Swan Diving into High Finance

Cheers monkeys. This is my pioneer contribution to WSO, but I come equipped with veteran skills. In short, I'm penetrating this kingdom like it's some fat Tu.mbler girl's safe space, and I'm up at 2 AM trying to crunch through an essay on intersectional feminist theory. I come from a somewhat unconventional upbringing. Broadly, I have two inquiries that will frame the narrative of this thread: first, can the street handle a BSD like me? Second, what do I have to do to replace some GDI Managing Director over at the Barcap Industrials group. However, I have recently started to see myself as more of a middle market guy, for various reasons. Honestly, the only bulge I care about made my high school gym class' jaws drop as hard as Bieber's latest single. Thus, my ultimate goal is to become the Head Coach of Piper Jeffries. So, first and foremost, I’ll run through my highlight reel, that is, my CV.

Everyone knows the important skills for Wall Street aren't found in the classroom, but are best demonstrated at 3:30 AM when the clock is ticking and you still don't have a smoke show to bring to your Park Avenue slam pad to show the 50 States. However, apparently recruiters actually care about this book smart garbagio, so let's get my academic performance b.s. promptly out of the way. I go to a super non-target school. For perspective, when I was driving into campus for new student orientation, a group of students was crushing cheap beer in a blow-up pool under a cardboard sign that read, "Thank you for You're Daughters." Anyways, my Daddy's Boy scholarship would be recognized as long as I passed; everyone knows that any chill bro finds a sweet spot between passing class and getting a*s. So, let's just say that my GPA sits in the meat of the normal distribution: nobody likes a showoff. Z-scores to the right of the mean are for virgins; z-scores to the left are for drug addicts. Trust me, I would know - I took intro stats twice.

My weaknesses end there, gentlemen. Strap in tight to your motion chairs, my extracurricular activities are about to blow you straight out of your monk straps. Greek life has an Anderson "the spider" Silva stranglehold around nightlife at my school. Thus I was left with no option, but to champion Rush Week. My with my spiral woven as tightly as the threads of my Brooks Brothers seersucker jacket, a golden path was paved for landing a bid at the top dog frat. My momentum carried into my victorious pledge class president campaign, like I was Lebron cruising through game 7. Leadership skills? Try corralling a group of 12 pledges for an 8 AM philanthropy event the night after a date party with 100% attendance. You'll be relieved to know that I didn't. I blew that off like a coffee date with my ex and took the boys out to a dager. Sometimes you have to step back and see the forest - call me my generation’s Nelly Mandela.

Until recently, I thought Seeking Alpha was some quasi-Match,com platform for PR city babes looking to cuff beta-negative finance bros like myself. Similes aside, my technical proficiency has room for improvement. The only valuation experience I've had in college involved a scale and various, party-hardy contraband. As for Excel skills, I haven't ventured past Word and PowerPoint in the MS Office jungle, but I'll be fine. If Helen Keller wrote a book, I think I'll be able to punch numbers into some Excel doc and perform basic math. Anyways, in between hitting the beach with the boys and romping through the meatpacking district with some babes, I'll peruse some of those technical guides.

As I watch the second hand glide effortlessly around the 24 karat gold crown of my prep-school graduation masterpiece, it reminds me of a sentiment that Jules Audemars, Edward Piguet and I have in common: we seek fluidity without compromise. Obstruction is a plebeian problem. So, monkeys, I am a fully loaded Dassault Falcon 900, and Wall Street is my LaGuardia, your knowledge my fuel. In a rare act of altruism, enlighten me, so that I might land furiously, but soar through the storm of fall recruitment free of turbulence