There is no gas left. What’s next?
WSO has been instrumental in helping me getting further than I have ever expected but today is the moment where I call for help.
I am a ASO at a BB (A2A promote) in a well-respected team. Over the past years I have been working on some marquee transactions which helped me being ranked top bucket multiple times in a row.
When I started as ANL1, I had three goals: Learning as much as possible by working on interesting, high-profile transactions, being top bucket and maximizing earnings. Over the past months and after my promotion I realized that I have achieved everything I wanted to achieve but that I am also mentally empty. There was a lot of sacrifice to get where I am professionally, most importantly I sacrificed my private life. I have not taken any proper holidays since COVID started which accelerated the feeling that there is no gas left in the tank.
In summer when there were first signs of fatigue I thought that I just lost my drive due to flattening of the learning curve. Shortly thereafter I was staffed on a franchise deal which was announced this winter. The deal itself was highly rewarding and I felt alive while it lasted. However, once the pressure was gone and the deal announced, the fatigue came back only stronger, but this time coupled with anxiety.
On top of that my relationship has been falling apart slowly during that period which further fueled the issues.
From the outside I may appear as well balanced and happy but inside I feel more and more broken and empty. I told my close circle about some of the issues (although did not fully disclose them), however they do not seem to recognize the magnitude (“chill out for a week, then all will be fine again”, “how can you be anxious? You are great at work and have everything in life you ever wanted”).
Bottom line is that while it is crystal clear that I am stuck in a toxic limbo somewhere in burnout or depression territory, I have honestly no idea how to fix it. I do not want to quit my job because I have sacrificed my early twenties to attain the reputation I have today in my team, on the other hand it is perfectly clear to me that I am only a resource and that my own well-being should be put first.
I have a buyside offer on my table which would allow me to pull the plug fairly discretely (I would be able to take 2 months off before starting with them which might be enough to recharge). On the other hand I wonder if this is a long-term fix of the underlying issues which I have not identified yet.
Question to you: What would you do? How radical do I have to be to fix the situation?
TLDR: There is no gas left. What’s next?
Do you think your bank would let you take some time off? You’re a top performer, have an offer for a different job, what’s the downside? Plus retention is tough these days, your bank may want to pull out all the stops to keep you.
I mean a decent amount of time off, not a week to recharge. What’s the worst that could happen if you asked for 3 weeks to go travel or some other hobby.
3 weeks is not a "decent time off". 3 weeks is recharge time.
"Decent time off" is more like... 3 months.
I would take the offer + 2 months off and think about the underlying issue for some of that time (with most of it spent relaxing/chilling). Having some time when you're not super crunched from work may give you more clarity on what you want/ what you should do long term. Sorry to hear you're going through this.
Good news: as a top bucket A2A at a BB, you have enough experience that you can take a significant amount of time off and be very attractive to a lot of roles. If you want 4+ months off, you can quit tomorrow, go hang out on an island for a while, and top IBs will still be calling you when you get back.
That aside, I guess there's a few questions to consider.
- Do you like your bank? Do you like banking? This current issue aside, did you see yourself staying long-term or were you always intending on exiting in the near to medium term?
- This PE offer: while the 2 months is generous, I agree with you that it might be v_2 of the same thing. Do you want to do PE? Do you like the firm, have you diligenced their WLB and determined it to be better? On the good news side, if you decide after a year you hate it, again you are very qualified and you could jump ship at that point and be fine as well. Any interest in corp dev or something with a bit more balance?
I think you are very worried about maintaining what you've worked so hard for, but plenty of people take time off, or make the wrong move and involuntarily take time off, and end up totally fine. Give yourself some credit for setting yourself up so well that you have an incredible amount of optionality.
God bro I wish I had a friend like you in real life lmfao
Did you take a sabbatical or anything when you got promoted to associate? If so, did that help even if temporarily?
If the answer is no to the first, try to take a month off. Can be medical leave, or just work it out with the group. It's not at all unreasonable ask given your tenure at the company and I'm sure they would prefer that over you leaving. See how you feel at the end of month.
Worst case scenario - business school is always an option. Expensive, but it'll give you 2+ years to get your personal life back on track and figure out what you want to do with your life without sacrificing what you've already built.
If you stay, try to find a balance. You've built up a ton of goodwill, you no longer need to be plugged in 100% of the time. Learn to say no and set boundaries. You'll never have the free time you had in college, but you can still find a balance while in banking. Figure out what's most important to you and prioritize it over work.
I agree with the suggestion to ask for time off. Covid has been tough on everyone and I think most bosses are sympathetic your need for that.
Also, in your statement you seem to poo-poo the idea of what one-week off can do for you. I'd encourage you to take more than that, but even if its just a week, go bananas. Fly to Hawaii, drink too much, eat too much, stay up late, just go absolutely crazy for the time off. You'd be surprised how much better you can feel when you take every single moment of your time off and enjoy it - be optimistic about this.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’re just bummed out your relationship didn’t work out and you’re suffering from heartbreak. It happens to all of us and there is no quick fix. Gotta mourn your relationship and then move on.
As a side note, I love people who say they sacrificed their personal lives and mental health to make it to associate lol. You know we all are in banking and all went from analyst to associate right? It was hard, but not so hard we had to “sacrifice” our health and relationships.
That hyperbole might work on others who see your pay check and believe it, but for others who have done the same exact thing that type of exaggeration isn’t necessary.
oh boy here's the "my wife's a doctor" guy who hijacked the bonus thread lmfao, I'm convinced you're not real
By hijack, do you mean I responded to someone who asked what my wife does and when I said she’s a doctor who makes more than me, I was attacked by twenty year olds like you? Then yes. I hijacked that thread lol.
You’re an idiot. Basically everyone who succeeds in banking makes some degree of personal sacrifice. But you already know that, and are just looking for yet another opportunity to talk about yourself some more.
The off-base comment about his relationship status makes it even more obvious that you barely skimmed his original post, before making a beeline for auto-fellatio.
Everything you’ve done so far is a sunk cost.
Your happiness should 100% be what’s important.
Take some time off and question where you want to be in this rat race. Personally, I’m getting out of it by end of year. Therapy has been huge for me in figuring out what is important to me.
I’d think seriously about taking the buy side offer and applying to b school. I am usually loathe to recommend it, but it would allow you some time to seriously think about what you want and pivot.
The buy side role may or may not be banking 2.0, but it seems like hours are less the issue than you feeling that your learning and growth has flattened. 2 months off would help you recharge and honestly I’d consider scheduling some therapy during that time. Once you get to the new shop you’ll be able to learn how to be an investor. If you like it you can stay, if not go to b school after 2 years.
Sorry to hear that OP. Hope the folks who already commented provided some clarity & help. Just wanted to say, you should find a few close friends/family to open up with (in person - physically being present makes all the difference) If they still don’t understand the magnitude of what you’re going through, it’s time for new friends and a good therapist.
Talk to your group about taking a month off and establishing boundaries after you're back. Otherwise, the dude below will be in your girl balls deep.
It's absolutely insane to not take vacations in this job. You're not a new Analyst that needs to prove themselves. It sounds like you have a rock solid reputation in your group. Nobody should care if you take a week off if you plan it appropriately. If they give you a bunch of shit for doing so then I would get a new job. The first time I took a real vacation I felt guilty and one of the people above me said it best: "Of course I don't care if you take a vacation and completely unplug because I want to be able to do that too." They should have enough respect for you at this point that it shouldn't be an issue as long as you coordinate with your deal teams in advance.
I would consider whether you want to do it by yourself given a vacation with a SO in a failing relationship probably isn't going to give you the relaxation you'll need. Relationships are hard in this industry and you need someone that's going to stand by you as you work long hours and prioritize your career over it. Find someone that understands that.
A large part of happiness is goal fulfillment. I've seen so many people achieve something they thought was 'it' - and they became markedly less happy. Find a new goal that won't expire, that is meaningful, and that is healthy. Explore your spirituality and philosophical side. I'm not trying to be preachy, this is just what I've found to be helpful.
One of Aquinas' arguments (I think it was him) for God's existence was that we have a deep desire for something beyond this world, that cannot be fulfilled here, and since we desire nothing that doesn't or cannot exist, ergo God. Convincing or not, interesting way to think about goals/desires.
For context I'm an analyst now, with similar goals to yours, but I've felt the dropoff post-achievement before. Cheers.
Maybe fixing your relationship would help?
*** Op here ***
Very refreshing perspectives from you and some others here. They already help a lot - so thank you a lot!
I like banking and have no hate against the job itself, hence never felt the urgent need to exit. I rather saw it as an opportunity to tick off the goals I had initially and then see what options are presenting itself along the ride. In the past weeks I realized that the nature of the job won’t change much in the next 5+ years until I become Director and deal experience is unlikely to get any better which certainly contributed to the feeling of being empty as perspectives aren’t really there anymore in my role (i.e. as someone else in this thread put nicely, there are no goals).
My overall impression of the buyside opportunity is that WLB is better than banking but at the end of the day it is still a transaction oriented business and deal flow per Associate is very high at this particular fund, hence do not think it will be a material improvement. The idea of seeing is a 2 years and out opportunity (with Biz School as exit op) is certainly somewhere in the back of my mind - best case is that I can fix the underlying issues in the gardening leave. My big concern is what if time runs out and I get trapped in the same dilemma once more, just at a different firm?
As a next step I do agree that taking a few weeks off is a good first step. For people who have been in my shoes: Does a solo trip make sense or would you go with some friends? Mindful that my friends have not been fully empathetic of my situation…
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