I have been following WSO for about two years now. I was hesitant to ask a bunch of finance bros for advice, but I have seen a handful of personal posts lately, so I decided to say fuck it. I have made some posts before, so I made this account to be anonymous.
I am currently in my 5th year at a top state school. I switched majors from mechanical engineering to finance when I was a junior, hence the need for an extra year. This spring, I was admitted into the Master of Finance program here that specializes in applied security analysis. The way it works is that I start it this year while finishing my undergrad and then go back for an extra year to get the masters.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was 12, I turn 23 on Tuesday. I was suicidal during July and August and probably should have been in inpatient care. I did do an outpatient program that took up the majority of August, so I am feeling a little better after that, but I am still struggling. I just started working out again this week. I used to work out 5 times a week before I started feeling really shitty in July. When I was 10, I was diagnosed with Asperger's, which now would be considered autism spectrum disorder. Being on the spectrum is the main reason that I have struggled with anxiety and depression. When I was in middle school people started making fun of me for being weird, awkward and other adjectives. As I got older, I started to notice the differences between myself and other people. I began to see myself as less than other people and now I pretty much hate myself and have no confidence. Being on the spectrum makes it hard for me to socialize, especially with girls. I have yet to even have a first kiss, yeah I'm that guy. There probably has been at least one time when a girl has hit on me and I didn't even realize it because social cues go right over my head.
My parents also got divorced last year which has been really hard for me because I don't really have anyone else in my life other than them and they had always been my rock. My mom and I had a huge fight last year over the divorce situation and I have barely talked to her over the past year. For my whole life my mom was always the one who I would go to for help so to go from that to pretty much telling each other to go to hell has been hard. So, at this point my dad is basically my only support. Outside of family there is really only one person that I trust and consider to be a friend. We met through a finance club on campus and became friends over the course of 2 years. Her support has been huge for me over the past few months, and I might not be here if it wasn't for her support. I know she has my back, but I just feel guilty for leaning on her so much and putting my problems on her. So overall, I just feel very lonely and think that nothing will ever change.
I am also terrified about being able to handle a career. I tend to get overwhelmed easily and don't adapt well to change. I have read about how equity research and investment related positions can be a good fit for people on the autism spectrum, but I am still nervous about it. The MSF program has 100% placement within 3 months and almost all get into buyside equity research roles. It was a competitive application process; I was told over 100 applied and there are only 15 of us in the program. So even though other people believe in me, I just don't believe in myself.
I mainly just wanted to get that off of my chest, but any constructive feedback is welcome.