This is what a student did to get me to forward on his resume

Panpavilloion's picture
Rank: Gorilla | 527

I graduated a few years ago and was impressed with a student that reached out to me last week. Thought I would summarize what he did in a digestible how-to guide so others could learn.

1. Start on LinkedIn

  • Message one of your alums on LinkedIn. Confirm that he works at a BB. It doesn't matter that he doesn't work in IB and that you only care about IB and anyone else working at a bank is the untouchables of bank society. He works at the BB and he's an alum -- he's got an in.
  • Introduce yourself and say you're interested in IB. When (if) he responds, he'll say, "Hey, I don't work in IB. I'm a quant and can talk about my quant experience". Lie and tell him, "Interesting! Let's talk"

2. Build anticipation

  • Call him 10 minutes late. You want him to have you on his mind for that whole 10 minutes, thinking, "why did this fuckwit waste my time scheduling this if he was never going to call". This is how you make an impression. This is how he'll remember you.

3. Be humble

  • When you call, introduce yourself by explaining you're quarantining in your family's "awesome" vacation house while you work remotely at your no-name bank.
  • Even better if you call it a "no-name" bank and tell the alum, "you've probably never heard of it..."
  • Make sure you explain why you want to go into IB. A good explanation is, "The charity I founded taught me the importance of financial valuation"

4. Respond enthusiastically

  • Let the alum know you're engaged and paying attention by constantly interrupting. Let him know you're wise beyond your years and very experienced in banking life by interrupting him frequently with a quick and subtle: "Yeah, I know", after every other thing he says
  • Ask questions. When the alum is explaining to you his role, interrupt and ask something. It doesn't matter what as long as it's dumb and about IB. When he asks, "So, what questions did you have about my role or find interesting about it?" say: "Hey yeah, how easy is it to get into another group from your role?"
  • But don't ask too many questions. Don't ask him about his role at all, how he got into it, what his day looks like, etc. This call is all about you and getting you the job.

5. Mind his time

  • Cut him off early and say you have to run and half way through the call that you already started late

6. Finish strong

  • Don't forget why you contacted him in the first place: for IB. Ask him if he's got any IB references at the bank. When he informs you he may have some because he started out in IB, hyperventilate a little

7. Maintain contact

  • Follow up with an email and your resume attached. The alum will forward it to a campus recruiter and the head of IB recruitment (a real banker!!!!!) for your school. You made such a great impression on the alum that he cc's you when he forwards it and writes, "Hey, here's a smart kid who's interested in IB"
  • And if you did all of this correctly, and shoved a vault guide up your ass far enough, he will immediately reply back to the recruiter and banker without cc'ing you and write, "By the way, I don't recommend him. Try someone else"

Banking is a people business. Learn some social grace you fuckwits.

Comments (42)

  • Intern in HF - Other
Jul 1, 2020

Hahahahah you honestly had me at the beginning... great post and sounds like that kid needs to get a grip

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Most Helpful
  • Intern in VC
Jul 2, 2020

And the kid's gonna think it went well and do it again to another poor soul ... well played, well played indeed, he's making it on to a blacklist

    • 24
Jul 2, 2020

lol this is the best part

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Jul 13, 2020

Serious question, at what point does sharing a resume within the company becomes a data breach? It shouldnt matter if it's being mocked or taken seriously

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    • 1
Jul 15, 2020

Serious answer: I can't imagine a resume would ever be a data breach. The idea completely contradicts the point of a resume. A resume is meant to be shared with strangers (and very often publicly as well, e.g. LinkedIn, online portfolios). It shouldn't have confidential information like your SSN, private deal details, or trade secrets. If it does, the fault is on whoever included this information on the resume.

From a legal perspective, I assume you're alluding to an individual's sense of right to privacy. Natural persons have a right to privacy in certain domains and under certain circumstances. Celebrities, for instance, have less of this right to privacy but instead trade this right to privacy for right to publicity. All of these "rights" mean that if they're infringed upon, you can sue. For illustrative purposes,

  • Me, a nobody, has less of a chance of collecting money for my image being used on the news without my permission. A celebrity has more of a chance to win a lawsuit for this due to their increased right to publicity, which is their ability to make money off of their image.
  • Conversely, I have more of a chance at a successful lawsuit against someone who filmed me coming out of my car with panties on and posted it online because it is reasonable for me to expect privacy in my own car due to my right to privacy. Whereas Lindsay Lohan would not be as successful because it's expected celebrities' being in the public eye decreases their right to privacy.

In the case of a resume, resumes do not fall into the domain of right to privacy, as a reasonable individual would assume sending a resume to a stranger isn't a private act. I'm sure if you slap on some data privacy contract, that would change things, or if the resume had some sensitive hiring information (like race) that can cause some "conversations", that could also change things. But as they are, resumes shouldn't cause any data breach concerns.

By the way, I'm not a lawyer, just annoying.

    • 1
Jul 31, 2020

He's definitely not making it into REPE

...but is it REPE?

Jul 2, 2020

10/10

will read again

Jul 2, 2020

Your post seems satirical...please write this somewhere or else idiots will take your advice to heart and do the same. 'd be surprised how many socially awkward weirdos I've seen in IB.

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

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    • 6
Jul 2, 2020

Lol....how many socially awkward people are on your team?

Array

Jul 2, 2020

Quite a few, but we can get away with it

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

Jul 3, 2020

Including him? At least 1

    • 1
Jul 7, 2020

bro that ruins the joke

"/s" has ruined the internet

Jul 2, 2020

the single monkey shit you have so far is from the kid probably

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    • 1
Jul 2, 2020

A perfect 11/10.

Jul 2, 2020

This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

    • 1
Jul 2, 2020

Fucking hilarious - A+

Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.

Funniest
Jul 2, 2020

Would you be willing to share how to lateral from quant to IB? Thanks!

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    • 13
Jul 2, 2020

Hah! I actually thought this was real for the first two steps... I was deeply confused.

    • 1
Jul 2, 2020

RIP to anybody reading this with Aspergers

    • 4
    • 1
Jul 31, 2020

Hahha, if you try to understand this guide literally you are in big trouble

Jul 2, 2020

The best part is that the numbers / headers are all good ideas while the bullets are all bad ideas.
bad idea

    • 2
Jul 2, 2020

That's exactly how a vp would see things from a high level. You're good at your job, aren't you, GH or DJ?

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Restr
Jul 3, 2020

I had a kid, who wasn't quite as impressive as the one who reached out to OP, hit me up to talk about my bank. I really knew that this kid, who had no summer internship, was a work horse after I sent him some times to talk and he replied "I'm really booked up this week, how about some other week when I have more free time?" I could tell that this kid was going places and forming a solid relationship w/ him would surely pay dividends down the road, so to show how impressed I was w/ his work ethic, I responded, "I cant imagine how busy you must be. I myself am idling away the fucking hours." He hasn't responded, but I assume that he's just booked up between playing COD and mowing his parents' lawn.

    • 2
Jul 3, 2020

I'd love to take you up on that offer. you seem like a chill guy to talk to.

Jul 3, 2020

You'll regret saying that when I'm your boss in the future

This is what a student did to get me to forward on his resume

Will update my computer soon and leave Incognito so I will disappear forever. How did I achieve Neanderthal by trolling? Some people are after me so need to close account for safety.

Jul 3, 2020

That is an amazing experience. Kudos for keeping it humorous.

Jul 3, 2020

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    • 1
Jul 3, 2020

out of pocket

Jul 3, 2020

lmao I genuinely thought you were going somewhere w this. thx for the humor mate

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  • Intern in AM - Equities
Jul 6, 2020

Wait this might be a dumb question, but for the point about talking about a "no -name bank" - sometimes I kind of try to downplay my freshman internship at a small PE shop just because I want to be humble and feel like I might come across as arrogant if I make it a big deal. I usually say something like "I worked at a small family office PE shop last summer, it was really informal and not really intense but it was great in that it taught me X, Y, Z..".

Would it just be okay if I said that, or should I just be like "I worked at a family office PE shop last summer, learned XYZ" and be more straightforward and not downplay that?

Jul 8, 2020

You don't have to try to be humble. None of the experiences an undergrad would have are going to impress someone who's been working in banking for years. Hell, it wouldn't even impress a first-year analyst who knows the recruiting landscape first hand.

Be professional. You're talking to a stranger, not catching up with your friend. Don't tell me something you wouldn't say in front of your managers at your PE shop -- would your shop be okay with you using words like "really informal" and "not really intense"? You never know who knows who in this industry and you want to keep your interactions as consistent as possible across different parties. Don't come across as two-faced.

The main idea: Keep it simple and focus on what you did. Spare the details unless someone specifically asks for them. Frankly, the person you're talking to probably doesn't care and it could be a hit to how they perceive your character.

Jul 7, 2020

LMAO

Jul 7, 2020

Yikes I've had some bad calls, but never to that level. Funny story though, thanks for sharing!

Jul 9, 2020

I've caused both cringe and bland networking calls, as well as some good ones.
The minor good ones made it all worth it. I learned about companies, the people and the jobs. It was super cool when the people where excited that I reached out to them. If someone reached out to me, I'd be pretty stoked myself.

I'll post my number here so anyone can call me and make me feel as if Iplayed an important role in guiding today's youth in their careers.

Jul 11, 2020

lmao

Jul 16, 2020
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Jul 30, 2020