find a way out that doesn't involve being anyone's bitch (so all finance jobs are out).

What do you mean by "high maintenance"? I'm curious to find out what's considered "high maintenance" for you guys in banking. (i.e. refusing to eat in the dining hall with your date is considered high maintenance for some college students.)

 
sleepisfortheweak:
What do you mean by "high maintenance"? I'm curious to find out what's considered "high maintenance" for you guys in banking. (i.e. refusing to eat in the dining hall with your date is considered high maintenance for some college students.)

Gifts, dinners at nice restaurants, vacations at exclusive locales, basically everything that requires alot of money. I mean, let's face it - we're talking about a girl who makes a good chunk of change in her own right and is used to some of the finer things without a boyfriend. On top of that, you need to impress her given that her lifestyle now is just a base standard.

 

Personally, being with someone that has a lot in common with me can get quite dull. I'm a believer in chemistry and the way two people interact with each other. Some people balance each other out very well--this type of relationship is one where the two of you grow the most, and the source of that growth is your interaction with someone who isn't quite the same as you.

I would say that there are things that need to be the same in order for things to work. For everyone, these things will inevitably be different. For some, social economic status is an area that must overlap, for whatever reason, while some others would require that their significant other share in their intellectual capacity etc.

For me personally, my best relationships have been with girls who enjoy the finer things in life, but don't necessarily need them (i.e. won't gasp in disgust at a bill from cipriani, but wont expect me to take here there every night) and who share my "drive", whether that be drive to become a doctor or a successful model. Aside from these core commonalities, everything else goes.

To your original point GameTheory, I think chemistry is more important than sharing everything in common with your mate. If everything were the same, I would get bored and move on. As far as waiting goes, if you are taking things seriously with the girl, 3 months would be the longest I would wait. Anything longer than that and you have to start questioning why you aren't connecting physically. Candidly, the sex is best within those first 3 months of dating, bc everything is new and you are excited to be with that person, so waiting longer may take a toll on the quality of your physical relationship. Keep in mind that the physical relationship is a significant facet of the overall relationship, and any detriment to the physical is a detriment to the emotional.

 

Nope. Not the Hummer Dude. LOL :)

Actually... it was an ex colleague. When I used to work with him he all but needed to walk past me and I'd get the symptoms, i.e. flustered, the "girls" would perk up and I'd have to hold onto the buttons of my blouse to keep it from busting open :-)

Anyways, we started dating several months AFTER I left that job. Come to think of it, perhaps the sex was hot because it was a release of all that time secretely desiring him at work. That and the fact he held back absolutely nothing in "talent". He he.

 

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