Relationships Through Early 20's
Curious to hear stories from those in this age range and above....
Relationships can be fabulous, but often times it takes several to find the right one. Far too often I think younger people, myself included, put far too much weight into the role their significant other plays in their life and sacrifice their well being in an attempt to make something last... when maybe it shouldn't.
For those of you that are willing, I'd love to hear stories pertaining to a specific time you found yourself contemplating if the relationship was worth continuing even though at that moment it may have sucked. SB's for those that elaborate on why they made the decision that they did, if when looking back they think it was a wise decision, and what, if anything, you may have done differently.
I understand this may be a relatively futile endeavor, but I'm hoping I might be able to steal some insight... and if nothing else, remind myself that everyone goes through the ups and downs.
Cheers
90% of the people here are virgins in college. My answer though? Don’t go for the relationship. Just bang bro. I remember one time I hooked up with a girl and she was like in love with me afterwards cause I fuck so good. But I was like nah I’m not about that life. See you around
First time I've heard it put that way. Based on that statement I'll swear on my left nut that you're in that 90%.
I was barely paying attention when I wrote that. Spend more time getting laid and less time correcting my grammar
Are you 13 years old?
I'll take a swing at this. Currently in my early 20's right now.
I had a long term, on-off relationship for several years. She was (and will always be) very special to me. I worked full time while going to UG and did UCLA Extension. As you can imagine, that put a strain on things. In spite of her being pretty damn supportive, it just didn't work out. Life happens. We made it work as much as we could. After many long talks, I called it off. Kind of regret the decision every now and then. But the constant fighting was distracting me from what I needed to get done. Sleepless nights suck especially when you're getting dressed at 5:00A the next morning to make a 2 hour drive to get to a meeting with someone.
Recently got into a new relationship and am happy with her. It is the start of things, so we shall see what happens a year or longer in.
Lesson I've learned: Make time for the person. A simple "Thinking of you" text goes a long way and takes two seconds to send. I have a policy that if someone interferes with my career it's done. Not sure if that is the right way to live life.. find what works for you.
Feel you to the max on sleepless nights... That and not being hungry/skipping meals sucks on another level.. Thank you for the response though. Definitely helps me to keep things in perspective
I feel you on that. I go through both ends of the spectrum. When I’m stressed I tend to either not eat all day or eat a ridiculous amount. In the fashion section I commented that my weight fluctuates between 190-220. In the past month I’ve been getting healthier (with the encouragement of the new gf, she seems to be genuinely concerned about my health lol) and am back down to 195.
Mid-twenties, and am in a happy relationship currently, but my previous one was a disaster that I learned a lot from.
A couple months before I moved away from my home town and to a new city to start my first job out of undergrad I started a relationship with a girl, and we gave long distance a shot when I left. Pretty easy flight back home, and my schedule was flexible enough that one of us traveling about once a month was doable.
It was my first time doing long distance, but it was also my first time dating someone with mental disorders. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I suspect she is also an un-diagnosed bi-polar and narcissist. Also came with a packed bag full of "asshole" ex-boyfriends, and at the end I realized that there was only one common denominator with all of them.
Basically, I regret making a lot of effort to keep the peace in that relationship when there were problems (which happened with increasing frequency). I prioritized her ahead of my other friends and opportunities to grow my social circle when I first started working, and while I never sacrificed at work for her I definitely sacrificed opportunities to get ahead on my own time.
At the time, I rationalized a lot of the things I put up with because she would blame everything on her depression or experiences with ex-boyfriends and therefore weren't really her fault. There was also a fair amount of gas lighting (her towards me) that I didn't pick up on for a long time. Since I didn't have any prior experience dealing with someone with mental issues I thought her excuses were something I had to accept.
Eventually the insanity became too much for me and I finally saw the light and dumped her. My happiness increased immediately and it was noticeable in nearly all areas of my life.
I definitely have a ton of regrets over specific things I put up with that in hindsight would be an immediate kick to the curb. But I did learn a lot of good lessons about the sort of things that I want in the person I'm in a relationship with.
SB especially for the comment about “asshole” ex bfs. Sometimes it really is true. But if it’s a consistent pattern it either shows what type of guys she selects or maybe (just maybe) it’s not the guys....
Exactly the impression I got from my 2 exes who fall into this category. Its a no go for me now...
I'm in my late 20s, had a handful of serious and casual relationships during my early/mid 20s. Some were great, some weren't, but they all taught me something. Anytime a relationship didn't work out, something better always came along. I see so many of my friends bend over backwards for girlfriends/wives, make sacrifices she wouldn't make for him in a million years, and let their relationship/marriage define them. A significant other should enhance your life, not dominate life.
I could go on about this for an excess amount of time but I'll keep it brief here. Generally, guys should hold off on getting married until their 30s at the earliest, if they even get married at all. Remember, as you get older, the power in the dating market shifts over to men. You are the prize, not the other way around.
Yeah, optimal path would be to find a woman 1-2 years out of college (independent, not on daddy's dime, adjusted to real world) when you are early 30's. She could have multiple children by 30 (lower risk of birth defects) and you will be earning enough $ to support the family.
In my late 20's, now engaged. Had multiple serious relationships through my 20's.
Ask these questions. If any of them are no, then break it off. 1. Do you see yourself potentially marrying her? 2. Does she love you unconditionally? 3. Do you both have a clear idea of whether you want kids? If so, who will be the primary breadwinner?
In my view, seriously relationships are a waste of time if not leading towards marriage.
Solid checklist. Gonna use that from now on
How do you know the answer to the second question? In our position of mostly 20-something male with a nice amount of money. It is quite difficult to figure that out since, in my experience, even the most intelligent man become blind when he is in love, which can expose him to the risk of convincing himself to believe in a false reality.
I know because my fiance's biggest goal in life to have a family, raise children, and retire comfortably. Her biggest fear is that my career / lust for power will get in the way of this. She doesn't have a Louis Vuitton bag nor wants one. She wears little make-up and doesn't wear flashy jewelry. There is not an ounce of keeping up with the Jones' in her. Run far away from materialism, high-maintenance, and a woman with the mindset that current life/reality is never enough. Find someone who tries to enjoy every moment of life and is constantly thankful for what they have.
Some shit tests for women are taking them on coffee, casual lunch, and stroll in the park type dates. Then, get them a small gift (
> 2. Does she love you unconditionally?
This is unbelievably underrated, and when you're in your 20s just chasing tail you tend to forget about this (thanks hookup culture), and this is why I think so many people end up in the wrong relationships. When you're in that single/playing the field mode you are looking for fwb's, not wife material. If you do this for too long your brain will unconsciously and automatically seek women with the DTF FWB traits, and then you end up in that viscous cycle of failed relationships, and you keep asking yourself why things aren't working out. So my advice, if you're looking for that solid LTR/future wife, you're going to have to de-program your brain and really think about the traits you want in a partner rather than zeroing in on that hookup. There's a good chance you've forgotten what a healthy, loving relationship really is.
Great point - agree 100%. I gave up on chasing women every weekend, been there, done that. I feel like it's kind of immature to hook up with a new girl every week once you reach a certain age, say 25ish.
Will quickly share my experience on the whole relationship vs career element.
I'm in my mid twenties right now and currently living abroad for work. Safe to say, before making the international move, I was left choosing between my serious relationship and an amazing career opportunity.
Here's the situation, was in a 5 year relationship with this girl I met before uni even started. It was great when we lived in the same city, and I potentially saw myself marrying her in the long run. But as we graduated uni, the career options in my local city weren't that great and I ended up getting a job in a major financial hub instead. It wasn't too bad, a couple of hours drive/train back and forth.
So we did long distance for about a year and half, which although was working, strains were already starting to appear. Tried our best to talk on a daily and I saw her every month or so, but I did have a few international assignments so it could go for a few months without seeing each other. Ultimately, I was offered an opportunity abroad... like across the ocean abroad. If anything, this was the nail in the coffin for the relationship. Was faced with an ultimatum, stay or its finished.
Lesson I learned? I don't regret my decision at all but its important at this age to reflect on your priorities in life. I'm sure many of the people on this forum wouldn't hesitate to make the same decision I did but if any of y'all are faced with a similar decision, do what makes you happy not what others tell you. I've come to realize that although living abroad is an amazing experience, from a personal and professional perspective, you are sacrificing a lot of your social life back home.
Appreciate the somewhat contrarian viewpoint, thank you for sharing
In my mid 20s, have had a long series of many short term relationships. Don't really want to get too serious about marriage or kids until mid to late 30s, which is probably why I never get much further than a few months.
There are still a few that sting a bit having let them go, but I don't think I would have made it where I am today with them in my life.
Most likely going to end up with a younger girl which is pretty chill, have been able to date 21 year olds for like 4-5 years now which is both good and bad. I figure my future wife will be between 3-7 years younger than me, and we probably won't get together until I'm 30+, so just trying to have fun with it and see what makes me tick.
how the hell do you date 21 year olds? They're babies (assuming you're 24+). I'm in my mid 20s and couldn't take a girl seriously unless she is 23 & up.
Hence why I said good and bad. The good part is that they're fun, the bad part is that they're incredibly immature, but think they are grown up.
I stayed with my now-wife of 4 years over a pair of Timberland boots. I was 22 and she was 20. She worked at Dicks Sporting Goods and they had some employee-only online catalog. I was selling weed at the time and binge drinking - all very consistently though. I looked through it and saw a pair of Timbs for a good price. Now these weren't your regular ol' 6'' Kanye-ass buckwheat backic ass Timbs. They were the elusive 8'' Timbs. Very rare. Very desirable. I already had the 6'' Timbs. I traded them later to my at-the-time-buddy for a bag of molly. He wanted to give them back later for my gold Timex, but I wasn't having it. So now I had a Timex and some molly. Except I did all the molly immediately and that was the time I went to the ER for essentially very severe blue balls. Because it's a myth molly is good for fucking. It actually inhibits the ability to cum and even boners in higher doses. So anyway. I biefly had a Timex and molly. I had a Timex and blue balls for longer. And then I spent some time on ativan being looked down upon by med residents but with much less blue balls, so it was OK.
Right so anyway. She told me she ordered these Timbs. And I waited and waited. And I was just going to give her the money when they came in. So I wait and I wait and the Timbs never come. Well we have a road trip to Canada planned coming up. And I'm getting bored of this chick. She isn't making gainz rapidly enough in the departments I low-key but very seriously track and she doesn't seem to have an opinion on anything. Like yo you can't just have no thoughts on anything. If you run into that problem, homegirl is most likely intimidated by you and afraid to say something you disagree with on accident. You gotta sit her ass down (more like gradually begin to sprinkle in) that you're not trying to date a replica.
Anyway, so I decide again and again to stay with this chick 'til the Timbs come in and drop her like 3 days later. Seriously, I was making a lot of footwear-based life decisions at the time. Well the Timbs finally arrive and they ended up not fitting how I like. Turns out 6'' is the perfect height for Timbs. And buckwheat is a pretty good color for them too. Kanye was onto something all along. I look at them and it looks like they just came from Zappos - not some secret catalog. Turns out, the discount Timbs never even existed! She said she ordered them on the site, but the wrong size came. And then she returned them and they didn't carry them anymore by then. So she ended up buying them on Zappos. So she paid like $250. And I guess I didn't realize how broke this chick was at the time because I guess she pawned some shit or ate peanut butter for a week or whatever. So looking back on it, that was a good lesson to always pay people in full and on time, at least. 'Cause you never know how someone else's cash flows look. And somewhere between then and now, we got very good at communication, understanding one another, all that shit, etc.
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