I will try to be brief. This is a confessional post so go easy on me.
In August, 2017, I had flu that lasted for several days. I wasn't going to work and my friends came over one day as I didn't want to go outside with them for obvious reasons. We ordered pizza, played video games, watched a movie and just shooted sh*t. After some time, we got bored. Out of boredom, as silly as we were, one of my friends suggested we look for our old classmates on Facebook to see how they were doing in their lives and what they looked like. The same friend also had an old obsolete account with his pictures, posts dating back to 2008 and all, created back in the same year which was pretty convenient at the time. We blocked people he knew and removed his posts and comments that could give away his identity. We came across someone I used to greatly admire and idolize. We sent her a message but she didn't respond as it most likely went straight to her filtered inbox. We gave up after messaging a few of them and not getting any responses. It quickly became boring and after an hour or so, they all left as it was getting late.
Fast forward to late March, 2018, she replied to that message we sent her more than 6 months ago. I didn't check that account but it was saved on my laptop. When you're using two different accounts on Facebook, you usually get notifications from the other account as well so I checked it out of curiosity and found her response. I was excited and quickly changed the password of that account and privacy settings. Of course, my friend didn't care, it wasn't his current account after all.
With time, we started conversing more and more. We talked besides chat too but I didn't tell her who I was out of the fear of losing her. We shared our secrets, fears, joys and had some deep level conversations. It was amazing that we had so much in common (some things I told her about me were true and some weren't) and we connected on a level beyond the superficiality. I began developing feelings for her and just told her because I thought I had nothing to lose and the worst that could happen is her rejecting me. To my surprise, she reciprocated.
This went on for months before she started demanding me to meet her and transition to the next level (that was to be with each other IRL). I made excuses (long distance/other shortcomings) until I couldn't take it and just contacted her from my real phone number on Whatsapp as the catfish's friend. I was being myself and I tried to demonize this persona I had developed in her mind. I don't know what I was trying to do but I thought that would at least push her away from the catfish. It seemed to work at first. She was extremely disappointed in the catfish while the real me tried to console her. I guess it was too abrupt, I just couldn't wait but the real me asked her out when she was still trying to get over the catfish. She just blocked me without saying anything.
I was frustrated and once again decided to take refuge in the sock persona. I know this was stupid of me and I could've stopped it at that moment but I was in this spell. I missed her badly and couldn't focus on anything. I (the catfish) tried to explain why "he" (real me) tried to demonize me (again, the catfish) and clear any misunderstandings. I guess her attachment and urges overpowered her wisdom and objectivity and she reconciled with me. Since then, we have been fighting on and off. I have been the one to start them always because I don't want to keep her in this dark never-ending tunnel. I used to fight with her all the time in attempt to move away from her thereby doing us both huge favors but the heart wants what it wants. I would always come back after every fight, apologize and reconcile, and she would accept me back with open arms. I couldn't tell her the truth but I was also a victim of this perpetual vicious cycle. I just couldn't control it.
It has been an year now and we fought again. She is always so forgiving (for the catfish at least) and I just wish she wasn't. I just wish she would refuse to take anymore bullsh*t and stop responding to my messages. You see, it's hard for me in that I can't tell her the truth out of fear of losing her (which I probably already have) and neither can I contact her again from the real me because I'm sure she already hates me. I'm in this deadlock that is eating me alive. Secondly, the guilt of doing all this to her.
I wish I could just go back in time and just inbox her from my real account on the very first day so I wouldn't have to make all these stories. But hey, we were just being silly and I never thought she would go on to become an important person in my life. I still miss her, I love her, I think about her all day long, I sometimes cry in my bed at night alone, it's taking a toll on my physical and mental health, I have thought so many times of offing myself. I know you might say the best medicine is meet new people, date and all that but I have tried that and I can't do that. I see her everywhere. I try to look for her in other women.
I know I'm a terrible person for doing that to her. I should be ashamed of myself and my guilt has made me cry for her. Trust me, I never even thought of doing something like this and keeping at it for an year, let alone planning on it. It just happened.
To concerned woman, I intend to muster up courage to send you a link to this confession one day. If you're reading this, I'm genuinely sorry. I will have you forever in my heart. I don't want to get anything out of this but the satisfaction of leading you towards the light.