Should I invite my neurotic PM to my wedding? I don't want to, but what are the consequences?

Long story short, I'm a senior analyst at a small fund, with my PM and junior analyst (who is new and who I train). I really hate my PM (he's a psychopath, overbearing, and is often abusive) --only reason I stick around is for the pay check and end-of-year carry (which is substantial), and my PM won't get rid of me because I manage too much of the book of and I've shown the ability to generate profitable ideas. I even got promoted lol. Anyways, I'm planning my wedding, and the last person on earth I want to invite is my boss. He's a total a**hole, and I hate him with my guts. How do I break to him that I'm not inviting him to my wedding? He knows I'm engaged, and has even made jokes about him getting the wedding card invite soon. How do I go about this without jeopardizing my career here? Also, would he even let me go on my honeymoon if he's not invited to my wedding? Also, the wedding is happening sometime in 2021, when COVID eventually ends.

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Comments (16)

Jun 5, 2020 - 12:20am

You must be a quant. Just tell him you're looking to keep it cheap and easy...it's a small close family/friends wedding.

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  • Quant in HF - Other
Jun 5, 2020 - 5:03am

I didn't invite any of my colleagues to my wedding and no explaining was necessary. Is it common in your firm that you invite colleagues?
You can always say that the location you chose only allows you to invite a small number of people.

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Jun 5, 2020 - 5:14am

I have worked in various companies, the difference in wedding invitation etiquette was like night and day. In some companies the entire department was invited to a special event with drinks, food, and more.
In other companies not a single person from the business was invited.

What I have learned: if you are a fairly social guy who builds relationships: invite people you have issues with. Chances are that you will get along better with these people afterwards. Even the most negative manager will change in some way if they see you as more than just a colleague.

You can even step it up a little bit:
If this guy has issues, try to help him. Is he single and desperate to meet someone (but is not capable or too ugly to handle this himself?) - introduce him to some random/average chick at your wedding.

It is normal even for bad bosses to imagine that they are seen as capable, friendly and "a part of his employees life". Make them feel like they are, even though it is not the case.

Inviting your boss to your wedding in order to mend fences is a small price to pay. The return on this investment is much better than many other things you can do.

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Jun 8, 2020 - 5:31pm

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. The reason I don't want to invite him is because..well..he's such a toxic person. A wedding is supposed to be a joyous/happy occasion, and the LAST person I want to see at my wedding is my abrasive boss who I have the displeasure of seeing 60+ hours in a week. My family knows how I work and my thoughts on working with the guy, so they understand where I'm coming from. Can't I just take a break from seeing this guy, and not invite him?

Jun 8, 2020 - 5:49pm

I'll offer a slightly different perspective, as I'm not sure if C8 is married him/herself and has had their own wedding. For context to what I'm about to proffer, I am married. While I agree in theory with C8's sentiment, your wedding is YOUR day. The single biggest day of your life so far. It should be everything you want it to be and yes it should be absolutely perfect. If that means not inviting someone who you think has even the slightest potential to put the slightest frown on your face, by all means that person should not be invited. You should not have to justify who is and isn't on your guest list. I'd agree with previous commenter who suggested letting him know it'll be close friends & family only (or say no coworkers), and that was a decision your future wife and you both mutually came to.

Have you asked your fiancee about this? What has she said? If she's reasonable and fairly aware of your work situation and relationship with your PM, I imagine she'd probably not want him there if it would upset you. This should be an early lesson in the importance of spousal communication and openness.

There's no right or wrong answer here and just wanted to offer different perspective from someone who went through the process of planning a wedding and getting married. There are definitely pros to having your PM there which were mentioned above and I agree with, but it's for you to decide if it's worth the potential of having your big day ruined. Good luck.

Jun 8, 2020 - 6:26pm

Not sure how big/small your wedding will be, but if you invite other colleagues, it's likely that they will stick together and you won't interact with them more than 5 minutes - ie welcoming them, small chat here and see ya at the office in 2 weeks.

There are people I truly hate in my team but I think I could deal with that for my wedding.

Funniest
Jun 9, 2020 - 12:28pm

How does your boss, whom you hate, even know that you are engaged and are planning a wedding? Obviously, you told them, and you talk about these personal things at work,

This is a big NO NO

1 thing i've learned...and you seem to need to learn...is how to keep your mouth shut.

if you don't intend to invite someone to an event...then they should never know it exists.

i keep personal and professional life completely separate. the people i work with have no idea if i'm single or married....or where i live...and i intend to keep it that way.

where you going? "out"
who you going to see? "people"
what are you doing? "stuff"
you coming with us? "can't"
why not? "stuff"

i might be a sociopath...but this makes my life much easier...and perhaps you can learn a life lesson here

since you fucked up rule #1....the best you can do now is just say, in passing, one time "we're keeping it small...just immediate family...might not even happen...we might just goto the couthouse" and then STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AT WORK.

For your honeymoon...don't call it that. A honeymoon is just a vacation. When the time comes, just say you are taking 2 weeks (or whatever) vacation...you'll be hiking in the jungle to unplug and unreachable. If asked where...just say..."not sure exactly...but definitely in the jungle...wish me luck"

Jun 9, 2020 - 12:56pm

Tbh this sounds like psychopath level behavior. But if it works for you have at it. Don't mess with a winning formula

Honestly, I wouldn't want to work with people or for a company where I couldn't have personal relationships with my colleagues. One of the things that takes the sting out of working in a stressful industry is that you work with people you can trust or blow some steam off with. We go out for lunches maybe every other Friday and beers once or twice a month.

If you have a good relationship, these things don't happen. I am recently engaged as well and when the guys were giving me shit about wedding invites and stuff I just said ZFG family and friends only. Couple of jokes here and there but everyone has been in that position and totally understands.

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