The morning after I killed myself - investment banking analyst version
I rediscovered this in the notes app on my phone this fine post-Thanksgiving Friday afternoon. I wrote it just over a year ago mid-pandemic during the SPAC and general M&A frenzy of autumn 2020. I'm no longer a banker, but I thought someone out there might enjoy it. Keep your head up, you'll be on the other side of this nonsense in 18 months at the latest.
The morning after I killed myself a dozen emails swarmed my inbox in quick succession. I picked my work phone from its place beside my head, speakers pointed directly at my ear. The morning's damage is routine. Six client requests for various new pages and model changes. A couple senior-level demands for data that isn't publicly available, a memo on travel restrictions and location suggestions for in-person management presentations, an incomprehensible PDF markup, requests to re-send materials delivered a week ago, a lateral MD's request that the junior team send across pitch ideas, and a newly promoted VP request to convert 5,000 pages of legal documents into a fully dynamic capitalization table.
The morning after I killed myself I smiled pleasantly. It was early in the morning and I had laid myself to rest only recently, but at least I was free. My bloated inbox was no longer my master. Things would continue just the same and DISCUSSION MATERIALS would be made, but i would serve no part in their creation.
The morning after I killed myself I did not have to sit in my bed with my laptop for an hour sending updates on companies that had announced earnings or a transaction. An unproductive MD did not ask me to start a daily industry update they would never read. A productive MD did not ask me to transcribe an equity research presentation because they did not have time to sit through it themselves.
I decided to take a shower, and crawled out of bed at my own pace. The phone went off again. An associate wanted to know why they weren't consulted before the materials went to the VP. They didn't like the color pattern of a PowerPoint table. Their written assessment would no longer be considered in a year-end review, so instead of responding, I dropped my phone into the toilet as I stepped into my bathroom to take a shower.