This is what a student did to get me to forward on his resume

I graduated a few years ago and was impressed with a student that reached out to me last week. Thought I would summarize what he did in a digestible how-to guide so others could learn.

1. Start on LinkedIn

  • Message one of your alums on LinkedIn. Confirm that he works at a BB. It doesn't matter that he doesn't work in IB and that you only care about IB and anyone else working at a bank is the untouchables of bank society. He works at the BB and he's an alum -- he's got an in.

  • Introduce yourself and say you're interested in IB. When (if) he responds, he'll say, "Hey, I don't work in IB. I'm a quant and can talk about my quant experience". Lie and tell him, "Interesting! Let's talk"

2. Build anticipation

  • Call him 10 minutes late. You want him to have you on his mind for that whole 10 minutes, thinking, "why did this fuckwit waste my time scheduling this if he was never going to call". This is how you make an impression. This is how he'll remember you.

3. Be humble

  • When you call, introduce yourself by explaining you're quarantining in your family's "awesome" vacation house while you work remotely at your no-name bank.

  • Even better if you call it a "no-name" bank and tell the alum, "you've probably never heard of it..."

  • Make sure you explain why you want to go into IB. A good explanation is, "The charity I founded taught me the importance of financial valuation"

4. Respond enthusiastically

  • Let the alum know you're engaged and paying attention by constantly interrupting. Let him know you're wise beyond your years and very experienced in banking life by interrupting him frequently with a quick and subtle: "Yeah, I know", after every other thing he says

  • Ask questions. When the alum is explaining to you his role, interrupt and ask something. It doesn't matter what as long as it's dumb and about IB. When he asks, "So, what questions did you have about my role or find interesting about it?" say: "Hey yeah, how easy is it to get into another group from your role?"

  • But don't ask too many questions. Don't ask him about his role at all, how he got into it, what his day looks like, etc. This call is all about you and getting you the job.

5. Mind his time

  • Cut him off early and say you have to run and half way through the call that you already started late

6. Finish strong

  • Don't forget why you contacted him in the first place: for IB. Ask him if he's got any IB references at the bank. When he informs you he may have some because he started out in IB, hyperventilate a little

7. Maintain contact

  • Follow up with an email and your resume attached. The alum will forward it to a campus recruiter and the head of IB recruitment (a real banker!!!!!) for your school. You made such a great impression on the alum that he cc's you when he forwards it and writes, "Hey, here's a smart kid who's interested in IB"

  • And if you did all of this correctly, and shoved a vault guide up your ass far enough, he will immediately reply back to the recruiter and banker without cc'ing you and write, "By the way, I don't recommend him. Try someone else"

Banking is a people business. Learn some social grace you fuckwits.

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Comments (46)

Most Helpful
  • Intern in VC
Jul 2, 2020 - 12:42pm

And the kid's gonna think it went well and do it again to another poor soul ... well played, well played indeed, he's making it on to a blacklist

Jul 15, 2020 - 3:32pm

Serious answer: I can't imagine a resume would ever be a data breach. The idea completely contradicts the point of a resume. A resume is meant to be shared with strangers (and very often publicly as well, e.g. LinkedIn, online portfolios). It shouldn't have confidential information like your SSN, private deal details, or trade secrets. If it does, the fault is on whoever included this information on the resume.

From a legal perspective, I assume you're alluding to an individual's sense of right to privacy. Natural persons have a right to privacy in certain domains and under certain circumstances. Celebrities, for instance, have less of this right to privacy but instead trade this right to privacy for right to publicity. All of these "rights" mean that if they're infringed upon, you can sue. For illustrative purposes,

  • Me, a nobody, has less of a chance of collecting money for my image being used on the news without my permission. A celebrity has more of a chance to win a lawsuit for this due to their increased right to publicity, which is their ability to make money off of their image.

  • Conversely, I have more of a chance at a successful lawsuit against someone who filmed me coming out of my car with panties on and posted it online because it is reasonable for me to expect privacy in my own car due to my right to privacy. Whereas Lindsay Lohan would not be as successful because it's expected celebrities' being in the public eye decreases their right to privacy.

In the case of a resume, resumes do not fall into the domain of right to privacy, as a reasonable individual would assume sending a resume to a stranger isn't a private act. I'm sure if you slap on some data privacy contract, that would change things, or if the resume had some sensitive hiring information (like race) that can cause some "conversations", that could also change things. But as they are, resumes shouldn't cause any data breach concerns.

By the way, I'm not a lawyer, just annoying.

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Jul 31, 2020 - 10:35am

He's definitely not making it into REPE

...but is it REPE?
  • 1
Jul 2, 2020 - 2:17pm

Your post seems satirical...please write this somewhere or else idiots will take your advice to heart and do the same. 'd be surprised how many socially awkward weirdos I've seen in IB.

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.
  • 3
  • 6
Jul 2, 2020 - 11:49pm

Quite a few, but we can get away with it

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.
Jul 2, 2020 - 4:33pm

A perfect 11/10.

  • 1
Jul 2, 2020 - 5:30pm

Fucking hilarious - A+

Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.
Jul 2, 2020 - 10:24pm

The best part is that the numbers / headers are all good ideas while the bullets are all bad ideas.
bad idea

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
  • 2
Jul 2, 2020 - 11:49pm

That's exactly how a vp would see things from a high level. You're good at your job, aren't you, GH or DJ?

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.
  • Analyst 1 in IB - Restr
Jul 3, 2020 - 12:04am

I had a kid, who wasn't quite as impressive as the one who reached out to OP, hit me up to talk about my bank. I really knew that this kid, who had no summer internship, was a work horse after I sent him some times to talk and he replied "I'm really booked up this week, how about some other week when I have more free time?" I could tell that this kid was going places and forming a solid relationship w/ him would surely pay dividends down the road, so to show how impressed I was w/ his work ethic, I responded, "I cant imagine how busy you must be. I myself am idling away the fucking hours." He hasn't responded, but I assume that he's just booked up between playing COD and mowing his parents' lawn.

Jul 3, 2020 - 1:26am

You'll regret saying that when I'm your boss in the future

This is what a student did to get me to forward on his resume

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.
Jul 3, 2020 - 8:18am

lmao I genuinely thought you were going somewhere w this. thx for the humor mate


  • Intern in AM - Equities
Jul 6, 2020 - 12:27am

Wait this might be a dumb question, but for the point about talking about a "no -name bank" - sometimes I kind of try to downplay my freshman internship at a small PE shop just because I want to be humble and feel like I might come across as arrogant if I make it a big deal. I usually say something like "I worked at a small family office PE shop last summer, it was really informal and not really intense but it was great in that it taught me X, Y, Z..".

Would it just be okay if I said that, or should I just be like "I worked at a family office PE shop last summer, learned XYZ" and be more straightforward and not downplay that?

Jul 8, 2020 - 10:52am

You don't have to try to be humble. None of the experiences an undergrad would have are going to impress someone who's been working in banking for years. Hell, it wouldn't even impress a first-year analyst who knows the recruiting landscape first hand.

Be professional. You're talking to a stranger, not catching up with your friend. Don't tell me something you wouldn't say in front of your managers at your PE shop -- would your shop be okay with you using words like "really informal" and "not really intense"? You never know who knows who in this industry and you want to keep your interactions as consistent as possible across different parties. Don't come across as two-faced.

The main idea: Keep it simple and focus on what you did. Spare the details unless someone specifically asks for them. Frankly, the person you're talking to probably doesn't care and it could be a hit to how they perceive your character.

Jul 9, 2020 - 1:33am

I've caused both cringe and bland networking calls, as well as some good ones.
The minor good ones made it all worth it. I learned about companies, the people and the jobs. It was super cool when the people where excited that I reached out to them. If someone reached out to me, I'd be pretty stoked myself.

I'll post my number here so anyone can call me and make me feel as if Iplayed an important role in guiding today's youth in their careers.

Jul 16, 2020 - 12:07am

I've read this a few times now for a laugh every now and then. I always die at the part "Hyperventilate a little" when realizing the referrals for IB. Can't stop laughing.

Aug 7, 2020 - 12:03pm
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