> Both seniors, working in NYC FT next year
> She wants to, I’m leaning against it
> If we are still dating at the time we move in (would assign a high probability to this) will have been ~2 yrs together (so ~14 months as of now)
In particular, would be helpful to hear anecdotes from those who were faced with this decision, what they decided, and in hindsight any reflections they have. I have SBs.
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Why are you leaning against it? You'll have been together for two years. If you consider this a serious relationship, you will have to do this at some point. If you don't consider this a serious relationship, then don't do it, and you should probably also break up and stop wasting both of your time.
From a financial perspective, it's certainly helpful to be able to split rent. It's also a good litmus test for whether you two will survive long-term.
EDIT: Neglected that this is right out of college. Spend a year on your own or with dude roommates. Both are experiences that everyone needs to have.
Would only recommend if you know your relationship is extremely healthy. If you are splitting costs then you can obviously save a lot of money. But also consider what could happen if either of you do something stupid and now you're stuck in a lease together. Living with a group of your guy friends can be a lot of fun too tho
IMO give it at least a year in having a separate place. I think 14 months is way too soon (I get that you’d be together for 2 years by then but you’re kind of making the decisions right now). I haven’t been in your situation but I plan to live with my gf two years from now but she will be in Boston while I be in NYC. By then we would be dating for 4 years which I think is more of a solidified time frame. Ultimately it’s going to be up to you. If you think she is the one and dont have any problems then go for it. If not then consider at least a year of not living together.
So a few logistical thoughts before giving my anecdotal thoughts.
lease signing in NYC is generally a month before move in date. That is the sweetspot and that is when you would normally sign your lease for the year. So given FT training is in July, you would ideally start looking for places in May/June as most places won't let you sign a lease for a July move in date more than a month out. . generally "high probability" is not a good measure to go by. In those whole process just don't think about that. The apartment search is something you will undertake 6 months from now this really is not an issue for now.
I have three cases I can specifically bring up mine and two of my friends. One of my buddies has been with his girlfriend since freshman year (5 years) and they live together postgrad now in UES. I have been with my gf for 4 years and moved in post grad. We both knew one year in that these were the girls they wanted to marry and so had zero doubts after the one year mark that we would stick with these girls wherever they go which is what made our decisions a lot easier.
My other buddy has been dating his gf for 2 years and is starting to have these discussions and the biggest issue they both face is they are really confronting the reality of their relationship. His GF works in NYC now but would eventually like to move back to the country she is from (France/Holland/Belgium) while he has no interest in doing so. They are working through it, but that is what is causing both of them to hesitate on this move.
If you do not 100% see yourself marrying this girl, would not recommend post grad. I would talk to her and see if this is something you all can defer one year out. College relationships are very different from real life ones. Secondly, it is fun having the nyc experience with your friends and I highly regret missing out on that (in the sense of having the bro-cave, not in that I regret my girlfriend).
But most importantly, this is a decision for six months out when you actually have to start working. So I would wait till then before giving any concrete decisions.
Either get married and live with her or get your own place.
You won't be able to have sex if you don't live with her.
Live with her.
Pizz, no.
But sex feels amazing
You can have sex at 2 places, but trust me a clean break is a great out to have in a relationship if you want out.
Incorrect. When you live apart, you bang every time you see each other. When you live together, familiarity breeds boredom. The sex dropoff from living apart to living together is real and it's serious.
Is that what happens in marriage?
No, if you live with her then you can't have sex with strange.
Don't live with her.
I saw your comment on the Reddit post where a Uchicago guy got mad that he got ghosted by a state school girl. How tf were you defending him lmao I go to Uchicago too.
Lmao, I was waiting for someone to notice my two profiles.
Wasn't totally defending him, just saying we needed more context.
I do appreciate other your other posts "Where is the best place to hook up on campus?", "My Biological Urges Cannot be Restrained" and "What do you look for in a hoe?" Furthermore, you exhibit leadership by maintaining r/ChicagoPrinciples. I hope that's on your resume.
If you truly care about her and love her more than anything, I don’t see why you don’t wanna move in. It’s gonna be tough after college and those types of relationships always seem to end. Not saying it’s gonna happen to you but if you don’t step up it will probably happen.
I understand and agree with your point in the fact that eventually, if both are serious they will have to move in together. At the same time, you make a point that
Which is what I in general think happens to people. One problem here, and something I do think you should consider, is the fact that the relationship could end immediately after moving in. This happened to two very close friends of mine who moved to NYC. Similar situation, guy didn't want to move in together and gal did. Gal quickly finds out she doesn't like rooming with the guy and gal breaks up with him.
Even if you are close and serious, don't discount that moving in could be the nail in the coffin that you are trying to avoid by moving in.
That said TheEmperor, if you really love this girl, and think that marriage may be on the table, I'd say go for it, but with caution. Relationships in real life are challenging and there will be unforeseen challenges and sacrifices that both of you are going to have to make to stay together. I wish you the best with the situation!
I don’t really believe in blind love as you’ve described. I love her more than any previous woman and have no reason to end things, but I still think it’s valid to want to spend my first year out of college living with some friends.
There is not a lot of logic here. If he loves her he should marry her before they move in or live separately.
I can’t begin to explain how many problems arise when you’re hooking up with your roommate. You don’t want to do it.
Can you elaborate further?
If any issues arise you have no safe space. You both have to sleep next to each other. Having space and separate apartments give some breathing room.
I’ve been through a breakup in a shared place and it was living hell. You’re going through a breakup and you don’t know if you should stay and get another roommate or both move out. It’s a logistical nightmare.
Also, I have been in a situation where I hooked up with a roommate in NY and then wouldn’t hook up with her anymore and she got pissed and jealous to the point where she called 911 and made up a story to the cops. In NY when there is a domestic issue, the male automatically goes to jail, so I was sitting in jail with a restraining order that said I couldn’t return to my own place. I had to move out on a court appointed time and attend hearings for 6 months because this girl made up a story saying I harassed her and called her 6x day when the phone records said I called her 0 times per day. It took over 6 months for the prosecution to drop the case - she just wanted to see me suffer.
Trust me, there are a million things that could go wrong and you just need your safe space until you determine that this girl is the one. There is a different type of crazy that arises when you live with a girl and things go wrong. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And the worst thing about a woman scorned is maybe you didn’t even do anything. Maybe it’s all in her head - but you have to deal with it.
That day I went to jail, I got out 30hrs later at 4am with my ID and 10 bucks on me, had no credit cards and no phone. I was homeless. There was a restraining order that said I couldn’t go back to my place and I found out later this girl stole the cash out of my wallet, stole my skateboard, and put all my paintings on the roof. My neighbor later told me and said she saw them up there and took them down for me.
Jail is downtown in NYC and I had to get to 55th St. to buzz on possibly the only person who could take me in. Food in jail was terrible - nearly inedible stale white bread and American cheese, but they did have milk so I asked other people for their milk (group cell). I was hungry still though when I left and spent $2 on an Orange and had $8 to my name. I thought about buying a Subway ticket, but if my friend didn’t answer the door at 4:30am, I’d be screwed. I decided to walk the whole way and was starving and exhausted when I got to his doorstep. He luckily heard the buzzer and let me in and that was one of the hardest days of my life. I was just stranded and alone - it was terrible.
My neighbor met up with me later that day to get me my phone and wallet. I had like $120 in there that my roommate stole while I was in jail. How much more scumbag can you get…
Then just get married.
In short: depends on your girlfriend's personality. Have you lived with her before? How was that? Living together would be different than dating, and living together while working is different from living together during college. If one of you has a busier schedule than the other, it would cause an issue for both. I would go for it if you had a positive experience living with her during college before + her hours are similar to yours. It's an absolute no if she is needy + works for 40 hours AND you work 100 hours. It's suicidal for both your life and the relationship. NO.
Define needy
Not the kind of “needy” you are looking for. She may want you to be with her when you have no control over your own schedule.
Trust me, breaking up when you live together is actual hell. You need a clean break if things go south.
Wouldn’t move in together right out of ugrad. Spend a year or two living apart. If she’s the right girl she will understand. Moving in together is a bell that can’t be unrung (unless you break up).
Was it really bad ? Living with her?
Why did things go bad living with her?
living together in real life - aka with actual jobs and responsibility and no dining hall - is miles away from what you're used to in college, ESPECIALLY in NYC. Both of you need to settle in to what real post-collegiate life is like before taking the next step. Sign a 1 year lease with roommates in close proximity to each other and figure out who the hell you are and what you want. That'll let you keep the relationship without the double strain of 1st year post-grad life and living together for the first time.
Yeah NYC is already a compression chamber in many ways, but unlike having a 3BR house in FL and sleeping in the guest bedroom in a bad fight, in NYC you’re usually in each other’s bubble just walking around the place and it amplifies good and bad emotions.
I've had friends think about this as well and I don't think you should. Your early 20s can be some of the best years of your life...living with friends, going out in the city, having money etc. When you are settled down and married I think you would regret not giving yourself at the very least a year or two on independent adult life to enjoy. Additionally, people change as they transition from college and begin their adult life. I think it would be wise to at least give it a year and then you can always re-evaluate. As others have said, try and live close by and make a point to see each other often, but I wouldn't jump into it so early on.
I'm going to give the pragmatic answer here. Moving in with her is something that you want to do, but don't need to do, and therefore, should not do.
Married my college sweetheart. Going on 10 years. We lived apart after college for 2 years and it was the right thing. Gotta figure out your own pattern of life and what you like, it takes a few years, before you try and merge it with someone else's. It also helped us build a solid friend network which would have been hard to do as "the old married at 20 couple" in a new city. By the time we merged apartments, we had a great crew of friends that made it feel fun and got to continue to also be our own people separate from each other, even under the same roof.
yeah sure. but if shit happens. make sure that she is willing to be your roommates if you guys break up. or co-sign a lease or else she has the right to call the cops on you if you are in her apartment. also are you sure you want to live with her? (hygiene, food sharing in the fridge, she knowing what you do 24/7) if yes go ahead. if no, then no
It’ll be sunshine and roses until she screams at you for 30 mins about leaving the toilet seat up….
just move in together and save money and if you feel like breaking up then move into another place or she might even leave. Not that complicated tbh
But if your leaning against it, you probably should consider what that actually means about how you view the relationship, but that's another topic so I'll leave that for you to figure out...
You are young and entering a new stage in life. There will be a ton of change. It will lead to drama. Find out who you are in the real world. When you live together you will get complaints about when you come home late, drunk or want to sleep in. You will be forced to do a bunch of stuff like craft or farmers markets that a 22yo male shouldn’t be forced to do all of the time. You will get much more pressure for marriage. You will also likely be codependent and not develop a group of professional same age friends because she will always want you to do her thing. I have watched this play out so many times.
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