Tear this cover letter apart, please!

Hey guys!

I have read loads of cover letter guides, but I am still ever so confused and I have been spending far too much time on this now.

I have come up with a first draft - for Capital markets origination role - and I feel it might be too long, but not sure how I can cut it down.

Can someone please have a look and tell me what you think in terms of structure/content? (does it seem enthusiastic? cause I really am!)

Thank you so much for your help :)

Link: http://www.scribd.com/doc/118148542/wso2?secret_password=9k2b21qky7vnww…

PS. This position is in the UK, and I am led to believe that Cover letters are actually read here. Also, click on the minus sign on the pdf reader to view it in a good size

 

Remove the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th paragraphs from the first version. The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs restate what your resume should already convey. The 4th is just a poorly worded and weird statement of your interests which should come out in an interview if you're selected for one.

 

Thanks, febreeze. Fixed.

@inkybinky: If I removed the 2nd, 3rd, 4th - what could I possibly write there? I am finding the whole idea of cover letters quite stressful. The website states that they look for knowledge in the field, interests, extra curricular, strong academic achievement and passion for the business area from the cover letter =/

Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
 

bump. Still struggling. Also, if an employer says "no more than 2 pages" - would it be okay to send off a 2 page cv? I have an elaborate one that fits my university CV guide, but not sure if it is aligned with "investment bank" norm,

Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
 
Best Response

-you repeat you've attached your resume in first and last para and the 2 bits about your analytical skills- obviously you have them if your degree is analytical.

-sentence structure is awkward/wrong in places e.g. "The global reach, diversity in the workforce and the work culture at Citi impress me." There are plenty more examples such as repeating "My interest" in consecutive sentences in 2nd para.

  • "I find that DCM in particular presents an exciting opportunity to make a difference." - a difference to what? this is an incomplete sentence.

-absolutely 0 passion conveyed for markets when this is a significant part of DCM

-doesn't really convey a story - there should be a logical progression in a cover letter, especially from a STEM student.

 
darety:
-you repeat you've attached your resume in first and last para and the 2 bits about your analytical skills- obviously you have them if your degree is analytical.

-sentence structure is awkward/wrong in places e.g. "The global reach, diversity in the workforce and the work culture at Citi impress me." There are plenty more examples such as repeating "My interest" in consecutive sentences in 2nd para.

  • "I find that DCM in particular presents an exciting opportunity to make a difference." - a difference to what? this is an incomplete sentence.

-absolutely 0 passion conveyed for markets when this is a significant part of DCM

-doesn't really convey a story - there should be a logical progression in a cover letter, especially from a STEM student.

Thanks a lot darety! I am quite split over what to give importance to while still keeping it short. I want to give some importance to my extra curricular stuff - which are also on the CV. I also want to give some idea about current DCM market - interest rate, maturing bonds, high yield demand etc. but I struggling to know how to structure this.

I also need to explain why finance since I am from a STEM background. Any pointers? I found a lot of info about Citi, but I am worried it might seem like I am just dumping news headlines rather than being cover letter material.

Thank you so much!

Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
 

why not talk about a recent issuance underwritten by Citi and talk about how it exploited current market opportunities to benefit client and company? will be tricky but definitely possible and will be very impressive if you nail it. I came from a STEM background and I basically said finance is increasingly analogous to a science with increasing mathematics etc, also it's very dynamic. also said i wanted responsibility from day 1 which is something you're more likely to get in a finance job compared to research/other jobs.

 
darety:
why not talk about a recent issuance underwritten by Citi and talk about how it exploited current market opportunities to benefit client and company? will be tricky but definitely possible and will be very impressive if you nail it. I came from a STEM background and I basically said finance is increasingly analogous to a science with increasing mathematics etc, also it's very dynamic. also said i wanted responsibility from day 1 which is something you're more likely to get in a finance job compared to research/other jobs.

What confuses me is how do I connect Citi's recent underwriting with my cover letter? like do i say it interests me and I want to work in CMO ? Do you think my cover letter is long? I am not sure what experience to write about to show my skills and how to connect it to the competencies.

Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
 

mention that its what attracted you to applying. and no, mine was longer. i don't know what you've done in your life so I can't help you there. think of the skills you need in DCM and think of things you've done which show you have those skills. then talk about them! that should be a start!

 

Is it okay to talk about self learning certain things - IB stuff, computational investing - in a cover letter or is too silly? I have no other way of displaying my interest/knowledge :/

Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
 

Here are some guidelines from my MBA program's cover letter guide:

  1. Make it no more than one page in length.
  2. When possible, address a person and not a department.
  3. When emailing, include the cover letter as the body of the email (and the resume as an attachment).
  4. Construct the letter such that it explains your abilities and how they apply to the position.
  5. Make the letter three paragraphs long: a) First paragraph explains why you are contacting the employer. b) The second paragraph summarizes experience and coursework that is relevant to the position. c) Third paragraph should include your contact information and a statement that you will follow up in a particular way.

Additional tips from me: Make your sentences more direct and less wordy. You use a lot of passive sentences that lack action and make it boring to read. Be direct. I also think you need to specifically (and briefly) explain in your second paragraph why you want to intern with a financial services firm while studying aerospace engineering. You say that you plan on studying for an MS in Finance next year, but to me that sounds like you're drifting and can't make up your mind.

 

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Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.

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