Should I just kill myself and be done with it once and for all?

anachistgt3's picture
Rank: Baboon | 131

I will try to be brief. This is a confessional post so go easy on me.

In August, 2017, I had flu that lasted for several days. I wasn't going to work and my friends came over one day as I didn't want to go outside with them for obvious reasons. We ordered pizza, played video games, watched a movie and just shooted sh*t. After some time, we got bored. Out of boredom, as silly as we were, one of my friends suggested we look for our old classmates on Facebook to see how they were doing in their lives and what they looked like. The same friend also had an old obsolete account with his pictures, posts dating back to 2008 and all, created back in the same year which was pretty convenient at the time. We blocked people he knew and removed his posts and comments that could give away his identity. We came across someone I used to greatly admire and idolize. We sent her a message but she didn't respond as it most likely went straight to her filtered inbox. We gave up after messaging a few of them and not getting any responses. It quickly became boring and after an hour or so, they all left as it was getting late.

Fast forward to late March, 2018, she replied to that message we sent her more than 6 months ago. I didn't check that account but it was saved on my laptop. When you're using two different accounts on Facebook, you usually get notifications from the other account as well so I checked it out of curiosity and found her response. I was excited and quickly changed the password of that account and privacy settings. Of course, my friend didn't care, it wasn't his current account after all.

With time, we started conversing more and more. We talked besides chat too but I didn't tell her who I was out of the fear of losing her. We shared our secrets, fears, joys and had some deep level conversations. It was amazing that we had so much in common (some things I told her about me were true and some weren't) and we connected on a level beyond the superficiality. I began developing feelings for her and just told her because I thought I had nothing to lose and the worst that could happen is her rejecting me. To my surprise, she reciprocated.

This went on for months before she started demanding me to meet her and transition to the next level (that was to be with each other IRL). I made excuses (long distance/other shortcomings) until I couldn't take it and just contacted her from my real phone number on Whatsapp as the catfish's friend. I was being myself and I tried to demonize this persona I had developed in her mind. I don't know what I was trying to do but I thought that would at least push her away from the catfish. It seemed to work at first. She was extremely disappointed in the catfish while the real me tried to console her. I guess it was too abrupt, I just couldn't wait but the real me asked her out when she was still trying to get over the catfish. She just blocked me without saying anything.

I was frustrated and once again decided to take refuge in the sock persona. I know this was stupid of me and I could've stopped it at that moment but I was in this spell. I missed her badly and couldn't focus on anything. I (the catfish) tried to explain why "he" (real me) tried to demonize me (again, the catfish) and clear any misunderstandings. I guess her attachment and urges overpowered her wisdom and objectivity and she reconciled with me. Since then, we have been fighting on and off. I have been the one to start them always because I don't want to keep her in this dark never-ending tunnel. I used to fight with her all the time in attempt to move away from her thereby doing us both huge favors but the heart wants what it wants. I would always come back after every fight, apologize and reconcile, and she would accept me back with open arms. I couldn't tell her the truth but I was also a victim of this perpetual vicious cycle. I just couldn't control it.

It has been an year now and we fought again. She is always so forgiving (for the catfish at least) and I just wish she wasn't. I just wish she would refuse to take anymore bullsh*t and stop responding to my messages. You see, it's hard for me in that I can't tell her the truth out of fear of losing her (which I probably already have) and neither can I contact her again from the real me because I'm sure she already hates me. I'm in this deadlock that is eating me alive. Secondly, the guilt of doing all this to her.

I wish I could just go back in time and just inbox her from my real account on the very first day so I wouldn't have to make all these stories. But hey, we were just being silly and I never thought she would go on to become an important person in my life. I still miss her, I love her, I think about her all day long, I sometimes cry in my bed at night alone, it's taking a toll on my physical and mental health, I have thought so many times of offing myself. I know you might say the best medicine is meet new people, date and all that but I have tried that and I can't do that. I see her everywhere. I try to look for her in other women.

I know I'm a terrible person for doing that to her. I should be ashamed of myself and my guilt has made me cry for her. Trust me, I never even thought of doing something like this and keeping at it for an year, let alone planning on it. It just happened.

To concerned woman, I intend to muster up courage to send you a link to this confession one day. If you're reading this, I'm genuinely sorry. I will have you forever in my heart. I don't want to get anything out of this but the satisfaction of leading you towards the light.

Comments (35)

Apr 24, 2019

idk maybe but read this book first then reconsider:
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
by Kay Redfield Jamison

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/

Apr 24, 2019

No. Don't do it.

Also, you've built up this relationship so much further than it is. Bro you don't even talk on the phone with her. If you can't see her in person or even connect over the phone, it's not a relationship.

Wtf did I just read.

Apr 24, 2019

I said I've talked to her, just never video chatted or anything like that.

Most Helpful
Apr 24, 2019

No, you shouldn't kill yourself, but this is some of the lamest shit I have ever read

    • 10
Funniest
Apr 24, 2019

i know you hardly skimmed that shit man come on

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/

    • 5
Apr 24, 2019
anachistgt3:

I will try to be brief. This is a confessional post so go easy on me.

In August, 2017, I had flu that lasted for several days. I wasn't going to work and my friends came over one day as I didn't want to go outside with them for obvious reasons. We ordered pizza, played video games, watched a movie and just shooted sh*t. After some time, we got bored. Out of boredom, as silly as we were, one of my friends suggested we look for our old classmates on Facebook to see how they were doing in their lives and what they looked like. The same friend also had an old obsolete account with his pictures, posts dating back to 2008 and all, created back in the same year which was pretty convenient at the time. We blocked people he knew and removed his posts and comments that could give away his identity. We came across someone I used to greatly admire and idolize. We sent her a message but she didn't respond as it most likely went straight to her filtered inbox. We gave up after messaging a few of them and not getting any responses. It quickly became boring and after an hour or so, they all left as it was getting late.

Fast forward to late March, 2018, she replied to that message we sent her more than 6 months ago. I didn't check that account but it was saved on my laptop. When you're using two different accounts on Facebook, you usually get notifications from the other account as well so I checked it out of curiosity and found her response. I was excited and quickly changed the password of that account and privacy settings. Of course, my friend didn't care, it wasn't his current account after all.

With time, we started conversing more and more. We talked besides chat too but I didn't tell her who I was out of the fear of losing her. We shared our secrets, fears, joys and had some deep level conversations. It was amazing that we had so much in common (some things I told her about me were true and some weren't) and we connected on a level beyond the superficiality. I began developing feelings for her and just told her because I thought I had nothing to lose and the worst that could happen is her rejecting me. To my surprise, she reciprocated.

This went on for months before she started demanding me to meet her and transition to the next level (that was to be with each other IRL). I made excuses (long distance/other shortcomings) until I couldn't take it and just contacted her from my real phone number on Whatsapp as the catfish's friend. I was being myself and I tried to demonize this persona I had developed in her mind. I don't know what I was trying to do but I thought that would at least push her away from the catfish. It seemed to work at first. She was extremely disappointed in the catfish while the real me tried to console her. I guess it was too abrupt, I just couldn't wait but the real me asked her out when she was still trying to get over the catfish. She just blocked me without saying anything.

I was frustrated and once again decided to take refuge in the sock persona. I know this was stupid of me and I could've stopped it at that moment but I was in this spell. I missed her badly and couldn't focus on anything. I (the catfish) tried to explain why "he" (real me) tried to demonize me (again, the catfish) and clear any misunderstandings. I guess her attachment and urges overpowered her wisdom and objectivity and she reconciled with me. Since then, we have been fighting on and off. I have been the one to start them always because I don't want to keep her in this dark never-ending tunnel. I used to fight with her all the time in attempt to move away from her thereby doing us both huge favors but the heart wants what it wants. I would always come back after every fight, apologize and reconcile, and she would accept me back with open arms. I couldn't tell her the truth but I was also a victim of this perpetual vicious cycle. I just couldn't control it.

It has been an year now and we fought again. She is always so forgiving (for the catfish at least) and I just wish she wasn't. I just wish she would refuse to take anymore bullsh*t and stop responding to my messages. You see, it's hard for me in that I can't tell her the truth out of fear of losing her (which I probably already have) and neither can I contact her again from the real me because I'm sure she already hates me. I'm in this deadlock that is eating me alive. Secondly, the guilt of doing all this to her.

I wish I could just go back in time and just inbox her from my real account on the very first day so I wouldn't have to make all these stories. But hey, we were just being silly and I never thought she would go on to become an important person in my life. I still miss her, I love her, I think about her all day long, I sometimes cry in my bed at night alone, it's taking a toll on my physical and mental health, I have thought so many times of offing myself. I know you might say the best medicine is meet new people, date and all that but I have tried that and I can't do that. I see her everywhere. I try to look for her in other women.

I know I'm a terrible person for doing that to her. I should be ashamed of myself and my guilt has made me cry for her. Trust me, I never even thought of doing something like this and keeping at it for an year, let alone planning on it. It just happened.

To concerned woman, I intend to muster up courage to send you a link to this confession one day. If you're reading this, I'm genuinely sorry. I will have you forever in my heart. I don't want to get anything out of this but the satisfaction of leading you towards the light.

Never Happened.

Array

Apr 24, 2019

You've been firing off the "never happened" comments pretty hard lately lol.

Tbh this is such literal fuckboi scripture that I think it has to be real.

Apr 24, 2019

Dude I didn't read this but the title but don't.

If you want to kill yourself and think life doesn't matter, think of it this way. Since life doesn't matter in your mind then you can just do whatever the hell you enjoy or makes you happy (obv assuming u aren't harming anyone).

Apr 24, 2019

No, no matter what your story says the answer is simply no.

    • 1
Apr 24, 2019

Dude what even is this. Absolute soy. Why did you do any of this? This was so confusing.

But pls don't kill yourself. What will that even accomplish.

Apr 25, 2019

I don't know. I liked the idea of her initially. By the time I wanted to tell her the truth, we already had great intellectually simulating conversations that I never really told her the truth out of fear of losing her company. I got stuck in this procrastination cycle also that is I'd always put off telling her the truth, like one more day and so one and now it has been an year.

    • 1
Apr 25, 2019

I feel like you telling her the truth would be incredibly damaging to her. Like yeah she may have liked you over messenger or whatever but like how on earth is she gonna trust you at all. Kind of a lose-lose scenario you got going.

Apr 24, 2019

I kinda got lost in the middle there, but just be real with her and lay it all out on the line. You have nothing to lose at this point since it seems like she hates you now.

Apr 24, 2019

Hit the gym and bang her friends, she'll come back

    • 1
Apr 24, 2019

delete all social media
go for a run outside
communicate only in person to other humans
see a therapist

    • 5
Apr 24, 2019

If nothing else, choose the "see a therapist" part... please.

Apr 26, 2019
StaphyBone:

delete all social media
go for a run outside
communicate only in person to other humans
see a therapist

ditto. do this OP, don't kill yourself

Apr 24, 2019

Pls delte

    • 3
Apr 25, 2019

thx

    • 1
Apr 26, 2019

Delete Facebook

Hit the gym

Lawyer up

    • 2
Apr 26, 2019

Why do you want me to lawyer up? lol

    • 2
Apr 26, 2019

You don't have to. That was idiotic of them to say.
But don't kill yourself. That is also idiotic and more damaging to your friends and family than you would ever think.

    • 1
    • 1
Apr 26, 2019

Wall Street Oasis, everyone!therapist

    • 2
Aug 7, 2019

Here's some real talk - if you hate yourself then figure out why and go on the attack. If you are fat cut calories and exercise. If you are ugly get a haircut, a tan, and a new wardrobe. If your career sucks then learn new skills so you can upgrade. If you suck socially then watch some comedy, force yourself into new situations, and find those who will accept you.

Whining and bitching will just dig a deeper hole. Listen to this guy - this is the best motivation and advice you can get.

Aug 7, 2019

Dude seriously do not kill yourself. Your infatuation with that girl is just brain chemistry that will go away. I know it can fuck you up for a while because I've been there too, but it'll be fine with time. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Also, try to reconsider your approach with women. Do not become too dependent on some girl you're not sleeping with. I would try to read some literature on dating from a mans perspective (the rational male, 3% man, no more mr. Nice guy, etc). Also watch YouTube videos of Corey Wayne. His advice on dating is outstanding and he's got tons of videos.

Forget about the chick! Do not contact her! From what your saying she's not into you although you are! Any contact between you two will just cause more pain for you! If she reaches out to you make clear to her that you want to date her and nothing else and if she says no never look back until the end of your life.

Array

    • 1
Aug 7, 2019

uh...

Aug 7, 2019

Suicide is lame. Have you had so much to drink and then wake up the next morning and then suddenly realise that you are alive and remember most of what happened the night before. That is the greatest moment ever. Keep living man.

    • 1
Aug 7, 2019

Simply, just the thought of doing that is beyond any one person alone. You are your own person, but also you are the mix of everyone else that is near you. Simply giving away to your life is selfish as there are people out there who want to be there for you, and want to be your friend. Finding someone you like is smaller than keeping your life. You can always find someone new, but you cannot ever find a new you. Once you are gone, you are gone. Living, breathing, and just in the moment in your current life is way better than death. Even if you want to be alone, live and be alone and enjoy your life by yourself; there is so much to do and not enough time to do it. Be optimistic, because in life the little things count. I do not know who you are, but I do know if I did meet you that we would be good friends just judging by your nature and personality. There are a thousand me's who would do the same thing and be your friend through it all. So trust me, live your life to the fullest and these small hurdles and obstacles will always come, but at the end of the day your family, your friends, and the life you create is the most important. Let mistakes be mistakes, let bygones be bygones, and always just keep a smile on your face. I wish you the best and if you do need a friend please do not hesitate to reach out, I would love to be a helping hand!

Aug 7, 2019

Absolutely NO, DON'T DO THAT!

Women ain't all we're advertised as; go to a suicide prevention hotline, a therapist and reddit...someone there will have good advice for you.. Sounds crazy, but you will avoid a TON of agony like this woman's caused you if you stop chasing pussy and do shit for yourself. I'm sure this is a whack in teh facecoming from a female ape, but seriously, your life is worth a lot more than some chick's batty eyes and fleeting smile. DON"T DO IT

Aug 7, 2019
Comment

'I'm jacked... JACKED TO THE TITS!!'

    • 1
Aug 8, 2019
Comment

I'm a fun guy. Obviously I love the game of basketball. I mean there's more questions you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself. I'm not just gonna give you a whole spill... I mean, I don't even know where you're sitting at