What do you think of this cold email?

Hi WSO, I am a rising sophomore non-target finance student (3.61 GPA, solid extracurriculars, interned this summer in a corporate strategy / data analytics role). I’m extremely interested in working in leveraged finance post-graduation. As such, I’m going to be reaching out to LevFin (MM) and PE (PE internship in the spring or summer of 2021 (I think it's the best option given sophomore LevFin gigs are nonexistent, especially for a non-target). This is the cold email format I’m going to be using, what do you think? I don’t plan on attaching my resume unless they ask me for it.

Subject: [Non-target school] student seeking career advice

Good morning/Hello [First Last],

My name is yung_credit and I am a rising sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I have taken a strong interest in leveraged finance and private equity and have begun to reach out to professionals in these fields.

I understand you're very busy, but I'd really like an opportunity to talk to you about your path to a career at [bank / PE firm] and advice you might have for an aspiring finance professional. Please let me know if you would be willing to connect for a few minutes.

Thank you in advance,
yung_credit

 

Here is my Edits:

Good morning/Hello [First Last],

My name is yung_credit and I am a sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I have taken a strong interest in leveraged finance and private equity and am reaching out to learn more about these fields.

I understand you're busy, but I would like an opportunity to talk to you about your path to a career at [bank / PE firm] and advice you might have for an aspiring finance professional. Please let me know if you would be willing to connect for a few minutes.

Thank you in advance, yung_credit

 
Most Helpful

Your original template comes off as being pushy. Here's how I'd edit it:

Good morning/Hello [First Last],

My name is yung_credit and I am a rising sophomore at non-target majoring in finance. I am strongly interested in pursuing a career in leveraged finance/private equity, and am always looking to speak with professionals in the industry such as yourself.

If you might have some time in the next couple of weeks, I was wondering if we could hop on the phone to quickly chat about your experiences? I'd love to learn more about your background at [Bank /PE firm] and any advice you might have for younger students.

Best, yung_credit

 

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