Negotiate Anything
On Wall Street everything is a negotiation.
Your Job
Your Bonus
Your Promotion
Your Project
Your Deadline
And the negotiation doesn’t stop when you get home either, because life is a just a big negotiation. With your girl friend, husband, kids, friends.
But I bet you are doing it all wrong.
I know I was….even in my mid thirties.
Couple of signs you are doing it wrong:
You know exactly what you want and you say it right at the beginning
You think the other party is trying to screw you throughout the negotiation
You have no idea what the other person wants, and don’t think that matters anyway
You want to win the argument more than achieving your goal.
The price of negotiating badly is high. It means, you’re probably getting paid less than you want, not getting the promotion you are looking for, not getting the client order you are looking for.
Here’s how to become a world class negotiator:
**Build Trust
**
The most important part of negotiation is building trust. You can’t let the person you are negotiating with feel threatened. It can’t be you versus them.
That’s never going to work.
Most people who view negotiation as a battle of arguments, become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. They get emotional, they get angry and they get irrational.
Negotiation is not an act of battle it’s a process of discovery.
The goal is to discover as much information as possible. To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
With that in mind, remember that when deliberating on a negotiating strategy or approach, people tend to focus all their energies on what they say or do, but it’s how we act and look that is the easiest and most effective thing to focus on.
How we act is so critical, because our brains don’t just process and understand the actions and words of others, but their feelings and intentions too.
The first thing to do when you walk into a negotiation is SMILE.
Smiling puts the other person at ease and puts them in a positive frame of mind, rather than feeling that they are being threatened or attacked.
A positive frame of mind has been scientifically shown to lead people to think more quickly and more likely to collaborate and problem solve with you. Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart.
Another simple trick for building trust is mirroring – great sales people do it all the time.
Mirroring, is essentially imitation.
It’s a neuro-behaviour displayed when we copy each other to comfort each other. It can be done with speech patterns, body language, vocabulary tempo, and tone of voice.
It’s generally an unconcscious behavior and follows a profound biological principle: We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity.
The psychologist Richard Wiseman did an experiment with waiters, to identify what was the most effective method to build a connection with strangers: mirroring or positive reinforcement.
One group of waiters, using positive reinforcements, lavished praise and encouragement in patrons using words such as “great,” “no problem,” and “sure” in response to each order.
The other group of waiters mirrored their customers simply by repeating their orders back to them.
The results were stunning: the average tip of the waiters who mirrored was 70 percent more than of those who used positive reinforcement.
Think about that for a second.
Next time when your boss says: “Jamie can you update the model with the new numbers over the weekend”, you can either say “sure” or “no problem” knowing that this is going to take you all of Saturday and could be a huge waste of time, or you can SMILE and repeat back their last three or four words back to them, for example: “you’d like me to update the model with the new numbers?” in an inquisitive tone. The intention behind most mirrors should be “Please, help me understand.”
This will lead them to clarify what they are really trying to achieve. They might at this point say, “yes, I just want to be prepared in case we need to send the client the pitch book next week”. Ok, now you know why they want the model updated, and your boss feels like you understand them better. So you could reply by saying, “yes we should be prepared to send the book next week, but maybe we should wait for the new numbers the company is going to send us on Monday?”
**Label Them
**
Most of us enter verbal combat unlikely to persuade anyone of anything because we only care about our own goals and perspective. But the best negotiators, sales people and leaders are tuned into their audience. They know that if they empathize, they can mold their audience by how they approach and talk to them.
Empathy works wonders in a negotiation, whether with your boss, your girl friend or with someone selling you something. Once they see that you understand them, they will be much more open to listening to you.
Think of labeling as a short cut to intimacy, a time saving emotional hack.
Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it. By giving someone’s emotions a name shows that you identify with how that person feels.
At the beginning of a negotiation with your boss about your bonus, you build trust by smiling and mirroring them, and then you label their emotions by saying something like “I’m sure this is probably a pretty stressful time for you and you have a lot to do. You are probably thinking that I am pretty ungrateful for what you already gave me”.
Now be silent and watch what happens.
Highlighting their negative emotions upfront is key because it shows that you understand where they are coming from and diffuses any anger they might be feeling.
In fact you can take this idea further using a system called an accusation audit. List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Because the accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true.
For example, you could say: “I’m sure you’re still probably angry about how I screwed up the books in June”, or “I’m still disappointed by how I did in that presentation in August”. Putting the negatives upfront on your own disarms the situation. Now the other person can’t use them against you and you clearly show that you understand their perspective.
Get them to say No
Jim Camp wrote a great book on negotiation called: “Start with NO”.
Most of the time we try to get people to say yes. Yes to more money, yes to a promotion, yes to a deal. But yes makes people unsafe. We’d rather say no. Scientific studies have proven this.
One of the first things to do in a negotiation is to get the other person to feel safe by having them say No.
For example: “Feels like you thought I did a bad job this year” or “You probably think I didn’t do well this year”. Most people are going to say “No” to this. And then they will go on to outline why you actually did well this year.
Or more simply, when you call someone, a lot of people say: “Do you have a few minutes?”, whereas its better to say: “Is now a bad time.”
Look for the question that allows them to say No.
When negotiating anything, and you hear No, it often means:
I’m not ready to agree yet
I don’t understand
I need more information
I don’t think we can afford it
I want to talk it over with someone
The trick is to train your self to hear “No” as something other than rejection.
A few great questions to ask when someone says “No”: “What about this doesn’t work for you?” or “What would you need to make it work?”
Negotiation is a high stakes game, so you have to make sure you put the other person at ease. If they get to say “No” upfront, it makes the other party feel safety, security and in control.
When you’re discussing your bonus, rather than being angry, ask a No question. For example: “Are you trying to tell me to leave the firm?” or “Seems like you guys are trying to push me out of here?” Or when you’re on your 2nd or 3rd interview for a job and want the other party to commit, try asking: “Seems like you guys aren’t sure I’m the right candidate?” or “What about my candidacy for the job aren’t you sure about?”.
So there you have it, I can guarantee your negotiation, sales and meetings will be all a lot more successful with these three techniques:
Build Trust – Smile and Mirror there words
Label Them – show empathy by stating how they feel, and put the negatives out there
Get them to say No – Get them to feel safe by being able to say no early on
I agree,
Worth mentioning is the technique of** repeated questioning** (up to 3-5 times) which works by destroying the foundations of the psychological positions the party holds on the issues being discussed.
So let's say, the issue is my boss has an issue with me going to this meeting that I want to go to.
Me: So boss, are you saying that I am not needed at the meeting of the Sales Committee ? Him/Her: Yes. Me: That's something I've been looking forward to for the past year. And you are intentionally and knowingly thinking I shouldn't be there ? Him: Hmm, that's what I said. Me: I thought you said that. To recall, you wouldn't wanna have me see and hear what's going on [at that Sales meeting] ? At this point, the boss will rethink and possibly alter his decision.
This is an excellent thread, and I'm shocked there aren't more responses. I read Bargaining for Advantage recently and even though it was a great read the OP still makes a bunch of new points
Its also worth saying that you mainly have to train them so it seems natural. Smiling like a maniac , storming your boss with repetitive questions , start crying about what you done wrong and imitating what they do like an idiot is more probable that will label you as some kind of psychotic than good negotiator.
Train these things one at a time and when it comes natural. Don't try to force them or it wont work.
Pretty solid post
Negotiations (Originally Posted: 08/28/2010)
Anyone read good books, taken enlightening classes, or seen insightful lectures on negotiating? It's become a topic of interest for me lately and I'd like to hear from anyone with recommendations.
http://www.3dnegotiation.com/index.shtml
Thanks, looks promising. A lot of the resources on the site and dead links now though. Any other suggestions?
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_11?url=search-alias%3Dstripboo…
How do I learn to negotiate better? (Originally Posted: 05/21/2012)
"You don't get what you're worth, you get what you negotiate"
What are some tips / resources you guys can offer up for better negotiating skills? Not just negotiations over $/salry, but for anything in life (as throughout the day we are negotiating for things constantly with people and not even knowing it).
Is being a good negotiator a natural born skill or can you perfect it with practice?
I feel like I am very diplomatic with my negotiating, I get a lot of what I want - but things aren't perfect. I'm a type-b and feel I could be stronger in some areas to benefit myself (but without becoming an asshole). To those who say you either have it or you don't - I disagree - this book (and other experiences in life-which I do weigh much higher) put me from wimp/pushover to at least a diplomatic negotiater; much better than the former.
I know there are so many variables, and I imagine practicing these can make a difference - from a strong handshake, intimidating eye contact, how you dress / speak, psychological framing, NLP, etc
Does anyone practice NLP and believe it works?
Back in marketing class we read this book: The Psychology of Persuasion - before handing it out my professor stated that it was like giving us instructions on how to build a bomb (ie use the lessons carefully / don't abuse it). Great book - maybe I need to give it another read.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004H4XL7E/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
[quote=jec]http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004H4XL7E/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title[/quote]
I knew what that linked to before I clicked on it. I was going to post the same thing.
I see it as trying to be someone else, you and I don't seem to be that type, I try sometimes to force my terms and I fail, I either loose the job if I ask for too much or loose it for not asking for too much, they refuse some of my terms, I try to refuse some of theirs and it doesn't work, yes I get pennies more so what? I see people asking for a lot more and they get it, you can handshake like Rambo as much as you like, once you sit down and start talking, Game over.
Books can't help if you don't already have it.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0140…
Great book.
It's one of those things, you either have it or you don't.
"Take a look at yourself, the mirror’s revealin’ If you ain’t got it you ain’t got it the theory is brilliant"
Get boobs
Don't ever feel like you're being too agressive or offending someone. Walk in there with confidence and get your way, simple as that
practice makes the master...its all about practice and the more situations you have been through the better you know how to handle them, get what you want. its definitely a skill you can learn.
just reading about it wont cut it though so use every possible situation that resembles a negotiation setting to practice.
Simple but helpful negotiation advice (Originally Posted: 05/14/2013)
Good story from Adam Carolla about negotiating with his radio station kroq in the early days of loveline.
tl;dr version: Adam asked for his salary to be doubled. Because he was realistic about his value he knew his company was undervaluing him, and he knew there was a piece of pie there for him.
I'll paraphrase what he said, important points in bold
To his boss:
from the adam carolla podcast (adam and dr drew show) a few days ago (http://adamcarolla.com/adamanddrew/ #42, around 30min in)
The thing is, nobody on this website is irreplaceable. A good option? Sure. But definitely not irreplaceable.
Thanks for sharing!
When Carolla talked about wanting his "piece of the pie", I was hoping that he meant more than just wanting a higher base salary but rather a good chunk of the profit generated by his show (say 30%?). That would have made for a much more fair and equitable arrangement for both sides and perfectly aligning his incentive with that of the station.
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