The (69) Men Commandments

I love this list (I know the number of them Commandments is also a fine number per se). I think every man, especially if he works in high finance, should have this posted on their wall, refrigerator magnet, or just read it over couple of times a week.

This is an adaptation of Tony Parsons' 69 Men Commandments published in GQ UK Magazine in November 2011. Wise man, Tony Parsons. Please note I can only write up a few of the Commandments, but will make available the entire list. The numbering keeps the original count.

43. A thick skin will serve you better than a trust fund.

You wanna work on Wall Street ? Better have the skin of a croc.

4. Never cheat on a woman you are not ready to break up with.

Once you've cheated, you should be prepared for the earth to shake. Don't be tied up in chains-or else you won't be able to leave.

7. Drugs should be behind you by the time you are 25, unless your day job is playing guitar for the Rolling Stones (lead rhythm, not bass).

Yep, drugs will never be a good career move.

9. Never hit anyone you are not prepared to keep hitting.

In other words: Don't do a half-ass job at hitting !

12. If you hit someone, then try to keep it neat – don’t throw wild, swinging punches. Your punches should be as straight as a piece of scaffolding, and they should snap back as quickly as they snap forward (as if you are catching a fly). The exception is hooks, which should be powered by your hips, not your arms. A good hook to the body will break your assailant’s ribs – and his will.

13. If you get involved with a married woman, make sure she is happily married. An unhappy one will drag you into a war zone. The only exception is a married woman you want to spend your life with.

14. Good manners are important. There is never an excuse for rudeness. The quality of a life is largely about small human transactions, and politeness makes human existence bearable.

You get more with honey than vinegar.

21. Public speaking and practicing safe sex are two skills you need to master. You will be expected to do both, sometimes at the same event. When speaking to an audience, you should never rely too heavily on written notes, but nor should you try to simply wing it. Both will end in disaster.

22. Learn which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.

24. Never walk past someone selling The Big Issue without buying a copy. It’s not charity, it’s a job.

25. Success is largely built around the management of pain. Rocky Balboa advised, “It is not about how hard you hit- it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward”.

31. If you do not have regular orgasms, you will die. Your prostate gland will assume that you have no further interest in the human race and it will rise up and smite you down. When the coming stops, the breathing is never far behind.

I've been saying that all my life. Sex is the essence of living.

33. Love your work. Try to make your great passion and what you do for a living impossible to tell apart. This will make for a happy life. When everything else lets you down, work will sustain you – give you self-esteem, fulfilment, money, human contact and a reason to leave the house. At some point you will have to do a job you hate. This is to be expected – just make sure you know how to find the exit door.

34. Never trust a politician, a prostitute or someone who wants you to change your mobile phone, energy plan or true love for absolutely no charge. There is always a charge.

36. For as long as possible, keep the weight off, the hair on and the cock hard. This is the holy trinity of eternal youth. Technology can help, but resist anything that makes you look like a 65 year old dinner lady.

37. Seek wealth, but despise riches. A lack of money is the root of all evil. Nothing is more time-consuming than poverty. Money does not buy you happiness – it buys you time.

There you go, pancake. Now you know the secret of money.

42. Stun them with your talent. Dazzle them with your genius. Never be half-hearted. Never be lukewarm. Attempt to knock every ball out of the park.

45. Self-pity is more destructive than heroin.

This is Wall Street 101.

49. Luck will be both good and bad – but relying on good luck is like counting on the postman to bring you a cheque.

This is the million dollar question: How do you bring Lady Luck on your side ? I say, be a lover (take down your pants when she comes down, see if she wants it).

53. Never drink at lunchtime unless it’s some kind of celebration.

55. The best cure for jet lag is sunshine. The best cure for a hangover is the Black Doctor (Coca-Cola- regular, not diet). The best cure for diarrhea is live yogurt. The best cure for a broken heart is another trip to the moon on gossamer wings

59. Do not prepare – begin. Time is always accelerating. With every passing season, a year is always a smaller percentage of your life.

63. Routine is good. Routine sets you free. Routine gives structure to the unholy messiness of existence. But never develop a routine that you can’t walk away from with five minutes’ notice.

64. Have plenty of sex before you settle down. Lots of it. All over the world. With all kinds of women. If you can count the number of sexual partners you have had, then you haven’t had enough. On his deathbed, asked about regrets, the poet John Betjeman said, “I wish I had had more sex.” You should plan to say, “I wish I had had a little less sex”.

Men: this is the Holy Grail. Don't you say you didn't know it.

65. Avoid trouble. Stay away from the places – football grounds, pubs, cinemas, fast-food restaurants late at night – where you always get aggravation. And if you can’t avoid conflict, then hit them hard and hit them early. Don’t waste time talking

67. Money spent on education is the one investment that will always show a huge profit.

Even if not immediately, it will pan out.

Thank you, Mr. Parsons !

Entire 69 list, Original